


Hollow Stars

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Military Background, Missing in Action, Nightmares, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 111,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23996569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Clarke never liked saying goodbye, especially to Lexa when she went off on another one of her deployments. They had dated through college, stuck by each other through the years, and now life as adults was...calm. It was happy and it was calm and it was everything they had wanted it to be. But when Lexa disappears from her latest deployment and no one knows where she is, things take a turn for the worse. Where is Lexa? Is she alive? Is she coming back? And if she does, will things just go back to normal?orThe angsty military Lexa AU where she suffers a lot
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 364
Kudos: 888





	1. Stay safe, Commander

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is a self-indulgent fic. i like angst. i like hurting my favorite characters. and i like watching them suffer. i also like seeing them get better. so that's what this fic is. two things before you read the fic. i was iffy about writing it because...i really don't like the US army. i don't at all and i don't think they do any good. SO. for the sake of this AU, the US army is great, and they are unproblematic, and they care about their soldiers and officers, and they care about doing good, and not hurting innocent people. second thing. commander isn't a rank in the army. but i made a huge change already with them being good, so this isn't that unbelievable. with the time she's served and her position, captain would be her rank. so i replaced the captain rank with commander.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're getting everything set. Looking at clexa's relationship and how they are individual. and it ends with some bad news.

Clarke never liked goodbyes. Not when she was saying goodbye to her high school friends before she left for college, saying goodbye to her parents the day she moved out, saying goodbye to Lexa the year she did abroad while they were in college. But it was definitely a lot easier doing it then than it was saying goodbye to Lexa as she left for yet another warzone. It was the uncertainty of it all, Clarke didn’t know if she would be safe, she didn’t even know when Lexa would be able to call her. And that stupid green beret that Clarke hated so much – but was also so proud of – only meant she would be in more danger than most people there, well, Lexa and her team.

“Stay safe Commander.” Clarke forced a smile as she came back from kissing her fiancée. This was her first tour as a commander and as worried as Clarke was, she was also incredibly proud of Lexa. She would be a little more at ease if Lexa wasn’t Special Ops and just a regular officer because that would mean she wouldn’t be looking for danger…just jumping into it with her little squad. Only it wasn’t a squad anymore, or little; no, now it was called a _company_ with close to a hundred personnel, including sergeants and lieutenants under her commander – yeah, Clarke was really proud of her. “I want you back home in one piece.” She told her lightly, doing her best to sound stern. Lexa’s last tour was two years ago and Clarke was just as nervous then as she was today when she had said goodbye. She thought she would be used to it by now, Lexa had been in the army for about six years now and this was her fourth one.

“So far so good.” Lexa gave her a smile, looking down at her body and at her limbs, making a point to show it to Clarke too. “Still in one piece.” She added.

“Keep it that way.” Clarke tried to stop the waver in her voice. She hated goodbyes. Instead of speaking, she leaned forward and kissed Lexa again; Clarke didn’t trust herself to speak, she was just going to start crying again. Lexa kissed her back, slow and deep, trying to make up for not being able to do it the next six months. It lasted longer than was acceptable when out in public, but to hell with that, they weren’t going to see each other for half a year.

“No crying.” Lexa reminded her, doing her best to listen to it herself. There had been enough tears last night. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Clarke nodded, smoothing down Lexa’s shirt as she looked up at her before finally stepping away. “Call me before you take off okay? And after landing.” She asked and the other woman nodded. “I love you.” Clarke told her, watching as Lexa began to step away from her reluctantly.

“I love you too.”

.

This was the first time Clarke was in this house alone. They had moved here last year, a little after Lexa had made Commander they had moved from their apartment. They had lived there for a good few years and it was a little hard saying goodbye to what had been their home. But it was time for a change; a bigger place, a _nicer_ place, they were growing up after all and this seemed like the right time. It was closer to the school Clarke worked at, the neighborhood was nicer, quieter too, mostly young families and married couples. They had waited a long time before buying a house, deciding it was best to lease and rent up until they found somewhere that they loved and where ready to start the next chapter of their lives in – and this seemed like the perfect place to settle down.

But it was empty now, with Lexa gone, the house felt bigger and so much more empty than it normally did. Lexa…had a big personality, although she didn’t talk much, it didn’t take away from her presence, she was louder with her actions. And Clarke really hadn’t felt it as much in the apartment as she did in the house, maybe it was because the apartment was smaller, or because there were two floors here and Clarke’s footsteps echoed on the hardwood floor. But whatever it was, she missed Lexa. The moment Clarke had walked back into the house after dropping her off at the airport, her first thought was how much she already missed her.

Lexa’s mug was still on the coffee table and Clarke couldn’t help but stand there and watch for a moment. She didn’t know where exactly her partner was going, she didn’t know when she was going to hear from her, and most importantly, Clarke had no idea if she would be safe. Well, she wouldn’t be, that was for sure; a part of Lexa’s big personality that Clarke loved so much was her reckless behavior when it came to her personal safety. She was very careful with the people she worked with, the soldiers and officers under her command, but she didn’t care much for herself; she was ready to go into the line of fire if it meant saving another life or getting the job done.

Clarke toyed with the ring around her finger, twisting it as she thought about Lexa. It felt like it was only yesterday Lexa was sliding it onto her finger. Clarke had been the one to propose, it was two weeks before Lexa’s last deployment so it was two years ago now. And a couple of days later, Lexa was there with a ring for Clarke, something about wanting to show the world how much she loved her or some other soft nonsense she had come up with in an attempt to mask the fact that she was trying to make up for letting Clarke beat her to proposing. Clarke let out a sigh, stepping up to the coffee table in the living room and finally picking up the mostly empty mug.

It was going to be hard to sleep tonight. Clarke had a feeling she would either end up in the guest room downstairs or maybe even the couch if the beds felt too lonely without Lexa.

* * *

It had been about three weeks now with Lexa gone, they talked every other night, managed to even facetime a couple of times; the service in a warzone wasn’t exactly the best. They missed each other, Clarke missed her, she missed waking up to her fiancée by her side, she missed Lexa cooking dinner in their kitchen, she missed the random hugs and kisses, and going to bed next to the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. Lexa missed her too, just as much, maybe even more, she missed everything about Clarke but she missed home too. She missed her bed, she missed her pillow, she missed the smell of Clarke’s hair after a shower, and how it felt to snuggle into her pillow in the morning, she missed the way Clarke made her coffee, or the way she managed to even burn the toast for breakfast – she missed her.

It was only harder as the days went on, like a growing aching in their chests from being apart for so long. Clarke was trying to keep busy with her work, the kids kept her busy; she was a high school art teacher and loved every minute of her job, she also ran an after school club every Tuesday afternoons. Lexa was only getting busier as the days passed, more responsibilities, more threats, more rebels, and more people she needed to keep safe. So there were fewer calls as the weeks went on, shorter too as the months went on.

“Hi,” Lexa said as she saw Clarke’s face on her laptop screen, unable to keep herself from smiling. It had been almost four months now, four long months without each other, but that also meant she was only two months away from coming back home. She loved her job, she really did, she even liked the deployments because it always felt like she was doing something worthwhile – hell, she even liked the sense of danger – but Lexa hated being away from Clarke, from home.

“Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” Clarke said to her, smiling back. She had a break between now and her next lesson, it was only 11am right now but it was much later in Cyprus – 9pm if Clarke did her math right. So this wasn’t going to be a long call, twenty minutes at most because then her class would be coming in. And she wanted Lexa to sleep, she was off duty tonight and needed all the rest she could get.

“I have to go in ten minutes.” Lexa told her reluctantly, so she _was_ on duty tonight.

“I thought you were free tonight.” Clarke asked her, exaggerating a frown at her partner. Well, it wasn’t like she had long anyways.

“Are you at school?” Lexa asked her and Clarke nodded. “Don’t you have a class right now?”

“Not yet.” Clarke answered. “Twenty minutes.” She added. “Enough about work though, how are you?” She asked Lexa, they hadn’t talked in days, the last phone call was almost a week ago.

“I’m good.” Lexa told her, it wasn’t entirely the truth but as far as Clarke needed to know, she was fine. “Just really really busy.” She may have gotten shot at two days ago, it was nothing really, just a flesh wound; Lexa was shot _at_ , she wasn’t _shot_. The bullet ripped through her sleeve and grazed her arm, it didn’t even need stitches, but it was going to leave a scar. She could tell Clarke about it after she got back, she didn’t want to worry her now, especially considering how it wasn’t a big deal. “And I’m on patrol tonight so it’s going to be a while before I’m back.” She shook her head, that was work talk, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Clarke gave her a nod, “I miss you so much.” She paused, watching Lexa, watching those eyes and those lips and that nose in the grainy video on her computer screen.

“Two more months.” Lexa tried to give her a comforting smile, but she missed her too and at this point, was a little impatient to get back home. “Are you wearing headphones?” She asked Clarke randomly, biting her lower lip as a not-so-appropriate thought crossed her mind. Clarke nodded, not saying anything as she waited for Lexa to continue. “You have no idea how much I can’t wait to come home.” Her voice was low this time, speaking quietly like she didn’t want anyone to hear her. “We’re going to spend at least seventy-two hours in bed together because,” She leaned closer to her laptop, “I haven’t had an orgasm in four months, and it’s going to be six by the time I get back. And I really need you to make up for it.” She let out a sigh, that sounded dangerously close to a moan. It wasn’t usually like this when she was away, usually she had her own room and well…there were lonely nights when Lexa needed the release. And sometimes they did it over the phone, over facetime, but it wasn’t like that this time around. “It’s very frustrating.”

Clarke gaped at her, eyebrows raised as she listened to Lexa. “What makes you think I’m not just as frustrated?” She questioned her.

“Well, you have the house to yourself,” Lexa shrugged lightly, “Our whole collection of toys at your disposal.” She ran her tongue over her lips, just the thought of that was starting to…make her feel things.

“You took one with you.” Clarke told her lightly. Lexa took a small bullet vibrator with her, rechargeable of course, she didn’t have spare batteries on hand. Six months on her own, she needed it, it was _practical_.

“Yeah well, I’m sharing a room.” She sighed, “It’s cramped in here and there’s too many people that the Commander doesn’t even get her own room.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Oh god, I feel so bad for you.” Lexa only pouted at her, “I’ll take care of you when you get back baby.”

* * *

Getting called into the principal’s office? No, that didn’t happen very often, not for Clarke anyways. As far as she knew, there wasn’t anything she had done that could land her in trouble. But then again, Principal Jaha was unpredictable and…kind of unhinged in all honesty, she didn’t like dealing with him, but for some reason she had been called in. Clarke was in class when the PA system went off, requesting Clarke to get to the principal’s office as soon as possible. This wasn’t…normal. She was teaching a class, if Jaha needed to talk to her that bad, it could usually wait until she was free. So whatever this was, it had to be serious.

Clarke stepped up to the door, knocking on it before being given permission to enter. She let out a sigh, taking a moment to prepare herself to even come face to face with Principal Jaha. But the moment she stepped into the room, the sight in front of her, nothing could have prepared her for it. Three soldiers dressed to the nines, their faces somber and sympathetic as they waited for Clarke to close the door behind.

“No,” She muttered, mostly to herself, there was only one reason they would be here. Clarke looked around the room, Jaha wasn’t here but Vice Principal Kane was, he was seated at the Principal’s desk, watching Clarke. “No,” It was louder this time, loud enough to be heard by the soldiers and Kane as she shook her head.

“Clarke, take a seat.” Kane called out, breaking through the tense silence.

“Please,” She pleaded, her knees giving out as she sat down on one of the chairs opposite Kane, she knew what this meant.

“Ms. Griffin, I’m Sergeant Miller.” One of the soldiers started, his face was unreadable but he had kind eyes. “I have been asked to inform you that your fiancée, Commander Alexandrine Woods, has been reported missing and probably dead. Sh-”

“Probably?” Clarke exclaimed, missing and probably dead sounded…hopeless. That’s all she could feel, that’s all she had been feeling since she stepped into the office. Her blood was running cold and Lexa was _missing_. How could she be missing? And why was she presumed _probably dead_? “Where is she?”

The soldier took a small breath, “She was on patrol last night when her unit was attacked.” He explained, and Clarke couldn’t understand how he sounded so calm. “There was an explosion and we managed to recover only parts of the vehicles.”

“What about Lexa?” Clarke interrupted, “What about the rest of her team?” If she remembered correctly, Lexa’s patrolling team usually consisted of four other people, another officer and three soldiers.

“We have recovered two deceased soldiers.” He explained, not wanting to tell Clarke that they recovered pieces of them – the explosion was bad. “But Commander Woods, and the rest of the team haven’t been found.”

“Why did you say she’s probably dead and not just missing?” Clarke’s voice wavered as she asked, she wasn’t sure she wanted an answer to that. But at the same time, she wanted something to give her hope that Lexa was alive and coming back to her.

“Their vehicle was blown up.” Miller told her calmly before reluctantly adding, “The soldiers we recovered…Miss Griffin, they weren’t in one piece.” Clarke audibly gasped at that. “We just about managed to ID them.”

There were tears stinging her eyes, she didn’t know what to think. The only reason he said Lexa was probably dead was because they didn’t find her. If the recovered members of her team were in pieces, the likelihood of her having survived were very low. And where would she even be? If she was injured that badly, it’s not like she could’ve gone far, not on her own. “When?” Clarke choked out.

“About twenty-four hours ago.” He told her honestly.

“Missing cases don’t get a delivery like this.” Clarke commented, looking between the soldiers who only gave her a short nod. They didn’t, missing cases got an email, maybe a phone call. “So you’re here because you think she’s dead, right?” That would be the only reason, it didn’t make sense for soldiers to come down, all dressed up in their class-A uniforms to tell her her fiancée was missing only 24 hours later. Missing soldiers and officers weren’t declared dead officially until two years after they went missing.

“Unfortunately,” It seemed like he was the only one allowed to talk. _Oh right, the chaplain and the medic don’t talk_. “Given the circumstances of the situation and the severity of it, that is what it looks like.”

“Have you looked for her?” Clarke asked desperately. “Have you looked for the rest of her team?”

“We still are ma’am.” Miller nodded at her. “There’s a team on the ground looking for them as we speak.”

“But you don’t expect her to be alive.” Clarke looked away this time, her eyes staring blankly at a spot on the wall. “Or you wouldn’t be here right now.”

“We can’t say anything for sure-”

“So I can grasp onto some nonexistent thread of hope?” Clarke questioned. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell her Lexa was dead? Then at least Clarke wouldn’t be left wondering. But this gave her some sort of hope and Clarke wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad. “And keep thinking about where she might be?” Her voice was cracking, eyes filling up with tears. “Wondering what state she might be in?” Her voice was rising, she was more angry now then upset, or maybe equally angry and upset. Why couldn’t they just give her a straight answer? Didn’t she deserve to know at least that much about the love of her life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouch. thank you so much for reading. i'm having a great time writing this fic and there is going to be. a lot of angst. so buckle up. and also maybe please leave me a comment and let me know what you thought.


	2. Without her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is dealing with the news. Dealing with Lexa not being around. Dealing with being in their home without the love of her life. It only gets harder when their anniversary rolls in, and there's a very cute flashback to how Clexa met. Clarke's friends worried about her, and they're trying to help, but with the lack of information, there seems to be very little hope for Lexa. And it seems like everyone other than Clarke is ready to accept the fact that Lexa is not coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst angst angst angst angst. this chapter is very much just clarke. and how she is doing right now. how she's dealing with everything. spoiler alert, she's upset. she's very upset and things are rough right now. everyone is also ready to accept that lexa's gone. not clarke tho. she's not believing anything until she knows for sure. also there's a cute flashback. a little fluff in the midst of angst. also this chapter ended up a little longer than i intended.

Being home now was…what Clarke imagined hell to be like. The first day was the worst, coming home, Clarke didn’t know what to do other than just scream and yell and throw things around. The next day wasn’t much better either, but as the days kept going, things started to calm down. Calm down, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less; this was their home, her and Lexa’s, it felt wrong to be here without her. And it didn’t help that Clarke had no idea where she was – or if she was even alive. Maybe it would be easier to know she was dead, know for sure, then she would at least know Lexa was resting, known exactly where she was. Now. God _now_ , there was this half sense of hope that she was alive, dread that she was injured, and bleakness at the thought that she was dead. But Clarke didn’t know anything for sure.

Everywhere she looked, she saw Lexa. It had been a month but their home, every corner of it, reminded her of Lexa. The first week was awful, Clarke wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, she was just hurting and the only thing that helped dull it was alcohol. Eventually her friends stepped in, cleared out the house, cleaned because that was the last thing on Clarke’s mind now, and made sure they cleared out every bottle of liquor there was. And that was when Clarke finally started to try and calm down. Well, stop being so angry that is, it wasn’t possible to just _not_ be upset. She hadn’t heard back, not from Lexa’s superiors, not from the soldiers she had spoke to that day, no one. And that meant they didn’t know anything – which seemed to convince everyone but Clarke more and more that Lexa wasn’t going to come back.

But she couldn’t just accept that. Not without knowing _for sure_. Not without seeing her in front of her. Not without burying her would Clarke ever accept the fact that Lexa was dead. Raven and Octavia had suggested putting some of Lexa’s things away, the very basic ones anyways, and Clarke had almost laughed at the idea. Why would she want to do that? She didn’t know where Lexa was and until she did, Lexa was still very much alive. But it was hard being around her things; their pictures around the house, Lexa’s notebooks and pens still on the desk in their study, Lexa’s coffee mug in the kitchen, her toothbrush by the sink, her shampoo in the shower, her towels, her clothes, her jewelry, god even her uniform. The bed still smelled like her, even after changing the bedding multiple times, it still smelled like her and it took Clarke weeks to be able to sleep in their bed again.

Today was Clarke’s first day back to work, and honestly, she was actually looking forward to it, it would keep her mind occupied at least. Being in work was nice, her classroom, her kids, in her element. There were some pitiful looks directed at her, everyone knew about Lexa by now, it was a close-knit community. But Clarke was more at ease today than she had been the past month at home. A couple of her students had come up to talk to her, asking her how she was doing and it was really sweet how much they cared. Clarke never really understood how some teachers didn’t like the kids they taught or well, teaching in general. Sure, they weren’t all easy, but in their own ways, they were all great. Maybe that was because Clarke actually liked her job and that’s why the kids liked her.

There was still a countdown on her phone, she hadn’t gotten around to turning it off. It was counting down to the day Lexa was supposed to come back home, and that was 33 days away from today. Clarke let out a sad chuckle as she looked at it, shaking her head as another wave of sadness washed over her. She would’ve been back here in about a month but right now, Clarke had no idea when she would or _if_ she even would. The best thing to do would be to turn the countdown off, maybe even delete the app but Clarke only shrugged, putting the phone away. _No harm in being optimistic_ , she told herself, maybe this was just a reminder that Lexa would come back; maybe not in 33 days, maybe sooner, maybe later, but it made her feel like Lexa _would_ come back.

A knocking on the door brought her out of her thoughts, and Clarke looked up to find her friend. “Raven?” She was a little surprised; considering this was a high school and her friend didn’t work here, Clarke had every reason to be surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“The school has a STEM talk today or something,” She explained, “I’m one of the speakers.”

Clarke almost looked confused at that, well, she didn’t know much of what was going on in the science and math departments, but she figured her friend would’ve told her. Well, Clarke figured Raven would have at least mentioned it to her. “How come you didn’t tell me?”

“I actually forgot about it till last night.” Raven answered honestly. For someone as smart as her, she was…kind of stupid, oblivious maybe. Raven was a mechanical engineering that worked for a prosthetics company. “I don’t even have a thing prepared but I’m just hoping to wow the kids with the brace I built for my leg.”

“Smart.” Clarke told her sarcastically, watching as Raven made her way to her desk. “Are you lost?” She asked her knowingly.

Raven watched her blankly for a moment, sitting down on the desk closest to Clarke’s table. “Yes.” She admitted, “I have no idea where to go, this school is a maze. Please help me.”

* * *

Today was their anniversary. Not an anniversary of the proposal but of the day Clarke had asked Lexa out for the first time – this was the more important one to them. Eight years. Eight years today. Eight years since Clarke had finally given into the little crush she had on the college football team’s star striker. They had known each other a while, they were both very involved in the college’s lgbt scene, setting up clubs and meetings and workshops and just being there to support anyone who was finding themselves at that stage of their lives. They met during Clarke’s sophomore year, Lexa’s junior when Clarke lost her way to the first GSA meeting; she had bumped into Lexa and asked her where room B470 was. She never believed in love at first sight, okay she still didn’t, but Clarke definitely believed in lust at first sight and that’s what it was when she had seen Lexa.

_~~Flashback~~_

_“Hi,” Clarke spoke hesitantly, approaching the only other person in sight. The hallway was empty and Clarke wasn’t sure what corner of the campus she ended up in. She had a map, she had the room number, so why was this so hard? It wasn’t like this was her first time around, this was her sophomore year, she should know where to go by now. The stranger had her back to her and stopped walking at the voice calling to her, Clarke couldn’t see her face, only the cascading waves of chestnut hair and a really intricate tattoo on her upper arm. It was February, why the hell was she wearing a tank top?_

_“I was wonde-” Her eyes widened almost comically as the other person turned to face her. The girl in front of her looked familiar but Clarke couldn’t quite place her, and all her mind could think at that moment was_ wow she’s beautiful _. Actually, beautiful didn’t cover it, it didn’t even come close. It was like Athena or Aphrodite or one of those Greek ones had come down on Earth to bless the mere mortals with their presence and beauty. She was staring now, but Clarke wouldn’t help it. Her eyes were like nothing Clarke had ever seen before, a green forest under the sunshine, littered with flecks of gold. The perfect cheeks, as she smiled back at Clarke, the jawline that could probably cut someone, and oh, oh she really shouldn’t have looked down at her lips-_

_“You’re going to catch flies.”_

_The voice brought her out of her thoughts, Clarke blinking rapidly as she readjusted to her surroundings and looked at this godly stranger with a confused look. She was still smiling at Clarke, her voice light and teasing. “Sorry, what?” Clarke managed to ask._

_The stranger’s smile widened for a moment, “You were kind of staring,” She shrugged, “And your mouth was open.”_

_“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” Clarke could feel the heat creeping up on her cheeks as she looked down and away from Aphrodite’s masterpiece. Okay, she needed to stop with this._

_“It’s okay,” The brunette told her, extending a hand out for Clarke. “I’m Lexa.”_

_Clarke took her hand, shaking it as she recognized the name._ Oh, strong grip _. “Lexa, like Lexa Woods?” She nodded at Clarke, “The college’s star football player whose face is plastered all of the brochures?”_

_Lexa let out a chuckle, nodding awkwardly, “That would be me, yes.” She watched Clarke expectedly, waiting for the blonde to speak, ask her whatever she was going to when she had approached her. But it seemed like Clarke was…lost again. “Sorry, it seemed like you were going to ask me something…?”_

_“Right!” Clarke straightened up, “God, I’m really out of it today, I’m so sorry.” No, she wasn’t out of it, she was fine, she was just getting lost in Lexa’s eyes. “I kind of don’t know where I’m going and I was wondering if you could help me.”_

_Lexa nodded, another polite smile, “I’ll do my best.”_

_“I need to get to room B470 but I can’t seem to find it.” Clarke finally asked her, “Do you maybe have some directions that might help?”_

_“I do,” She nodded, “I can actually do you one better,” Lexa started, “I’m heading there too, I’ll walk you.” Clarke nodded with a sigh of relief, Lexa about to take a step when she stopped, “But I need something in return?”_

_“Oh?” Clarke looked confused._

_“Your name,” Lexa huffed out a small laugh, “You never told me.”_

_“Of course.” Clarke nodded, the two of them starting to walk now. “Clarke, Clarke Griffin.”_

_“Well, it’s nice to meet you Clarke Griffin.”_

_~~End flashback~~_

God, how different things were now. For starters, Lexa wasn’t even here. Clarke was doing better now, better than two months ago when she found out but it still hurt to not have her here, to not know where she was. But she was dealing with it better. It was harder today though, this anniversary was always spent together, no matter what, it was _always_ spent together. Clarke tried to get out of work early, Lexa too, so they could go out together, or stay in together, or do literally anything, but together. Valentine’s Day wasn’t as important to them, they had busy jobs that required serious commitment, even the anniversary of their proposal wasn’t quite as important. But this one was always spent together. Somehow, Lexa had managed to schedule her deployments so that she would get to spend this day with Clarke. And if everything had gone right, Lexa would have been back last week.

Clarke still knew next to nothing about the whole situation. She hadn’t heard from anyone since being told Lexa was missing – and _possibly dead_. Although she was getting better, it still hurt and the not knowing was probably the hardest part about it. Clarke had half the mind to email Lexa’s superior while she was here, General Indra Lucas, ask about her, ask if there was any news, any development, _anything_. But maybe that was just going to lead to more disappointment, they probably stopped looking by now – they were assuming she was dead anyways, so why would they waste resources looking for a body?

* * *

“I had a long week, I think I’m going to call it an early night,” Clarke said into the phone. Raven and Octavia were trying to get her to go out with them tonight; go to a club, have a few drinks, let loose. She hadn’t gone out since Lexa, Clarke had been home and rightfully upset, she wasn’t in the mood to _go out_ and _have fun_ with her friends; not when she had she no idea where her partner was. They had a point though, it had been six months now, six months of radio silence, six months since Lexa went missing, way too long since Clarke had last seen her, spoken to her even. Her friends knew she was hurting, but they also wanted her to get out and try to get her mood up. Sure it wasn’t as bad now as it was the first day, or the first week, or the first month even, Clarke was actually functioning now. Even going out with her friends for dinner or lunch or a coffee – but partying didn’t sound like the right thing right now.

“Come on Clarke.” Octavia said from the other end. “You haven’t gone out with us in forever, it’ll be fun.”

Fun was the last thing on her mind. How could she be having _fun_ when her partner was unaccounted for? When no one knew where she was? When no one even knew if she was alive? “We went for lunch on Wednesday.” Clarke reminded her.

“Yeah, but that was nothing exciting.” Octavia tried. “Come on, there’s this new club and it’ll help cheer you up.” They had been going on and on about it, they were trying to get Clarke to _move on_ – it seemed like everyone other Clarke was ready to believe Lexa was gone for good. And her friends were trying to get her to accept it too, so she could start to move on. After six months of no news, things looked bleak.

“Cheer me up?” Clarke asked her in response, there was a bite to her tone but she was surprised at being able to keep her voice from rising. “I don’t think a club is going to cheer me up Octavia.” There was a sigh from the other end of the phone. “No, don’t do that. I know what you’re thinking. And I know what Raven is thinking and I really don’t want to hear it okay?”

“But you need to get out Clarke,” She tried again, “It’s been months, I think it’s time to star-”

“Don’t.” Clarke warned her. “Don’t even think about saying that to me.” There was a tremble in her voice, but not like she was going to cry, but more like she was restraining herself from yelling into the phone. “You have no idea what this is like, you have no idea what kind of hell I am in right now without her.”

“I kno-”

“You don’t” Clarke cut her off, clearly angry now. “If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to get me to go to some stupid club with you guys.” She scoffed, “It’s been six months since Lexa went missing, and I think the last thing I want to do is go out partying.”

“Clar-”

“No Octavia, just shut up please.” She didn’t want to get angry but it was hard not to. Okay, yes, her friends were trying to help, but trying to force Clarke into accepting Lexa was not coming back wasn’t doing much good. “The love of my life went missing from a warzone after being blown up.” She reminded her, “No one knows where she is, how she is, what state she’s in. And I’m stuck here, over six thousand miles away completely helpless.” The tears were starting to come now. “Partying is not at the top of my list right now.” Clarke sighed. “Right now my priorities are get out of bed, take a shower, go to work, don’t start drinking again.” She paused for a moment, almost wanting to remind Octavia how she had taken to alcohol after getting the news about Lexa, about how scared she was about being dependent on it, and now, Clarke really didn’t want to be drinking. “Go about my day like everything is fine. And you guys have no idea how hard that is.”

“We know it’s hard Clarke,” Octavia tried once again, “We know you’re going through a lot an-”

“You really don’t.” Clarke stopped her, sounding a lot calmer. “Yes, I stopped drinking. Yes, it’s been six months. But I’m still hurting just as much as I was when they told me.” Her voice was quiet, “I’m lost without her, my life is incomplete without Lexa in it. I still can’t sleep in our bed most nights. I can’t open her side of the closet. I wear her the jacket from her spare uniform when I’m missing her too much because it makes me feel closer to her and stops me from spiraling out again.” She paused. “So please don’t try to tell me that I need to get out and have fun and cheer up, because I don’t know what those words mean right now.”

* * *

“Commander Woods,”

The voice rang out as Lexa tried to keep her eyes open. But her head was pounding and she was cold and numb and all she wanted right now was to close her eyes and drift off. She stirred in place instead, staring up at the bright fluorescent lights. This wasn’t the first time she opened her eyes to this, but her mind was still too clouded to know what was happening. She wasn’t where she was the past few months, but Lexa didn’t know if she wanted to offer herself the luxury of hope that she had been found.

“Commander, you’re going home.”

She heard the same voice and this time Lexa turned to it. If she was keeping track, she would know this was her third day here, third day in the field hospital being treated and being stabilized so she could be sent back home as soon as possible to get the treatment she needed right now. Lexa would also know that she had been unconscious for most of the past two days, coming in and out due to all the drugs in her system but not really registering where she was. They had finally found her, a rebel hideout in an unexpected location, they had found the other’s too; the Corporal came back alive but in a similar state to Lexa if not worse, but the Lieutenant didn’t make it by the time they were found.

“I’m what?” Lexa gasped out, her throat burning as she did.

“There we go,” Someone came into her view, a medic Lexa realized as she let out a sigh of relief. “There you are.” He spoke to her with a smile, Lexa noticing that she had begun to move. “It’s nice to hear your voice Commander. I’m Sergeant Macallan.” Lexa nodded but noticed her movement was restricted by what felt like a cervical collar. “It’s alright, don’t try to move. We’re getting you ready to leave. You’re going to be home soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyyy look who's back. but also yeah....poor baby. AND ALSO thank you all so much for reading. thank you for the kudos and the comments. i'm having a lot of fun with this fic.


	3. Phone call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally gets a call she has been waiting months for. And its harder than anything she has been preparing herself for. With every word she's told about her partner, it gets harder and harder to keep herself together. But she knows she has to, if not for her, then for Lexa at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarke finally gets the phone call. the one she's been waiting for since lexa went missing. but it's not all sunshine and rainbows now. quite the opposite really. lexa's....been through a lot. clarke gets to talk to the doctor taking care of her and he kinda goes over everything that is wrong right now. so yeah....its not really pretty.

It was just another Tuesday as Clarke walked into her classroom, getting ready for the day. Tuesdays were busier than usual, her timetable was packed, and she even had the after-school art club later. But that was fine, all of that was fine, seven months since her partner went missing with no news so far, Tuesday’s were Clarke’s favorite; they kept her busy, kept her occupied, kept her mind away from Lexa. She set down the coffee mug on her desk before looking at the watch on her wrist, the first class would be coming in in exactly 3 minutes, she could already hear them gathering outside the classroom.

It was only about twenty minutes into the class when Clarke noticed her phone buzzing on the desk, it was on silent but vibrating on the stack of papers. No phones in her classroom extended to herself too and Clarke only shrugged it off as something that can wait as she went over to one of her students who had his hand raised. But by the time Clarke returned to her desk, it was buzzing again, and this time curiosity got the best of her as she picked it up and turned the phone around to look at the screen. _No caller ID_ , okay that was a little weird. Clarke only watched the screen in confusion, trying to think of who it might be as it continued to ring.

A few long seconds passed when it finally stopped, a notification popping up for three missed calls on the screen instead. That’s when it hit her. No caller ID, maybe it was Lexa’s base, maybe it was Lexa’s boss, maybe it was about Lexa. _Fuck, they called me three times_ , Clarke was panicking now, she couldn’t really call back but it had to have been important if they tried to call her three times. Her hands were trembling as she looked at it this time, regretting the time she spent thinking about who it might be instead of answering it when the phone started to ring again. _No caller ID_.

“Guys,” Clarke called out to the class, “I have to step out for a second, okay?” They all nodded. “Stay here, do your work, I’ll be right back.” She was running out of the classroom before she even finished telling them.

Swiping the screen and finally answering, Clarke held it to her ear with trembling hands, just barely managing to hold it up. “Hello?”

“Is this Clarke Griffin?”

The voice from the other side questioned and Clarke nodded, stopping herself as she realized they couldn’t see her. “Yes, yes it’s me.” She answered.

“This is Sergeant Nathan Miller.” He said to Clarke, “We met a while ago, seven months ago to be precise.”

“Oh god,” Clarke gasped, this was a phone call, this wasn’t a visit, but god she wasn’t expecting this. She leaned back against the lockers on the wall, waiting a moment before daring to believe. Phone call instead of a visit, that meant it had to be good news. _Right?_

“I’m calling about Commander Alexandrine Woods.” Nathan told her, his tone was the same as last time. Clarke closed her eyes at the mention of her name, it felt like her whole body was going cold. “Ma’am we found her.” He added after waiting a moment, letting the news sink in.

The noise that left Clarke was somewhere between a gasp and a cry, loud enough to be heard in her classroom and probably even down the hall. Seven months later, she wasn’t sure what she was expecting, Clarke wasn’t going to accept Lexa was dead until she saw her but she was half expecting to open her door one morning to a group of soldiers again. “Where is she?” She managed to ask, her voice wavering and Clarke was certain she would breakdown any moment now.

“Military hospital in Washington DC.” He answered her. “Her plane landed not long ago and she is currently in surgery.”

“DC?” Clarke questioned, her legs giving out now as she slid down against the lockers and onto the floor. “Wait, surgery?” She asked, “Is she okay?”

“A patrol team found her and the remaining members of her team three days ago.” Nathan started. “We waited till she was back in the States before informing you because-”

“You weren’t sure whether this was going to be another visit?” Clarke asked him knowingly. That was enough to tell her that things were…bad.

“Yes.” The man on the other side agreed. “They found her in terrible state and the medics back in Cyprus weren’t sure if she was going to make it.”

“Oh god,” Clarke breathed out, that was only confirmation to what she already thought. “What happened to her?”

“She’s hurt. Quite badly.” He answered simply. “Commander Woods was tortured for seven months by the most brutal interrogators.” It sounded like Nathan was just reciting facts and nothing else, there didn’t seem to be an ounce of emotion behind his voice. But with every word, Clarke felt it was getting harder and harder to keep herself together. “And that too on top of the injuries she sustained from the explosion.”

“How is she now?” Clarke almost didn’t trust herself to speak, the tears were threatening to spill. She was alive, Lexa was alive, seven months of no one knowing where she was and she was finally back and alive.

“In surgery but she is stable.” The soldier replied. “I’m told Commander Woods wasn’t responsive when she was conscious back on the base in Cyprus.” Not responsive, that’s…yeah that’s not what you want to hear. Clarke didn’t know the extent of her injuries, what state she was in right now but if she wasn’t responsive, it wasn’t good. “The doctors will be able to give you all the details ma’am, unfortunately I don’t know everything.” He added. “I was only asked to inform you and send you a plane ticket to come down here.”

“Yes,” Clarke nodded to herself, “Yes, thank you so much.” She nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand; her makeup smudging as she did but it didn’t matter now.

“Private Sterling is going to come pick you up in an hour from your house.” He informed her. “He will have your ticket and give you a ride to the airport.”

.

Her head was spinning, Clarke wasn’t even sure when she packed a bag and left the house. There were too many thoughts racing through her mind, too many questions, too many things she didn’t know. Clarke would have asked Miller more questions but it didn’t seem like he had the answers, and the only one who would were the doctors in DC. Before she knew it, she was sitting on the plane to finally see Lexa again; somehow her bags were packed, somehow she had her ticket and somehow she had managed to board the right plane. It was almost like Clarke was going on autopilot, complete disregard for her surrounding with just the one thing in mind, _Lexa_.

It was going to be a long flight, six hours to DC and then who knows how long to the hospital from there. Clarke was fidgety and nervous and unsure of what she could even expect once there, once she was with Lexa. Yes, she was worried. She was actually terrified after hearing what Sergeant Miller had to say but Clarke still had no idea about the extent of Lexa’s injuries – or what she had been through in those seven months. The explosion itself would’ve been bad enough, it killed two people after all, so it was a miracle that Lexa even survived that without proper medical attention. But what about now? What had happened to her? What did they do to her? She wasn’t even responsive back on base, they weren’t sure if she was even going to make it until just today. So Clarke couldn’t really stop herself from bouncing her leg and fidgeting with her ring. Given the circumstances, it was justified annoying the person next to her right?

It was actually a pleasant surprise that there was a soldier waiting for her right outside the arrivals gate, waiting to take her down to the hotel that had been booked for her. Okay Clarke wasn’t really expecting that, she wasn’t actually even expecting the plane ticket here but she was grateful either way, it took a lot of stress off of her. Especially considering how she had zoned out for most of the trip here – one moment she was in her house and the next she was sitting in the back of a car being driven to a hotel she didn’t even know about. Oh right, about that…

“Can we just go straight to the hospital please?” Clarke spoke, possibly for the first time – she wasn’t entirely sure.

“If you want to, then of course.” The young private answered, looking at Clarke through the rearview mirror. “I was asked to take you to the hotel ma’am, give you a chance to leave your things and possibly get some rest.”

“I don’t think I can rest or relax right now.” Clarke let out a sigh, “But thank you.” He was young, no more than nineteen and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder how worried his parents were for him, or what even made him join. She always wondered, especially with the younger soldiers, for a lot it was because this was the best paid job they could get with the skills and qualifications they had. It was different with the officers though, Lexa enlisted because she wanted to make a change, she wanted to help, she wanted to do something to make the world a better place even it was just slightly. And this was the only way she knew how. Clarke commended her for it, not everyone could do that, very few people could in fact – Lexa wanted to do good, be good, and this was her way of doing it.

“I’m sorry I don’t think I caught your name.” Clarke asked him after a moment. The kid looked worried, looking up at Clarke through the mirror every minute or so because she looked tense and wasn’t responding to him – okay, she wasn’t paying attention, there were more pressing matters in her mind. But maybe it made sense to work out some of that anxiety, try to ease her nerves at least slightly before she got to the hospital. Besides, Clarke would need to be able to talk to Lexa’s doctor. “My mind’s been a little preoccupied.”

“Private Myles, ma’am.” He answered her. “And that’s perfectly fine, I heard about Commander Woods.” He paused for a moment before adding, “I was actually there when her plane landed, Lieutenant Diggs was in charge of transporting her to the hospital.”

It wasn’t long before Clarke was thanking Myles for the ride and getting out; he was a nice kid, very polite, got out to even open the door for her. She didn’t wait long, grabbed her bag and headed inside to find someone she could talk to – Myles was dropping her suitcase off at the hotel they had booked for her, and she would get the details either through a text or an email, Clarke wasn’t sure which because she was running off before he had even finished. She got some weird looks as she practically ran inside the hospital and towards the reception, not paying much attention to anyone around her.

“Hi,” Clarke said in a rush to the lady sitting at the desk. She looked up at Clarke questioningly, “Can you tell me where Commander Alexandrine Woods is please?”

The lady nodded, typing up something on the computer in front of her, “There’s no one by that name here, I’m afraid.”

Clarke sighed, this happened a lot. “Try Alexandria Woods, please? They make that mistake a lot.”

The woman nodded again, muttering a small _sure_ , before typing into the computer again. This time she found what Clarke was asking for and made a mental note to fix the spelling on the records. “Who should I say is asking?” She asked, picking up the phone by her side

“Clarke Griffin.” She replied immediately, “I’m her fiancée and emergency contact.”

The woman nodded, punching in a short number before speaking into the phone. Clarke waited impatiently, watching as the other woman asked about Lexa and saying there was family here to see her. “Take a seat miss,” She gestured towards the row of plastic chairs against the wall opposite the reception desk. “Dr. Jackson will be here in a minute.”

“Thank you.” Clarke muttered, stepping away and sitting down. She let out a sigh, fidgeting with her ring yet again. It wasn’t something she did when Lexa was around, Clarke noticed she only twisted her ring around her finger when she was nervous or worried about her partner. She brought out her phone, checking the time, before unlocking it; it was a little past 7pm in Washington and Clarke wished she had gotten here sooner. She would have been here an hour earlier but her flight was delayed, and all Clarke wanted to do was be by Lexa’s side right now.

It had been a while, twelve minutes to be precise according to her phone and Clarke was getting impatient. She was about to approach the lady at the reception desk again when she heard someone call her name. “Yeah, that’s me.” Clarke turned her head to find the source of the voice and stood up to greet him.

“Hi Miss Griffin, I’m Dr. Jackson.” He introduced himself, extending his hand and Clarke shook it. “I’m going to be looking after Commander Woods.”

“How is she?” Clarke asked impatiently, she had waited long enough.

The doctor seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking, “Why don’t we go to my office.” He told her, about to lead her down the hallway.

“I just want to see her.” Clarke stopped him. “Please.”

Dr. Jackson nodded, “She’s asleep right now.” He told her, “I think it’s best if we talk first.”

They walked down the hallway in silence, stepping into the elevator as the doctor pressed on the second floor and the two of them waited. It was awkward and tense but lasted less than a minute before he was leading Clarke into his office.

“Is it that bad?” Clarke asked as soon as she stepped inside the doctor’s office and he closed the door behind them.

“Commander Woods has been through a lot.” Dr. Jackson told her, “Take a seat, please.”

Clarke nodded, doing as asked and waiting as Jackson sat down across the desk from her. Clarke hesitated, brows furrowed as she considered whether or not to ask. “Is she going to make it?” Her voice wavered, she had been thinking about it ever since she spoke to Miller. She didn’t want to consider that, but it was a possibility from what she had been told and Clarke just wanted to know if she was going to have to say goodbye to the love of my life.

“She is, yes.” Dr. Jackson nodded and Clarke let out a sigh of relief. “Commander Woods is stable now and she is going to get better.”

Clarke waited a second, “But?” She asked, there had to be a but, from what she knew so far, Lexa wasn’t just going to be fine.

“But,” The doctor started. “She has been through a lot, and the explosion on its own would have been enough to kill her.” Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, waiting for him to continue. “She was taken by a group of rebels, they held her for months, tortured her for information and all of that has left a mark.”

“How bad?” Clarke choked out.

“Quite bad.” He told her honestly. “She was shot in her right leg three times and one of the bullets was still lodged inside her. And from what we can tell, it happened at least four months ago. It wasn’t treated and the muscle tissue didn’t heal properly, especially around the bullet still inside her. That’s going to have a lasting effect.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked in a panic. “What kind of lasting effect? Will she be able to walk?”

“It will take some time, and possibly physical therapy, but she will, yes.” He nodded. “But it will permanently hinder her mobility.” Dr. Jackson brought out a file from under his desk before opening it. “We found some issues with her shoulder too, misaligned from its socket but that should be fine after some time.” Clarke nodded, it felt like there was more coming, a lot more, and she wasn’t sure she could handle it, handle knowing what happened to Lexa. “There are numerous bruises and cuts and other marks-”

“From being tortured?” Clarke asked him, her voice small and weak.

Jackson only nodded. “The explosion,” He started with a small sigh, “Most of the internal damage caused by that healed over time, but Commander Woods suffered burns to the left side of her face and left arm.” He watched Clarke for a moment, unsure if she understood what that meant. “She has scars from it, very visible scars and I want you to know that before you see her.”

“Is she in pain?” Clarke asked as she nodded, she didn’t like the thought of that. All Clarke could think about right now was the pain she must have been in after the explosion; Clarke has had minor burns before and they hurt like hell so she couldn’t imagine what Lexa went through. God, seven months, Clarke couldn’t come close to imagining the pain she must have been in.

“Because of the burns, no.” Dr. Jackson shook his head. “But she is in pain.” Clarke sucked in a shaky breath, trying to keep herself steady. But it was hard right now, it was hard enough that Lexa was gone for so long being tortured in who knows what way, but hearing how she was now made it worse. “Miss Griffin, it’s really important that you understand after everything Commander Woods has been through, she isn’t exactly how she was when she left for her tour.”

Clarke nodded, she had expected that, so she was preparing for it. “I know.” She told him, tears spilling now. She was expecting it, she was expecting this, she didn’t expect Lexa to come back magically unharmed. But it was hard hearing it.

“She’s going to need help after she gets out of the hospital.” Clarke nodded. “For a while.” She nodded again. “We don’t know the extent of the torture she endured but it’s not something she’s going to get over in a day or even a week.” Dr. Jackson took a deep breath, looking back at the open file, “We do know one thing though; she was waterboarded or strangled or something that regularly restricted oxygen to her brain.” Clarke watched him questioningly, waiting for him to explain. “There has been permanent damage to her brain because of it.” The doctor watched as Clarke brought a hand up and rubbed her face, trying to gather herself. “It’s going to affect her motor skills, her cognitive skills, her behavior even.”

That one was like being punched in the stomach, like all the air had been knocked out of her and Clarke wasn’t sure what to say to that. “What can I expect when I see her?” She struggled to get the words out.

“We don’t know quite enough yet because she hasn’t been awake for too long.” Dr Jackson answered. “From the brief conversation I had with her, the Commander is a little slow to speak, and to understand and process what you’re saying.” Clarke nodded, clenching her jaws, she needed to be strong now, she had to be for Lexa. “We’ll know more as time passes, and you can have a talk with our specialist later on to talk about what more to expect and how to cope with it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no reunion yet. but very soon. they'll see each other again very soon. given the nature of lexa's injuries and stuff, there's gonna be some medical facts and info. i did as much research as i could. but i do apologize for any mistakes to come, this isn't my strong suit. should be good enough though, because i'm like not getting in too deep about all the medical stuff. mostly its gonna be angst and its gonna have a good chuck of hurt/comfort and all that good stuff. 
> 
> also thank you for reading, thank you for the comments and the kudos.


	4. Back home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally see each other again and it's....emotional. There's a little bit of good news about Lexa's health. Lexa's having a hard time believing she's back and that this is real, not to mention how she's having a hard time from everything else Dr. Jackson mentioned in the last chapter. And well, it seems like Clarke is the only thing right now that can ground her to reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst? did someone say angst? because this is angsty. but its also cute. coz they finally see each other and its emotional and heartwarming and lexa. bby. my love. she's hurt and she's having a rough time. and she's struggling. but clarke. clarke is here. clarke's an angel. and right now. all lexa needs is something to hold onto that makes this feel real, that makes being back feel real. and like. now. now we're finally getting into the real story. oh right. this chapter was supposed to be shorter, like 3k-3.2k but it got longer than that and now its like at 3.4k.....

The rest of the talk with Dr. Jackson was relieving, and Clarke wasn’t expecting it to be. Lexa was a lot more responsive and coherent after she had woken up from surgery…to everyone’s surprise. She even had a conversation with Dr. Jackson, telling him how she was feeling, where she was hurting, asking if they had contacted Clarke. So yes, at least that was something; after everything else Clarke had been told about Lexa, she was very close to breaking down right there in the doctor’s office. But yes, there was some good news, at least Lexa was responsive now, and that put Clarke’s mind at ease even if it was just slightly.

She was asleep now, and Clarke was sitting in the room by the side of her bed, holding her hand. Clarke couldn’t help it, the moment she had walked in, the moment she had seen Lexa, she broke down. Hunched over the foot of the bed, Clarke just cried; Lexa was here, she could see her, she could touch her, and god, she had been through so much while Clarke was just here waiting for her. The tears just wouldn’t stop, the sobs raking through her body as she stood there helpless, just watching Lexa.

Dr. Jackson was right, the burns had scarred; Lexa’s left cheek and down to her neck and upper chest from what Clarke could see, it looked like it went under the hospital gown as well. The skin was raised and uneven, there wasn’t much change to the color but some bits were slightly darker. Clarke wanted to reach out and touch it, kiss it, make it better somehow but at least she knew it wasn’t causing her pain, and Clarke didn’t want to wake her up, Lexa needed the rest. The burns on her arms were different; the outer side of her left arm was similar to her face, but there were newer ones too, as was there on her right arm, red and dark brown, raised lines or circles, it was clear that those were put there by someone. She was covered in bruises too, from the small bit of skin that was exposed, Clarke could tell there were a lot more bruises hidden under the blanket and her gown.

Clarke was sitting by her side now, holding her right hand; speaking of, her left hand was wrapped in bandage, and Clarke was surprised that Dr. Jackson hadn’t mentioned it because it looked like her ring finger and pinky were missing. Okay, that had made her gasp, made her want to exclaim in surprise and horror, really, because…how did that happen exactly? Did Clarke even want to know, was a better question. But Lexa looked peaceful right now, sound asleep as her chest rose and fell steadily, the beeping on the monitors by the bed constantly reminding Clarke that she _was_ here and that she _was_ alive. Clarke was waiting for her to wake up, she missed those eyes, that voice but at the same time Clarke wasn’t even sure how Lexa would be when she saw her.

It had been about an hour since Clarke had gotten to Lexa’s room before pulling out her phone for the first time. She flashed a small smile towards Lexa, she couldn’t take her eye’s off of her since getting here. Once Clarke had gotten over the initial shock of seeing Lexa’s injuries and stopped herself from crying over the thoughts of what had happened to her, Clarke just sat there watching her, grateful that she was back and alive. Clarke scrolled through her contacts, tapping on Raven’s name before sending her a quick text to let her friends know what was happening. She had left in a rush, running into Principal Jaha’s office and telling him she needed time off starting right now because her fiancée was miraculously back, and then home to pack before she was on her way to Lexa.

She had just pressed send on the text when she heard Lexa’s breathing change from next to her. Clarke held her breath as she watched her, Lexa stirring gently in place, a small whine escaping her before furrowing her brows. And then she opened her eyes, eye lids fluttering as they opened slowly, Lexa blinked a couple of times, even the dim light feeling too bright right now, causing her to squint. But then a second passed, and one of the lights turned off, now the only source of light coming from the corner of the room from what Lexa could tell, _oh there’s a floor lamp there_. She had seen the room before falling asleep, she had taken in every inch and every corner of it, doing her best to commit it to memory – it was habit at this point, in case she needed a way out, needed a weapon to defend herself, or even a hiding spot.

“Hi,”

A voice called out from her side and it caused Lexa to freeze, panic shooting through her body. She hadn’t accounted for someone being here. But then the voice spoke again, and the panic melted away.

“It’s me.” Clarke spoke gently, voice soft and not wanting to startle Lexa. “It’s Clarke.”

Lexa turned her head immediately in the direction of Clarke’s voice, regretting the swift motion as the pain in her neck and shoulders flared up and caused her to bite back a groan. Lexa only watched her, watched the woman she loved sitting by her bedside smiling at her. She didn’t have it in her to speak, her head leaning against the pillow as she watched Clarke; it was like a wave of relief washing over her at the sight of finally seeing her, her eyes felt like coming home, suddenly she felt safe.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked her, a little worried at the way Lexa was wordlessly watching her with a blank expression; Dr. Jackson did say she was a little slower at understanding. But then she smiled. The corners of her lips curling up slowly into a smile and Clarke was ready to start crying again right then. It had been so long since she’d seen that smile, or those eyes, or even that face. “Hi,” She said again, tears filling her eyes again as she leaned forward; her movement was slow and careful, giving Lexa time to register it because she didn’t want to startle her.

“Hey,” Lexa finally spoke, her voice cracking and raspy, her throat dry and she couldn’t help but cough. That hurt her chest, her hand coming up from Clarke’s gentle grip to clutch at her chest instead.

Clarke was on her feet in a moment, stepping away to the table next to her before filling a glass with water from the jug. Returning to Lexa, she held the straw to her lips, “Here,”

Lexa took a couple of small sips before nodding at Clarke, “Thank you.”

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked her before placing the cup away and returning to her seat.

“You’re here.” Lexa spoke as she watched Clarke, almost like she hadn’t heard her question. She couldn’t believe it really, after being away for months, seven of which were spent in captivity, Lexa almost couldn’t believe that Clarke was here right now. Her hand came up, her movements slow as every part of her protested, and Lexa reached up to touch Clarke’s face, needing to know for sure that this really was her Clarke, and not just a figment of her imagination. “It- it’s really you.” Her voice was just above a whisper, touching Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke nodded, leaning into Lexa’s hand, “It’s me.” She told her with a smile, the tears falling now as she turned her head and kissed Lexa’s palm. “It’s me baby.”

Lexa sighed this time, voice louder and actually audible when she spoke this time, “I-” She stuttered, “I missed you,” There was a pause, her mouth still open as Lexa tried to get words out that just wouldn’t come. “So much.”

“Oh baby, me too.” Clarke moved this time, coming closer and loosely wrapping her arms around Lexa. She couldn’t help it any longer, she needed to be closer to her, she needed to hold her. But her movements were slow, Clarke didn’t want to startle her and she wanted to give Lexa time to stop her if she wanted to. But Lexa hugged her back, her hold on Clarke limp and just barely there. “I missed you so much.” She couldn’t keep the tears from falling, feeling as Lexa pressed against her, burying her face in the crook of her neck.

Lexa sighed, let herself go, let herself believe that she was finally back home and finally safe. Clarke was here, she was here and she was holding her and that’s all Lexa needed to feel okay for a moment. She breathed her in, Clarke still felt exactly how she remembered, she felt like home. Lexa didn’t remember everything from when she left, even the sound of Clarke’s voice was starting to fade in her memory. But the moment she held her, she knew she was home. It was a long few seconds before the pain started creeping back again, “Easy there,” Lexa spoke, feeling the pressure in her chest. “My chest was open just a few hours ago.”

“Oh shit.” Clarke pulled away immediately. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” She couldn’t help but ask, Lexa’s tone was light though, but her words came out slow, slower than they used to before. Maybe it was because she was tired and had just woken up.

Lexa shook her head, leaning back against the pillows behind her, oh how she’s missed pillows. And beds. And blankets. Oh and being clean and not covered in blood and dirt and- Clarke was staring at her with a concerned look on her face and it brought Lexa out of her thoughts. “I’m okay.” She told her. “I’m better.” She was, she really was. She was hurting less now than when she had fallen asleep, Clarke was here, her mind was…quiet – she was okay.

“Yeah?” Clarke questioned, she mostly looked worried, her eyes scanning over Lexa. The scars on her face, her arms, her mind clouded with everything Dr. Jackson had said. Lexa was holding up pretty well though, Clarke was half expecting a breakdown from her after she woke up but she looked okay right now.

“Yeah.” Lexa breathed out. “Did you talk to…” She trailed off, thinking about it, unable to recall his name. “Doctor…” Lexa closed her eyes rubbed her forehead with the bandaged hand, trying to remember his name. “Jackson…?” She finally got out. “Did you talk to him?”

“I did.” Clarke nodded. “Is that okay?” Given Lexa’s condition, her doctor would have wanted to talk to her family or next of kin or whoever was listen on her file. So, he told her everything but Clarke wasn’t sure if Lexa knew that, or if she even wanted that.

“I asked him to.” Lexa replied. “I’m having a little trouble uhh,” She sighed, losing her words again. “Finding my words.” She forced out a smile, looking at Clarke, “So I’m sorry if I speak a little slowly.”

Clarke only nodded, the two of them silent for a second before Clarke asked, “How are you, Lexa?”

“Honestly?” She looked at Clarke questioningly, the reality of everything was starting to set in. “I don’t know Clarke.” Clarke let out a small breath, swallowing the lump in her throat before taking Lexa’s hand again. There was this pain in her voice, something Clarke had never heard before, not even earlier on but right now. She rubbed her thumb on the back of Lexa’s hand, letting her relax and close her eyes for a moment. “I still can’t believe you’re here.” Lexa told her as her eyes opened to look at Clarke again. “I still can’t believe _I’m_ here. It feels like a dream” She told her honestly, her words coming out slowly. “And I’m scared I’m going to…wake up any moment and be back t-there.”

Clarke shook her head, “No, no, this is real. This isn’t a dream.” She brought their joined hands up to her lips, pressing a kiss to it. “You’re here, back home. And you’re safe.”

“So much has happened Clarke.” She admitted, Lexa’s voice a whisper.

Clarke nodded, she knew that. But she didn’t really know what. “You can tell me everything.” She told her. “If you want to.” Clarke added quickly, she didn’t want Lexa to have to do anything she wasn’t ready to.

“I don’t even know when I got here.” Lexa started, letting out a long sigh. “They told me I wasn’t even res-resp…” Longer words were harder apparently, so Lexa just paused and shook her head, trying to clear her mind before attempting to speak again, “Responsive,” She nodded as the word finally left her lips, “back in Cyprus, I was barely even cons…” Lexa trailed off, _okay no long words_. “Awake.” She settled on instead, she was half expecting Clarke to finish for her and Lexa was only glad that she was being patient instead. “It looked like I wasn’t going to make it, and I was on a lot of drugs while they tried to uhh…stab-stabilize me.” The words were coming out on their own, it felt like a weight was being lifted off of her as she spoke about it. “They could see the extent of my injuries.” She paused taking a breath, not wanting to rush herself. “And they figured I had been through…hell. Or trauma.” Lexa shrugged with one shoulder. “So they thought that was causing the…” The word was on the tip of her tongue but it didn’t seem to come. “Not being responsive bit.” She said instead, Lexa didn’t have the energy right now to find the words she needed. “That and severe brain trauma.” She tapped her temple with index finger. “They were half right. The brain trauma isn’t…severe. But the rest of it is…on point.”

Her voice was strained but steady, and Clarke just wasn’t sure how she was doing that. How Lexa was so calm and put together about it. Maybe it hadn’t sunk in yet, maybe she had dealt with it long enough to be used it now, or maybe it would just hit her later. “Yeah, but you’re talking to me.” Clarke responded. “You’re understanding what I’m saying.”

Lexa nodded, “Doc said they weren’t expecting that.” She told her. “After how I was on base, they thought I’d be like that for at least a while.” Lexa thought about it again, trying to remember what exactly she was told, “Because I was in shock or someth- something? I don’t know but they might have been right.” She paused again for a moment, “Because the first thing I _actually_ remember after being resc-res…” Lexa sighed, a little frustrated, “Being found,” She went with instead. “Is waking up here. Everything before that is just blurry.”

“What do you remember?” Clarke asked her carefully. “Like from after they found you.”

“Waking up from surgery.” Lexa answered simply. “Or well…surgeries.” She huffed out a small laugh, shaking her head. “Then I talked to the doctor and he looked shocked.”

“He wasn’t expecting it?”

Lexa shook her head, “He told me what the medics from Cyprus told him.” She told her. “And if I was him, I wouldn’t expect me to have a…” _Conversation_ but right now that was too big of a word for her to get out without stammering or messing up. “…talk either.” Clarke nodded at her. “He told me about my injuries like I didn’t know.” She sighed, “Okay, I didn’t know _how bad_ some of it was. Like I didn’t know about my shoulder or my leg or even my br-ain.” Lexa shook her head, brushing the thoughts away for now. “But then they told me you were on your way and for a moment I was okay.” She smiled at Clarke, squeezing her hand the best she could. “I wanted to stay awake till you got here. But god Clarke, I was so tired and my body was aching and in pain and it was making me cry and the best they could do was give me painkillers and…the sleepy one.”

Clarke brought herself up this time, she was very close to crying again. Lexa had been through so much, Clarke couldn’t even comprehend it, she almost didn’t want to know. Her voice was quiet and tired, her tone…defeated. Not to mention how she was having difficulty talking, or speaking slowly. Clarke leaned closer to Lexa, kissing her forehead and Lexa sighed, relaxing under her. Clarke lingered for a moment, not wanting to move away as she felt Lexa’s hand coming up to her cheek and holding her there.

“It’s okay.” Clarke whispered against her, feeling the small quiet sob from Lexa. Clarke moved her head lower, resting her forehead against Lexa’s and staying there with her, Lexa still had her hand on Clarke’s cheek as the tears finally came. Being so close to Clarke made it feel that much more real, she was back, she was _finally_ back and everything was hitting her at once. It was a lot, her body hurt, her mind was being flooded with images, hell the hand holding Clarke here was two fingers short. It was all a lot, and as the soft cries escaped her lips, Lexa felt like she couldn’t handle it. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Clarke tried, doing her best to keep her own tears from falling. But god it was hard, it was so hard when she could hear Lexa’s sobs, when she could feel her whole body shuddering as she cried. “Baby you’re safe now, it’s all over.” Clarke told her, her voice cracking. “You’re home and no one can hurt you ever again.”

Lexa didn’t move, only held onto Clarke and just…cried. Her eyes were closed, her forehead pressed against Clarke’s and Lexa was so scared she was going to drift away into the memories and thoughts plaguing her minds. But Clarke kept her grounded to reality.

“Don’t let go.” Lexa breathed out after a moment, her eyes still closed as she felt Clarke nod against her. She needed more, she wanted more, just the feeling of Clarke against her wasn’t enough and Lexa could feel her mind wandering, going to things she didn’t want to think of. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut tighter although she knew that wouldn’t prevent her from seeing what she was. Clarke was close to her, she could feel her breath against her and Lexa couldn’t help but close the distance between their lips. It was desperate and rushed and it was almost like Lexa was trying to make up for the months she had been gone. Clarke kissed her back immediately, albeit a little taken aback by the sudden clash of lips. Clarke was gentle against Lexa, letting her take charge and have her way.

It didn’t last as long as Lexa wanted it to. She wanted to kiss her long and hard, hold onto Clarke and _feel_ her here, ground her to reality. But less than ten seconds before Lexa needed to stop and pull away and catch her breath. Breathing was hard enough as it was, and maybe kissing Clarke as hard as she had wasn’t the best idea. Lexa leaned back against her pillows, taking deep long breaths through the oxygen canula in her nose. Clarke moved away, only far enough to watch Lexa; her eyes were closed, suddenly a distressed look on her face as she tried to catch her breath.

“Hey,” Clarke placed a hand gently on Lexa’s shoulder. “Are you alright?” She asked her, watching her for a moment before Lexa opened her eyes.

“Remind me to uh,” She paused, taking another deep breath. “Take it easy next time I kiss you.”

Clarke nodded. “I will,” She leaned back in, gently touching her lips to Lexa’s – no more than just a peck. “I’ve missed that.” She told her lightly, sitting back down.

“Me too.” Lexa nodded. “I needed that, I’m still having a hard time,” she paused for a moment, _why was it so hard to get words out, it was just one sentence?_ This was frustrating. “Believing I’m back.”

“Did that help?” Clarke asked her, it definitely helped her. It was hard after so long, after what had happened, and she couldn’t even imagine how much harder it was for Lexa.

“It did.” Lexa nodded. “It feels more real now, like I can actually let myself believe you’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> babies. my babies. i love them so much. i love lexa so much. but this is like. just the start. she's back and the hardest part is over. but that doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows. recovery's gonna be hard and its gonna be a long road. but lexa's not alone. at least there's that. so yes. stay posted, it's gonna get angsty and its gonna take lexa some getting used to to well....everything. there's also a playlist in the works for this fic. and i'm hoping it'll be ready soon so i can post it. but yeah, thanks for reading, thanks for the comments and kudos. let me know what you thought about this one.


	5. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First night being back is kind of rough. Even with all the drugs, Lexa can't seem to sleep through the night without something waking her up. And all Clarke wants to do is help and make it all better but it's not as simple as that. Either way, Lexa is just glad she's not alone right now and that someone is here to ground her to reality when the nightmares get too much. Their friends also make an "appearance" of sorts; mostly just worried about Lexa and asking how she's doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the friends make an appearance through texts. coz well. they're back home. not in DC. bonus points to anyone who can tell me who's who from their contact name on Clarke's phone. other than that, there's a little bit of angst. and like. lexa suffering. again. but like. she's not alone.

It wasn’t a surprise that Lexa was tired, and it wasn’t a surprise that she demolished her dinner in less than five minutes either. Although her left shoulder and arm weren’t restricted with anything like a sling, there wasn’t much strength in it – there wasn’t much strength in her other arm either. It hurt, everything just hurt, picking up things were hard, even if it was a spoon. So, she needed a _little_ help from Clarke, hospital food was supposed to be disgusting, but after whatever Lexa got the past seven months, this was better than anything she could have asked for. This was her first actual meal since getting back; after waking up from surgery, she was nauseous and the last thing she wanted was to eat.

Clarke had helped her sit up, which caused Lexa to have to uncover more of her arms, even giving Clarke a glimpse of her upper legs. There were a lot more scars and marks on her, Clarke noticed that when she finally got to see more of her. There were a lot of bruises, different colors and sizes, some a lot new and red and brown, others slightly older and moving to a bluish-purple hue, and very few almost healed with the ugly yellow tinge on her skin. There were numerous cuts on her too, everywhere Clarke could see, some stitched and covered by bandages, others just covered, and some that had healed but had left scars.

By the time it hit 10pm, Lexa was fast asleep, she was awake longer than she was expecting to be. But after the nap, and just by the fact that Clarke was here, she didn’t want to sleep; she wanted to spend time with Clarke, try to make up for the time they had lost. Dr. Jackson had come by to check on her, another doctor who was on rounds after that who’s name Lexa didn’t quite remember. But eventually the pain had crept in, well, it was there since she had woken up but it only kept growing as the night went on and by the end of it, the small constant drip of morphine wasn’t quite enough and Lexa needed a bit more. It wasn’t long after that that Lexa fell asleep, it wasn’t her fault really, she thought she wasn’t sleepy and talking to Clarke was something she missed awfully, but the drug put her to sleep quite easily. 

Clarke stepped out a few minutes after Lexa was asleep, staying long enough to ensure she was deep in her slumber before leaving. It was the first time all day she had realized that she hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast; there was food on the plane but that was the last thing on Clarke’s mind then. So Clarke made her way to the hospital’s canteen – getting lost for longer than she would like to admit – before she was sitting at a table with a tray of _food_ in front of her. It looked very similar to what Lexa had gotten, so Clarke didn’t have high expectations – but she was hungry, and she didn’t have much choice.

Her phone was drowning in notifications, texts and missed calls and just a lot of questions from her friends. Between bites, Clarke unlocked her phone, reading through the text – Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Anya, some texts even from her colleagues. They were all about Lexa, and the ones from her friends were almost all in capital letters. Clarke had only texted Raven earlier, asked her to let the rest of their friends know about Lexa too. Most of the texts were questions, asking if Lexa was alright, how she was, asking is she _was_ actually back. They were worried and concerned and Clarke decided the best way to get back to all of them at once was to set up a groupchat. _What happened to the one we used to have?_ Clarke couldn’t help but wonder as she set up a new one, it was a little past 7pm back in DC, so they would all be awake.

**Reyes**

**10:03pm**

CLARKE!!!!

**Other Blake**

**10:03pm**

C L A R K E

**Linc**

**10:03pm**

Clarkeeeeeee

**Scary**

**10:03pm**

Clarke what the hell???

**Boy Blake**

**10:04pm**

Why am I in a groupchat?

**Clarke**

**10:04pm**

Guys chill. Give me a second.

**Scary**

**10:04pm**

How’s Lexa???

She could see all of them typing at the same time again, and Clarke had to stop them from blowing up her phone.

**Clarke**

**10:04pm**

Stop typing and let me explain

Okay, that worked.

**Clarke**

**10:05pm**

Lexa’s okay. As okay as you’d expect. She’s asleep right now and I’m getting some dinner.

**Linc**

**10:05pm**

How is she?

**Clarke**

**10:07pm**

Hurt. Upset. Tired. I don’t know how long she’s going to need to stay here but it’ll probably be a little while. Not my place to tell you guys everything coz I don’t know if Lexa would want me to. But all you need to know is, she’s alive, she’s okay, and she’s going to get better.

**Scary**

**10:08pm**

Is it that bad that Lexa wouldn’t want you to tell us?

**Clarke**

**10:08pm**

It’s…just not my place. You know how Lexa is, she’s a private person. You can ask her yourself soon enough when we’re back home.

Lexa was a private person, Clarke was actually surprised she had asked Dr. Jackson to tell her what had happened. And Clarke was very much certain that Lexa wouldn’t want her to tell everything to their friends everything. She’d let them know about the scars though, just so it wouldn’t catch them off guard when they finally saw Lexa again. Clarke was glad Jackson had given her a head’s up about it, it was just…difficult to see that. No, it wasn’t off putting or anything like that, not to Clarke, but she knew how other people might respond to seeing it. For Clarke it was just upsetting, it was upsetting to see that because it told her what Lexa had been through, the pain she had been through and it was so bad that it left a permanent mark.

**Clarke**

**10:09pm**

Look, there’s scars okay? I just want you guys to know that before you see her coz I don’t want you to stare or do something stupid that makes her feel worse about it.

Another string of _what_ and _how bad_ and _what scar_ and _where_ from her friends.

**Clarke**

**10:09pm**

It’s from the explosion when her team went missing. So they’re burn scars. It’s on the side of her face and left arm.

.

Clarke was walking back to the room a few minutes later, a cup of coffee in her hand from the vending machine and the other hand typing out the hospital’s address into the group chat to her friends – they wanted to send flowers or something since they couldn’t be here. Lexa was still asleep, Clarke smiled to herself as she quietly stepped inside and closed the door behind her. The room was mostly dark, only the floor lamp on in the corner, turned down to its dimmest setting because Lexa didn’t want to be in complete darkness. Clarke wasn’t sleepy, and she wasn’t sure she would be sleeping tonight at all. She hadn’t been to the hotel yet, hell, Clarke hadn’t even left the room until a little while ago, she didn’t want to leave Lexa’s side. It was a nice room though, bigger than she had expected, a window on one side overlooking the city, a table against the wall, a small couch on the corner and even a coffee table. That was good, Lexa would be comfortable until they went back home.

Clarke took her seat by her partner’s side, back on the plastic chair she had spent the entire day on. Clarke looked at her, watched Lexa for a moment, she looked peaceful, and Clarke couldn’t help but imagine what things would be like now. She was finally back and that was the most important thing, but like Dr. Jackson said, a lot had happened and that had changed Lexa, and Clarke just wanted to make sure she was doing anything and everything she could to help her. It wouldn’t be easy, she knew that much, Lexa hadn’t said much about what happened to her and Clarke knew she wouldn’t for at least a few weeks – she wasn’t one to open up about her feelings and this was a lot more than just that. But from the injuries and scars, Clarke could make an educated guess that it wasn’t anything pretty and she couldn’t really help it when her mind wandered off to all the _possibilities_.

As if on cue, Lexa stirred in her place on the bed, her expression changing to one of distress. Her eyebrows were knitted together, eyes tightly shut as her arms and legs struggled on the bed, almost like she was tied down right now. Clarke didn’t want to startle her by waking her up suddenly, but she knew the best thing to do now would be to wake her up. Lexa had nightmares after her tours, that wasn’t new, so Clarke had at least some sort of experience with this – only this time it was a lot worse, normally they’d last a couple of weeks, but Lexa would eventually…be fine.

“Lexa?” Clarke spoke quietly, her voice just audible. “Hey baby, you’re okay.” She tried, her hand taking Lexa’s. But Lexa pulled away immediately, and Clarke only sighed. “Lex you’re having a nightmare,” She spoke a little louder this time. “Baby you need to wake up.” Clarke told her, her voice loud enough to be heard but not enough to scare her. She kept her hands to herself, Lexa didn’t seem like she wanted to be touched and Clarke would respect that.

Then there was a whine, sounding like Lexa was in pain, “No,” She muttered in her sleep, Clarke only watching her with worried eyes, still calling out to her and trying to break her sleep. “Please,” Her voice was quiet, strained, like she was hurting. “Stop please.” Her breathing was growing rapid, Clarke could hear the heart rate monitor beeping faster than it was a minute ago.

“Lexa you need to wake up.” Clarke tried again, panic growing within her as Lexa let out a small cry in her sleep. “Lex,” She touched her arm reluctantly, however she woke up would be better than the memory she was stuck in right now.

Lexa’s eyes shot open at the sensation of someone touching her, body jerking off the bed to an upright position as she looked around in the dark. She regretted it immediately as the pain shot through her body, her chest and shoulders and stomach feeling like it was on fire. She looked around in a panic, gasping for breath as she tried to place herself.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Clarke told her quickly, withdrawing her hand. “It’s okay Lexa.” This time she looked at Clarke. “Yeah, baby you’re okay.” Clarke nodded at her and the panic seemed to start to leave her eyes. “It’s me, it’s Clarke. You’re safe.”

“Clarke.” Lexa breathed out in relief, finally placing herself, reminding herself where she was; in a hospital in DC, with Clarke, safe. “Fuck,” She muttered to herself, grimacing as she registered the pain shooting through her from the sudden movement. Lexa fell back against the pillows, eyes squeezed shut as she waited for the pain to pass, or lessen…or something; for a moment she had forgotten about her nightmare, forgotten about what was haunting her only moments ago. It was hard to pay attention to anything right now though, she shouldn’t have gotten up that abruptly – well, she wouldn’t have if she was in control of herself in any way. 

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Clarke asked her in a panic, sitting by Lexa’s side but not touching her. “Lexa, look at me please.” She couldn’t do much more than just watch her, thinking Lexa was just reeling from the nightmare.

“Hurts.” Lexa gasped out through gritted teeth. She held out her hand for Clarke to take – she really shouldn’t have moved to fast.

Clarke took her hand, feeling helpless and panicked and unsure of what to do to help. “What do you need?” She asked her, “Do you want me to get someone?”

Lexa shook her head this time, catching her breath before finally opening her eyes to look at her. “Just,” She started, “Just stay here.” It looked like she was calming down and Lexa could feel her breathing starting to return to normal. “Hold my hand.” Tears stung her eyes, most of the intensity of the pain had passed and now her mind was back to what had woken her up. “And stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere baby.” Clarke reassured her, kissing the Lexa’s knuckles before looking back at her. “But if you’re hurting, I can get a doctor.”

Lexa shook her head again, almost in a panic that Clarke would leave. “It’ll pass.” She told her. “It’s not that bad.” She added. “I just.” Lexa let out a sigh, her lips trembling as the tears escaped her eyes. “I need you to stay.”

“I’m here.” Clarke tried, Lexa looked …afraid. Lexa’s eyes didn’t leave her’s, biting her lip to hide the tremble, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. “What can I do?” Clarke asked her, “What do you need?”

“You.” Lexa answered simply, realizing she shouldn’t have said anything when a sob almost escaped her lips.

Clarke wanted to reach out, pull her into her arms, wipe the tears streaks from her cheeks, but she wasn’t sure if Lexa would be okay with that. “Can I come closer?” She asked her instead, “Is that okay?” Lexa nodded at her, Clarke smiling back softly before getting up from the chair and sitting down on the bed instead.

Lexa closed her eyes as she felt Clarke against her and took a deep breath. _Bad idea,_ she thought as her chest expanded, _that hurt_. “I want to go home.” She muttered quietly. Her room was comfortable, the bed was comfortable, so were the pillows and the blanket. But she missed home, she missed their room, she missed their bed, she missed being in bed with Clarke, being close to her. It was hard to do that now, the bed wasn’t quite big enough, and Lexa was hurting in too many places to be pressed up against something or someone. But god, did she want that. She wanted to be close to Clarke, she wanted to be in bed with her and wanted Clarke to hold her and feel her body against her’s.

“Soon, okay?” Clarke told her. “As soon as you’re well enough to leave the hospital, we’ll go home.”

Lexa was about to nod, but stopped, a sob escaping her instead. It hurt, everything hurt right now and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure if it was physical or emotional but all she knew was that _it hurt_. It should have been over, she was back home, she was safe, no one was hurting her, so it should be over. But it felt like something else was just starting now, something different, and Lexa didn’t think she had the energy for it.

“No, no baby don’t cry.” Clarke tried, her hand still holding Lexa’s as her other hand came up on Lexa’s arm. Her skin felt different under her touch now, it wasn’t smooth or soft or what Clarke was used to when she touched Lexa. It was upsetting more than anything else, it didn’t make Clarke want to touch her any less or put her off from wanting to be closer to her, it was just upsetting to see. The burns were old now, months old and the biggest comfort Clarke had was that they didn’t hurt Lexa anymore. But everything else was hurting her, Clarke could see that, everything she had been through was hurting her and Clarke knew that was expected but it didn’t make it any easier to see her cry.

“Closer.” Lexa said between sobs, “Come closer please.” She needed to feel more of Clarke, she needed more contact, more comfort, just more to distract her from the pain and hurt. Lexa wanted Clarke in bed with her, wanted their bodies touching, wanted to feel Clarke’s heartbeat against herself, wanted Clarke to keep her grounded to reality because that was just one nightmare, one memory, just one thing that had happened the months she was gone and it was enough to make her start to lose touch with what was real. And all Lexa wanted right now was to forget.

Clarke seemed to get what Lexa was asking for, toeing her shoes off as she watched Lexa move in her bed, making space. Her movements were slow, not wanting to move the mattress too much as she found her place next to Lexa. Clarke settled on her side, taking as little space as possible and wanting Lexa to be comfortable. “Is this okay?” Clarke asked her, “Are you comfortable?” Lexa nodded her, her cries starting to die down as she caught her breath. “It’s alright Lex.” Clarke told her gently, her hand coming up to Lexa’s hair, fingers running through it gently. “I’m here, okay? Whatever you need.”

“I’m still scared.” Lexa spoke after a moment, finally calmed down enough to speak. “I’m scared none of this is real.” Her voice was quiet, words coming out slowly as she did her best to not stumble over them and relaxed against Clarke. “It’s all going to go away…i-in the blink of an eye.” She turned her head and looked at Clarke, finding those eyes with ease even in the dimness of the room; it was almost too good to be true. “This room, this bed…you.” Her hand came up, wanting to touch Clarke’s face but stopping herself; this hand only had three fingers, and Lexa was…disgusted and grossed out by it – by all the ways her body was different now, but more so by some than others – and she didn’t want to touch Clarke with that, make her uncomfortable. “And I’ll be back there.”

Clarke shook her head, watching how Lexa was hesitating to touch her and grabbed her hand. She was gentle, didn’t want to hurt her, only gently wrapped her fingers around Lexa’s wrist, offering some form of touch. “That’s not going to happen, I promise.” Clarke brought Lexa’s hand up to her face, letting Lexa’s fingers trace her jaw and then her neck as Clarke spoke. “I’m here, and I’m real. So is this room, and this bed, and everything else here.”

“It’s hard to be…be- believe that right now.” Lexa closed her eyes and relaxed, her hand coming away from Clarke’s face before settling on her arm instead. “What if I finally lost my mind?” She sighed, “What if I’m just seeing things?”

“I promise you it’s real.” Clarke told her, but she wasn’t sure how to convince her of it just yet. “And every time you open your eyes, I will be right here.”

“Promise?” Lexa opened her eyes again, watching Clarke pleadingly.

“I promise.” Clarke gave her a soft smile. “Every time you open your eyes, here, back home, wherever, I’m going to be right by your side.” Lexa nodded this time, convinced even if it was just slightly. “Now close your eyes, you need rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reyes is obviously Raven. Linc is Lincoln (also duh i don't need to explain). Other Blake is Octavia. Scary is Anya because of reasons. and Boy Blake is Bellamy. also like. poor lexa. baby is going through so much. and she's still having a hard time believing she's really here and that this isn't just her mind playing tricks on her. so yeah. let me know what you thought. and i know i say this every week, but the playlist is still in progress and i'll post it as soon as it's ready.


	6. Talking's hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's injuries and wounds aren't pretty. And Clarke had no idea how bad it really was because, until now, she had only seen Lexa's arms and face. So it's a little difficult to keep a straight face and not get upset when she's getting her bandages changed. Also we get to find out what happened to Lexa's missing fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst? yes. we get a better look at lexa's uhhh injuries. and its kinda bad. also getting them cleaned and redressed triggers some bad memories.

Lexa had slept in this morning, unsure of how she did it but when she woke up, Clarke was still right next to her. Given how the past night had gone, the morning was much better, Lexa was feeling better; maybe it was the darkness that made her feel worse, made everything here unreal, reminded her too much of where she had been. But the sun was up now, streaks of it streaming into the room through the cracks in the blind. Once she was fully awake, Clarke raised the blinds, Lexa almost smiling as she felt the sunlight on her skin. Clarke helped her up, raising the top of the bed and placing pillows behind her so Lexa was mostly upright but still had enough support to lean against.

She looked better than yesterday, it hadn’t even been 24 hours but Lexa already looked better somehow. When Clarke had seen her for the first time yesterday, it wasn’t just the scars and injuries that had caught her off guard; Lexa looked weak, she was underweight, and her skin was dry, and there was no color in her cheeks. And although most of that was still the same, the fluids were helping, Lexa’s skin already looked a lot less dry, more like skin actually and less like paper. The color in her face was returning. But her movements were very limited, it hurt to even shift in bed, and if anything, it was worse after waking up. Her whole body was stiff, the bandaged cuts and grazes and stitches feeling dry under the dressings and pulling.

Dr. Jackson was here right now, standing by the foot of Lexa’s bed after having examined her. Clarke waited on the couch at the side of the room, doing her best to not stare when Dr. Jackson looked at her more serious injuries; her shoulder and then her leg. She did her best to look away, but Lexa looked like she was in pain, every little movement earned another groan or grunt of pain. Clarke hadn’t seen her leg until now, the places where the bullets had gone through were very clearly scarred, and there was a longer mark, which was from the surgery incision, covered by a bandage. But the scars were…not pretty; they were big and dark, the skin was raised and uneven and it looked like moving her leg hurt.

“That didn’t feel okay.” Lexa commented as she looked up at the doctor. He’d said it all looked and felt fine given the circumstances. But the movements hurt, even the smallest twitch of her muscles hurt her leg. “Is it-” She paused, unsure if she wanted to know. “-going to be okay?”

“It’ll take some time because you weren’t treated when you were shot.” The doctor replied and Lexa only nodded. “I don’t think I asked you, but one of the bullets was still lodged inside; what happened to the other two?”

Lexa gave him a small shrug, like it wasn’t a big deal, “I dug them out.”

“ _What?_ ” Clarke exclaimed suddenly, speaking for the first time since the doctor had arrived and two pairs of eyes suddenly turned on her.

“It hurt.” Lexa started, thinking back to it, “So I had to take it out.” She looked back at the doctor. “I couldn’t with the last one.” She explained. “It was in too deep and,” It was a little frustrating how difficult it was to get the words out. “My fingers didn’t reach.”

“It’s no short of a miracle that it didn’t get infected.”

Lexa shrugged. “That and most of the other ones, honestly.” It was surprising, the environment she was in was by no means _clean_ or anything remotely close. There were patches of skin that had _come off_ her back but somehow it didn’t get infected too bad, or the burns on her face, or the bullet wounds on her leg, or any of the other wounds. A couple of them did get infected, but it wasn’t anything too serious; it was the surprising, but Lexa was grateful nevertheless. She was on antibiotics at the moment for it, and other than needing to keep the wounds clean, that was enough for it to heal. “My back feels like its uhh…” She trailed off, “Leaking. I think.” Lexa finally finished.

“That’s expecting, it’s just healing.” He reassured her. “I’ll have a nurse come in, change your dressings and clean your wounds.”

It wasn’t long after that that Lexa was laying on her back without her gown. The blanket was pulled up to her waist, eyes looking up at the ceiling and Lexa didn’t dare look down. She didn’t want to see it, she didn’t want to see all the places she was hurt, all the ways she was tortured, she didn’t want to be reminded of it – she was there for it after all. Lexa had a feeling that if she did, she would break down again, much worse than last time. The nurse didn’t speak much; he seemed nice, he was polite, very professional as he helped Lexa out of her gown and told her it might hurt a little. She almost scoffed at that, it couldn’t be that bad after what she was used to. And it really wasn’t, the mild sting of the antiseptic on the wounds almost felt comforting right now.

Clarke sat on the couch and waited, doing her best to keep herself from crying at the sight of Lexa’s body. Like seeing her leg wasn’t bad enough, her front was like a painting of red, blue, purple, and yellow; cuts, grazes, bruises. There were some burns too, odd shapes, and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what had put those on her. And then there was the surgery incision, it ran from the middle of her ribcage to a few inches above her belly button. It was hard to look at, and it was even harder to keep herself from thinking about the horrors that led to all these marks on Lexa. Unlike the burns on her face and hand, it was clear that these were causing her pain, she could see it in the way Lexa’s face changed as the nurse cleaned each and every one of them. And she had seen Lexa’s face and heard the groans and hisses when she moved after waking up this morning.

A few minutes later, Lexa was sitting up, the newer and more serious injuries covered with bandages and the rest of them just cleaned and left to heal. There were the older ones too out on full display, the ones that had healed but left scars too, and the bruises that were a morbid blend of colors. The nurse was working on her back now, all the bandages were off and it did actually sting this time, enough for Lexa to be hissing in pain every time the antiseptic touched her. It was a lot worse than her front, and Lexa couldn’t help but let her mind wander back to how she had gotten these. Suddenly all she could see was herself bound by her arms overhead, her top gone as someone from behind her repeated the same questions over and over again, a whip cracking on her back every time she refused to answer. It didn’t work, Lexa never answered, she was bleeding and her head was spinning and her legs had given out, hanging practically by her wrists, but Lexa never gave them the answers they wanted.

It was hard looking at that. Clarke didn’t think it would be harder than seeing her front but oh god, it was. It was so much worse. Red lines crisscrossing her back, some deeper than others, some stitched closed, and a couple of small patches where the skin had peeled off. One moment Lexa seemed okay, and the next she was crying and gasping for breath and Clarke couldn’t keep herself seated any longer. She was up on her feet, rushing to her in a matter of seconds. “Lexa?” Clarke started, her hand going on Lexa’s thigh. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?”

“I can’t.” Lexa gasped out. “I can’t do this.” She shook her head. “It’s too hard.”

Clarke didn’t know what was wrong, everything seemed alright this morning, Lexa was doing alright. But right now she seemed to be worse than last night. “Talk to me,” She told her, sitting down in front of her. “What is? What’s too hard?”

“Everything.” Lexa threw herself on to Clarke, into her arms and Clarke needed a moment to register it before putting her arms around her. She had to be careful though, she didn’t want to touch any of the open and exposed wounds. “It was supposed to be easy after coming back.” Lexa spoke between sobs, her voice muffled against Clarke. “But it’s hard in a _completely_ new way.” She pressed further into Clarke. “And I don’t know how to handle it.”

Clarke only held her, confused and at a loss, not sure what had suddenly made her feel like this, what had suddenly changed her mood. “I know, I know.” She muttered into her hair, a hand coming up to run through it as she did her best to not obstruct the nurse as he stood there waiting.

He approached Lexa again, his fingers grazing her skin when she brought her head up to look at him. “Please, I-I” It seemed to be harder to get full sentences out when she was crying, “Need a m-minute.”

He nodded at them, looking at Clarke, “Everything’s been cleaned, some of them just need to be covered.” He told her, watching as Lexa leaned back against Clarke. “I’ll leave the bandages.”

Clarke waited in silence, nodding at him as he left and the door closed behind him. “Hey baby,” She spoke to Lexa softly, the sobs had gone quieter, but the tears were still soaking through Clarke’s t-shirt. “Talk to me please.” She tried.

“Talking’s hard.” Lexa stated, her voice cracking as another sob threatened to escape her.

Clarke nodded, she knew that, so she held her close, “It was supposed to be easy after coming back?” She asked her instead, repeating what Lexa had told her a moment ago. “But it’s different, isn’t it?” Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded. “Still hard.”

“So hard.” Lexa muttered.

“And you don’t know how to deal with it, right?” Lexa nodded against Clarke. “You’re not alone now okay?” Clarke told her. “It’s hard in a completely different way, I know. And I have no idea what it must be like for you baby.” Her voice was gentle, quiet and just loud enough to reach Lexa. “But I’m here and whatever you need, I’m going to be here. You don’t have to do anything alone.” Lexa’s arms around her tightened, pressing herself closer to Clarke. “It’s different now but you’re strong, and you’ve gotten through the hardest part, so I know you’ll make it through this too.”

“I don’t know.” Lexa muttered. “I’m,” She shook her head, “So tired.”

“That’s okay.” Clarke kissed the top of her head. “Whatever you need, I’m here.” She reminded her. “I know there’s not much I can do but Lexa I’ll be here right by your side.” She told her. “It’s so hard, baby I know. But you don’t have to do anything alone, not anymore. I’ll be here holding you up, right by your side.” Her heart broke for her, her heart broke a little bit more with sob that left Lexa’s lips, every time she clinged a little harder to Clarke. “I know you’re tired.” Her voice was a whisper now. “And I’ll do everything I can to hold you up and keep you going. As hard as it is, as new as it is right now, I won’t let you do any of it alone, okay?”

Lexa nodded against her, calmer now after having listened to her but she didn’t want to move. Not just yet. So they stayed like that, Clarke holding her, soothing her, whispering soft nothings into her ear and watching as Lexa cried, unable to stop herself. It wouldn’t stop, the tears wouldn’t stop, the images in her mind wouldn’t stop and it all felt so real. It wasn’t, Lexa knew it wasn’t, she knew she was safe here, in Clarke’s arms. But everything her mind came up with, everything it was showing her, it felt so real, took her back there again. “I can’t,” Lexa finally brought herself up, “do it alone.”

“You won’t have to, I promise.” Clarke gave her a reassuring smile, kissing her forehead before brushing the tear tracks away. “Let’s get you dressed, you’re gonna catch a cold.”

.

Christmas was around the corner, and Lexa was surprised she hadn’t noticed it until just now. The door to her room was open, Clarke had stepped out to get something to eat, she didn’t want to leave Lexa’s side but Lexa was asleep when Clarke had left. She didn’t want Lexa to worry if she woke up before she was back, Clarke had let her know that she’d be out for a few minutes to get some food. By some miracle, there weren’t any nightmares or flashbacks in her sleep this time, it was just pitch black and Lexa couldn’t have asked for anything more _comforting_. So yes, Christmas. It was over a week into December from what Lexa recalled being told, and she had forgotten how close Christmas was until she saw one of the hospital staff walking with a Santa Claus hat on.

“It’s almost Christmas.” Lexa stated as Clarke walked back into the room a moment later.

“It is,” Clarke gave a nod, a little confused as she made her way to the couch and dropped a plastic bag on it. “It’s the 11th of December.” She told her before asking, “How long have you been awake?”

“I don’t know.” She told her honestly. “A few minutes maybe?”

Clarke nodded, looking away for a moment, retrieving her sandwich and bottle of diet coke from the brown paper bag. “How did you sleep?” She asked her carefully, stepping up to the chair by Lexa’s bed and sitting down. She looked better than this morning, lighter slightly, more put together if that was possible.

“Good, actually.” Lexa sounded a little confused by that herself. “No dreams,” She added, “No nightmares.” Her words were still slow, slow enough to be noticed but again; better than this morning, it seemed to be that crying or being upset only made it worse.

“That’s good.” Clarke gave her a small smile, setting the bottle on the floor before opening the packaging of her sandwich. “So, Christmas?” She asked her, taking a bite.

“I forgot it was December,” She told her with a small shrug, “I’ve been gone a long time.”

Clarke nodded, letting out a sad sigh before replying, “Almost twice as long as you were meant to be.” She shook her head, trying brush those thoughts away; Lexa was here now, she was safe, and right now in this moment, she looked and sounded okay. “You look better.” She told her, this time smiling at her. It was past 2pm now, Lexa had fallen asleep after lunch, and even then, she hadn’t looked too well – the morning had taken its toll on her.

“I feel better.” She replied. She did, Lexa wasn’t hurting quite as much, a change of dressings on her wounds meant it wasn’t as uncomfortable or irritated now as before. “Not hurting as much,” Lexa added. “Slept well.”

“That’s good.” Clarke nodded, taking the last bite of the first half of the sandwich. “So,” She started, her tone light, “What do you want for Christmas?”

Lexa loved Christmas, it was her favorite holiday and they tended to go all out with the decorations, starting as soon as December rolled in. Clarke was never big on Christmas, not since her dad had passed away, saying it didn’t feel it was worth celebrating without him. But it was different after she had met Lexa – she was like the definition of Christmas spirit. Back in college, Lexa only wore Christmas sweaters throughout the entire month. It was different after graduating only because she had work but if she didn’t, she’d spend the entire month leading up to Christmas in ugly sweaters. And once they moved in together, decorations were going up from the first day of December, Clarke couldn’t really help but get pulled back into the spirit of Christmas. So when December rolled in this year, Clarke was dreading it. She couldn’t imagine it without Lexa, and if she hadn’t come home, Clarke was planning on spending it alone and not celebrating at all.

“I already got it.” Lexa told her. “I wanted to be home.” She explained. “I’m here.” She smiled at Clarke this time, relaxed and at ease for probably the first time since being back.

They fell silent after that, not needing or having anything else to say. Clarke was…happy. She was happy and relieved and content to have Lexa back. Yes, things weren’t going to be easy, not for a while, not for a long time maybe – and maybe things were never going to be how they used to be before. But Lexa was safe, she was home, and whatever came her way now, she wouldn’t have to deal with it alone, Clarke was going to be here, through it all and she was going to do everything she could to make it a little easier on Lexa.

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke asked after a moment and Lexa nodded, giving her a questioning look. “What happened to your hand?” She asked carefully, Clarke had been wondering since she saw it but Lexa never looked like she was in a well enough place to talk about it. _Oh,_ okay maybe she should have waited to ask.

“This one?” Lexa asked, holding her left hand up.

Clarke nodded, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, though.”

Lexa only shrugged casually, “They chopped parts of my fingers off.” She told Clarke, it was hard to tell what Lexa was feeling, her tone was…blank and so was the look on her face. “Nails first,” She brought up her right hand this time, pointing at the first joint on her right pinky. “Then chopped off from here.” Then she pointed to the second joint, “And then here.” Lexa pointed at her right ring finger this time, “And then the same on this one.” She explained, giving Clarke a shrug. That was months ago, at least four months ago and honestly, it was one of the least traumatizing things that was done to her. “But like everything else, it wasn’t treated.” Lexa explained. “So it got infected and…the doctors had to uhh…” She trailed off again, trying to find her words, “Remove it from the knuckles.”

“Oh my god,” Clarke muttered, giving her a worried look.

“It’s okay though.” Lexa shrugged, “One of the better things that happened to me down there.” She looked away for a moment before bringing her eyes up to Clarke’s. “I lost my ring though.” She sounded more upset telling this to Clarke than telling her how she lost her fingers. Lexa’s right hand gently rubbed over where her left ring finger used to be, her eyes going down to look at it. It was a beautiful ring, Clarke had it custom made and Lexa loved it. It was a gold band, a diamond set into it rather than on it given her nature of work. There was an inscription on the underside, coordinates of the place where there first kiss was.

“Well,” Clarke sighed, looking down at her own hands. “We can’t have you not wearing a ring, can we?” She asked her lightly, pulling out one of the rings from her middle finger, it wasn’t much, definitely not the one Lexa had lost – it was a simple infinity knot. “Let’s call this a placeholder,” Clarke reached forward and took Lexa’s left hand from across the bed. “Until I can get you a proper replacement.” Clarke slid the ring onto her middle finger, not really having a choice because well, the ring finger was gone. Clarke gave her a soft smile, leaning forward and kissing her knuckles, trying to push away the thoughts of how much pain Lexa must have been in when they literally chopped her fingers off as her lips grazed over the gauze.

“Can I…” Lexa started after a moment, looking at Clarke expectedly. “have a sip of your coke?”

Clarke couldn’t help but let a small laugh escape her lips as she nodded. “Of course.” She told her as she picked up the bottle and unscrewed the top and got up to get Lexa a straw.

“You don’t realize how much you miss the smallest things,” Lexa told her, Clarke returning with the bottle, “Until you don’t have it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they'll be okay. lexa's gonna be okay. it won't be easy but y'know, one step at a time.


	7. Good news and bad news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slight time jump to days 4 and 5 at the hospital. We're getting a better look into Lexa's injuries and what they entail. We're also getting another look into Lexa's mental state and how the trauma's effecting her. It's...hard. There's so many things that are different now, and so many things Lexa doesn't know how to handle. But at least she's not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i forgot i had to update tonight/today. and i just started on sharkweek so i fell asleep at like 8:30. i woke up at 3am and was like fUck i need to update. so yeah. edited the chapter and here we are. there's a panic attack in this chapter so just a heads up.

Lexa let out a small sigh, closing her eyes for a moment as the nurse wheeled her to get an MRI scan. She hated the wheelchair so much, it made her feel so helpless and dependent on the people around her and Lexa hated feeling like that. But there wasn’t much she could do right now; her leg had been acting up since last night, the pain was a lot worse for some reason, she had started to get headaches a couple of days ago too and they were getting worse, and the one that worried her the most was the fact that she woke up this morning unable to breathe. Well, she could, but she was having difficulty with it. Lexa had had the oxygen canula since she had been in DC; there were several traumas to her lungs, from blows and strikes and who knows what else, and at first it looked like it was getting better, she was fine the past two days, but something felt wrong today. She was feeling better now though, it still felt a little difficult to breathe but it was a lot better than this morning.

“Okay, this will take about an hour.” The technician told Lexa as she helped her get on the bed. She had introduced herself to her, but Lexa couldn’t remember her name, that tended to happen a lot; she was always bad with names but it was getting worse now. “We can constantly hear you and you can talk to us through the entire thing.” She reminded, Lexa nodding and laying down. “So just relax and stay still, alright?”

“Yeah,” Lexa muttered as her bed began to slide into the machine slowly. The technician walked away, Lexa taking a deep breath and steadying herself as she heard the door close behind the other woman.

Clarke was in the observation room with Dr. Jackson, technically she wasn’t meant to be here but she wasn’t complaining. Clarke was worried about Lexa, she should have been getting better, and although there were some things that were healing the getting stronger, there were a lot of others that weren’t – quite the opposite actually. So this should help get some answers, or at least point them in the right direction of what treatment might help. Lexa’s shoulder was starting to feel better, it had been since the joint had been corrected so that was some sort of comfort. But her lungs didn’t look like they were any better, and Clarke was most worried about her head. She had been worried since being told there was brain damage, but it wasn’t causing Lexa any direct pain the first couple of days but lately she had been getting awful headaches.

The radiographer, who had already introduced herself to Clarke as Maya Vie, walked into the room a moment later, and spoke into the microphone, asking Lexa if she was ready before pressing a button. The machine came to life as Clarke waited impatiently, she was just worried and yes, Clarke had no idea what any of these images would mean until explained, but she was impatient for it to be done so they could have some answers. Dr. Jackson was looking at the screen, speaking to Maya while Clarke waited. The minutes passed, Lexa occasionally speaking and Clarke replying or Dr. Jackson, she sounded bored.

It had been over twenty minutes when Maya pressed the button into the mic and spoke to Lexa, “Hey, Commander,” She started lightly. “You’re moving your leg quite a bit, I really need you to stay still.”

“Sorry,” Lexa spoke from the other end, stopping the bouncing in her good knee and taking a deep breath. It sounded a little strained this time, not bored and relaxed like when they were talking earlier.

“Almost halfway through, you’ll be done soon.” Dr. Jackson added.

Lexa could feel the panic rising within her, she was feeling sick and uneasy and wanting nothing more than to just get up and out of this machine. It was small and she was confined and it was starting to make her feel like she was trapped in a cell again. It was stupid, Lexa knew that, she could talk to the people around her, her surroundings were clean and it was bright and she knew she was safe. But it was hard to keep her mind here, at the hospital, and stop it from drifting off back to Cyprus. She felt trapped, she needed to get out and Lexa was doing her best to keep her breathing under control, to keep herself calm. But she didn’t trust herself to speak right now, her voice was strained the last time she did and honestly, Lexa just wanted it to be over.

“How much longer?” She finally asked after a while, her voice unsteady and wavering.

“Should be done in about twenty,” Maya replied. “You’re almost there Commander, just a little bit longer.”

“No,” Lexa choked out. “I can’t.” She added, her breathing rapid and easily audible over the microphone. “Get me out.”

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” Maya tried, she had experience with this, after a while patients tended to get a little claustrophobic. “We’ll be done soon.”

“No.” It was louder this time, it sounded desperate and Lexa could feel her heart pounding. “I need to get out.”

Maya called for Clarke, asking her to try and calm her because otherwise they would have to start again. “Hey baby,” Clarke spoke to her, her voice gentle and wanting to calm her down. “You’re okay, you just need to relax for a little bit longer.”

“I can’t.” She forced the words out. “I need to get out.” Lexa said in a rush, her rapid breathing making it difficult to be heard.

“Take a deep breath, Lex.” Clarke tried. “You’re ok-”

“I’m not!” She practically yelled. “It’s hard to breathe and I’m trapped in this stupid fucking thing-”

“Okay, okay baby breathe.” Clarke stopped her; she was panicking. “We’re getting you out right now.”

.

Lexa was lying on her bed right now, back in her room, mildly sedated to help her calm down after that. It had triggered a panic attack. The moment she was out of the machine, Lexa was crying and shaking and trembling and Clarke had to sit there and hold her for a good few minutes before Dr. Jackson offered a sedative to help her calm down. Her heart was pounding, her breathing was rapid, it was hurting her chest to breathe, which in turn was starting to make the rest of her body hurt. So Lexa had nodded, letting him administer the sedative as she desperately tried to push away the thoughts and images in her mind by clinging onto Clarke.

“Feeling any better?” Clarke asked her after a while, she was calmer now, her heartrate was back to normal, her breathing was okay.

But Lexa shook her head, “Not really.” She answered honestly, voice quiet and slow. “I can’t close my eyes.”

“What do you see?” Clarke asked her carefully, it helped to get things out. But she wasn’t sure if Lexa wanted to talk about it now.

“My cell.” Lexa stated simply, she was a little out of it, she was tired, wanting to close her eyes and drift off to sleep. But she couldn’t close her eyes. “Small and…cramped and I can’t even move.” She paused, taking a moment to continue, “Can’t even stand up.”

“Is that why you panicked in there?” Clarke let out a small sigh, her voice soft and gentle, wanting Lexa to know she didn’t have to say anything she didn’t want to.

Lexa only nodded. “Felt too much like that.” She let out a shaky breath, her eyes looking ahead but at nothing specific. “I couldn’t move. And I needed to g-get out.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Clarke apologized, they wouldn’t have gone with the MRI scan if they had known. There had to be alternatives. “You could have told Dr. Jackson before, I’m sure there are alternatives to an MRI.”

“I didn’t know.” Lexa replied honestly. “It’s tech-,” She closed her mouth, the word forming and going away a few times as she tried to get it out, “Techni-” Lexa kept trying, stumbling out parts of it and doing her best to not get frustrated – _technically_ wasn’t that difficult of a word. “Fuck.” She finally gave up.

“It’s okay.” Clarke gave her a gentle look. Bigger words, words that she didn’t normally use were harder to remember, or to speak and get out (because half the time she _knew_ what word she wanted to say) and although it had only been four days today, Clarke was starting to pick up on the pattern. She was starting to understand when Lexa took a bit longer to speak, or took a little longer to understand something that as being said to her, and she also realized that there were some words sometimes that took a while and all Clarke needed to do was be patient with it. “Take your time.” Clarke added, placing her hand over Lexa’s.

She was getting flustered again, Lexa hated when this happened and it happened too often. Dr. Jackson had gone over all the side effects of her brain injury to her, and what she could expect. He had also said that she wouldn’t experiencing all of them but there was no way of telling which ones just yet, only time would tell. So far, Lexa had noticed the biggest one was her ability to communicate. Sometimes it took a little longer to understand what was being said, just took her some time to process information. But given that she hasn’t been up on her feet yet, or moving around much, Lexa didn’t really know much of how she would be affected physically. What she did know now was that other than her communication issues, she was getting headaches, and sometimes – especially after waking up – she was highly sensitive to light. And honestly, Lexa was expecting more once she was more mobile.

“Why is it so hard,” Lexa paused, needing a moment to get her thoughts out, “To fucking talk?”

“Lexa it’s okay.” Clarke tried; she got frustrated more easily, annoyed, and Clarke knew these were symptoms of her injury. “Take your time.” She told her again.

“Why?” Lexa stuttered out, it only got harder the most frustrated and worked up she got. “Why is it li-like thi-s?”

Clarke only let out a sigh, gently stroking the back of Lexa’s hand, “Just relax, okay?” She told her. “You know why, and it’s okay.” Clarke told her but Lexa only shook her head, her jaw clenched. “You’re healing, it’s going to take some time, but you’re going to get better.”

Lexa shook her head this time, looking down at her lap, “I won’t be…better.” She spoke slowly, taking in deep breaths to keep herself calm enough to speak. “Not like I was.” Lexa looked back up at Clarke. “This might-” She shrugged, “Not even be like,” Another pause. “-the half of it.” Clarke only listened to her, nodding as she moved her hand up along Lexa’s arm, gently rubbing it. “There’s going to be more uh,” She sighed, she didn’t have the energy right now to speak, to find the right words. _Symptoms_ wasn’t that difficult of a word right? At least it shouldn’t be. “Forget it.” Lexa resigned. “Too tired now.” She was going to say how there were going to be more symptoms, how her right hand already had tremors and how she wasn’t sure whether it was because of her shoulder or her brain, how she wasn’t going to be how she was before she had left.

“Want me to dim the lights?” Clarke asked her, Lexa giving her a nod. Talking was hard, it took a lot of energy and a lot of focus and effort. And given Lexa’s condition right now, she didn’t have energy to spare. So Clarke got up, turned the overhead lights off and set the floor lamp at the corner of the room to its lowest setting.

“Stay here, okay?” Lexa asked Clarke once she returned to her seat. She almost sounded worried that Clarke would somehow disappear.

“Of course,” Clarke nodded, her hand going back to Lexa’s arm. “I’m not going anywhere baby. Just relax and close your eyes. I promise you, you’re safe.” It felt so different to touch her now, her skin felt different and nothing like it used to be. But it wasn’t something that mattered to Clarke, she was happy to be touching Lexa again. It just upset her, some of the patches on her arm were third degree burns, the rest of the arm not quite as bad. And the first time Clarke had touched her, she was ready to start crying because god, the pain Lexa must have been in, and her face too, that must have hurt more. Dr. Jackson had recommended a gentle lotion for it, to keep the skin hydrated and moisturized and Clarke had spent a good portion of yesterday rubbing it onto Lexa’s arm. “Your skin feels dry.” Clarke commented lightly once Lexa closed her eyes and relaxed into the bed.

“Feels it too.” Lexa nodded. “Kinda itchy.”

“Want me to put some lotion on it?” Clarke offered with a small smile, already reaching for the bottle of baby lotion; it was gentle, not tacky or greasy, and Lexa liked how it smelled.

“Please.” Lexa nodded, bringing up her left hand to rub her eyes. “I’m sleepy.”

“Go to sleep love,” Clarke responded, bringing herself up to kiss Lexa’s forehead. “You need the rest.”

* * *

“Okay, so there’s good news and bad news.” Dr. Jackson said as he stood a couple of feet away from Lexa’s bed. After yesterday, it was clear that Lexa wasn’t going to be okay with an MRI so they had settled on a CT scan. For her injuries, an MRI would have been more ideal but it just wasn’t possible given how badly it had triggered Lexa. It was a little past noon now, Lexa on her bed, propped up on some pillows and Clarke sitting with her, gently massaging her injured leg. She had been down for the scans in the morning and she had to admit, it wasn’t nearly as bad.

Clarke held her breath at that, unsure of whether or not she wanted to know what the bad was when Lexa spoke. “Start with the good.” Lexa told the doctor and he nodded.

So, Dr. Johnson started with that; her lungs were healing and getting better, compared to the scans they had from the first day anyways. Her shoulder too was looking better, and he wanted to get Lexa started on small exercises and movements that would help with her mobility; nothing too strenuous, maybe just circling her shoulders, small movements, squeezing on a stress ball to help with her grip. Clarke was relieved to hear that, it was good news, it meant the treatment was working, the medication Lexa was on was working. It also meant that the pain would subside slowly.

The bad news though, wasn’t something either of them wanted to hear. There was significant muscle tissue damage in her leg, it would have been fine if Lexa had been treated when she was shot, but the fact that it was literally months before she received medical attention, it was quite bad. She would need to stay off her leg for a while, and maybe even after that she would still require assistance to walk. But Lexa’s biggest fear was that she wouldn’t be able to walk, and that wasn’t true, it would take some time, possibly a fair bit of physical therapy too, but her injured leg would be strong enough to walk on eventually.

Her brain was a completely different story; if anything, it looked worse than it had on the first scan the day Lexa got here, just by a bit – so she was scheduled in for another scan in three days to see whether it was deteriorating or staying the same. Dr. Jackson still couldn’t tell Lexa which symptoms she would be experiencing or to what severity but that it would take time to even know that. Once she was back home, back to normal life, so to speak, more things might come to light. Mentally, it was easy here, Lexa didn’t have to do much for herself, there was always someone here to help her and assist in any way she needed. So there may be other symptoms once Lexa was having to do things herself and Lexa was on the verge of crying or maybe screaming when her doctor told her she would most likely have difficulties performing everyday tasks – things as simple as getting dressed or making herself a meal. It would potentially affect her mobility too, balance and coordination. Another thing he had mentioned was changes in mood and behavior, she might be quicker to frustration and anger, getting anxious more easily, having difficulty paying attention – Lexa had been noticing some of those already.

“It’s going to be okay.” Clarke spoke a couple of minutes after Dr. Jackson left. Lexa was silent, she didn’t have anything to say, there wasn’t anything she wanted to say. She looked upset and worried and god, she had every reason to be. “I know it sounds bad Lexa, but things are going to get better.”

“Like my brain is?” Lexa asked sarcastically, her voice tired and resigned. “Clarke I’m going to need help with-…the littlest things for…a very long time.” She shrugged, “Maybe forever. And I hate that.”

“Just because you can’t do things the way you used to, doesn’t mean you can’t.” Clarke told her instead, Lexa was an independent person. She didn’t like needing help, asking for help, she wanted to do things herself. “You’ll just need to find new ways to do them.” She offered, “I don’t exactly know how yet, but I know you like doing things yourself, and not asking for help, so I’m sure we’ll find ways for you still be independent.” Lexa didn’t speak, she didn’t look too convinced. “Okay, maybe it will take a while to figure things out and get a new system. But until then, I’m going to help out and do whatever I can to make things easy. To let you be in charge of what you’re doing.”

“You shouldn’t have to _help me_.” Lexa finally spoke, her voice small.

“I don’t have to do anything, but I want to.” Clarke interjected. “You’re my partner, you’re the love of my life, I _want to_ do all that.” She took Lexa’s hand in her’s. “Dr. Jackson’s right, things probably won’t be easy after you go home, not for a little while at least. There’s going to be a lot of new challenges and a lot of different things that we’re not even considering now.” She rubbed her thumb gently on the back of Lexa’s hand. “But I’ll do my best to make it as smooth as possible, okay?” Clarke received a small nod this time, but Lexa still looked upset. “You got me, you don’t have to do anything alone and we’ll figure things out together.”

Lexa remained silent, leaning back against the pillows behind her and closing her eyes for a moment. “I’m scared Clarke.” She spoke after a moment, her voice wavering, her lips trembling and she had to keep her eyes closed to keep the tears from spilling.

“I know, baby.” Clarke nodded. “I am too.” She admitted, leaning down and kissing the back of Lexa’s hand. “But things are going to get better. I know you, I know you’re strong and you’re resilient and nothing can stop you. And this won’t either, we’ll just have to learn to do things differently, that’s all.” Lexa only let out a shaky breath. “And you won’t have to do anything alone, you got me, I’m going to be right here every step of the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's. that's sad. i'm sad for lexa. i'm really sad for her. because i'm definitely not the one who's putting her through all of this. let me know what you thought.


	8. Jokes and physical therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is a rollercoaster. There are highs and there are lows. And this chapter is a good indication of that. It starts with a high, and there's a low, but it ends on a high. Lexa is recovering and that's what's important, things are settling in. But that also means, newer symptoms are starting to show up - with her brain injury, and her leg, and even her shoulder. It's not all bad though, Lexa has been seeing a physical therapist lately and that's going pretty well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is mostly a nice chapter. after the past chapters, this is a nice change. this chapter is days 7 and 10 at the hospital just for context.

A week of being in the hospital and it was starting to get boring for Lexa. She was stuck in her room, in her bed for the most part unless she needed to go somewhere for one test or another. She had another scan today because after the last one, Dr. Jackson was worried that her brain’s condition was deteriorating. So, it was a relief today to know that it was not, everything looked very much the same as it had last time – it wasn’t much comfort because nothing was improving, but it wasn’t getting worse either. But she was back in her room now, Clarke had gone to get some coffee for herself and a chocolate bar for Lexa. Her doctor had said she was okay to eat anything she wanted, there were no issues with her stomach or anything that would require a controlled diet. So the most exciting thing about being here right now was the soda, and the candy, and the chips that were available in the vending machines.

“Twix or Butterfingers?” Clarke asked as she walked back into the room, holding up two candy bars in one hand and her coffee in the other. “Coz you only get one, the other’s mine.”

“Butterfingers.”

Clarke nodded, sitting down on the chair next to her and handing the candy bar to Lexa. She was doing better, well, she was hurting less, she had more energy now than a few days ago, and it seemed like the nightmares weren’t consistently causing panic attacks. There did some times, where Lexa woke up panicked and breathing fast, but it wasn’t _every time_ anymore. She was on less painkillers now too, the stitches were healing and so they weren’t hurting as much, her shoulder was doing better. The only thing that was causing Lexa pain now was her leg and some of the wounds on her back. She was starting to get settled in after everything, sure it wasn’t going to be quick or smooth or even linear but so far, Clarke was happy with how Lexa was doing.

Yes, she was getting better, but her injuries and their symptoms were starting to settle down as well, so to speak. More symptoms due to her brain injury were starting to show, namely how Lexa was quicker to frustration and anger. The frustration was usually because she couldn’t finish a sentence, or say what she was thinking, or find a word she was looking for. And all Clarke could really do was be patient and tell her it was okay to take her time. Lexa also didn’t like getting her dressing changed; she didn’t like looking at all the marks on her, she didn’t like anyone else looking at them either. Her back was still the worst off, there were actually some patches where the skin had come off and it still needed to be covered with bandages.

“Ow,” Lexa muttered to herself, wiggling her upper back against the pillow behind her.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked her, a little worried at the look on Lexa’s face and the way she was moving. “Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” Lexa nodded, but she scrunched up her face in pain. “Back hurts.” She told her, it was like a stinging pain, short bursts on one patch shooting through her nerves. “It’ll pass.” Lexa dismissed it, “Things are still healing back there. And it randomly like…stings.” She shook her head, going back to what they were talking about. “So, what else have I missed?”

Lexa was in a good mood today, better than the last few days anyways and she had asked Clarke about their friends, how they were, whether anything new had happened. So Clarke was filling her in on it, but in all honesty, Clarke didn’t have much to tell. She was a little withdrawn from them the months Lexa was gone, kind of just keeping to herself and well…wallowing in how much she missed her fiancée. Clarke only grazed over that part; she didn’t want Lexa to know how hard it had been for her the whole time she was gone. It was nothing compared to what Lexa had been through and the last thing Clarke wanted was to make Lexa feel bad about being gone – she knew what her fiancée was like, Lexa would feel horrible for making Clarke go through that. But it wasn’t her fault, so there was no reason to get into that.

“Not much more,” Clarke answered. “Oh, Octavia and Lincoln got a dog.”

Lexa eyes lit up at that, “I cannot believe you didn’t start with that.” She gave Clarke a smile, “Tell me more.”

“It’s a gray and white Pitbull.” Clarke started. “He’s like…nine months old now and the most precious thing I’ve ever seen.” The dog was probably the only thing that managed to make her smile the time Lexa was gone.

“Aww,” A soft look came on Lexa’s face. “They got it as a puppy.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a mix with something else but it looks only like a Pitbull.” Clarke added. “One of Lincoln’s friends’ dogs had puppies and they put them up for adoption so they got one.”

“What’s his name?” Lexa asked. “And do you have pic-p…” She let out a small sigh, giving herself a moment before continuing, “Pictures?”

“Duke.” Clarke answered, bringing up her phone, “And yes, I have pictures.” Tapping on the photos app, Clarke scrolled through her album looking for the pictures of the dog when her phone rang with a facetime call. “Oh.” She tilted her head in confusion. “That’s unexpected.”

“Who is it?” Lexa asked, it was almost strange how she remembered what the facetime ringtone sounded like.

“Octavia.” Clarke replied, not answering the phone. “So I’m guessing Raven too and maybe Lincoln.”

“Answer it.” Lexa nodded, she didn’t really want to talk to her friends, not yet anyways. And she had a feeling that they knew she was back, and that she was in the hospital, but Lexa wasn’t sure how much of it they knew. Or how much Clarke had told them. Well, it was Clarke, so not much if at all, Lexa knew Clarke wouldn’t have said much about her…condition because Lexa was a very private person and it wasn’t like she wanted to go around broadcasting everything that was _wrong_ with her right now. And besides, Lexa wasn’t ready for anyone other than Clarke to see her, just physically, Lexa wasn’t sure she wanted to be seen. “But like, I don’t really want to…”

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Clarke nodded understandingly, “I’ll step outside okay?” She asked her, swiping the answer button before holding the phone up in front of her face. “Hey.” Clarke said to her friends as Lexa nodded at her and Clarke stepped away and towards the door. “What’s up?” She asked her friends through the phone, stepping outside and leaving the door open behind her.

“Where are you going?” Octavia asked from the other end, she could tell Clarke was walking.

“Stepping out of Lexa’s room.” Clarke answered.

“Aww,” Raven poked her head into the frame, pouting. “We wanted to see her, say hi.” She said to Clarke. “You’re not the only one who missed her, you know?”

“I know, I know.” Clarke nodded, but there was no smile, her tone was very different to her friends’. It was only a week ago that they were ready to accept the fact that Lexa was dead and never coming back. That wasn’t their fault, Clarke knew that, given the situation and the facts, it made sense. But Clarke was…a little bitter about it – to her it felt like they were ready to give up on Lexa so quickly. “She’s a uhh,” Clarke hesitated, she didn’t know how to tell them Lexa didn’t want to talk. “Resting.” She settled. “Doesn’t really wanna talk to anyone right now.”

“Oh, come on, it’s just us.” Octavia tried. “I’m sure she’ll want to if you tell her.”

Clarke forced a smile this time – her friends had been there for her but at the same time, since Lexa went missing, they had been trying to convince her to move on, _let it go_. And well, Clarke was still a little angry about that, she felt like she had every right to be. This was her partner, her fiancée, the love of her life, and to have people tell her that she wasn’t coming back was…not great. “She really needs to rest.” She told them instead. “She’s tired.” Clarke sat down on one of the plastic chairs against the wall outside Lexa’s room. “What’s u-”

“Clarke?” Lexa called out from the room, interrupting her.

“I gotta go,” Clarke said to her friends abruptly, standing up and ready to leave. “Lexa’s calling me.” She hung up before they could say anything else, pocketing her phone before returning to Lexa’s room. “Hey, baby what’s wrong?” Clarke asked her, worried as she saw the look of pain on Lexa’s face.

“Hurts.” Lexa said through gritted teeth.

“Where?” Clarke rushed to her side, her eyes scanning over Lexa, hoping to find the source.

“Leg,” Her body was stiff, Lexa’s jaws clenched. “Too much to move.”

Clarke nodded, pressing on the help button for Lexa. “It’s okay baby, someone’s coming.” This wasn’t the first time this had happened – this was the third time actually – and according to Lexa’s doctor, it was nothing to worry about (easier said than done). There was a lot of nerve damage along with the tissue and muscle damage from being shot in the leg. And every now and then, the nerves flared up, causing pain to shoot up her legs and eventually through her entire body. It made it hard to move even her hands, even the smallest movement made the pain to heighten. After the last two times, Clarke knew nothing helped quite as much as painkillers did and Lexa would need them even after she left the hospital. A hot compress helped too, along with a gentle massage, it helped the pain pass away quicker in addition to the painkiller.

It was a good few minutes before Clarke was sitting at the foot of Lexa’s bed, gently rubbing her leg which was now resting on a hot water bag. Lexa was laying back, the top of her bed lowered to a less upright position with her eyes closed. The morphine made her sleepy, it wouldn’t be much longer than before Lexa drifted off completely. Clarke watched her with a worried look, unsure of how often this was going to happen while she was here, or after she went back home. It came randomly, there wasn’t anything that triggered the pain, but once it was here, it was next to unbearable without painkillers. Lexa, personally, didn’t like how she felt when she had to take it; the first two days, she was on much more than she was on now, and Lexa was very out of it, but lately she needed it a lot less frequently.

“How are you feeling baby?” Clarke asked after a while. Lexa was still awake, but she was quiet.

“Don’t like painkillers.” Lexa answered slowly. “Or how they make me feel.” It made her brain foggy, made it even harder to talk or communicate in anyway.

Clarke nodded, her eyes worried and sad as she watched Lexa let out a sigh. “Try to sleep.” She told her, lowering herself and placing a soft kiss on Lexa’s blanket covered knee. “You won’t feel it as much after you wake up.” Lexa nodded this time as Clarke got up to turn the lights down before returning.

* * *

Since two days ago, Dr. Jackson had gotten Lexa seeing the resident physical therapist in the morning for her leg and shoulder. It wasn’t much now, about five to ten minutes, stretching her leg to loosen up and help strengthen the muscles, and also stretches and movements for her shoulder to help increase the range of motion. But right now, it was mostly for her leg. They all knew Lexa would need quite a bit more physical therapy after returning home, once she was physically stronger, for not just her leg and shoulder but just to rebuild strength and loosen all the muscles that had been restricted, inactive, and put in strange positions for way too long.

“Tell you what,” Alie said as she stepped into Lexa’s room that morning. “I think we’re ready to do something a little different today.” Lexa only gave her a questioning look, unsure of what Alie was suggesting.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked slowly, she was still waking up. She didn’t sleep too well last night, so she had ended up sleeping in this morning. And even after struggling through breakfast, Lexa was still sleepy. If anything, she didn’t want to do today’s session with Alie, it wasn’t too tiring but it did leave her sore for a few hours.

“Well,” She started as she stepped up to her, offering Clarke a hi who was sitting on the couch. “We’ll start with the usual stretches.” Alie pressed one of the buttons that controlled the bed’s position, lowering the back down until Lexa was lying completely horizontal. “And then, I was wondering,” She continued as she stepped to Lexa’s right leg and starting massage her calf. “If you’d like to go for a little walk around the hallway outside your room?”

“Wait, really?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows furrowed in suspicion almost. Alie nodded, lifting up her leg slowly and bending it at the knee. “Can I?”

“Yeah, I think so.” She nodded at Lexa, looking at Clarke this time as she walked up to her. “You’re going to need some help, but I think you’re ready to start.”

“That’s great,” Clarke commented, standing and stepping up next Lexa’s bed.

Alie gave Clarke a nod before returning to Lexa. “I think you’re doing good so far Lexa,” She continued going through their short routine of stretching. “And I think we can get you up on your feet today for a few minutes if you’d like.”

Lexa nodded, still unsure of what she was hearing. She had been stuck in bed pretty much constantly since getting back. The only time she got out was on the wheelchair – which she hated _so much_ – to either go for tests or, more recently, to the bathroom and back. “Yeah, yeah I’d like to.”

A few minutes later, a nurse had come in with a walker and at the sight of it, Lexa’s heart sank a little. She didn’t want to think that she would need to use it, it made her feel helpless and weak and it was like all the excitement of walking today had gone out the window. Clarke saw the quiver in her lips, the uncertainty in her eyes, and only held her hand as Alie finished stretching her leg and going through the exercises. Alie noticed it too, reassured Lexa that this was only temporary, and she wouldn’t need a walker by the time she left the hospital. But now she needed extra support because she wasn’t strong enough, her leg wasn’t strong enough, and her balance wasn’t there either. She would need a walking stick though, for a while at least, or if she was staying on her feet for too long as something to lean on even after she was healed enough.

It was…weird being on her feet, but once Lexa was steady enough leaning on the walker, Alie guided her out of the room while wheeling the IV drip stand behind her. Small steps, but it took more effort that Lexa thought it would as she stepped out of the room for the first time. Clarke was right next to her, unable to not smile as she told Lexa how proud she was and well she was doing. Her leg hurt if she put any weight on it, but it was okay as she lightly dragged it over the floor. Her other leg was alright, stronger than Lexa was hoping it would be after…everything. Her upper body was also better than she had expected, even her injured shoulder not hurting quite as much as she lifted the walker with every step.

But that didn’t mean it was easy. Her whole body hurt, every muscle ached with the movements that felt so foreign now. There were times when Lexa felt like she was going fall even, that her legs would give out. But she couldn’t complain right now, first time Dr. Jackson had even moved her leg after surgery, Lexa was so scared she wouldn’t be able to walk because of it. She was doing it right now though; yes, she needed help, and support, and something to stop her from even falling over, but it was temporary, this meant she was getting better. It wasn’t for long though, down the hallway outside her room and back before Lexa felt like she needed to sit down to catch her breath and Alie was leading her back to her bed.

“How are you feeling?” Alie asked once Lexa was settled back into her bed, a glass of water in her hand.

“Tired.” Lexa replied honestly. “Achy and hurting.” She sighed, looking at Alie as she massaged her calf. “But that was…really good.” Clarke was standing next to her, listening as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I didn’t really think I was going to be uhh,” She paused for a moment, “-able to walk so soon,” Lexa shrugged, “For that long.”

“You’re healing.” Alie smiled at her, her hands still working on her leg. “There’s still a long way to go and I know the rest of your body is protesting right now.” She told her. “I know walking just down the hallway isn’t that much, and it took a lot of effort, but it was a big step.”

“It was a lot of small steps actually.” Lexa said in response, her voice quiet and a little slow but she was smiling nonetheless.

“Did you just make a joke?” Clarke gave her a surprised look, grinning at her partner.

“I think so.” There was a short huff of what sounded almost like a laugh. “Thank you, Alie.” Lexa said to her this time as Alie finished massaging her leg, satisfied that there wasn’t too much strain on the muscle from walking. “This felt like…I can be ind-” She sighed, shaking her head slightly at choosing a word that was difficult to say or even remember completely. “ind…independent again.” Lexa shrugged, “To some extent, anyways but,” She waved it off, dismissing it, “Doesn’t matter.” What mattered now was that she felt a sliver of her old self, that she felt like she could take care of her self again, or just do _something_ on her own. Even though this wasn’t completely on her own and she still needed help, but it was a step in that direction.

Clarke stepped up to the door as Alie left, smiling at her and saying she’d see her tomorrow before closing the door behind her and returning to Lexa. “You look good.” She smiled at her. Lexa made a joke today, she smiled, she almost laughed, and Clarke was so close to tearing up at it. _A joke_. Clarke felt like she wouldn’t get to see this side of for a very long time, after everything, after last night even, this made Clarke’s heart want to leap out of her chest with joy, relief, who knows what else but it was everything positive right now. “You did good.”

Lexa nodded at her, a soft smile curling at the corners of her lips, “It felt good.” She told her. “I mean, I’m tired and aching and it…took a lot of eff-,” Lexa paused, running the word through her head and opening her mouth to try and get it out, “Effo-” Clarke made her way to the bed and sat down next to her. “You know what I mean.”

Clarke nodded, “Anything I can do babe?” She asked her, her hand automatically going to take Lexa’s.

“Shoulders and arms hurts from…” _What is it called, again?_ “…that stupid thing.” Clarke nodded at her, moving her hand up along Lexa’s arm while squeezing gently and massaging up to her shoulder.

“You won’t need that thing by the time you’re out of here.” Clarke gave her a reassuring smile, watching as Lexa relaxed against the pillows.

Lexa nodded, having her now empty cup to Clarke who put it away. “Is it too early for a nap?” She stifled a yawn, covering her mouth with her free hand.

“Nope.” Clarke shook her head, Lexa needed sleep, she needed rest, the more the better. “Time isn’t real anyways. Close your eyes, I’ll get the lights.” She told her. “Then I’ll rub your shoulders till you fall asleep.”

“You’re the best.” Lexa smiled at her, looking at her with tired eyes, watching as Clarke made her way back to her. “I love you.”

Clarke stepped up by her, leaning in closer to kiss her on the lips. It was slow and gentle, her lips soft against Lexa’s, and it didn’t much more than a couple of seconds – Clarke didn’t really want her to be short of breath again. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yes. that was a nice chapter, not too much on the angst. hope y'all liked it. let me know what you thought.


	9. (not) Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery really isn't fun. Lexa is hit with the realization that given her injuries, she is disabled now. And she doesn't really want to accept that. There is a cute little moment though, where things are calm and it feels almost normal. But well, there seems to be more lows than highs and Lexa feels like it's all sick joke at this point. She was used to handling chaos and uncertainty and even staring death in the face. But now it was all...out of her control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its. kind of a heavy chapter. but like. isn't this entire fic heavy? i'm currently working through like. getting lexa out of the hospital. coz things are gonna be so different once she's home. and i have a few ideas jotted down for that that i can't wait to write.

“What’s it like to see me like this?” Lexa asked as she finally opened her eyes. It wasn’t a great morning; there were ups and downs, some days Lexa was doing good, other days quite the opposite and there wasn’t much pattern to it really. She had slept through the night, albeit being bothered by some nightmares and Clarke had sat next to her and held her hand and talked to her while she was still asleep, trying to soothe her. But she wasn’t feeling great when she had woken up, and it was…bad every time Lexa had to get her wounds cleaned and dressings changed. She didn’t like seeing it, she didn’t like seeing what her body looked like now, how much it didn’t look like _her_ anymore. A lot of the bruises had faded completely by now, the worse ones had faded too but were still visible. But everything else, every cut, every graze, every burn, they were all still very much visible.

“What are you talking about?” Clarke asked her, looking at her questioningly.

“Like this.” Lexa answered, her voice tired and resigned. “Marked and scarred and…broken.”

“You’re not broken.” Clarke told her immediately, shaking her head. “Hey,” She took Lexa’s hand, “Where is this coming from?” She watched her but Lexa didn’t reply, her voice was low, upset at Lexa’s tone. “Baby you’re okay.”

Lexa shook her head, pulling her lower lip between her teeth to hide the tremble. “I can’t even finish a…uh…finish a…” She stammered, shaking her head before taking a deep breath. Lexa pushed her hair away from her face with her free hand, it was still taking a lot of adjustment to get used to the missing fingers. “A sentence.” It was worse when she was upset. “And I mean…you’ve- you’ve seen wh-what my body…looks like.”

“You’ve been through a lot, Lexa.” Clarke started gently. “Yes, it upsets me.” Clarke admitted and this time Lexa looked at her. “It upsets me to see what you’ve been through, it upsets me to even think about it, to think about the pain you are in, the pain you _were_ in.” Clarke sighed, “And I couldn’t do anything,” She could feel her eyes stinging with tears, “I couldn’t find you, I couldn’t bring you home, I couldn’t keep you safe.” She looked down at her joined hands, her other hand coming up and trailing up along Lexa’s arm. “It upsets me because I can see how hurt you are but it doesn’t take away from the way I see you.” Clarke told her. “You’re still Lexa, you still incredible and strong and resilient an-”

“I’m not.” Lexa cut her off, shaking her head. “I’m not who I…was before this.” She leaned back against the pillows, closing her eyes for a moment and gathering herself, not wanting to get worked up.

“I know.” Clarke agreed, she’s been through a lot and Clarke knew Lexa wouldn’t just be her old self the moment she came back. “But you’re still _you_.” She reminded her. “Things are different now, I know, but you’re still you.” Clarke leaned down, kissing the back of Lexa’s hand before speaking again. “You’re still Lexa. You’re still the woman I love, the one I want to spend my entire life with, and that’s who you always will be to me.”

“So me…being like this,” Lexa started, looking at Clarke with sad eyes, “Doesn’t make you…want to uh…” This was an easy word, not even a long one, not an uncommon one either but it wasn’t coming. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, trying to concentrate and get it out. It was there, it was there in her head, on the tip of her tongue, but it just wasn’t coming out. Clarke was patient with this, it had been two weeks now and not once had Clarke been impatient or pushing her when she just…couldn’t speak. She didn’t finish Lexa’s sentences for her, and god, she was so grateful for that. Alie had yesterday, and it upset Lexa, she just…needed some time, she needed more time than usual and she just needed people to be patient with her. “Leave.” Lexa finally got it out, opening her eyes and looking at Clarke.

“Make me want to leave?” Clarke looked confused, repeating it to Lexa who nodded. “No, no,” She shook her head. “God, Lexa no.” Clarke told her. “Nothing would make me want to leave you.” She hadn’t noticed it but there were tears rolling down her cheeks at hearing Lexa thought that. “Baby I’m not leaving. I promise you, I’m here and I’m going to be here right by your side, no matter what.” She heard a sniffle from Lexa. “Lexa, listen to me,” She brought her eyes up, filled with tears as she looked at Clarke. “I need you to know that, okay? I’m not going to leave, no matter what. I love you, and I always will. No matter what is thrown our way, no matter what comes between us, I’m not going to leave you. I need you to know that.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment before nodding, “I know.” Her voice was just above a whisper. “But I need you to know,” She spoke slowly, taking her time and not wanting to stammer and stutter and lose her words again. “I’m never going to be…a hundred per-…perc…pe…” _Percent_ , okay that one was more difficult than _leave_ she could cut herself some slack for it. “I’m going to be…like this,” Lexa sighed instead. “Also my leg.” She added, “Maybe even my arm.” Her shoulder was healing really well, her range of motion was increasing and there was less pain now. But there was very little strength, and her hand trembled quite often – she could just about manage to pick up a spoon with it now.

“That doesn’t make you any less of who you are.” Clarke told her, shaking her head as she made small circles with her thumb on the back of Lexa’s hand. “Disabilities don’t-”

“I’m not disabled.” Lexa stopped her, her voice sounded almost irritated. There was a bite to it that Clarke hadn’t heard in a long time, it wasn’t something she had heard too many times actually.

“Lexa,” Clarke only sighed, her shoulders dropping at her reaction to the word.

“I’m not.” Lexa shook her head, upset and almost sounding hurt.

“Baby it’s okay.” Clarke squeezed her hand gently, “There’s nothing wrong with that word.”

“But I’m not disabled.” No, no, she wasn’t. Lexa was just injured; she had been held captive and tortured and she survived an explosion that killed two people without any medical attention. She was injured, that was it, some of it left her with some permanent…damage but that didn’t mean she was disabled. “Saying I am means I’m…” Lexa shook her head, she was upset, she was getting worked up and that meant it was harder to talk to. “Weak and…and broken.” Lexa brushed the tears away from her cheeks. “And un…unfixable.” She wasn’t looking at Clarke now, having given up on trying to dry her tears which were streaming down her face. “Like there’s something wr-wrong with me,”

“No, no Lexa, baby I’m so sorry.” Clarke apologized, “There’s nothing wrong with you, I don’t want you to think that. I don’t want you to feel like that.” She rushed the words out, wanting to take it back. Now wasn’t the time for it but it was true, Lexa did have disabilities now. Clarke could let it go though, for as long as Lexa needed till she was ready for this conversation. She had accepted her injuries, and Lexa had even accepted the things that were going to be permanent, that were going to affect her everyday life. Clarke watched Lexa, watching as she took in a deep breath and lean against her pillow. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” Clarke told her, “After everything you’ve been through, after all your injuries, Lexa you’re still you. And to me that’s no short of perfect.”

Clarke brought herself up, kissing Lexa’s cheek before sitting back down. Her eyes were closed, breathing steadying out as she relaxed again. They remained silent for a moment, a couple of long minutes passing before Lexa finally spoke, “I’m not ready for that convers-…” She sighed, looking at Clarke this time. “Uh…conversation.”

“Which one?” Clarke asked her.

“The disability one.” Lexa answered. “I can’t…I can’t accept that.” She shook her head. “Not yet I think.” She shrugged. “I don’t want to…think about that.”

Clarke nodded understandingly. “You don’t have to.” She told her quietly, “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to or don’t want to.”

* * *

There were some good things, Lexa was making progress with Alie, with her leg. Since a couple of days ago when Lexa had walked for the first time since getting back, Alie had left the walker in her room, asking her to use it instead of the wheelchair. It wasn’t like she was getting out of her bed much; really, it was only to get to the bathroom. But since then, Lexa had been out in the hallway with Alie almost every morning and a couple of days ago she had asked Lexa to try and get up more, move around more, even if it was just to the couch to get herself out of bed. She had also said Lexa could leave the room – as long as she wasn’t alone – down the hallway, maybe to the café if she wanted a change in scenery, it _was_ boring being stuck in one room after all.

Lexa was grateful for that actually, it was nice being out even if it was just around the floor she was on. The most exciting thing right now was the vending machine, even more so than the “café” (or excuse of really) on the second floor; the candy, chips, and soda were definitely more interesting. She was eating more, well snacking mostly, but that was good, after the seven months of not eating enough or drinking enough, Lexa was extremely underweight which only made her weaker. So two weeks later, Dr. Jackson was happy with the progress she was making, her weight was slowly going up, and that in turn meant she was physically getting stronger too.

Lexa was sitting at the cafeteria with Clarke, it was a little past ten right now but Lexa wasn’t sleepy, she had napped a little too much during the day. It was a nice change from her room, and Lexa preferred to be here at night rather than during the day, it was a lot quieter now. There was a paper cup in her hands, waiting for the hot chocolate to cool before she could drink it and Clarke was sitting across from her with a cup of green tea. There was an open packet of chocolate chip cookies between the two of them, neither of them talking and just taking in each other’s presence, and in this moment right now, Lexa felt…peaceful.

Clarke watched her for a moment, watched as Lexa picked up a cookie and broke it in half before dipping it into her hot chocolate. She couldn’t help but smile at her, things had been alright today, mostly calm and Lexa had been alright – there weren’t any downs so far today and Clarke was more than just a little glad about that. Lexa looked calm right now, her mind relaxed and at ease as she focused on nothing other than her cookie and the hot chocolate dripping down her fingers as she licked at it to keep it from running down her hand. Moments like this felt so normal, felt like everything was okay, everything was the way it was. And well, it made Clarke believe that things would be a lot better once Lexa was back home, back to the ordinary day-to-day, and that she would get better over time. Yes, Clarke knew there were some things that wouldn’t change but like she had said before, Lexa was still Lexa, and to her it was no short of perfect. All she wanted, was for Lexa to get better and heal at her own pace, find a new normal after everything that had happened.

“How’s the hot chocolate?” Clarke asked after a moment and Lexa looked up at her.

“Uh…sticky.” She answered, it had dripped down her fingers from the cookie. “But it’s hot,” Lexa shrugged, “And tastes like choc-ch…chocolate.” She added, the stammer was much more manageable when she was calm. “Can’t complain.” Clarke didn’t respond, only watched her in silence with a soft smile on her face. “What…?” Lexa asked her, a little confused.

Clarke shrugged, “Nothing.” She told her simply, “You look good, that’s all.”

Lexa shook her head slightly, going back to her drink, picking it up and taking a small sip. “That’s not the word I’d use.” Her tone was light, almost sarcastic as she gave Clarke a smile. _Good_ wasn’t the word she would use, _better_ maybe, but not good. She felt better, but Lexa knew how she looked right now and that was no short of a mess; her hair, her scars, the bandages. “I mean, the hospital gown isn’t very fl…” She paused for a moment, running the word through her mind as she took another sip of her drink before finally speaking, “Flattering.”

“I don’t know,” Clarke argued lightly, shrugging. “You make it work.”

.

They were back in Lexa’s room right now, about an hour later with a nurse changing the bandages on her left hand where she ended up spilling the remnants of the hot chocolate. It wasn’t Lexa’s fault, the tremors in her left hand were bad sometimes and well, it was this time. Everything was fine but as Lexa went to put the cup down, a tremor caused her to drop it instead. It upset her more than it should have, because everything felt normal tonight, things were _better_ , but suddenly it wasn’t. Suddenly Lexa was reminded that things weren’t normal, far from it, and that _she_ wasn’t normal right now. Clarke had gotten up from her seat, putting paper napkins on the spill to stop it from dripping off the table and onto Lexa, telling her that it was okay but Lexa just looked…upset.

“Lexa, it’s okay.” Clarke tried again once the nurse had left. “It’s not a big deal.” Her voice was soft and gentle, trying to comfort her as she laid in bed with her eyes closed.

“But it is.” Lexa replied, her voice was quiet and slow. “Everything was feeling like…it was…normal. I was feeling normal.” She turned her head on her pillow, looking at Clarke, more upset now. “But then _this_ hap-ha-h,” Lexa let out an annoyed sigh, she was upset so _of course_ it was harder to talk now.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Clarke held her hand, “Take your time.”

“And it just re-reminded me that I’m…” Lexa opened and closed her mouth, trying to get the words out, it was hard to calm down when she was upset. And well, the combination of being worked up _and_ upset didn’t really help. “I’m,” She got out, “…not normal.”

“That’s not true.” Clarke shook her head, her heart breaking a little at Lexa’s tone, the annoyance, the anger, the disappointment. “You are normal.” Lexa scoffed. “Baby, it was a tremor, it’s okay.” Clarke was noticing it more now, the way her mood changed so quickly, especially when it was to anger or frustration. She knew it wasn’t really Lexa’s fault, she used to be very good at keeping her emotions in check, but with the brain injury it was different now.

“There’re not going to uh go away.” Lexa’s voice was still the same, “It’s either ‘coz of my stu-pid fuc-king brain.” She shook her, the frustration and annoyance growing with every stammer. “Or the f-ucked up sho-…should…sh…Fuck!” Lexa yelled out instead, letting her head fall on the pillow as she looked up at the ceiling. Her chest was heaving, jaw clenched as tears stung the back of her eyes. “ _WHY IS THIS SO HARD!_ ”

Clarke only held her hand, not saying anything else, she didn’t hear Lexa scream very often; the _it’s okay_ didn’t do much, and she was almost certain Lexa was getting tired of hearing it. So she just sat there in silence, holding Lexa’s hand while her other hand stroked up and along her arm – it calmed her, it tended to the past few days anyways. It was hard to watch, hard to see her upset like this. A couple of moments passed, watching carefully when Clarke saw the tears escaping the corners of Lexa’s eyes. She leaned down, kissing the back of Lexa’s hand before slowly making her way up to the crook of her elbow, her lips soft and gentle against her skin.

But then there was a sudden change, Lexa’s lips trembling as she let out a sob, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to control her cries. “I got you,” That was all Clarke could say, her hand running along Lexa’s arm in an attempt to comfort her as she sat there watching her cry, watched the violent sobs make her body shudder, the cries escaping her lips.

“Is there anything I can do?” Clarke after what felt like forever, but it probably hadn’t been any longer than a couple of minutes. Lexa’s cries had died down, the sobs not as violent as they had been a moment ago, it sounded more like whimpers now, like she was in pain. “Are you hurting? Are you in pain?” She scanned her eyes over her fiancée, like she could find the source of it; she looked uncomfortable.

Lexa forced out a nod, screaming wasn’t good for her, neither was crying out loud like that. It put a lot of pressure on her body, especially her chest and lungs, and it was getting a little difficult to breathe. She didn’t need help with that anymore, Lexa didn’t need extra oxygen anymore and she hadn’t for about a week now. But right now it was difficult to breathe and it was _her fault_ because she just _had to_ scream and yell. “Chest,” She gasped out to Clarke, her eyes closed. “Hard to breathe.”

Clarke gave her a small nod, pressing on the help button, “Someone’s coming,” She told her, pressing a kiss to the inside of her forearm. “Just try to relax okay?” She tried, “Try to slow your breathing and calm down baby.”

Lexa nodded, trying to do as Clarke was saying, closing her eyes and focusing on the beating of her heart, on her breathing. She was a Special Ops Commander for god’s sakes, it shouldn’t be that hard to get her heartrate back under control. But this seemed more difficult than any warzone she had been in, it felt like she was more under control with a gun in her hands with the uncertainty of death than she was right now in this moment, safe and sound on a damn bed. She was always calm and collected, faced off against a group twice her one’s size and Lexa was still calm and more in control looking down the sight of her gun and directing her soldiers.

But now? Now it just felt like chaos, like _control_ was a word she didn’t even know, a small tremor in her hands led to all of this – _a tremor_ – a bullet didn’t even do that to her. It wasn’t like Lexa had never been shot at, it was just a miracle that in all her time in army, she was only shot twice and never anywhere too serious – just her arm and her stomach but it wasn’t even that deep, they both only required a few stitches. She had gotten shot at a few months ago, the one that grazed her arm, and all Lexa did was rip off the rest of the sleeve on her uniform and kept going. But now. A tremor in her hand. A _fucking tremor_ had her crying and screaming and out of breath.

If this wasn’t _funny_ , Lexa didn’t know what was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa's got brain damage and a bad leg and a wonky shoulder but she really doesn't like having the word disabled used for herself. its. not her being ableist or anything like that because i feel like i'm gonna get comments saying that. its more of. realizing the seriousness of her situation and her injuries. and like. all the other things that come with being disabled. and lexa doesn't like that. i mean, no one would. it doesn't mean someone is broken and unfixable or any of that. but in this moment, that's how she feels.


	10. Setback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks at the hospital and Lexa was finally meant to leave, finally meant to get discharged. But things rarely seem to go right for her. So it kind of feels like a step back, like she's not getting better. And what makes it worse that it's Christmas Eve, and Lexa was really really really hoping to not have to spend Christmas at the hospital. We also get a look at what Lexa's particularly bad nightmares make her feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i almost didn't have a chapter for today. i got so caught up with the teen preg au that i hadn't gotten the chance to write this one. i was almost certain that i wouldn't have an update for today but hey managed it. i kinda just finished writing this chapter and its like 5am so oof i'm sorry if its not the best one. i'm trying to move things along and out of the hospital. so the next chapter will be lexa discharged and not in the hospital anymore. i have a lot planned for after she's back home so i'm really looking forward to writing that.

It had been a long, worrying, and downright stressful 24 hours as Clarke walked down the unfamiliar hallways of the third floor, making her way to the ICU. Yeah, the ICU. Actually it was a little over 24 hours, closer to 30; thirty of the worst hours Clarke has spent since the Lexa went missing. It was fine, everything was going fine, Lexa was getting better, she was getting ready to get discharged even. She was meant to leave today actually, Christmas Eve, they were going to spend Christmas at the hotel Clarke was technically staying at, and then the day after they were going to go back home.

But then it all changed. Everything just went wrong. Lexa was fine, everything was going alright but then the next moment she couldn’t breathe, she was wheezing, coughing up blood and Clarke didn’t know what to make up of it. She had pressed the help button, more times than necessary out of panic, talking to Lexa and trying to tell her everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t breathe, her heart rate was spiking and the machines around her weren’t beeping in that reassuring way they had been the past couple of weeks. Then suddenly Dr. Jackson was rushing into the room and a nurse was pushing her out.

Clarke couldn’t do anything but just wait. There was a glass window on the door to Lexa’s room and she could just barely make out what was happening inside. But whatever it was, it wasn’t good. She could see them putting Lexa’s bed down flat, giving her an oxygen mask to help her breathe as someone else drew blood. And Clarke just…she just wanted to know what was wrong and what was happening and when Lexa was going to be okay. But then she saw Lexa struggling on the bed, her body moving and stirring and almost like she was trying to get up. One of the nurses was trying to calm her down, Lexa speaking to Dr. Jackson and all Clarke could see was the distressed look on her face.

She wanted to go back in there, comfort Lexa because it looked like she was going to cry, she looked upset and it still looked like she couldn’t catch her breath. So Clarke did the only thing she could, she waited, she stood there and waited, pacing the couple of feet outside the room as she waited for Dr. Jackson to come out and tell her what had happened.

It was something called acute pulmonary edema and Clarke didn’t really know what that meant. And maybe it would’ve been better that way because when Jackson explained, Clarke was very close to losing it. Lexa couldn’t breathe, her lungs were filling with fluid and that’s why she had been wheezing and coughing up blood. It would be okay though, they had gotten to her quickly but right now the oxygen level in her blood was low and there was too much pressure in her lungs to breathe and get the oxygen in. it was bad, simply put, it was bad. They had put Lexa on a ventilator, letting it do the breathing for her and that’s why she was in the ICU right now. Dr. Jackson had said it was only until they got the fluid under control but that could be a little while. It would all depend on how her body responded to the medication – which they were still waiting to give her because they needed the blood test results back before they knew how much of what she needed.

So Clarke was walking to the ICU right now, she had spent a sleepless night at her hotel – the first night she had spent there since getting to DC. Well, Clarke had gone down there a few times; to change, take a shower, but it was never for longer than an hour. The ICU had visiting hours, and Clarke really had no choice but to leave – well, she considered sticking around, sleeping on the couch in Lexa’s room because they were sure she’d be back there in a day or two. And Clarke could really use the time away from here, she was panicking and worked up about Lexa; she had seen her before leaving, she had stayed there for a while too. But it was just really hard seeing her like that, seeing a machine having to breathe for her. But they had gotten Lexa started on the drugs, and were hoping it to get to work soon.

“Miss Griffin,” Dr. Jackson stopped in his tracks a few feet away from Clarke. “I was just going to call you.”

Clarke froze at that, her blood running cold as every single scenario flashed through her head. Why would Jackson be going to call her? Was something wrong? Was Lexa okay? Did something happen? “Wh-why?” She forced the word out, “Is everything okay?”

Jackson nodded, “Commander Woods is awake.”

“She’s awake?!”

He nodded again, “Yeah, she’s taking well to the new drugs.” He told her. “Her oxygen levels are consistently going up. She’ll be out of the ICU by the end of the day.”

Good. Yes, that was good. That was good news. Clarke thanked him, before taking off and towards the ICU. Dr. Jackson had given her the directions for Lexa’s bed; in through the door, turn right, and then keep going till she saw Lexa.

“Hey baby,” Clarke said quietly as she walked up to Lexa’s bed, watching as she rubbed her eyes and yawn before glancing up at her. “How are you feeling?”

Lexa only shrugged, her eyes not meeting Clarke’s. She looked defeated and deflated and completely exhausted. She didn’t have it in her to speak, well, she didn’t really want to talk about what happened – Lexa couldn’t without getting upset. Not only that, but her throat hurt from the ventilator tube too much to talk. “I don’t wanna talk.” She muttered quietly, closing her eyes and hiding the tremor in her lower lip by pulling it between her teeth. Her voice was hoarse, throat burning from just that small sentence. Maybe it would help to drink more than just one sip of water, but it hurt too much to swallow.

“Okay,” Clarke said with a small nod, waiting by the side of Lexa’s bed before glancing at the chair next to her. “Do you want to be alone or can I stay?” She asked her quietly, her voice soft, wanting Lexa to know that it was okay no matter which one she wanted.

“Stay.” Lexa answered, her voice only a whisper as she opened her eyes.

Clarke sat down next to the bed, taking Lexa’s offered hand and pressing a small kiss to it. She didn’t say anything, only watched Lexa close her eyes and relax into her pillow. The constant rise and fall of her chest was more comforting than Clarke thought it could ever be, and the machines next to her beeping steadily, reminding her Lexa was okay – Clarke needed that, she needed the reminder after yesterday. Things could have gone so wrong, she could have lost her, again. But she was okay. Lexa was okay, coming back from what felt like the jaws of death yet again and all Clarke wanted to do was make sure something like that wouldn’t happen again.

“Commander?” A nurse approached her a few minutes later, walking over to check on her.

It took her a moment to register someone was calling to her, her brain foggy from all the drugs they had her on, making her reactions slower than they already were. Lexa gave the nurse a questioning look, waiting for her to explain why she was here.

She walked over to check on Lexa’s IV drip. “How are you feeling, Comman-?”

“Stop,” Lexa shook her head, interrupting the other woman. “I’m not,” She took a small breath, taking a moment to prepare herself to speak, she didn’t want to stumble on her words. Especially this word. “Commander anymore.” It came out slowly, her voice measured and quiet. “Just Lexa.” She told her.

Clarke watched her wordlessly as the nurse looked over her drip and the drugs. There was something in the way Lexa said it, there was something in her voice, in her eyes that made Clarke’s heart hurt for her. She sounded disappointed and upset and…small. Her title meant a lot to her, her job meant a lot to her. Lexa had given so much to her job and now to have it… _gone_ was, understandably, upsetting. She hadn’t even talked to anyone from work yet; Clarke had gotten phone calls from much higher ranking officers, asking about Lexa, asking about how she was and whether or not she was up for chat. She wasn’t, Lexa kept saying no, that she wasn’t ready for it, that she didn’t want to; and more recently, saying she had no reason to talk to them, she didn’t work for them anymore.

Clarke could see how upset she was about it all. And it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Lexa didn’t want to see anyone because it would only remind her of what she had lost, and the future she wouldn’t have – career-wise. Lexa was proud of what she did, she loved it with fiber of her being, and it showed in the way her superiors talked about her, showed in the ribbons and medals she already had on her uniform. And now, to Lexa, it was all gone; everything she did would never go away, all the good she had done, everything she had achieved – she could still go by Commander if she wanted to – none of that would ever go away.

.

“Lexa?”

She was back in her room now, a little past 2pm with Clarke sitting on the chair by Lexa’s side and watching her worryingly. She hadn’t said much, or at all really since she got back from the ICU. Lexa was upset, she was tired and…a little disappointed and angry at what had happened. Because it seemed like she was getting better, things were getting better, she was supposed to leave soon and now…it felt like everything was back to square one. What happened last night was unexpected, and it was bad, and it could have been a lot worse too. Some of the nurses and the doctor on rounds in the ICU had said she got lucky, but it really didn’t feel like that. _Yeah, I’m so fucking lucky_.

Dr. Jackson was here now, he had been for at least ten minutes, talking to Lexa, checking her vitals, her charts, asking Clarke about her. But Lexa wasn’t really paying attention much less responding. To her, it didn’t seem like it was important enough – what happened, happened, so what was the point in going over it now? He was probably saying something important but if it was something she’d need to know later, Lexa figured Clarke would remember it.

“Lex,” Clarke’s voice brought her out of her thoughts, blinking and turning to look at her questioningly. “Are you okay?” She asked her.

Lexa nodded, looking around, noticing that Dr. Jackson was gone. She hadn’t even noticed. “Where’s doc?” She asked Clarke, speaking for the first time since being back in her room.

“He left a couple of minutes ago.” Clarke answered, a worried look coming on her face as she watched Lexa. “Are you okay?” She asked her again, Lexa looked out of it, like she wasn’t even here at all.

“Fine.” Lexa nodded. She was on a steady drip of morphine since this morning for her chest pain. They had said it would subside eventually on its own but for now it was quite bad and Lexa needed the painkillers. She hated it though, she hated how it made her feel, how foggy her mind was and how she just wanted to go back to sleep. “I thought I was getting better.” Lexa spoke after a beat of silence, her voice quiet and just about audible. She wasn’t looking at Clarke, her eyes down on her hands clasped together on her lap. Clarke didn’t say anything, only reached forward and took Lexa’s hand gently, encouraging her to continue. “I was supposed to get discharged today.” Lexa shook her head, closing her eyes and leaning back into the pillows.

“Soon baby.” Clarke tried. “No one could have seen this coming. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”

Lexa brought her hand up, rubbing her eyes before letting out a sigh. She was upset, she was really upset and kind of pissed off too. It was Christmas Eve, and as someone who really enjoyed Christmas and looked forward to it, Lexa was hoping to at least not be in the hospital for it. “Great way to spend Christmas Eve.” She muttered quietly.

Clarke’s heart broke at the tone of her voice, “We’ll be home soon, okay?”

“Not soon enough.” Maybe she was getting a little annoyed. After spending seven months in captivity, Lexa just wanted to be home, she wanted to be in _her_ bed or on _her_ couch or in _her_ room. “I’m sick of being here, Clarke.” Lexa admitted, her eyes cast down. “I’m sick of…being away from home…” She shook her head. “And with it being Chri-…ch- Christ-” Lexa let out a groan, “Fuck this.” She was irritated and the frustration was only growing, not being able to talk didn’t help either, especially when the word was something as common as _fucking Christmas_. Lexa let her head fall in her hands, shaking it for a moment before trying to come up with something to say. But all that came out was a shaky sigh, muffled by her hands as Lexa tried to block out everything else around her. It was too much. Everything was too overwhelming.

Clarke only watched her in silence, at first it looked like Lexa had just gone quiet, not wanting to speak. So Clarke was letting her take her time, she didn’t have to talk unless she wanted to. But then her breathing started to pick up, the rise and fall of her back quickening, and her breaths coming out in rasps. She was working her way to a panic attack and Clarke pushed herself off the chair to sit down next to her. “Lexa, Lexa, hey listen to me.” Clarke tried, she needed to get her breathing under control, especially after yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t cause anything bad right now, but it was going to make the pain she was already in worse.

“I’m just…so, fucking, tired.” Lexa gasped out between breaths, shaking her head as she finally felt a hand on her back. “It’s all too much.”

“It’s okay.” Clarke tried, rubbing her hand over Lexa’s back. “For now just breathe okay?” She told her. “In and out, nice and slow Lex.” Lexa was trying, but it wasn’t working much. “Lexa, listen to me okay?” Clarke spoke gently. “Breathe in when I move my hand up, and out when I move it down.” Lexa nodded, doing as asked as Clarke moved her hand up along her spine and then slowly back down. “That’s it, baby,” Clarke told her, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “Keep going.”

A long couple of minutes passed before Lexa finally had her breathing back under control, bringing her hand up and clutching at her chest. It hurt, it hurt a lot but it was a different pain to yesterday and that was enough to not worry her that something was going to go wrong again. It was a soreness, an ache flaring through her chest. “Nothing makes sense anymore,” Lexa muttered, bringing her face up before leaning her head against Clarke’s shoulder. “And I can’t cope with it.” Her words came out slowly, her arms coming up as she hugged herself. “Nothing makes…sense.” She shook her head, Clarke’s arm coming up over Lexa’s shoulder. “I have no control.”

“You’re okay.” Clarke tried to keep her calm, noticing the way Lexa’s voice was picking up. “Things are so different I know, but it will get better.”

Lexa only scoffed. “I was falling into like…a new normal…some sort of uh routine.” Clarke seemed to be very good at calming her down, even now, even when Lexa couldn’t make sense of how quickly her emotions changed. “Then it all got…” Her mind seemed to go blank, losing her train of thought. “I don’t know.” She shrugged lightly, letting Clarke hug her and bring her closer. “At least you’re still here.” Lexa pressed her face into Clarke, breathing her in. “Only thing that makes sense.” Lexa took a deep breath, shaking her head slightly, “I’m just tired Clarke.”

.

Clarke spent most of the past night doing her best to make Lexa’s room a bit more festive. They weren’t meant to spend Christmas at the hospital, they were meant to spend it at the hospital before flying home the next day. The little bit of time Clarke had spent at the hotel room, she had done her best to decorate it slightly, so it would at least feel like Christmas. So tonight, Clarke was taking down the little bit of Christmas she had managed to get up there and bringing it down to the hospital room instead; it wasn’t like there would be any stores open late on Christmas Eve that still had decorations for sale. It wasn’t much, but it was still something, and Clarke hoped that it would be enough to make Lexa feel a little bit better when she woke up.

But it was anything but when she woke up. Lexa woke up in a terrible mood; crying and trembling and breathing rapidly, and Clarke could only presume it was because of a nightmare. Given the past two weeks, Clarke had enough experience with this to know how to help or at least calm Lexa down slightly. There were somethings she knew that helped; sitting next to her, holding her hand, drawing mindless patterns on her arm with her fingers, talking to her, just anything that would ground her to reality. But this morning, the moment Clarke had stepped up to her, Lexa pushed her away, panic evident in her eyes as she practically begged Clarke to not touch her.

“Lexa,” Clarke started softly, “Baby it’s me,” She tried, standing a couple of feet away from Lexa, giving her the space she was asking for. She wasn’t looking at Clarke, her hands covering her face as she tried to block out whatever was bothering her. “It’s Clarke.”

“ _SHUT UP!_ ” Lexa yelled out, still not uncovering her eyes.

Clarke couldn’t help but flinch at the tone and volume of Lexa’s voice and let out a sharp breath before trying to speak again. “Lex,” She started again, her voice gentle and calm; it seemed like Lexa was still stuck in whatever nightmare she had been having before waking up. “You’re oka-”

“ _Stop it!_ ” Her voice rang out, echoing off of the walls as Lexa finally brought her hands away to look at Clarke. “Fuck, stop m-mes-messing with m-my head-d.” She did her best to keep her voice loud and affirmative, but the stammering made her falter.

Clarke reached forward, immediately withdrawing however at noticing the way Lexa retreated into the bed and away from Clarke. “No one is messing with your head,” She said instead, doing her best to stay calm and keep her expression free of the panic in her head. There had been times in the past couple of weeks where Lexa had woken up from a nightmare but still being stuck there immediately after. But it usually didn’t take much to convince her that wasn’t real; not much more than _you’re okay_ , _it was just a dream_ , or _you’re safe now_. It didn’t fix everything, but it was a start.

“You’re not real.” Lexa shook her head, sitting up this time and pulling her knees up to her chest despite the pain in her body protesting her movements.

“I’m real.” Clarke tried. “That was all just a dream Lex, you’re saf-“

“I’m not!” Lexa yelled again, her voice cracking this time. It made Clarke’s heart break for her; she wanted to do something, anything to make her feel safe. “None of this…is real m-my head’s messing-…with me.”

“No no, Lexa no” Clarke tried again. “Listen, you’re back home now, you’re not in Cyprus.” Lexa was looking at her now but she didn’t look convinced, she looked hurt and suspicious of everything coming out of Clarke’s mouth. “We’re in DC, at a hospital. You’re safe.”

Lexa finally looked around at what Clarke was saying, still not entirely believing her eyes. That had felt too real, whatever she was seeing before she woke up felt too real and Lexa wasn’t too sure which was and wasn’t real at this point. She had been in captivity long enough, she had been tortured long enough, and interrogated long enough with despicably inhuman methods. How could she even trust herself to know where she was when she couldn’t tell what was real right now? She might as well be in her cell seeing things, seeing Clarke, hearing her voice. Maybe she finally lost it, or maybe this was just her mind coping with the horrors she was facing.

“You’re home.” Clarke spoke quietly. “That was just a bad dream baby, I promise.”

“I don’t know what’s real.” Lexa finally admitted, eyes filling with tears.

“This is real. Where you are right now is real.” Clarke assured her. “Whatever you were reliving in your sleep was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real.”

“Are you real?” Lexa asked her, voice quiet and uncertain this time. This wasn’t the first time a nightmare had made her lose her grip with reality; triggers seemed to do that too sometimes but so far, it hadn’t been as bad as today. Not for a while, not since the first few days she was here.

“Yes baby,” Clarke nodded immediately. “And so is this room and this bed and the pillows and the blankets. All of it, this is real.” Clarke told her. “Can I come closer?” Dr. Jackson had gotten Clarke set up with one of the resident psychiatrists, someone she could talk to to learn ways to not only help Lexa but also so that Clarke would have someone she could talk to about herself. It hadn’t been easy and Clarke was dealing with quite a lot too - it wasn’t easy seeing Lexa suffering like this, and it wasn’t easy coping with it all on her own either. So this had been helping; Clarke has been managing to get her feelings out and talk to someone about it, albeit briefly because right now her main concern was Lexa. It still helped make her feel a lot lighter, like there was someone she could turn to to talk but also someone who could give her advice on helping Lexa.

This was something Clarke had talked about, how her triggers or nightmares made her spiral into some sort of episode where it felt like she was stuck in the past and couldn’t really differentiate between that and reality – even if it was just briefly. So she had picked up some helpful tools to help with situations like this, the main one being grounding Lexa to reality - touching her, holding her, offering some sort of tangible contact with the present. “Can I touch you?” Clarke asked her, still rooted to her spot until Lexa told her otherwise, she didn’t want to push her away, it seemed like she was just started to open up since waking up. But Lexa only shook her head no. “That’s okay.” Clarke assured her. “Look around okay?” She started instead. “Make a list of the things you can see around you.” Clarke waited as Lexa looked around, doing as asked, taking in parts of the room. “Name me five things.”

“You,” Lexa started. “The couch, water bottle,” She counted on her fingers as she listed them. “Door, windows.”

Clarke smiled at her. “Is it the same as the things you were seeing before you woke up? In your nightmare?” The answer was always no, and it was this time too as Lexa shook her head. “Good. Now pay closer attention okay?” She took a tentative step closer to Lexa’s bed, half a step, she didn’t want to spook Lexa. “What can you hear?” Clarke asked her, pausing to let Lexa do as asked. “Can you name me three things you can hear?”

“Machines.” She nodded next to her at the heart monitor. “Birds outside.” Lexa looked a little confused at that. “There were no birds there.” Clarke nodded at her. “I didn’t even remember what birds sounded like.” Lexa admitted, beginning to visibly relax as she let out a shaky sigh. It was things like this that helped her differentiate her nightmares from the real world after waking up. If this was the dream, there would be no birds, it’s not something she could even remember. Last time it had been the smells, the smell of the hospital cleaning supplies that made her realize. “Fuck,” Lexa breathed out, looking away from Clarke as she shook her head. “I hate this,” She said quietly. It wasn’t her fault, not in anyway. The nightmares felt real, very very real, and it didn’t help that her brain was still half asleep when she woke up from it. It made it harder to process things.

“It’s okay,” Clarke have her a soft smile. “Can I come closer?”

This time Lexa nodded, “Hold me?”

“Of course baby,” Clarke made her way to her, kicking off her shoes before moving into the bed next to Lexa. She kept her movements small and slow, she didn’t want to do anything to startle Lexa. “Is this okay?” She asked once she was settled in next to her, an arm around Lexa’s shoulder as Lexa placed her head on Clarke’s chest. Lexa nodded, snuggling her face further against Clarke, taking a deep breath and letting Clarke’s scent soothe her. “I got you baby.” Clarke tried, sighing as she kissed the top of her head. “You’re okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i may have not proof read this and edited this chapter. so i'm sorry about the mistakes. but hey, if you haven't read my teen preg au, Unexpected, you definitely should. and if you have been reading it, tomorrow's chapter is gonna be Great and y'all are not ready. anyways, thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought.


	11. Discharged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally. Lexa is finally getting discharged from the hospital. She can't really wait to get out of here but they're not going back home for a few days but just waiting at the hotel. But that brings up a few new things - the thought of having to find a new normal, accepting the fact that she's going to need help with mundane things. Lexa doesn't like needing help, she never has. And this isn't easy to accept. This chapter is a little stressful, it's a little sad, but it's also a little hopeful that maybe things can be okay again, or at least they can be a new okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter in less than 24 hrs??? i started it yesterday at 6am (without any sleep i had been awake all night) coz i forgot and got roped into unexpected. i thought i'd barely hit 3k but i got it to 3.4 so woohoo go me. its done. its been edited. and i'm happy with it. working on getting lexa back home coz i have more material for that. also this chapter is a few days after xmas, december 28 to be exact.

She was finally leaving today. Finally getting out of the hospital. The last few days hadn’t been great, not emotionally anyways. Physically, Lexa was doing better – just about good enough to get discharged according to her. Her lungs were okay, she was breathing just fine on her own now, but other than her shoulder, there wasn’t much else on the positive side.

There was progress, yes, like Lexa could walk now without the walker but just a crutch on one side. Her leg still hurt, there were still those random _episodes_ of pain where it hurt too much to even move without the painkillers. Dr. Jackson had gotten her off the morphine a few days ago, replaced it with fast-acting fentanyl tablets instead – Lexa wasn’t too keen on staying on the morphine, saying she didn’t like how it made her feel and although technically there wasn’t much difference in terms of side effects with the fentanyl, they were hoping it would make her feel better than the morphine.

Her head wasn’t doing much better. It seemed like more of the side effects were showing more prominently now. Namely how easily Lexa got frustrated and upset, but well, some days were worse than others. There wasn’t much that could help with that for now, Dr. Jackson had recommended seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist when she was up for it – it would help her cope with the side effects of the brain damage and everything she had been through. But Lexa wasn’t ready for that, not yet, she didn’t want to talk about all of that just yet.

“Ready to go, babe?” Clarke asked as she stepped into the hospital room; she had left about half an hour ago to the get Lexa some clothes from the hotel room. No, Clarke did not remember to pack for Lexa before she left Seattle. About a week before Lexa was originally meant to be discharged, she ordered some clothes online for her instead and had them delivered to the hotel. It wasn’t much, just enough things to keep her going till they got home.

Lexa nodded as she looked at Clarke, “Ready.” She couldn’t wait to leave, to get out of here and finally go home. Okay well, she wasn’t going home right away. Clarke had tried to get flights back as soon as possible but there was nothing till New Year’s Day. So, they were spending a couple of days at the hotel Clarke had been set up in. Lexa didn’t mind too much, she just wanted to be out of the hospital.

“Can I help you?” Clarke asked carefully, approaching the bed where Lexa was sitting and sat down the small bag of clothes on the floor. “Is that okay?”

Lexa only nodded. She didn’t like the idea of needing help with everything, and this was something relatively simple – getting dressed. But right now, she knew she needed it. Her mobility wasn’t at a hundred percent yet - not that it ever will be, but her body was a little too stiff and still sore to move around much. It wasn’t something Lexa could accept, that she needed help, and that would continue to need help. But at least Clarke didn’t make it awkward or make her feel helpless, she always made sure to ask Lexa without just assuming she would need her.

“Alright, let’s get you out of this first.” Clarke came to stand in front of Lexa who was sitting with her legs hanging of the side of the bed. She held out her hands for Lexa to take before helping her stand up and settle on her feet. “You good?” Clarke asked, watching as Lexa balanced herself. “Do you want the crutch?”

“No, I’m okay.” Lexa told her. It had been a good morning so far, just knowing she was getting discharged today was enough to put Lexa in a better mood than the last few days. “I can stand.”

“Okay,” Clarke gave her a smile, kissing her cheek before helping her turn around so Clarke could reach the gown’s ties on Lexa’s back. “I’m gonna take this off, okay?” She asked Lexa, just to make sure she was okay with being exposed right now. Some times were harder than other to see herself naked, to see all the marks on her body and other times it wasn’t. And Clarke just wanted to give her a heads up before removing the gown. Once Lexa nodded in agreement, Clarke undid the ties and Lexa pulled it off her front, letting it fall on the floor beneath her.

She could see the way Lexa stiffened as the clothing fell, exposing her body. “Are you okay?” Clarke asked her, standing behind Lexa. Lexa nodded, not saying anything as she felt Clarke press a kiss to her shoulder before moving away.

“Okay so I got you some fleece lined sweatpants.” Clarke said as she dug through the bag pulling out a pair of underwear and the pants she had just mentioned. “They’re warm and comfy and easier to put on than jeans.” Clarke turned back to Lexa, she had seen her enough times without her hospital gown on now to be used to the scars and marks. It didn’t upset her any less, but it wasn’t as shocking now to see it, she knew what to expect. “Alright hold onto my shoulder.” Clarke told her casually as she knelt down to help Lexa into the underwear.

She hated this. Lexa hated this so much. Her fiancée was literally having to dress her like a helpless child, putting her underwear on for her while she held onto her shoulder for balance because right now Lexa wasn’t capable of doing that herself without falling over. But she did as asked, there was no point in stalling, especially when she was standing here completely naked. So Lexa placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder, keeping herself steady as she let Clarke help her into the boyshorts – Lexa’s preferred cut of underwear.

Clarke could feel the stiffness in Lexa’s movements, the sadness in her eyes as she let her help. It wasn’t easy, Clarke knew that and she also knew Lexa would need help with things like this for at least a little while after leaving the hospital. But she knew how Lexa felt about it. So Clarke did her best to make her feel comfortable, make her feel less like a burden that she believed she was, she did her best to let Lexa be in control. Once the sweatpants were on, Clarke motioned her to sit down as she went back to retrieve the T-shirt and hoodie.

“Hey?” Clarke asked as she came to stand in front of her. “Are you okay?”

“As okay as I can be.” Lexa answered quietly.

“I’m sorry baby.” Clarke let out a sigh, sitting down next to her. “I know this isn’t easy and it’s not how you want things to be.”

“No, it’s not” Lexa let out a long breath. “But well, nothing I can do about it.” She spoke slowly, taking her time as to not stammer. She turned her head this time, looking at Clarke with eyes that almost looked guilty. “I’m sorry.” She apologized.

“For what?”

“For all of this.” Lexa replied. “I don’t think helping your fiancée put on _underwear_ was what you had in mind when you asked me to marry you.”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed, scooting closer to her. “No no, you don’t have to apologize for this okay?” She told her. “I know you don’t like needing help, but I promise you, you’re not being a burden on me by needing it.” Clarke knew that’s what Lexa was thinking, she had mentioned it multiple times already. “I’m here for you okay?” Lexa only sighed, leaning her head against Clarke’s shoulder. “After everything you’ve been through Lex...this is...this is nothing, okay? It’s nothing too much for me.” She paused for a moment, wanting Lexa to listen to her and hear what she was saying. “God, given the extent of your injuries, you’re doing so so well baby. And I see you getting better every day.” She told her. “It’s okay to need help, you’re healing, you’re getting better.”

“I’m going to need help with the m-most basic things for a…long time.” Lexa told her reluctantly.

“And that’s also okay.” Clarke replied. “Just remember that the extent of the help you need won’t always be the same.” She reminded her. “The first couple of days, you couldn’t pick up a spoon, remember? And you needed help to eat.” Lexa nodded reluctantly. “But you’re doing that on your own now and so much more. Your arm and your grip are so much stronger now. You can even pick up full bottles or drinks now.” Clarke turned her head, placing a kiss on Lexa’s hair. “You’re getting better is my point. You won’t need as much help as you do now forever, okay?”

“Yeah but you’re having to-”

“Nope,” Clarke stopped her, shaking her head. “I’m not having to do anything.” This wasn’t the first time she had told Lexa this. “I love you. You’re my partner. I want to help.” She reminded her again, as she had so many times already. “It’s not inconvenient. It’s not work. It’s not a burden. It’s helping the love of my life get back control of her life after being put through hell.” She nudged Lexa’s shoulder, asking her to look at her. “Okay?” Clarke asked her.

“Okay.” Lexa’s voice was a whisper, finally agreeing with Clarke.

“Now come on,” Clarke said as she moved to get up. “You’re gonna get cold.” She got up and stepped away to where the rest of Lexa’s clothes were. “Do you want the bra or just the t-shirt?” Clarke asked, holding the sports bra up for Lexa to see. She preferred them over regular bras, it was more comfortable and allowed better mobility; especially now it was a lot more ideal than regular bras.

“Just the t-shirt.” Lexa told her. “I don’t feel like uhh…” She trailed off for a moment, “Wrestling into that.” She told Clarke lightly with a small smile. “Too much work.”

Clarke nodded, putting it back in the bag and picking up the plain black t-shirt instead. “Here,” She helped Lexa’s arms into it before helping her get it over her head. Clarke moved slowly, not wanting to move Lexa’s arms too much in case she hurt her shoulder.

Just as Lexa was finished getting dressed, there was a short knock on the door followed by Dr. Jackson stepping inside. He had a plain file tucked under his arm while holding a clipboard. There was a white paper bag in his other hand, presumably with Lexa’s medications. He had asked yesterday if she would just want the prescriptions to pick it up herself later, or get it from the hospital before leaving and getting it from here sounded a lot more convenient.

He went over them with Lexa and Clarke; the painkillers, the antibiotics, and the sleeping pills. The only one she needed regularly were the antibiotics but that was only for another week, the rest were whenever Lexa felt like she needed it – the painkillers were for when her leg was acting up, and the sleeping pills for restless nights. Dr. Jackson had recommended over the counter painkillers for other pains and aches, namely headaches which seemed to be common now. There were also some bandages and alcohol wipes, most of Lexa’s cuts had healed but the surgery incisions would take another two to four weeks, so she would need to keep that clean, changing the bandages often. Almost all the stitches had dissolved and by now much like the rest of her cuts and grazes; but there was still a patch on her back where the skin had come off that was still healing so that would need some attention too. Dr. Jackson also recommended a scar cream for Lexa’s burn scars – as well as the numerous other ones, but he knew she was most self-conscious about the burn ones.

Once all the paperwork had been filled out and signed, and once Lexa had all the documents she would need, her and Clarke said goodbye to Dr. Jackson, thanked him for everything the past month and finally walked out of the room Lexa had spent most of her time in. Clarke had put Lexa’s file and medicines into the bag she had brought for the clothes and it was now slung over her shoulder while the other hand went on Lexa’s back to give her a little extra support without making it seem too obvious. Using the crutch was little tricky, it offered more support than a walking cane but even with that, she would have the same problem. Lexa needed it on the opposite side of her bad leg, so she would need to hold it on her left side. But that was her bad shoulder. It wasn’t too bad now, but every now and then, it did act up, and putting too much pressure on it felt uncomfortable.

.

“You good, Lex?” Clarke asked as the taxi started. Lexa looked a little uneasy. “It’ll only be a few minutes.” The hotel was about fifteen minutes away, might be even less now given how clear the roads were – she made it in ten earlier today.

“Hmm,” Lexa nodded, but maybe, just _maybe_ , she was starting to panic a little bit. It was the seatbelt, it was being _restrained_ and having something holding her down again. Yes, this was different, she was actually the one who had put the seatbelt on and Lexa had the power to take it off, she was in control. “I’m fine.”

Clarke watched her carefully, not saying anything as she reached for Lexa’s hand and took it. It didn’t seem like Lexa wanted to talk right now, but it was clear that something was bothering her. Clarke let it go, held her hand and made small circles on the back of her hand to soothe her for the remainder of their journey. They didn’t speak much, Clarke watching Lexa with a worried look for a few minutes before her fiancée turned her head to look outside. It was a typical winter day in DC, it had snowed throughout the night but had eased down now. The city looked beautiful, Lexa couldn’t help but relaxed as she let her eyes take in the scenery, forgetting about the memories the seat belt had brought up. Although it was gray and gloomy, and the clouds in the sky said it was either going to rain or snow soon again later today, Lexa couldn’t help but feel a sense of peace at just being…outside. Her hospital room had had a window, a big one with a clear view of the city beneath her but it wasn’t the same as being outside herself.

Reaching their destination, Clarke was the first to get out before opening the door for Lexa and helping her out. Lexa was more accepting of help now, Clarke never made a big deal of it anyways, she never has since the day Lexa got back. But Lexa had been hesitant and refused to accept help let alone ask for it. So she was doing better with it now; it happened naturally, Clarke would give her hand to her and Lexa would take it without a second thought, or she’d place her hand on Lexa’s back and let her lean back without making a big deal out of it. They were starting to develop a system that worked for Lexa.

Once out of the cab, Lexa stood by the entrance of the hotel as Clarke grabbed the bag and paid the driver, looking around her and just taking in the fresh air. Turning back around, Clarke gave Lexa an exasperated look, “God, go inside you’re gonna catch a cold.” She told her, rushing to her side before practically pushing her towards the door. Lexa was only wearing a hoodie, a jacket right now was too much work and a little too heavy to put on her shoulders. But she wouldn’t be outside long, the taxi had been warm and the hotel lobby was too, so it was fine.

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her at the playfulness of Clarke’s actions. She let out a small laugh, catching Clarke by surprise as she grabbed Lexa by the waist and turned her around before pushing her towards the door. “I’m fine, I’m not cold.” Lexa tried to tell her as the automatic doors slid open.

“You’re only wearing a hoodie, you idiot.” Clarke couldn’t help but smile back at the lightness of her tone and the spark in her eyes. God, Lexa really had been stuck inside for months now, Clarke couldn’t imagine what it was like to finally be outside now. “I’m not having you get sick.”

Lexa only rolled her eyes, letting Clarke lead her inside and towards the elevator. “Do you have a spare jacket?” She asked as the two of them waited for the elevator to open.

“Yeah, I got you one.” Clarke told her. “Why?”

“I wanna go outside.” Lexa told her sheepishly. The weather wasn’t great and from the looks of it, it was only going to get worse as the day went on. “I know it’s cold but-”

“I know.” Clarke stopped her, smiling softly. “Once you get into something warmer, I’ll come down with you.” She told her. “It’ll be nicer once we get back home. Not as cold.” Clarke told her with a shrug and Lexa nodded in response as the doors finally slid open. But then Lexa’s face fell as she looked inside and Clarke wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s…” Lexa cast her eyes down, “It’s small…”

“Right.” The elevator was small, Clarke had questioned the size when she was here for the first time. And well, Lexa had issues with small spaces, Clarke didn’t really want this to lead to another panic attack. The room was on the fifth floor, they couldn’t really take the stairs – well Lexa couldn’t. “It is small,” She took Lexa’s hand in her’s, “But it’s going to be for less than a minute, we’ll be out before you know it.” The doors were about to slide shut but Clarke pressed the button again to keep it open. “There are stairs, but I don’t think that’d be a great idea right now, the room is on the fifth floor.” Lexa nodded, agreeing. “I’ll hold your hand the whole time, okay? You can even close your eyes if you want to.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, thinking about it as Clarke kept the elevator door open. “Yeah,” She nodded reluctantly. “Yeah okay.”

Clarke put her foot in front of the open door, keeping it open as she took Lexa’s hand in her’s and kissed her on the cheek. “Do you trust me?” She asked as they stepped inside and Lexa nodded, Clarke pressing the button with the 5 on it.

Lexa stepped up next to Clarke and nodded, “More than anything.” She told her honestly, her lips curling up slightly. It was true, right now, after everything, she trusted Clarke. She trusted her to make her feel safe and protected and…Lexa didn’t have to worry when she was with Clarke. She always meant what she said, stayed true to her words – not just now, but always – so if Clarke said she was going to be okay, Lexa knew it was true. Well, it didn’t convince the nagging in her mind or the small part of her that might get pulled back to the past but maybe, just maybe Clarke would be enough to ground her and keep her from drifting off again. Lexa was a little too tired to have to deal with a panic attack right now.

“That’s my girl.” Clarke smiled at her, the door still open as Lexa faced her side before letting her head drop so her forehead could rest on Clarke’s shoulder. “Close your eyes and relax, okay?” She told her gently, Lexa nodding against her as she visibly relaxed. “I got you.” She wrapped her free arm lightly around Lexa’s waist, wanting to keep her mind grounded and distracted from where they were right now. “You’re safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa. needs help with a lot of things. and she doesn't like it. it really does make her feel like less of coz of how much she needs clarke to help her.


	12. Bubbles and breakdowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's finally out of the hospital. And the first thing she wants to do, now that she's out, is take a bath and really get clean. Things are...complicated, how her mind works and how she feels right now is complicated. But just the little things, like being a bathtub filled with bubbles and Clarke at her side, is enough to put her mind at ease. That doesn't mean though that something can't change her mood in a matter of seconds. And honestly, they're not entirely sure whether the rapid changes like that are due to the PTSD or the brain damage. There's a little talk about how Lexa feels after the things she has been through and all it does is bring up more questions for Clarke as to what really happened to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a step in the right direction ya know? things are getting better and it feels a bit more normal now. but there's so many little triggers. so many things that can change lexa's mood completely. so yeah. this was an interesting chapter to write. i actually had it ready unlike last weeks.  
> okay so the playlist for the fic. it's still under work rn but here's the [link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2yDasUytjGPujbvWsp2qHI?si=ena-NLsPSNaF7z6H3bMgXQ) check it out, i'm still tweaking it and there's some songs that shouldn't be there and some more that should. so hopefully it'll be finalized by next week.

The hotel room was definitely bigger than her hospital room; much nicer than Lexa had expected it to be and she couldn’t help but question Clarke about how she didn’t spend more time here than at the hospital with her. It was mostly a joke, Lexa knew that Clarke wanted to be with her right now more than anything and that was exactly what Clarke said to her. The front door opened into the living room, it had a small kitchenette to the side of it – not much more than a fridge, microwave, and an induction top stove. There were two doors, one to the back of the living room and another opposite the kitchenette – the first led to the bedroom and the latter to the bathroom.

Lexa let Clarke lead her inside, hearing as the door locked automatically behind them with a soft click. She led her to the couch, asking Lexa if she needed anything before helping her sit down. Lexa shook her head setting the crutch down next to her on the floor; she was okay, she didn’t need anything, this felt like the first step to getting back into her life. Maybe not getting back to normal, but getting back to a _new_ normal. Lexa took a deep breath, relaxing as she leaned back on the couch and looked around. The living room area looked comfortable, more so than what Lexa had grown accustomed to anyways. There was a two seater couch, a coffee table – that looked a little too low – with fake flowers in a cheap vase, and a TV that Lexa presumed didn’t have a working remote. But the carpeting was soft, and the lights _weren’t_ fluorescent which didn’t hurt Lexa’s eyes, it all looked very comfortable and after the seven months away and then another month at the hospital, everything about this place looked no less than perfect.

“You wanna go outside?” Clarke asked her lightly as she placed the bag she was carrying on the coffee table. Lexa had asked before they came inside, it had been a long time since she had actually been _outside_.

“Maybe later,” Lexa answered. “Not a fan of the uhh…el-” It was right there on the tip of her tongue but the word just wouldn’t come. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, focusing as hard as she could while her mouth opened and closed to say what she was thinking. “Elevator.” She finally got out, opening her eyes to look at Clarke. “Too small.” She reminded. It was okay though, coming upstairs was okay because Lexa hid her face against Clarke’s shoulder and closed her eyes while Clarke had held her. It was too small and a little dark and it didn’t remind her of anything good. So as much as Lexa wanted some fresh air – despite it being well below freezing outside – she didn’t really want to get into the elevator again.

“You okay?” Clarke asked her carefully, keeping her tone light as she looked over at her. Lexa looked tired, she hadn’t gotten much sleep last night; a combination of pain, discomfort, and unpleasant dreams.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Lexa told her honestly, there was a lightness in her chest, like some of the weight had been lifted from just being here. It wasn’t much, but it felt like it was a step in the right direction – that things were actually, _finally_ getting better. “A little-” A yawn interrupted her, Lexa bringing her hand up to cover her mouth. “Sleepy.”

Clarke gave her a soft smile, leaning closer to her and pressing a kiss to her shoulder. She stayed there, looking up at Lexa, “Well the bed is incredibly comfortable and insanely soft.” She told her gently. “So you can definitely take a nap if you want to.”

“I…kind of want to- take umm a bath first.” Lexa was relaxed and at ease now, she wasn’t sure why she was having difficulty speaking. “Haven’t had a p-proper on in…a while.”

Clarke nodded, sitting up straight; it had been a lot of sponge baths and baby wipes, there was a shower in the bathroom with Lexa’s room but she wasn’t really physically strong enough to stand under it for long enough. And ever since getting back, Lexa has been itching to properly get clean, wash off the past few months from her body, so to speak. “Sounds like a good idea.” She told her. “I’ll run you a bath, get some bubbles. I’ve always wondered what would happen if you emptied an entire bottle of those little hotel soaps into the bath.”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at Clarke at that, this almost felt normal. “Let’s go find out.”

It wasn’t long before the bath was filled with warm soapy water and way too much bubbles, and Lexa laying back in the tub. Lexa was a little worried that maybe being in the water would uhh…bring back bad memories but the moment she was in the tub, she couldn’t help but relax; it seemed like as long as her head was above the water, she was fine. Lexa looked light and carefree almost, her mind clear and relaxed. It was filled a little over halfway, Lexa’s back against the tub with the rest of her body submerged. Clarke was there with her, sitting on the closed toilet seat next to the tub as she listened to Lexa _giggle_ about something she just said. It all looked so normal right now, like things had been back home before all of this, the two of them after a long day at work; Lexa in the bath, Clarke sitting there with her with a glass of wine, candles lit, the two of them talking and smiling and laughing over nothing. That’s what it felt like now, save for the candles and wine – and the scars covering Lexa’s body.

“What’s wrong?” Lexa asked Clarke a moment later, her smile fading as she saw the tears welling in Clarke’s eyes.

“Nothing.” Clarke shook her head, “Nothing at all.” She smiled at Lexa, bring her hand up to wipe under her eyes. “You just…look good right now. Light and comfortable.” She told her, “Makes me happy seeing you like this.”

Lexa leaned her head back, flashing her a soft smile, “This feels good.” She told her. “Feels normal.” She brought up her hand, a small mound of bubbles on it. “More bubbles than normal though.” Lexa added lightly. 

“I put in an entire bottle of shower gel.” Clarke seemed a little too excited about that as she held up the now-empty bottle. “It smells great too.” She added, leaning forward towards the tub, wanting to get a whiff of the strawberry scented bath water. But before she could, there was a flurry of bubbles in her face, Lexa having blown it from her hand. “ _Lexa!_ ” Clarke yelped, pulling away immediately as a laugh bubbled out of her in response.

That led to a little bubble scuffle, Clarke scooping up some of the bubbles and blowing it back on Lexa’s face. She shook it off, closing her eyes before the rest of the bubbles from her hand went onto Clarke’s face. It was cute and it was fun and it felt _normal_ , it felt like how her life used to feel before all of this. And Lexa couldn’t really understand how Clarke made her feel like that even now, even when she could just barely stand without extra support, when she couldn’t get a whole sentence out without stuttering or forgetting her words, when she had countless scars on her body and even half her face. She made her feel like herself, made her feel okay, and normal, and like things could be okay – that _she_ could get better again.

But thinking about that was enough to make Lexa realize just how far from normal she was right now, how far from the person she used to be, from the way she used to feel, from the way she used to _look_. One moment she was smiling and messing around with Clarke, and then the next Lexa was crying. A broken sob sputtering out when Clarke expected to get another laugh as Lexa’s whole body shook with it. With that, Lexa was recoiling in on herself, her knees coming up and trying to hide herself as the tears fell. She couldn’t handle it right now, it suddenly felt too much, and Lexa was overwhelmed; her chest felt tight, the sobs were making it difficult to breathe and in half a moment everything had been turned upside down.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked, worried and confused, unsure of what changed her mood so quickly and suddenly. “Hey, hey,” She got up from her seat, kneeling down next to the tub to get closer to Lexa. “What’s wrong baby? What happened?”

It felt like everything was fine just now, things felt okay while they were talking and smiling and just enjoying themselves. But right now, it felt like that was only a mask to hide the things that were wrong. “I can’t,” Lexa spoke between sobs, shaking her head as she brought her hands up to hide her face. “Everything is too much and nothing is right and I don’t know how to-”

“Lexa breathe,” Clarke stopped her, reaching out to place her hand on Lexa’s shoulder. She was speaking too quickly and not pausing to even breathe and Clarke could see a panic attack was brewing right now. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” Clarke tried, squeezing Lexa’s shoulder. “Baby just breathe.” She didn’t want this to turn into a panic attack, Lexa had been so good today, she had been feeling so much better and even seconds ago, Lexa looked happy.

She tried to listen to Clarke, do as she was asking but it was difficult right now as her whole body trembled with the sobs. Lexa clenched her jaws, nodding to Clarke as she brought up her hand to grab onto Clarke’s which was on her shoulder. She was doing her best to breathe, and Clarke’s firm grip on her shoulder was helping her stay grounded. So Lexa closed her eyes, focusing on the sensations around her – the warm water, the cool air on her damp body, the pressure on her shoulder from Clarke’s hand. “It’s hard.” Lexa finally spoke, the tears still streaming down her cheeks but her breathing was back under control. “Clarke everything is…so different now…”

“I know baby,” Clarke said quietly, bringing herself up to place a soft kiss on her cheek.

“One moment…things feel okay,” She shook her head, not wanting to look at Clarke. It felt like if she did, she would lose it again. “And then I re-rem-r-remember it can…never be like it was.”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed, trying to bring herself closer but it was not possible given the bathtub. “Things will be okay,” Lexa scoffed. “They _will_.” She insisted. “Maybe it won’t be like it was but baby, things will be okay. You will be okay.” But Lexa didn’t respond. “What happened?” Clarke asked carefully after a moment. “Everything was okay a moment ago, what changed?”

Lexa chewed on her bottom lip, unsure of it herself. “I don’t know.” She muttered. “It was like…a switch. I realized how dif-d…different everything is now.”

Clarke’s grip on Lexa’s shoulder had eased and now her thumb was making small circles on her skin. “But you’re getting better.”

“Still different.” Lexa shook her head. “Like this,” She pulled out her left hand which was still in the water. Clarke was on her left side, and Lexa had her right hand coming up across her body to hold onto Clarke’s. “And this,” Lexa motioned towards her face and right arm, “All the burn scars…like my skin doesn’t…” She sighed, “It doesn’t feel like skin even.” Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand, letting it rub along her right arm and over the aforementioned scars. “My face…all the other scars…” Lexa shook her head slowly, turning to finally look at Clarke. “I can’t talk pro-p-properly.” A sad laughed bubbled out at the irony of that. “Like that.”

“You’re still you baby.” Clarke tried to tell her. “None of that means you’re not going to get better.” She leaned closer, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s shoulder. “You are getting better.”

“It feels like…” Lexa thought about it for a moment, thought about what she wanted to say. “I don’t deserve to get better.”

“What?” Clarke questioned. “No, no, baby that’s not true.” She told her immediately. “Why would you say that?” It upset her to hear Lexa say that, say how she felt like she didn’t deserve to get better. It wasn’t something she had mentioned before but Clarke knew this was something to be expected – the guilt, wanting to give up on herself, feeling like she wasn’t worth it. There was guilt from…surviving when other hadn’t, made her ask herself why her and not the other’s. Clarke also knew Lexa felt guilty about needing assistance and support now, felt guilt for getting upset or emotional. “Of course, you deserve to get better, why wouldn’t you?”

Lexa shrugged uncertainly. “Maybe I’m too far gone.”

“No,” Clarke shook her head. “That’s not true, no one is ever too far gone to deserve to get better.”

“I can’t look at myself Clarke.” Lexa admitted. “Everything that was done to me…it makes me feel,” She paused, brows furrowing as she thought about it, she hadn’t talked to Clarke about it, talked to anyone about it. Well, no more than the obvious like getting shot in the leg, and flogged, and waterboarded – those weren’t really a secret, it was clearly _visible_. “Dirty.” Lexa finally said. “I feel dirty.” She took to picking at her fingertips, no longer looking at Clarke. The tears were coming back, Lexa could feel a tightening feeling in her chest as her mind went back to it and she took a shaky breath. “These aren’t things I can…come back from.”

Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what happened and what they did to Lexa to make her feel like this. It wasn’t anything pretty, that much was clear, and other than the clearly visible things, Clarke had no idea what Lexa had been through. She didn’t want to talk about it, not yet, Lexa couldn’t really think about it without triggering a panic attack or a flashback, so no, she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. But it made Clarke wonder, took her mind to places it didn’t want to go, think about things she didn’t want to think about but there was no way of knowing what actually happened to Lexa. “That doesn’t mean you can’t get better.” Clarke tried to tell her. “It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to get better baby,”

“I’m broken, Clarke.” Lexa muttered. “I’m broken and I’m dirty and I’m so beyond help.”

“No,” Clarke shook her head calmly, “That’s not true.” Lexa didn’t seem to agree, she wasn’t looking at Clarke anymore, she had her eyes cast down on the water as she rubbed her hands over her forearms. “Whatever happened to you wasn’t your fault, Lex.” Clarke told her. “And it doesn’t make you broken or dirty, and it definitely doesn’t mean you can’t better.”

“I was…feeling okay just a minute ago…” Lexa shook her head. “It felt normal, you know?” She looked up at Clarke again. “But…I’m not.” She added. “I’m not normal.”

“You are.” Clarke argued. “Baby you’re still normal. And you’re still allowed to do things that let you feel normal. You don’t have to feel guilty about it.”

Lexa only shrugged, letting out a sigh, the intense overwhelming feeling had passed – that too without a panic attack, by some miracle – and it had now been replaced by this dull aching and emptiness inside her. Her arms came up around her subconsciously, wrapping around herself as Lexa tried to find some sort of comfort. She felt alone and empty and like everything from her surroundings was blurring away. Lexa needed something, someone, some form of contact to comfort her. But her body was too frozen to move, Lexa wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to even get out of the bath. The water felt nice, it made her feel _clean_ , it was soothing but god knows why, it felt like she was the only person on the planet right now.

“I’m here.” It seemed like Clarke could read her mind. Her voice was soft and soothing and gentle, cutting through the silence after a long minute. She placed her hand back on Lexa’s shoulder, finding it suddenly cold – the water was warm, the bathroom was warm and humid from the heating as well as the water, she shouldn’t be cold. “Is it okay if I come into the bath and sit with you?” Clarke asked her carefully, keeping her tone soft and free of the worry she was feeling right now at seeing Lexa like this.

To her relief, Lexa nodded, not looking up as she spoke, “Please.”

Clarke gave a short nod, withdrawing her hand from Lexa’s shoulder before standing up. She kept her movements slow and small, not wanting to do anything that could startle her in any way. Standing up, Clarke unzipped her hoodie and took it off, then her t-shirt, followed quickly by her underwear and jeans at the same time. She continued to watch Lexa, hunched over with her head resting in her hands as she kept her breathing steady while Clarke undid the bra hook and pulled it off. Lexa must have been watching from the corner of her eyes, because the moment Clarke had undressed, Lexa moved over to make room for her. She moved up, pushing herself away from the back of the tub to give Clarke enough space to sit behind her.

Tentatively, Clarke stepped into the water behind Lexa – it was still warm and comfortable. She settled in behind Lexa, sitting down with her legs on either sides of the other woman as her hands cautiously went to rest on Lexa’s hips. Clarke wasn’t sure if it would be okay to pull her closer, so she only stroked her thumb over Lexa’s skin for a moment, giving her the time to sit back and relax as she was comfortable. A couple of seconds later, Clarke felt Lexa relax under her hands before moving back slowly. Lexa let out a small sigh, almost sounding content as she leaned back against Clarke. It was an old familiar feeling, the feeling of Clarke’s skin against her and, once again, for a moment, things started to feel okay.

“I’m here, okay?” Clarke spoke quietly, her arms wrapping around Lexa’s waist. Her skin felt cold and it made Clarke hold onto her a little tighter, pressing her warm skin against Lexa’s, wanting to transfer some of the heat. It was a familiar feeling, it was a feeling Clarke had missed so miserably. They were always close, physically affectionate, they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other even years after being together, it was just how it had been when they first started dating. Hugs, holding hands, casual touches in passing; by now they knew every inch of other’s skin, they just constantly needed to touch each other. It felt comforting to feel Lexa’s skin against her’s again like this. But it was still different, she could feel the scars from Lexa’s back against her body, they were deep and long but now they had healed to these ugly raised lines covering her back.

“I love you.” Lexa muttered quietly, letting her head rest against Clarke’s chest. She was half laying in Clarke’s arms, her body between Clarke’s legs, her back against her fiancée, and in this moment Lexa felt safer than she has in months. Every moment she spent with Clarke since getting back, she has felt safe, but it was…complicated. She felt safe but it wasn’t anywhere near how she had felt before leaving months ago, it always felt like something could go wrong, someone could hurt her. But now, the closeness, the intimacy, Lexa couldn’t help but let out a content sigh as she relaxed against Clarke.

“I love you too.” Clarke told her softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Is this okay? Are you comfortable?” She asked her, she wanted to be sure because this was supposed to help Lexa feel less uncomfortable.

“Yes.” Lexa nodded, her voice a whisper “It’s perfect.” Her hands went to rest over Clarke’s. “Can we stay like this for a while?”

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at Lexa’s voice, she sounded calm and relaxed and at ease again. It was a little surprising how quickly her mood changed, but this wasn’t the first time physical contact from Clarke had that effect on her. “For as long as you want.”

“This helps.” Lexa muttered after a moment. “Feeling your skin against mine,” She let out a sigh. “I don’t know…it…” She trailed off. “It makes me feel safe.” Lexa told her, body relaxed against her fiancée’s and they fell silent. It was a comfortable silence, taking in each other’s presence as they sat in the water, hands holding each other’s before their fingers intertwined.

“Do the scars bother you?” Lexa asked after a while.

“No, no.” Clarke shook her head immediately, “Not at all.”

“Not even the face?” Lexa asked uncertainly, her body starting to tense.

“No, not even the face.” Clarke replied calmly, pressing a kiss to her shoulder to calm her down. “None of it, baby. None of it bothers me, at all.”

“Are you sure?” She asked her again but before Clarke could respond, Lexa sat up straight and off of Clarke.

“Baby come back,” She told her softly. “I promise the scars don’t bother me.” Lexa was comfortable only a moment ago, and she did say the physical contact made her feel better. So the only reason she would move away was because she was worried about the scars putting Clarke off.

“I’m so sorry, I forgot about the ones on my back.” Lexa shook her head, apologizing seriously. “I didn’t-”

“It’s okay.” Clarke told her, her hand going on Lexa’s back to trace one of the long scars. “I can feel them against me but I don’t mind it baby.” No, Clarke didn’t, at all, in no way did it make her not want to be close to Lexa. But it looked upsetting and well…it hurt to see them. They were long and deep and now that it had healed, it was raised that Clarke could very clearly feel it against herself. “You’re still you.” She told her, not wanting Lexa to get worked up again when she was finally calm again. “You’re still my Lexa and no scar will ever change that.” Lexa seemed to listen to her, letting a moment pass before finally moving back to return to her position in Clarke’s arms. “Thank you.” Clarke told her with a grateful smile, relieved once Lexa settled against her again.

“It doesn’t feel weird?” Lexa asked, regarding the scars on her back.

“It doesn’t.” Clarke answered. “Don’t worry about it, okay? None of the scars bother me.” She pressed a kiss to the back of Lexa’s shoulder, the part that was still covered with a bandage – and waterproof tape like the surgery sutures to keep it from getting wet. “You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” Clarke told her honestly. “And Lexa, nothing will ever change that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did lexa go through? what did they do to her back there? who knows not me. not yet lol. let me know what you guys thought of this chapter. also the playlist for the fic. it's still under work rn but here's the [link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2yDasUytjGPujbvWsp2qHI?si=ena-NLsPSNaF7z6H3bMgXQ) check it out, i'm still tweaking it and there's some songs that shouldn't be there and some more that should. so hopefully it'll be finalized by next week.


	13. Scars and wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right after the last chapter. It's the rest of day one post bath time. Lexa needs to get her bandages changed and that's...never fun. But the rest of the day goes by alright with some fluff and it wraps up with breakfast the next morning. It's a nice mix of cute and angst, ups and downs but Lexa's starting to make some progress and she's starting to see it herself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i??? am not entirely??? happy with this chapter??? idk my writing feels weird with this chapter and i don't really know why. i even rewrote it but it still feels off. the content of the chapter is good tho. and that's fine. i'm happy with how the story is going. and its making progress. and lexa's closer to getting home which is good. i'm just not happy with the writing for this chapter.

They spent close to an hour in the bath, just barely talking and mostly just enjoying each other’s presence in silence. It was when the water started to get cold that they decided it was best to get out. Clarke got out first, stepping away to the towel rack that was too far away from the bathtub, before retrieving the bathrobes and throwing one over herself and returning to Lexa with the other one. Clarke knew Lexa didn’t want the help, but she couldn’t really get out of the bathtub on her own, not with her bad leg or the way her balance had been acting up recently. Once out of the tub and into the soft white bathrobe, Clarke let Lexa lean against her for support as the two of them made their way out of the bathroom.

Leaning on Clarke, Lexa took small steps as she let her lead her out of the bathroom. The crutch was still sitting somewhere in the living room because Clarke had helped her into the bath. Lexa’s body was relaxed, a little too much that her legs felt wobbly and she had to grab onto Clarke’s arm as they walked. Clarke kept her pace slow, letting Lexa steady herself on her legs as they found their way to the bedroom. Walking inside, Clarke sat Lexa down on the bed and stepped away to grab them both some clothes. It was only around 2pm, they still had the rest of the day and Clarke wasn’t sure if pajamas were the way to go – sweatpants and a t-shirt sounded better.

Opening the drawer Clarke had thrown her and Lexa’s new clothes into, she pulled out a pair of cut-off sweatpants shorts and a t-shirt for herself then turned to the neatly folded pile of new clothes for Lexa. The hotel room was warm, no trace of the cold January weather from outside and Clarke decided shorts would be easier for Lexa to put on.

“Clarke,” Lexa called out to Clarke, her voice a little out of it. She was relaxed and tired and loose after the bath. “Can I borrow one of your shirts?”

Clarke turned to her, giving her a smile and nodding before walking back to the bed with the clothes in her hand. “This one okay?” She held up her one, it was an old Hayley Kiyoko t-shirt from her concert back in 2018 that read _girls like girls_. Octavia had managed to get her hands on some tickets from work even though they were sold out. It was worn out and had a hole in the shoulder, but it had gotten so soft from all the washes that Clarke couldn’t throw it out. So she had retired to her pajamas drawer instead.

“Yep,” Lexa nodded, interrupted by a yawn as Clarke sat down on the bed next to her. “I think I need a nap.”

“I think so too, yes.” Clarke agreed, “I might join you actually.” It had been a while since they had slept together on a _proper_ bed. “It’ll be nice to lay down next to you without worrying about either falling off the bed or like, crushing you, ‘coz the hospital bed was so small.”

“Mmm hmm,” Lexa nodded, eyebrows furrowing for a moment before she pulled her legs up on the bed and turned her eyes to the bad one. “Do I need to change the bandages?”

“Yes,” Clarke said with a short nod. “It’s not wet, but it’s best to take off the tape,” She told her. “You want the bandages to be breathable.” Dr. Jackson told them about it before Lexa left, and Clarke had seen it being changed numerous times over the past month. She had a feeling Lexa wasn’t paying much attention to what Dr. Jackson had said, and honestly it didn’t surprise her, she tended to zone out a lot of the times the doctor talked about her injuries. It was just hard to listen to and whatever important piece of information he mentioned, Clarke made sure to make a mental note of it. “I’ll get the things, okay?” Clarke said with a smile, gently squeezing her hands before moving to get up.

“Hey,” Lexa stopped her, grabbing her wrist. “Thank you.”

Clarke couldn’t help but stand there for a moment and watch Lexa with the softest smile on her smile. Lexa returned it and Clarke leaned in closer, kissing her on the lips. It was slow and soft and Lexa’s eyes fluttered shut as she felt Clarke’s lips on her’s. “I love you.” Clarke said to her as they came apart, her lips still ghosting over Lexa’s. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?” She nudged her nose against Lexa before finally getting up.

It was less than a minute before Clarke returned to the bedroom with the bag she had taken down to the hospital. Bringing out the paper bag with the medical supplies, she sat down on the bed and motioned for Lexa to sit back against the headboard. She did as asked, taking the pot of lotion from the nightstand to moisturize as she let Clarke move closer and move the bathrobe away to get access to the covered stitches on her leg. The healed scars on her body didn’t need anything special, the burns were months old now and they only got dry very easily, so it was a relief she didn’t have to use anything medicated on them and could just let herself smell _nice_. Well, maybe some scar cream to help with the appearance of them, but Lexa didn’t want to think about it now. The little pot in her hands right now was Clarke’s and Lexa wasn’t too sure what it was but just that it smelled really nice. This was another one of those things that felt familiar and comforting – Lexa tended to _borrow_ Clarke’s skincare products, it helped that they had the same skin type so she didn’t have to think twice about it. Lexa never tended to have dry skin after baths and showers though, but she would definitely need to moisturize now.

Clarke made sure to ask Lexa if it was okay, and that she was comfortable but really, it wasn’t like Lexa had much choice about it. She kept her eyes on Clarke and away from her leg, letting Clarke make light conversation as she removed the tape she had put on it before getting into the bath and then gently peeling off the bandage. It ran along the length of her leg, a clean cut between the bullet wounds that had mostly healed by now – it would take another two to three weeks for the stitches to dissolve completely. It looked a lot better now than it had at right after surgery, the incisions were dry now, no more blood or fluids oozing out of them and it was almost the same for the bullet wounds. The two that Lexa had pulled the bullets out of were in better shape than the other one, but they were still a little raw so the bandages on those three points needed to be changed more often than the incision site. Clarke worked as she talked to Lexa putting lotion on her arms, keeping her mind occupied as she cleaned the now revealed wounds before cutting the new bandage to size and covering it again.

“All done,” Clarke smoothed the edges of the bandage, leaning down to press a kiss on it. “You wanna lie down so I can get to the one stomach?”

Lexa’s face fell suddenly, looking uncertain as she turned her eyes away from Clarke. “Uhh…” She started, “Yeah sure.” But the thing was, Lexa didn’t want to have to see that; well the surgery scar was one of the better ones on her front. There were countless ones from being burned, cuts from who knows what at this point, and ugly grazes that had left patches of discolored skin where it had healed. God, and that wasn’t even mentioning the burn scars from the explosion, they crept along the side of her ribs to her arm, shoulder, and upper chest. Lexa let out a small sigh, moving the pillows from against the headboard flat on the bed before laying down.

“Is this okay?” Clarke asked carefully as she undid the belt on Lexa’s bath robe before pushing it apart to reveal her stomach. Lexa only shrugged lightly, there wasn’t much she could do even if it wasn’t okay. Clarke kept her lower half covered, her top exposed to show the bandage running from the bottom of her ribcage to right above her belly button.

Lexa laid there patiently, her eyes on the ceiling as she felt Clarke slowly peel off the edges of the tap. Her jaws clenched, doing her best to not look at it. “Actually uh,” Lexa stopped her, just as Clarke was about to remove the bandage. “Can you…” She trailed off, she didn’t want Clarke to have to do this, didn’t want Clarke to see it and touch it any more than she already had. “Give me a minute, I’ll do it myself?” She asked her uncertainly. Lexa didn’t particularly want to do it herself, but at the same time being seen like this made her feel worse about herself.

“I know you don’t want to look at it.” Clarke told her, her voice soft and low. “And you don’t have to, I can do it for you.”

“I just-” A shaky breath interrupted her. “I can’t deal with all of this.” She dismissed, bringing her hands up and rubbing her eyes with the heal of her hands. “The scars, the-th stitches, the wounds.” Lexa groaned, keeping her eyes still covered.

“Let me do it for you.” Clarke requested. “I know it’s hard because it really is a lot to have to see on yourself, but you don’t have to look at it.” She told her, keeping her voice calm and gentle. “Please?”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, not moving or saying anything as she thought about Clarke just said. Then she finally nodded, letting Clarke do it for her – she was right, Lexa didn’t want to see it and the surgery incision on her front made her feel worse than the one on her leg for some reason. Maybe it was because that wasn’t a _direct_ result of the torture she endured, but more like the side effect of it. “Yeah, okay.” Lexa said in a whisper.

Clarke gave her a short nod, not saying anything at Lexa’s defeated tone as she went about removing the bandage. Her hands were gentle, touches soft as she ran her finger along Lexa’s skin to put her at ease before peeling away the bandage. She heard Lexa take in a sharp breath as the bandage came away and Clarke couldn’t do much more than look at her with sad eyes. Clarke worked in silence, discarding the used and bloody bandage before retrieving an alcohol wipe to clean it. There wasn’t much of a reaction from Lexa as Clarke cleaned the wound but as she was putting it away, she heard what sounded very close to a whimper. Clarke let out a quiet sigh, her chest tightening as she looked at her fiancée; she looked so scared and helpless, laying on the bed with her arm over her face and covering her eyes, doing her best to contain herself as she sucked in another shaky breath.

“It’s okay.” Clarke muttered to her, leaning down and tentatively placing a small kiss on Lexa’s stomach, next to where the long scar was. “You’re okay.” Clarke added, pressing another kiss right below the last one. Her movement was a little hesitant, unsure if this was okay but Clarke just wanted Lexa to know that she _was_ okay, and that these scars and marks on her didn’t make her any less of who she was. So when Lexa’s hand came up to run through Clarke’s hair, Clarke knew she made the right decision. Lexa didn’t pull her away, only nestled her fingers into Clarke’s hair and rested it there, letting Clarke trail down next to the still healing scar with the gentlest kisses.

“Stay,” Lexa muttered as she felt Clarke rest her head against her abdomen, keeping enough space between her and the sutures to keep from hurting her.

“I’m right here, love.” Clarke replied, her arm coming up and around Lexa’s waist. It wasn’t long before Lexa finally uncovered her eyes, instead bring her hand down to hold Clarke’s. She hesitated for a moment given how it was her left hand and the missing fingers still made Lexa worry that Clarke wouldn’t want her to touch her with that hand. But then Clarke took her hand in her’s, squeezing reassuringly as Lexa went back to running her other hand through Clarke’s hair.

Clarke stayed like that, the two of them not really talking but just pausing for a moment as Lexa’s breathing evened out. She was still holding Clarke’s hand, the other in her hair but after a while, Clarke could tell she was asleep. She was tired, the bath made her more relaxed, and it seemed like right now, like this, she was peaceful so it only made sense that Lexa fell asleep. Clarke didn’t really want to move, Lexa’s gentle movement as she breathed making her want to fall asleep too. It felt good to be this close to her, to finally get to touch her and hold her, and it seemed like Lexa felt the same way. Clarke knew Lexa would have fallen asleep eventually, but she had thought that would be after getting dressed, and getting into bed properly. But something about having Clarke against her like this, holding her hand, the familiar feeling of having her fingers threaded in her hair gave her this sense of safety and Lexa couldn’t really keep her already-heavy eyelids open much longer.

Clarke didn’t move, waited until she was sure Lexa was deep in her sleep before finally getting up. She didn’t particularly want to, it felt nice being like that together, it had been a long time since she could be like that with Lexa – helped that the bed now was a decent size. First, Clarke brought her head up, looking at Lexa to make sure she really was asleep. Satisfied with the peaceful look on her face, Clarke slowly untangled their joined hands, moving almost in slow motion as to not disturb the sleeping woman. Finally getting up, Clarke spent a moment just sitting there next to her, watching her sleep, reassuring herself that Lexa was in fact okay and here with her. 

She finished cleaning the sutures, reapplying a bandage before getting up to turn the heating up; it was a little chilly and Lexa wasn’t really wearing much. Returning to the bed, Clarke found her place back next to Lexa. She didn’t bother getting dressed either, the bathrobe was soft and the room was warm so all Clarke wanted was to be curled up next to the love of her life before dozing off for an hour or two. She knew they didn’t have anything planned for the rest of the day, not much more than staying in bed and cuddling and making up for lost time – and now Clarke could actually be in bed with her for the majority of the time. Lexa would probably sleep for a couple of hours, given how little she slept last night, and then Clarke was hoping she’d get Lexa to eat something for lunch.

The rest of the day went by just fine. They got pizza for dinner, Clarke leaving for a few minutes to run down to the pizza place across the road before returning. She had asked Lexa multiple times if she would be okay alone and Lexa had nodded, told her it was only for a few minutes so she would be just fine. They stayed on the couch after that, digging into half a pint of ice cream – that they _had to_ finish because there wasn’t a freezer – before Lexa fell asleep watching their second movie of the night. She was laying on the couch with her head on Clarke’s lap now, Clarke playing with her hair as the light from the TV cast a glow on them.

Once she was certain Lexa was sound asleep, Clarke decided to take her to bed without waking her. Lexa was fast asleep and only stirred when Clarke picked her up; she had one arm under her shoulder, the other under her knees, and Clarke made sure Lexa had her arms around her neck. It seemed like when Lexa was asleep now, it took quite a bit to wake her up – she had never been a heavy sleeper but after the conditions she lived through the months she was gone, Lexa probably _had to_ learn to sleep through them. This tended to be an issue when she was off on a deployment, Lexa used to complain about how it was hard to sleep and sometimes even went days without it. But yeah, it was very different now.

She was a lot lighter too, Clarke noted as she made her way to the bedroom, Lexa in her arms. Clarke could always lift her up, carry her for a couple of feet, but it was never with this much ease and the bedroom was more than a couple of feet away. She had lost a lot of weight by the time she got back; at first it had scared Clarke, she was so skinny and small and looked about half the size she had been when she left. It was a lot better now, she had been eating more, drinking more, and Lexa was physically getting stronger and putting on weight. But it was still far from how she had been before, she was still underweight and it worried Clarke because that was just another way Lexa was physically weaker.

* * *

Waking up the next morning, Lexa was a little disoriented as she took in her surroundings. She didn’t remember coming to bed, or even to this room, the last thing Lexa really remembered was watching TV with Clarke. _Oh right_ , Lexa let out a sigh, realizing that it must have been Clarke who brought her to bed after she fell asleep. _Speaking off…_ Lexa turned her head slowly, only to find Clarke’s side of the bed empty. She furrowed her brows, frowning as she looked around the room; it was clearly morning, there were streaks of sunlight coming into the room through the cracks in the curtain, but Clarke wasn’t here.

It took her a moment, stirring and letting her body adjust before finally pushing herself up to sit. Her body had changed so much in the past months, the months she was gone, it didn’t work the way it used to, it didn’t move the way it used to and as much as that hurt, and as difficult as it was to accept, Lexa was slowly working on dealing with it. She was learning to handle it better now, she knew what caused pain, what made moving easier, and the main thing seemed to be keeping her movements slow. Sitting up, the first thing Lexa noticed was the smell wafting into the room. It took her a moment – because honestly, when was the last time she smelled this – but it was unmistakably the smell of pancakes.

Grabbing the crutch that was resting against the nightstand, Lexa finally made the move to stand up. Clarke must’ve brought it to the bedroom, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile a little to herself at the thought of that as she finally stood up. Putting her weight on the crutch instead of her bad leg, Lexa stepped away from the bed and out of the room. Her body felt stiff, her movements limited much like every morning – it took about an hour or so to loosen up again and move more freely.

“Hey,” Clarke greeted from her spot in the small kitchenette. She was standing over the single top stove. “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Lexa replied, giving her a confused look. “What are you doing?” She asked as she continued to walk towards Clarke.

“Making you breakfast.” Clarke replied simply, like it was obvious, “Come sit.”

“Where did you get…pancake mix?” Lexa asked as she reached Clarke, watching as she flipped the pancake in the pan.

Clarke missed this, she missed having a sleepy Lexa walk up to her in the morning, her eyes still droopy and her voice heavy with sleep. Okay well, it was usually the opposite, Lexa tended to wake up before Clarke most of the time. “I called the reception, asked if there was anything they could do.” She explained, watching as Lexa sat down at the small table. “They said they could just make me the pancakes and didn’t really get why I wanted pancake mix instead.” She shrugged, picking up a plate from next to her and moving the now cooked pancake on it. There were already a couple more on the plate, Lexa wasn’t sure how she missed that. “But they kinda delivered.” Clarke sat the plate down in front of Lexa. “Got whipped cream and syrup too.”

Lexa gave her a smile, shaking her head in disbelieve. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t missed this, hadn’t missed having breakfast together – and no, the hospital didn’t really count because it was usually Lexa eating and Clarke munching on a cereal bar or something similar. “You’re ri-r-ridi-…dammit.” Lexa muttered, taking a moment to find her words. “Ridiculous.” She wasn’t going to let that ruin her mood, Lexa was slowly starting to get used to it. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“Yes.” Clarke nodded, grabbing the aforementioned whipped cream and syrup, as well as two forks before sitting down across from Lexa. “And you love it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soak in the bits of fluff on this chapter coz the next one is a rough one. there were sad bits here but also. there were some nice stuff. like lexa falling asleep with her hand in clarke's hair. or lexa falling asleep on the couch with her head on clarke's lap. and then clarke carrying her to bed. and pancakes in the morning. so yes. cute things. fluffy bits. soak in it. embrace it. the next one is going to be tough on our commander. here's a hint: it has something to do with new year's eve and guess what comes along with that :))


	14. New Year's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Periods aren't fun. No one likes getting their period. But there seems to be more than the usual 'my insides are bleeding out' when Lexa realizes its that time of month. It's not something she wants to talk about - Lexa saying she can't talk about it - and Clarke is worried. The second half is New Year's Eve and Lexa dealing with the fireworks. It's overwhelming and Clarke isn't quite sure what to do, its really hard seeing Lexa like this. But she does her best to help Lexa get through the night, doing everything she can to distract her, keep her calm, and just....get her through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all will get to know more about why lexa's so off about her period than clarke will. for a while at least because lexa doesn't really want to talk about it. well she feels like she can't talk about it. and yeah. fireworks later. i think y'all know what to expect from that.

It had been a while since Lexa had been greeted by this particular sight. Yesterday had been uneventful, and Lexa was really hoping today would be too. After everything, uneventful was ideal, uneventful was what she wanted for most days. But it seemed like that was only just a wish as Lexa sat on the toilet and let out a long sigh at the blood practically oozing out of her. She could feel it coming, and Lexa had rushed to the bathroom before it could spill onto her panties. Lexa hadn’t gotten her period the month she was in the hospital; something that was supposedly normal given the stress she was under as well as the drugs she was on. Stress could mess with her cycle, that was no secret, and Lexa was never very regular anyways. It had been quite the inconvenience the times she had gotten her period while… _away_.

Lexa rolled her eyes, sitting there and waiting until her bladder was emptied out before wiping the blood away. A lump formed in her throat as her hand came away, some of the blood having gotten on her hand and Lexa had to remind herself to breathe. The last time there was blood _down there_ , it wasn’t because she was on her period, it was because of something much much worse. And seeing the blood now was taking her mind back to that, back to what had caused it last time, back to how she was feeling and who was making her feel like that. It was hard to keep herself in the present, one thought led to another, and then another and Lexa could feel herself spiraling down those memories with nothing to do to stop it.

But then there was a sudden knock on the door, quiet and low, and it brought Lexa’s attention to the door from her memories. “Baby, you’ve been in there a while.” Clarke’s voice called out from the other side. “Everything okay?”

Lexa took in a deep breath, nodding to herself before pulling herself together enough to speak, “Yeah, yeah.” She said to Clarke. “I’m okay.” Lexa shook her head, trying to shake the thoughts away before finally cleaning herself off and pulling her pants back on. “Be out in a minute.” She said to Clarke, flushing the toilet and stepping over to the sink to wash her hands.

“You good?” Clarke asked as Lexa walked out, she had returned to the couch in the living room-ish area. Lexa looked okay, not answering but Clarke had noticed a waver in her voice when she was in the bathroom.

Lexa nodded, using her crutch to walk out of the bathroom. “Yeah, I uhh…” She trailed off, “Got my period.” Clarke nodded understandingly, moving to get up because Lexa would need tampons. “Do you have any tampons or pads or something?” Lexa asked her, Clarke already making her way towards the bathroom.

“Yeah I should.” Clarke nodded, walking past Lexa and stepping into the bathroom to check her toiletries bag. She dug around, looking for the tampons she had left from when she needed them two weeks ago. “Got it,” She pulled out two wrapped tampons, stepping around to Lexa who was waiting behind her. “I only have two though,” She handed them to Lexa and stepped away. “There’s a pharmacy down the road, I’ll go down and grab you a box.” Lexa nodded as she took them while Clarke walked out and towards the bedroom.

Clarke made her way to the bedroom to get dressed to leave as Lexa stepped back into the bathroom. It didn’t take too long for her to pull on her jeans, a sweater, and then her coat. But it took a minute to find her phone and purse, and a couple more minutes to find her hat and scarf – something she realized she needed given how cold it was outside. It seemed to be easy to forget what the weather was like because the room was warm and dry. Once satisfied, Clarke walked out of the room and towards the door to leave.

“Clarke?” Lexa stopped her, stepping out of the bathroom. “Can you get me pads instead?” She asked her hesitantly, her eyes not meeting Clarke’s.

Clarke gave her a small confused look, almost expecting an explanation because Lexa didn’t tend to use pads. But Lexa didn’t offer one, only looked away from Clarke. “Yeah, sure.” Clarke finally answered, nodding before opening the door. “I’ll be back in five minutes, okay?”

Lexa nodded, giving Clarke a weak smile and waiting till the door closed. As soon as she heard the small click of it locking behind her fiancée, she let out a shaky breath, her shoulders slumping as she squeezed her eyes shut. It had been a while since Lexa thought about this, _had_ to think about this. She wanted to forget, she wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen, because maybe if she did that long enough, her brain would be _convinced_ it didn’t. She didn’t have to think about this while at the hospital, there was enough going on as it was, it didn’t leave any visible scars, or any visible wounds. Even when she was lying mostly naked on the bed with someone cleaning her wounds, Lexa didn’t have to think about this because in all honesty, her mind was preoccupied with all the other issues on her body, the ones that the doctor or nurse was touching or poking at that moment.

Clarke didn’t know. Dr. Jackson didn’t know. No one knew. Lexa herself didn’t want to know, didn’t want to remember. Possibly the only other people who knew - other than the men who hurt her - were her team members who had been prisoners too. It had been easy to forget, easy to ignore, easy to not bring up but the moment Lexa saw the blood down there, her mind was going back to what had happened – almost a little surprised at herself for having _successfully_ repressed it for so long, maybe it wasn’t healthy but it was working. She thought it would be fine, that she would just go back to _not thinking_ about it after getting cleaned up, but it seemed like the tampon only made her feel worse. It was the fact that she had to touch herself and feel something there and it was harder to not think about it.

She shook her head at that, it wasn’t that big of a deal, she had been through a lot worse in the seven months there, so there was no point in being hung up on this one thing. Lexa let herself fall back on the couch, dropping the crutch carelessly on the floor as she rolled her eyes – she hated having to use that damn thing – and did her best to keep her emotions pushed down. She didn’t want Clarke to see her upset about this, then she would have to tell her about it and Lexa couldn’t, she didn’t want anyone to know. For whatever reason, it felt different to everything else they did to her, every other way they hurt her, and Lexa felt the need to keep it to herself, keep it hidden. She felt ashamed, felt like…she should have been able to prevent _this_ – no, Lexa wasn’t going to call it what it was, it was easier not to, she couldn’t attach _that word_ to herself.

Lexa must have gotten lost in her thoughts because she didn’t even hear Clarke coming in. One moment she was staring blankly at the dark TV screen, and the next Lexa looking around in confusion as she felt a hand on her back. She looked at the person next to her with a confused look, unsure when Clarke returned, “Huh?”

Clarke looked her, clearly concerned at how out of it Lexa seemed right now. She had come in a few minutes ago, asked Lexa if she was okay but Lexa seemed to not have heard her or even registered her. “Are you alright?” She repeated, watching her carefully.

Lexa nodded slowly, closing her eyes for a moment as she answered, “Yeah, I’m fine.” She felt her body physically relax at seeing Clarke and leaning back on the couch.

“What’s up?” Clarke tried lightly, leaning back with her as she placed her elbow against the couch and rested her head against it.

“Cramps.” Lexa lied, but it sounded convincing enough.

Clarke didn’t buy it though, bringing her other hand up to push a strand of Lexa’s hair behind her ear. “Sure that’s it?” She asked her and Lexa nodded, “You look a little distracted.”

“I’m okay.” Lexa reassured her, doing her best to force a smile. “You weren’t gone long.” She noted, trying to change the subject and of herself.

Clarke shrugged, her eyes soft on Lexa as she checked her watch. “About ten minutes.” She answered, still not entirely convinced by Lexa saying she was okay, something was bothering her. “I got you one of those reheatable bean bags for the cramps.” Clarke straightened up, leaning down and picking up a brown paper bag. “Here look,” She pulled out the bean bag that looked like a stuffed animal. “It’s a raccoon.” Clarke tossed it to Lexa who caught it effortlessly, “Like you.”

.

“Can you please tell me what’s bothering you?” Clarke tried later that night. They were in bed right now, Lexa on her side with her back to Clarke and Clarke close with her arm loosely around Lexa’s waist. She had been quiet all day, quieter than usual since this morning and Clarke wasn’t quite sure what it was. It seemed to be because Lexa got her period but that must have meant more that just that; Lexa had been…miserable since then. “You haven’t been yourself all day.”

“I haven’t been myself since getting back, Clarke.” Lexa replied simply, her voice void of any emotion.

“Tsk,” Clarke rolled her eyes, “Baby no.” She told her. “You just seem upset today, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Lexa tried to brush it off but Clarke seemed unrelenting at the moment. “I’m fine Clarke, I promise.”

Clarke let a moment pass, kissing her shoulder as she tried to gauge how much more she could push about this matter. It was different today, she hasn’t seen Lexa quite like this since she got back; Clarke couldn’t really put her finger on what it was but just that she seemed _different_ and Clarke couldn’t help but be worried about it. “You don’t sound it Lex,” She tried quietly, keeping her voice gentle and not wanting to sound pushy – as much as she wanted to right now. “I’m here, you can talk to me.”

Lexa only shook her head, “I can’t.” She whispered, “Not about this.”

So Clarke was right in thinking that something was wrong and that Lexa seemed different. Yes, Lexa never liked talking about it, talking about what she was going through because she didn’t like to think about it or she didn’t want to be a _bother_. But it was always her not _wanting_ to talk about it, she never said she _couldn’t_. “You can,” Clarke pressed on. “You can talk to me about anything.”

“Not this,” Lexa’s voice was low and monotonous, it was hard to tell what she was feeling. “I can’t talk about this.”

Clarke thought about it for a moment, thought about the best way to approach it, because not even once had Lexa said she didn’t _want_ to talk about it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes.” Lexa replied almost instantly but was just as quick to backtrack, “But I can’t.”

“You can.” Clarke reassured her, her arms tightening around Lexa comfortingly. “It’s me baby, if you want to talk about it you can.”

“I don’t know…” Lexa trailed off.

“You don’t have to hold it in, you don’t have to keep it to yourself.” Clarke urged on. “I told you back at the hospital Lexa, I’m here and I will be through it all. You don’t have to do anything on your own.”

Lexa sighed, turning around in Clarke’s arm to face her. But instead of looking up at her, Lexa pressed her face into Clarke’s chest and closed her eyes. There was an aching in her chest, it felt tight like something was trying to burst out while Lexa desperately tried to keep it inside. She wanted to tell her, wanted to talk about it, wanted to get it out and of her chest. “Just hold me for a while, okay?” Lexa managed to get out, pressing herself as close to Clarke as possible.

“As long as you need,” Clarke reassured her, kissing the top of her head.

“Can we talk about it later?” Lexa ventured hesitantly. “Can I tell you about it later?” She corrected herself; she wanted to, she really did but Lexa just didn’t think she could, she didn’t feel like she could _allow_ herself to talk about this one thing. But it felt heavy today, it made her feel heavier than anything else in the past month had all of a sudden. And it really felt like Lexa was crushing under the weight.

“Of course, baby.” Clarke told her. “Whenever you’re ready.”

* * *

New Year’s Eve, it was New Year’s Eve and usually this was a good day. But this year, the days leading up to it, Clarke had spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find ways to make the night easier for Lexa. Lexa looked a little worried tonight, doing her best to hide it but Clarke could see right through it. It was the fireworks, Lexa never really had much problems with it; as long as she knew it was _coming_ and knew to expect it, Lexa was fine with it – despite being shot at countless times and being in literal warzones. But it was different this year. A lot more had happened through this _deployment_ than the last ones combined. A part of her was hoping that it would be fine like every other year because she knew when exactly it would start, so she’d be expecting it.

But Clarke knew it would be different this year. It wouldn’t go by smoothly as the other years did; it used to make Lexa a little anxious but Clarke slipping her arm around her waist, pulling her close, and Lexa watching the fireworks helped keep her calm. Watching it let her know what it really was, and what it wasn’t. But Clarke was worried for tonight, there was no real way to block out the noise in the hotel room and it would start at midnight – only two hours away as of now. Lately, Lexa tended to be asleep by now, but not tonight, she didn’t want the sound to wake her up.

Clarke had blankets, earplugs, earphones, whatever she thought could help. It wasn’t just that the fireworks would remind her of bullets, like the ones that messed up her leg permanently, it was the sudden noise; they startled her, even sudden movements. There had been a storm last night, and thankfully the thunder only rolled twice, but it was enough to have Lexa whimpering and trembling. It didn’t only remind her of bullets, the sudden sounds reminded her of the blows that came unexpectedly, the jolt of electricity she was never ready for, the crack of the whip on her back; it reminded her of all those things, it was sudden and unexpected and always too loud.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked her gently; they were settled on the couch now, a blanket over their shoulders as they watched TV. But Lexa looked anxious and antsy and unable to relax – she was worried about later. “Baby, are you okay?”

“Hmm?” Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke questioningly, “Yeah, I’m okay.” But Clarke only watched her, waiting for her to continue. “I’m just…a little worried.” Lexa admitted. “The thunder last night…I freaked out.” She sighed. “I don’t do too well with…uh, loud, sudden noises.”

“I know.” Clarke nodded, “But you were okay.” She reminded her. “And I have a few things that might help to keep you distracted from the noise.”

“I think you’re all I need.” Lexa leaned closer against her, her head falling on Clarke’s shoulder.

“Do you wanna watch the countdown?” Clarke asked her carefully, there wasn’t long left, no more than two minutes. Before it used to help, because then Lexa would know exactly when to expect. Lexa’s arm went around Clarke’s waist wordlessly, burying her face further into the crook of her neck before nodding. “We don’t have to.” Clarke added, leaning her cheek on the top of Lexa’s head.

“No,” Lexa muttered, “It’ll give me a head’s up at least.”

And it did. Only that didn’t do much to help. If anything, the live stream was a couple of seconds of, so the loud noise came suddenly from outside. It made Lexa jump, pulling away from her little save haven against Clarke and looking around in a panic. Her breathing started to grow rapid as it continued, Clarke rubbing her hand over her back and talking to her gently in an attempt to calm her. It wasn’t working, as the seconds ticked by, as more fireworks were shot off, Lexa grew more and more agitated, shaking her head, and squeezing her eyes shut, wanting to do _something_ to block it out. But it was too loud, and even though she knew it was coming again, and that it was just the fireworks, it did nothing to keep the memories and images from intruding.

Clarke held onto her, rubbing her back and trying to talk to her but it didn’t seem like Lexa could hear her. She was muttering under her breath, unintelligible past the rapid breathing and whimpers. Lexa was growing more erratic and restless, shaking her head now as her hands came up to clasp over her ears. She had to block it out, she had to block out the sound and maybe, just maybe that would push the memories away. Every firework going off felt like another blow to her body, another hit on her face, or another bullet being shot at her.

“Make it stop make it stop make it stop,” Lexa kept repeating, her eyes squeezed shut with her hands clasped over her ears. It hadn’t been long, two minutes at most but it was too much. Nothing was helping, the earplugs and earphones were a big no when Clarke had offered them; Lexa saying something about how she had too many things stuck in there and so she wasn’t going to willingly. She thought she’d be able to handle it, thought she’d be able to push past it and just hold onto Clarke and keep herself in the present. But it was too much and Lexa just needed it to _stop_.

“Okay, come on.” Clarke spoke up at last, Lexa was rocking back and forth, her breathing was rapid and uneven, and Clarke wasn’t sure how much longer Lexa would be able to take this. “I need to get you out of here.” Clarke pulled her up to her feet, hands going on Lexa’s arm as she gently grabbed her and Lexa mindlessly got up. She practically dragged Lexa off the couch and towards the bathroom, Lexa leaning against Clarke for support. Lexa wasn’t really responding, too lost in her own mind to know what was happening to her right now. “Somewhere that’ll be quieter.” That wasn’t easy, the hotel was kind of right by the city’s center, which meant it was very close to the fireworks too. The only place in the room Clarke could think off that might be a _little bit_ quieter than the rest was the bathroom.

She wasn’t quite present, there was a faraway look in her eyes as she let Clarke take her to the bathroom – if anything, Lexa didn’t even know where she was going. Clarke was making it up as she went, she wasn’t entirely sure what would help because at this point Lexa was frantic and crying and still mumbling for it to stop so she had to do something that might help.

Stepping into the bathroom, Clarke closed the door behind them and sat Lexa down on the floor with her back against the wall. It felt like everything was moving too fast, like too long had passed when it had only been thirty seconds between now and the couch, and Clarke was getting overwhelmed by it. She knelt down in front of Lexa, her hands going to gently grab her wrist as Lexa finally opened her eyes to look. “You’re okay, I promise.” Clarke tried, her heart breaking at the look of pain and hurt in Lexa’s eyes. “Let’s take this off,” Clarke said quietly, her hands flying down to the hem of Lexa’s shirt to take it off. Her skin was hot and sticky, no doubt sweating under the light fabric and Clarke wanted to provide some physical points of contact to help keep her grounded to reality.

Lexa nodded past the tears, her mumbling dying down as she let Clarke pull her shirt off.

“That’s it, baby,” Clarke placed a hand on Lexa’s bare shoulder, gently pushing her back. “Lean back against the wall.” She pressed her back against it, Lexa not resisting but only nodding. “Close your eyes and try to focus on the cold on your skin.” Clarke told her gently, but the sense of urgency in her voice was very clear – Lexa was still very jumpy and flinching every time another firework went off.

Lexa whimpered an agreement and gave her what should have been a nod. But it was hard to think about anything else right now past whatever was going on inside her head. Clarke was in front of her, her hand on her shoulder as she held her gently against the wall in hopes of the cold sensation helping. But then suddenly Clarke was getting up and the loss of contact made her eyes snap open, Lexa looking at her pleadingly, “No,” Lexa got out past a broken sob, asking her to not leave.

“Only a second, babe.” Clarke sprung up to her feet, rushing to the shower to turn it on. She turned it on as high as it would go, hoping the sound of the water would do something to muffle the outside noises. “I’m here, I’m here.” She was back by Lexa, sitting down next to her this time. “I got you.” Clarke placed her arm around Lexa’s shoulders, bringing her close to her. “Everything is okay, I promise.” But Lexa only let out another sob, “Shh,” Clarke cooed, “Just close your eyes and listen to me okay?” She asked. “Can you feel the cold on your back, against your skin?” Lexa nodded, swallowing down another whimper. “Try to focus on that, okay? And the sound of the wat-”

But another firework went off, causing Lexa to let out a yelp, almost jumping off the floor.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Clarke tried again, holding Lexa steady, “Close your eyes and just do your best to listen to my voice.”

She did her best, held Lexa close and talked to her gently. Reminded her every time she flinched or jumped that she was safe here. Clarke asked her to try and tune out the fireworks, focus more on the sound of the rushing water, the feeling of the cold tile on her skin. It felt like it went on forever, for hours, when in reality it was less than ten minutes. Clarke couldn’t let her go, the aching in her own chest growing at every sob, every whimper, every little flinch that came from Lexa as she held her.

It had been a while now, a while since the fireworks had stopped, a while since everyone had kissed their way into the New Year that Clarke finally took a breath and looked around at the scene around her. Lexa had fallen asleep in Clarke’s arms, tired out and exhausted from everything – she was all cried out, by the end of it, there was barely any noise coming out of her – while the shower still ran, fogging up the bathroom. Clarke trailed her fingers along Lexa’s arm in an attempt to soothe her, her other arm tightening around her protectively. Clarke just…wanted her to be okay. Because Lexa was so far from it, every time things started to look up, one thing or another knocked her back down. “I’m never letting you go.” Clarke whispered quietly. “I promise I’ll keep you safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first half: so yeah. that's. that's happened. i will get more into it later. lexa will get more into it later. she just feels like she's not allowed to talk about this.  
> second half: that was rough. that was really rough. it was a bad night. and even clarke felt overwhelmed this time because she really had no idea how to help.


	15. Welcome home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're finally going home. Clarke finally gets to take Lexa back home and god, Lexa can't wait. Being back in Seattle is nice, it's familiar and comforting and Lexa is immediately at ease by just being back in her city. Being home is even better, it's just how it had been when she left and Lexa can't help but feel safe the moment she steps inside. But as nice as that is, there's this uncertainty of what life is going to be like now, their home is a reminder of how things were and how things should have been. But everything is so different now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a nice chapter tbh. there's a lot of clarke taking care of lexa and like. doing it effortlessly where she does it in a way that doesn't make lexa feel she's being a burden for even a moment. then they're back home. which is. bittersweet really. coz yeah. its a reminder of a different time.

The flight was long and tiring, Lexa could feel the stiffness in her body as she finally pushed herself up from her seat and stood up, about to walk into the aisle to exit the plane. Her joints hurt, her leg felt worse than it had in days, her shoulder was too stiff to even support her crutch. One step and Lexa knew she was in trouble; her shoulder hurt to support herself on the crutch, the rest of her body hurt from how stiff it was, it almost felt like her stitches were pulling and that didn’t even make any sense to her. Lexa sucked in a sharp breath, watching as Clarke picked up her bag and stepped out onto the now-empty aisle, patiently waiting for Lexa.

“I don’t think I can walk back.” She spoke reluctantly, slumping back into the seat after attempting to take another step. “Everything is…so stiff, and sore.”

“Lean on me.” Clarke extended her hand towards Lexa from her spot on the aisle. “I got you baby.” She would have arranged for a wheelchair, both here and at the airport in DC; it was a long walk from the entrance to the plane and honestly, Lexa wasn’t strong enough to be walking that much. But Lexa had asked her not to, had specifically told Clarke not to because it made her feel useless and dependent and weak, she’d be just fine making her way to the plane and out. Clarke had reassured her that it was okay, it didn’t make her any less of who she was for needing some help but Lexa wouldn’t agree to it – she hated wheelchairs.

Lexa gave Clarke a small nod, reaching out and taking Clarke’s arm, grabbing at the forearm before pulling herself up by it. Standing up straight and steadying herself, Lexa leaned against Clarke’s size. “Sorry,” She muttered quietly, lowering her eyes as Clarke picked up the crutch from by Lexa’s feet.

“For what?” Clarke gave her a questioning look, letting Lexa loop her arm around her’s and leaning against her. She picked up her bag and onto her shoulder, effortlessly balancing that and the crutch on right arm and Lexa on her other side. She had checked in their other suitcase, it was a small one anyways – a cabin sized one which was challenging to pack everything into after a whole month away – but Clarke wanted to keep her hands free in case Lexa needed help.

“All of this.” Lexa answered quietly, letting Clarke lead her out of the now empty plane. “I should b-”

“Nope,” Clarke shook her head, making her go quiet. “I’m just giving you a hand, that’s all.” She told her. “Nothing more to it, okay? You don’t have to apologize.”

“Yeah but-” But Clarke shot her a look before Lexa could finish, effectively shutting her up. Lexa let out a resigned breath, smiling at her softly instead. “I love you.”

“That, I like to hear.” Clarke returned her smile, wanting to do something to take Lexa’s mind off of the guilt she felt for needing help right now. “I love you too. Now let’s go home.”

.

Clarke really did do it effortlessly, she didn’t for a moment make Lexa feel like she was bothering her. Helping her with her bag, her crutch, helping her sit down, get back up, now walking out of the airport – Clarke was just glad Lexa was accepting the help. They had just picked up the suitcase now and Clarke had very easily gotten her grasp on all their things as they continued to make their way out of the airport. Lexa seemed more tired now than a minute ago, leaning against Clarke for support as they walked, she felt bad about it, bad about how much help she was needing but Clarke…Clarke made it all seem okay, made her feel like she wasn’t being a burden and for a moment, Lexa could make herself accept the help that she needed.

The airport was huge, the walk was longer than Lexa would have liked it to be. She needed a lot of support from Clarke right now, there was no way Lexa could use her crutch, her shoulder was stiff and sore and it was hurting to just use it to lean against Clarke. But Clarke didn’t falter, not even for a moment as she supported Lexa and carried their things out. Clarke’s right side was occupied with Lexa, her arm now around her lower back to keep her upright – she was just barely staying up on her legs – so Clarke had to manage everything else on her other side. Lexa had offered to carry her crutch at least because Clarke had her bag and their suitcase as well, but Clarke had waved her off, saying it was fine and she needed to not put any strain on her muscles given how stiff they were.

Clarke was going to have to help her stretch out once they got back home; Alie had told Lexa the stretches for her leg and shoulder would help, and she had shown Clarke how to do them for the days Lexa’s joints felt stiffer than usual. So far, since leaving the hospital, Lexa had been physically fine and didn’t really need much help. Her leg hadn’t acted up either which Lexa could only see as a blessing because she really hated how the painkillers made her feel. She wasn’t the biggest fan of the stretches either, it made her feel incapable, laying there and letting someone move her legs and arms around, no she didn’t like it.

“Excited to go home?” Clarke asked as they waited at the pickup spot. They were getting a ride back home courtesy of Lexa’s commanding officer, General Indra Lucas, much like Clarke had gotten on her way to DC a month ago.

Lexa nodded, “I can’t wait.” She was leaning back against the wall right now instead of Clarke as they waited – another minute or two, Lexa was planning on sitting down on the pavement. “I’ve missed our bed so much.” She told Clarke with a tired smile. “And our couch. The living room.” Lexa paused, she was starting to get a better hold of her speech problems, pausing every now and then helped her not stammer or forget the words on the tip of her tongue – she just needed to be a bit more patient now, that was it. “The kitchen.” Lexa enjoyed cooking, she made dinner every night they were eating in and breakfast on the weekends – they had busy morning on weekdays. It was something she missed a lot, but Lexa wasn’t quite sure when she’d be up to cooking again, her motor skills were…not what they used to be, so Lexa wasn’t too sure about making dinner when she couldn’t change the channel on the TV remote without hitting the wrong button. “All of it, I’ve missed home.”

“I’ve missed having you home.” Clarke gave her a soft smile, stepping up to her and brought her hand up to caress Lexa’s cheek. But before the moment could pass, there was a car pulling up in front of them. “Looks like our ride is here.”

By the time it took for Clarke to help Lexa get upright and steady on her feet, the young private was out of the car and ready to help load the few things they had. “Commander Woods,” He saluted, back straight and chest out at the superior officer.

A small smile tugged on the corner of her lips at the sight, forgetting for a moment that her fiancée was having to help her stand up but her mind going back to a different time – back when she was stronger and had a job she loved, when people still respected her and looked up to her. “At ease soldier.” Lexa said to him, a part of Commander Woods shining through despite the tiredness in her voice. “What’s your name, kid?”

Clarke could feel a warmth spreading through her chest at Lexa’s tone. She sounded....confident and sure of herself, more like she used to – this was her comfort zone.

“Private Sterling, ma’am.”

“Oh, you drove me down to the airport when I left.” Clarke commented as she recognized the name, reaching down to pick up their suitcase.

“Yes ma’am.” He said to Clarke with a nod, stepping up to grab the suitcase Clarke was about to pick up. “It’s nice to see you both.” Sterling popped the trunk, loading the suitcase inside before opening the door for the two women. “Especially you, Commander.”

“It’s good to be back.”

.

The drive back home felt much shorter than an hour, Lexa believing it had something to do with the fact that she could look out the window and actually spend her time seeing something. It felt good to finally be back home, to her city. It was familiar and comfortable, filling Lexa with a sense of safety at the familiar roads, buildings, and even road signs. She didn’t say much for the entirety of the drive, a little preoccupied looking outside and spotting all the little changes since she left. Clarke made small talk with the Private, casual questions here and there but Lexa wasn’t paying much attention.

And driving up to 206 Polis Street, Lexa couldn’t help the smile that broke out on her face.

The Seattle rain was soothing, and once again Lexa found herself standing outside in the open while Clarke and Private Sterling unloaded the car. There was an almost blissful look on her face; the rainy season was one Lexa’s favorite things about living in Seattle, most people wouldn’t say that but Lexa wasn’t most people. It was calming and soothing and the rainwater on her skin felt… _cleansing_. So Lexa stood there outside of their home, eyes closed with her head titled back, the rain falling on her face as she savored every drop and took a deep breath, finally feeling somewhat at peace.

Clarke’s hand on the small of her back brought her out of her little bubble, blue eyes watched her for a moment, studying her face before asking, “You good?”

Lexa gave her a small nod as she leaned against her crutch - her shoulder was feeling a lot better now. “I’m great.” Her voice was soft and quiet, calm more than anything else. “Can’t believe I’m....finally home.”

Clarke kissed her cheek, smiling back at her fiancée, it was nice seeing her like this. She dug through her bag for a second, pulling out the keys and unlocking the door before pushing it open. Clarke held it open, looking up at Lexa and waiting for her to go in first, “Welcome home baby.”

Stepping inside, Lexa let out a long deep breath. It instantly felt like a weight had been lifted of her shoulder by just being here. It felt just like it had a year ago, looked the same, smelled the same, everything was still exactly where she had left it - even her jacket was hanging on the coat rack next to the door. Lexa stepped further into the hallway, Clarke close behind her as she stepped up to the console table. It was always a mess, too many things and not enough space, mostly just odds and ends that no knew how it ended up there. But there was also a picture there, on the corner of the table in a simple wooden frame. It was of her and Clarke, back when they were in college, a picnic date early on in their relationship. It was a beautiful picture, Lexa laying on her back on the grass with her face hidden in Clarke’s hair who had her head on Lexa’s chest while smiling at the camera.

Home. She was home.

But soon a different heaviness settled on Lexa’s chest. The more she looked at the photo, looked around her, at their things, at their home, all she could think about was how different everything was now. Everything here was from a different time, a different life was what Lexa felt. And it made her think about what could have been, what should have been, only to be quickly replaced by what had happened and what that meant for their lives now – not just her life, but Clarke’s too. It was like time had stood still here, like nothing had changed and as comforting as that was, that she could just come back and still have this safe space, it was also overwhelming because she wasn’t who she was last year.

Clarke left the suitcase by the front door as she removed her jacket. Her eyes didn’t leave Lexa as she hung it up and approached her. Her movements were slow, a little hesitant and uncertain as she looked around their home. Clarke was quick to spot the relief, but she was quick to spot when Lexa’s demeanor changed too.

“Hey baby,” She muttered quietly, going up behind Lexa before wrapping her arms loosely around her waist. “What are you thinking?” Clarke’s asked instead of asking what was wrong, Clarke didn’t want to bring her down, she had seemed alright up until a moment ago.

“How different everything is now.” Lexa replied honestly, speaking slowly as she leaned back into Clarke’s arms. “The house looks the same. Feels the same.” She felt Clarke press a kiss to the back of her bad shoulder, urging her to continue. “It feels....safe.” Then she paused. “But it’s....a little overwh-ov-...overw-welming.”

“In what way, love?” Clarke asked gently.

“Pressure to be normal.” Lexa stated. “Go back to life....as it used to be.” She shrugged lightly, relaxing against Clarke. “But I don’t think…I can do that. I don’t think I am that anymore.”

Clarke nodded understandingly. She knew things were different now, and no part of her wanted to pressure Lexa into being who she was before all of this; it changed her, as hard as that was to accept for both of them, it had changed her. “There’s no pressure of anything.” Clarke told her, her voice matching Lexa’s. “I know things are different now. And what was normal for us then won’t be normal now.” Lexa nodded. “But that’s okay. It’s your home, it’s your safe space, it’s going to be whatever you need it to be. We’ll find our new normal.” Clarke brought her head up, “Hey?” Lexa turned her head slightly to look at her, “Everything is okay. We’re going to take it one day at a time and figure it all out, okay? There’s no rush.”

Lexa nodded, Clarke had the right idea only it wasn’t going to be as easy as saying it. “I love you.”

“Now come on,” Clarke said as she let go of Lexa and let her stand up straight. “Let’s get changed and then I’ll order us dinner.”

Lexa perked up at the sound of that, following Clarke into the living room. “Can we get pizza?” She asked her hopefully.

“From _Pie Hard_?” Clarke offered and Lexa nodded enthusiastically. Pie Hard – although ridiculously named – had probably the best pizza in town, and it was Lexa’s favorite pizza place. They also did sweet pies…for some reason Clarke didn’t still understand; the owner had said it was having all types of pies but that didn’t make much sense because they only did two – pizza’s and sweet pies. “Yep that was my plan.”

“You’re the best.” Lexa stated, nodding to herself as they entered the living room, “Did you know that?”

“I’m pretty great.” Clarke couldn’t help but smile, Lexa’s playful side didn’t come out too often anymore and when it did, Clarke wanted to make it last for as long as possible.

“You are.” Lexa agreed, a smile playing on her lips as she came to stand in front of Clarke. “You’re i-incr…incredible.” She brought up her free hand, cupping Clarke’s cheek as they looked at each other.

Clarke looked up at her, a twinkle in her eyes, her lips slightly parted at the close proximity. Lexa leaned in slowly, her eyes stuck on Clarke’s as she slowly began to close the distance. Expecting Lexa’s lips on hers, Clarke let her eyes flutter shut - how did kissing her still give Clarke the same butterflies as it did the first time? But then a moment passed and Clarke couldn’t feel those familiar lips on hers. A moment too long actually, and Clarke opened her eyes, slightly confused only to be greeted by an expression of pain on Lexa’s face. “Lexa?” Clarke asked, trying to not panic, “What’s wrong?”

Lexa was breathing carefully through her nose, keeping her breaths small as to not cause too much disturbance in her body by making her lungs expand. “Leg.” She bit out through gritted teeth.

“Shit.” Clarke muttered. “Okay, come on.” Her hands flew to Lexa’s side, wanting to help her to the couch to sit down before she got her medicine.

But Lexa shook her head, her whole body stiff. “Can’t move.” The pain was spreading from her leg, a few more seconds and it would take over her entire body. “Hurts too much.”

“Right.” Clarke sighed, raking her brain for what to do. “Sit down,” She instructed instead. “Or even lie down on the floor.”

Lexa gave her the smallest nod, letting Clarke help lower her. Bending her knee as she went down caused a grunt of pain to leave her and Lexa squeezed her eyes shut to fight it. “Fuck,” She muttered under her breath as she sat down. Clarke moved to her front, helping pull her legs out from under her so it could be out stretched rather than folded. “Ah!” Lexa cried out in pain as Clarke moved her bad leg, eyes closed to hide the tears that were starting to come just due to the pain.

“I’m so sorry baby.” Clarke apologized. “Here, lie down.” She reached up towards the couch, grabbing one of the cushions for Lexa’s head. Placing it down, Lexa fell back with a soft thud again the hardwood floor. “I’ll go get your meds,”

Lexa laid back on the floor, her chest heaving as she did her best to deal with the pain. There were tears stinging her eyes and she squeezed them shut, waiting for Clarke to get back with her painkillers. She heard her footsteps leave the room till she got to her bag. Lexa could hear the quiet rummaging, followed quickly by more steps, this time going to the direction of the kitchen to get her water. The tap turned on. And then off. Lexa was growing impatient but it hadn’t even been a minute, “Clarke!” She couldn’t help but call out, her voice trembling slightly at the pain.

“I’m here, I’m here.” Clarke was rushing back into the living room and kneeling on the floor by Lexa’s side. Lexa heard a clink, finally opening her eyes to find Clarke with a glass of water that had a metal straw in it and the bottle of her painkillers in her other hand. “Here,” Clarke got one pill out, handing it to Lexa.

But Lexa’s arm didn’t come up more than an inch off the floor. “Hurts.” She explained.

“Here,” Clarke brought it to her lips instead, letting Lexa take it from her hand then raising the glass of water for her.

It took too much effort to suck on the straw, her whole body was on fire right now because of her leg. Lexa just about managed to swallow the pill, some of the water dripping out of her mouth and down her lips as they continued to tremble in pain before Lexa put her head back on the pillow.

Clarke wiped her chin with a tissue paper. “I’m gonna get you the hot water bottle okay?” She asked her and Lexa gave her a grunt in acknowledgment, unable to nod. “I’ll be right back.”

Five minutes, it was going to take at least five minutes for the Fentanyl to start working and Lexa wasn’t sure how well she could hold up that long. Clarke had stepped away and Lexa could hear the water already coming up to a boil so she wouldn’t be long now. She was concentrating on her breathing, trying to focus on anything other than her leg but that was very difficult right now given how the pain had spread to the rest of her body. This was…inconvenient. Everything had been fine so far, she would have understood if this happened right after the flight when her whole body was stiff and sore. But she felt fine now, it was fine. Lexa let out a sigh, that was the worst part about this, it was completely random.

By the time Clarke returned, Lexa was whimpering, her eyes closed and tears leaking down the corner of her eyes. “Hey, baby.” She said quietly, sitting down next to her. “I’m gonna lift your leg okay?” She asked her before gently grabbing Lexa’s leg. Clarke waited till Lexa nodded before slowly lifting her leg, it was a small movement but Lexa let out what sounded like a cry at it. “I’m so sorry, baby.” Clarke apologized, placing the hot water bag under her calf. Lexa let out a sigh at that, the heat felt good. “Better?” She nodded again. “Okay, good.” Clarke gave her a small smile but Lexa’s eyes were still closed. She reached up, brushing away the tears from the corner of her eyes.

“Stay,” Lexa spoke quietly, her lips parted as she continued to focus on her breathing. “Please.” There was a crack in her voice this time, tears stinging her closed eyes again.

Clarke was gently massaging her leg now, it helped. There was a sudden ache in her chest at Lexa’s desperate tone. “I’m not going anywhere baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're cute aren't they? and like. isn't clarke amazing? i love her so much. she's such a great partner. she's what everyone deserves. and poor lexa. 
> 
> let me know what you thought. thanks for reading.


	16. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First night back home followed by the first actual day back home. Lexa is doing alright, better than she thought she would be. There's something about being back home, being in her comfort zone, her safe space. Waking up the first morning is very sweet and wholesome and they're in this little bubble where all feels right. There's also a fun little story in here about teenage Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a happy chapter????? for hollow stars???????? unheard of. but here we are. this is a happy chapter. being home is doing lexa good and the first day is really good. and she's happy and relaxed and comfortable. and then there's a bit with clarke and lexa just doing their own things and chilling out and yeah. its a nice chapter.

Clarke watched as Lexa slept on the couch, her pain medication made her sleepy, that was nothing new. Clarke had managed to help Lexa onto the couch a little after the pain settled, and she had sat there with her, gently massaging her leg and letting her relax.

They were in the bed right now, the guest room’s bed downstairs rather than their bed upstairs. Lexa was a little reluctant about that, but after the way her leg acted up, there was no way she was going to make it up the stairs. Actually, even if it hadn’t acted up earlier tonight, her whole body was stiff, especially her leg so Clarke didn’t want her climbing stairs. But she wanted her to be comfortable, wanted her to feel at home as much as possible so once Lexa was asleep, Clarke went upstairs to their bedroom to get some things. She got their pillows, and the comforter, bringing it to the downstairs and hoping that would be enough for Lexa to be comfortable for the next couple of nights till they could go up to their own room.

Once Clarke was done, she had called _Pie Hard_ to order dinner. Although it was Lexa’s favorite pizza place, they didn’t tend to order from them too often; that was mostly due to the fact that they were a little far from their current home – closer to their previous apartment – which meant it took close to an hour for the pizza to be delivered. It was worth it though, their pizza really was that good. The phone was answered on the second ring, the owner answering and being very happy to hear from Clarke. He was even happier to find out that Lexa was back, then asking if Clarke wanted their usual – veggie pizza with extra chicken for Lexa, and a meat lovers for Clarke – to which Clarke had said yes, and added a blueberry pie too.

Lexa had woken up a few of minutes before the food was delivered, the drowsiness from the fentanyl didn’t last as long as it did when she was on morphine back at the hospital. It ended up keeping Lexa down for at least a couple of hours, whereas now it was around an hour – a bit longer today given how tired she was after the flight. They had made their way onto the bed, Clarke getting a towel to catch crumbs and sauce drips from the pies. Lexa was in a much better mood now, sitting back against the headboard, her legs stretched out with a slice of pizza in her hand. She wasn’t actually in the mood for food, but _Pie Hard’s_ pizza was kind of irresistible so Clarke was very happy by the fact that she was eating right now.

“Anyways, so I ended up sending Dave to the nurse’s office for eating the charcoal stick.” Clarke finished her story with a small shrug, they were both in a light mood, Lexa content in just eating her pizza while listening to Clarke talk. Right now, Clarke was filling her in on some of the shenanigans her students had gotten up to – being a high school teacher was very entertaining, and almost every week, there would be at least a couple of very interesting stories to tell her fiancée. This was only one of them, one of the kids had dared the other to eat a charcoal drawing stick and…well, he did. There was a bit more to it, _more context_ , and Lexa hung on every word because after four months of being in a warzone where they talked about nothing but work, followed by seven months in captivity where conversation involved them asking her questions and Lexa replying with _I don’t know_ , and then another month at the hospital listening to doctors talk about nothing but her health, listening to stories now about Clarke’s students were probably the most entertaining thing ever.

“Was Dave okay?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask, smiling around her slice of pizza as she took another bite.

“Yeah, I checked in on him after class was over.” Clarke nodded. “Well, I talked to the nurse, he went home. She said he just ended up throwing up because…charcoal.” She sighed, shaking her head, “My kids are kinda dumb.”

“High school kids _are_ dumb.” Lexa added. “I was an idiot.”

“Did you eat art supplies ‘coz your friend dared you to?” Clarke challenged.

“Not that, no.” Lexa answered. “I ate a note though.”

“A what?”

“Before phones and texts,” Lexa told her, keeping her words slow because although she was relaxed right now, she didn’t want to talk too quickly and stumble on her words. “We passed notes in class?”

“Oh yeah, that was a thing.” That got a small laugh out of Lexa.

“Yes, I ate one of those.”

Clarke tilted her head, waiting for her fiancée to explain, she hadn’t heard this story before. “Why?” She asked when Lexa didn’t elaborate.

“Oh, right.” Lexa sat up straight, it should have been obvious that Clarke would want her to explain but for some reason it didn’t register in her mind. Not until Clarke asked anyways, and although Lexa didn’t want to think about it, she couldn’t help but think that might have had something to do with her brain injury – her doctor did mention there might be changes in the way she processed information and social cues. _Not now_ , Lexa shook the thoughts away, it might just be that she missed it, and besides Lexa wanted to keep things positive right now. “I was passing notes with my uhh…then-girlfriend.”

“Ooh,” Clarke gave her a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, “Do go on,”

“I can’t remember what we were talking about.” Lexa continued with a smile at the memory, “But it wasn’t something I wanted anyone else to know.” Not back then at least, Lexa wasn’t out until she went to college so that would’ve made high school even worse than it already was. “The teacher saw her pass it to me – Costia was sitting…close, I think behind or next to me.” Lexa continued. “And he called me out, asked me what the note was and…” She giggled this time, “I put it in my mouth.”

Clarke laughed, “Why did you eat it though?”

“He was like, _what’s that note_? And I p-panicked and put it in my mouth,” Lexa shrugged. “He made us read them out to the class, and I…couldn’t let that happen so I started chewing.” Clarke was still laughing. “Mouth full, I looked at him…dead in the eye, and went _what note?_ ” Clarke was gasping for air at this moment, the mental image of teenage Lexa chewing a piece of paper while blatantly lying to a teacher was kind of funny. “He…stared me down and watched as I…chewed it and then swallowed it because uhh clearly I didn’t have anything.”

“What did he do then?” Clarke managed to ask, her whole body shaking with laughter.

“Nodded then went back to teaching.”

“Babe no,” Clarke shook her head, briefly having forgotten about her food. “You don’t eat paper.” She tried to get her laughing under control. “What did the note say, anyways?”

“No idea.” Lexa shrugged. “I ate it before reading it.”

Clarke thought about it for a moment, “Why didn’t you just hide it?” She asked, “Or lie?”

“I was a teenager.” Lexa answered as if that was self-explanatory. “I was stupid.”

* * *

Lexa stirred awake, her body turning to lay on her back from her side and slowly opening her eyes. It was the first night since getting back that Lexa slept through the night, sometimes it wasn’t even a nightmare waking her up but just that she couldn’t sleep for more than a couple of hours without waking up. Well, actually this was the first time in who knows how long that Lexa slept through the whole night instead of waking up at least once. She was half expecting it to still be dark outside but then her eyes found the sunlight streaming into the room through the cracks in the blinds on the window. Lexa brought up her hand, rubbing her eyes before turning her head to look over at the sleeping body next to her.

Clarke was still asleep, her arm around Lexa’s waist – something she only just noticed – holding her close, she looked peaceful and Lexa couldn’t help but take a moment to just watch her. God did she miss this, she missed waking up to Clarke still asleep, watching her sleep, her hair mussed and fanned out on the pillow under her, still reaching for Lexa even in her sleep. The time they spent at the hotel, Clarke ended up waking up before Lexa did, mostly because Lexa didn’t sleep through the night and needed a little extra time in the morning. But it seemed like there was something about being _home_ that made things feel…easier. And in this moment, watching her fiancée sleeping in the early hours of morning while Lexa could only feel a lightness on her shoulders and chest, she couldn’t help but believe that maybe things would get better.

“Morning,” Lexa whispered a minute later as Clarke finally opened her eyes.

“Hey,” Clarke’s voice was heavy with sleep, smiling nonetheless at the look in Lexa’s eyes. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was…a light there, a spark that hadn’t been in a very long time, it was almost like a part of her old self shining through. “Morning love,” She brought up her hand, gently tracing her jaw with her finger. “Someone looks like they had a good night.”

Lexa nodded, closing her eyes for a moment and relishing in the soothing feeling of Clarke’s fingers on her skin. It felt different now; she knew it felt different to Clarke when she touched her due to the way her skin was burned, but touches felt different on herself too – it wasn’t _as much_ as before, like her skin wasn’t as sensitive and Lexa could feel the roughness herself. “I did,” Lexa answered, her eyes opening to find Clarke looking at her. There was…an intensity there, like Clarke was looking into her soul and Lexa couldn’t help but give her a soft smile, “What?”

Clarke shrugged lightly, “I missed having you in bed with me.”

“We slept in the same bed the last few nights.” Lexa gave her a questioning look.

Clarke shook her head, “This is different,” She told her. “You’re home. And granted this isn’t _our_ bed, it’s still our pillows and our comforter and our house, so yeah. I missed having you home.” Clarke paused for a moment, “I missed waking up to those eyes.”

Lexa couldn’t help herself, couldn’t help but bring herself up and closer to Clarke before softly kissing her. Her lips were gentle against her’s, the most familiar feeling Lexa could think of as Clarke kissed her back. It sent a warm fuzzy feeling through her chest as Clarke cupped her cheeks and held her close and right now, Lexa couldn’t think of a safer place to be than in bed with the love of her life. For a moment there were no worries, no fears, no anxieties, just Clarke and the feeling of her lips on her’s. It felt like home, it felt safe and comfortable and like no matter what else happened, Lexa could always turn back to this because whatever came next, Clarke would always be her safe space.

Lexa wasn’t entirely sure when she had moved, but by the time they pulled away for air, she was on top of Clarke with Clarke still holding her cheeks. Clarke was looking up at her, studying her face before very carefully speaking, as though her voice would pop this little bubble they were in right now, “I love you.”

Lexa didn’t bother fighting the smile that crept onto her face, a real smile that tugged at her cheeks and reached her eyes. She let her head fall onto Clarke’s chest, still smiling against her skin. “I love you too.” She told her quietly, voice matching Clarke. “Clarke?”

“Yeah baby?” Her hand came up, fingers running through Lexa’s hair as she felt her fiancée relax on top of her.

“I…” Lexa trained off, thinking about the words in her head, “I’m happy.”

Clarke took in a shaky breath as she listened to what Lexa said, a small tremor in her hand as it continued to run through Lexa’s hair. Tear stung the back of her eyes, this was something so small and so simple but after the past year, Clarke couldn’t help but think Lexa forgot what that felt like. Even the month in the hospital, sure Lexa had some good moments but Clarke was certain there wasn’t a time she was actually, truly happy.

“I think I forgot what it felt like.” Lexa added before Clarke could respond, almost like she could read her thoughts.

Clarke pressed a kiss to the top of her head, arms going up and around Lexa to hold her close, “I don’t think I’ve seen you happy or this relaxed since you got back.” Clarke commented, feeling Lexa nod against her. “Not that I find it difficult or anything like that,” She quickly added, not wanting Lexa to feel like this was something that made Clarke not want to be around her. “It’s not that, I promise. I know you’re dealing with a lot and so much has happened and after everything-”

“I know what you meant, you didn’t mean it in a bad way.” Lexa stopped her calmly, nodding. “This is progress,”

“Yes,” Clarke agreed, “I’m just happy to see you happy.”

Lexa nodded, bringing her head up to look at Clarke. “Clarke you have been…amazing through every step.” Lexa watched her for a moment, thinking about her next words carefully. “I think being home makes me feel like…things can actually get better.”

Clarke nodded instantly, “It will.” She told her, “It’ll take time and we have to be patient,” Lexa gave her the faintest nod, this was a good morning. “But things will be okay, they will get better.” Clarke brought up a hand, pushing away a strand of hair from Lexa’s face and tucking it behind her ear. “You’re gonna get better.”

_But I won’t be like I was before_ , Lexa thought to herself but left that unsaid, she didn’t want to dampen the mood. “New normal, right?”

“New normal.”

.

They had dozed off for another hour or so after the little talk, waking up again when their stomachs decided they needed food. Clarke knew Lexa didn’t want help right now, but she also knew Lexa needed to take things a little slow after waking up. So instead of offering to help her get up and to the bathroom to get dressed and cleaned up, Clarke decided to brush her teeth and head for the kitchen, telling Lexa to take her time while she got started on breakfast. It was a good technique, something they both realized once Clarke was in the kitchen. Lexa didn’t really like being seen after waking up due to her mobility being worse than normal. She was slower, weaker, stiffer, and Lexa liked to be on her own to stretch her muscles and get up and ready at her own pace. Clarke had been making little mental notes the days at the hotel, she was working on having a system that worked for them both. And this seemed to be one of the things that worked.

Lexa took her time to get out of bed, stretching her shoulders then her legs before moving to slowly get up. Clarke had left the crutch against the nightstand so Lexa could grab it easily. She kept her movements slow as she got up and made her way to the bathroom. It was easier to let herself take her time and move slowly when there wasn’t anyone watching her – Lexa was glad Clarke left her alone, she had a feeling Clarke knew Lexa preferred it and was hoping this was going to become a sort of routine for them. Lexa didn’t see much reason to chnge out of what she was wearing now – Clarke was still in her pajamas – so she sat down on the bed and pulled on the sweatpants before heading out. She wouldn’t have bothered but Lexa was in shorts and it was a little chilly in the morning.

Breakfast was quiet and…easy. Clarke made pancakes, Lexa helping to mix the batter while Clarke stood by the kitchen island and told Lexa more about their friends and what they had been up to the months she wasn’t hear. Lexa had asked, wanting to catch up while whisking the pancake batter. She was seated on the kitchen island and more than just a little glad that Clarke was letting her do this. Well, Clarke had asked her to help but Lexa knew it was mostly because she was feeling useless and wanted to do something and Clarke would sense it. It was a little weird, her motor skills were…a little off and even mixing some batter felt almost foreign to her brain. That was normal, supposedly, because of her brain injury and if anything, little things like this would help with the healing and recovery.

They were in the living room now, had been for a couple of hours; Lexa feeling very much at home and surprisingly comfortable and relaxed as she laid on the couch watching TV. Clarke was on the armchair to the side of the couch, her couch, as she sketched away on her sketchpad. This was the first time since Lexa left that Clarke actually _wanted_ to draw, wanted to create, wanted to do the thing she loved. Having Lexa back home was like having a piece of herself back, and given how the morning had gone, Clarke was feeling good, she had a good feeling that things were improving – and yes, there would still be bumps in the road but ultimately, it was going to get better.

Clarke was in her own little world now, Lexa too, as they went about doing their own things – Clarke focused on her drawing and Lexa paying attention to the new season of _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_. She was a few episodes in, five if she had been keeping count, but the episodes were short so it made it easy to pay attention and stay engaged. As the episode she was watching ended, Lexa brought her head up to look at Clarke, she was still drawing and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder how she paid attention to the same thing for hours. Lexa reached for the remote and clicked out, “Hey?” She called out to Clarke.

“Yeah?” Clarke looked up from her notebook, her eyes finding Lexa who was sitting up.

“I’m going to go outside for a bit.” She said lightly, picking up the crutch from the floor before pushing herself to stand up. “Get some fresh air.”

Clarke nodded at her, “Yeah sure,” Lexa seemed alright, not like she was upset and needed to get away but just that she wanted to go outside. A good portion of the summers tended to be spent outside, Lexa loved their backyard and she had redone it all after buying the house. The patio, the fencing, the barbeque area, it was a lot of work but Lexa loved the outdoor and she wanted their backyard to be _perfect_. “Don’t forget your jacket.” Clarke reminded as Lexa finally stood up steady on her feet. “It’s freezing and I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Won’t forget.” Lexa replied with a gentle smile, stepping up to Clarke before leaning down and kissing her forehead.

Clarke smiled up at her, hand brushing against Lexa’s arm as she straightened again and slowly made her way out of the living room. She heard her footsteps and the soft sound of the crutch on the hardwood floor going towards the back door. There was a pause, telling Clarke Lexa was putting her jacket on, and then the sound of the door opening. More footsteps, then the click of the door closing.

Clarke couldn’t help but smile to herself, Lexa was already doing so much better and this was only their actual first day at home. She looked more comfortable, more at ease, and just generally _lighter_. There weren’t any incidents since the issue with Lexa’s leg last night, and even then, the rest of the night had gone very smoothly. It seemed to only be better since they woke up, Lexa was in a much better mood than Clarke had seen since she had returned. And honestly, just watching Lexa walking around the house and being herself was more than enough to make Clarke feel content. She was more withdrawn the month at the hospital and hotel, stayed in one place or wherever Clarke was because that wasn’t _her space_. But this was, this was their home, this was where she felt safe, and well, Clarke was expecting to take a bit longer for her to get used to being home but it seemed like Lexa was taking well to it. Of course it wasn’t exactly like it was before, Lexa was still recovering and healing, and that was absolutely fine but it made Clarke happy to see her so much more comfortable.

By the time Clarke finally put her sketchpad away, done with drawing for the day, it had been close to half an hour since Lexa stepped away to go outside. Getting up and making her way out of the living room, Clarke walked up to the kitchen and filled the kettle before putting the water on boil. The back door was through the kitchen and while the water came to the boil, Clarke opened it and poked her head outside. Lexa was on the small couch on the patio, sitting back and just enjoying the fresh air; it was a little cold but she looked peaceful and Clarke wouldn’t help but take a moment and just watch her.

“Hey,” Clarke finally called out, Lexa turning her head to look at her. “Do you want tea or hot chocolate?”

Lexa thought for a moment, “What are you having?”

“Tea.”

“Same for me.” She gave Clarke a small smile in thanks, Clarke returning it before nodding and stepping away, “Oh Clarke,” Lexa called back, making Clarke poke her head back out. “Bring a blanket too?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wasn't that cute? wasn't that a cute chapter? *sigh* lexa deserves it, after everything she deserves it. but lol don't be fooled there's more angst to come because well, there's loads she needs to work through. and there's a lot of things she hasn't talked about yet, not to mention the thing that clarke doesn't know about ya know? so yeah. but for now. enjoy the fluff. if you read Unexpected, there's a bit of angst coming lol so this is to make up for it. 
> 
> thanks for reading and let me know what you thought


	17. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Lexa's second day in captivity. It's not very pretty, and Lexa is kind of stuck in the past for a minute before finally being pulled out. But it's not as easy as just snapping out it, because it brings back so many vivid memories and even physical sensations that Lexa doesn't know how to explain. Clarke is worried, uncertain of what happened or where Lexa zoned off to. But what she knows is something is wrong and Lexa doesn't want to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not a pretty flashback. it's kinda graphic but like not too explicit imo. so like, proceed with caution you know the themes of this fic and the archive warnings. trigger warning for homophobia i guess, that's the only one that's not listed in the archive warnings for the whole fic. Ps pls make sure you read the warnings to the fic before reading it.

* * *

* * *

_It was her second day here. As far as Lexa could tell anyways, she was just barely in her senses. They had her locked away in some sort of isolation chamber; there were no sounds, no light, and from the little Lexa could feel around her, there were just walls, she couldn’t even find a door or any sort of opening. Not that it made much of a difference because she found herself sitting against one of the walls and doing her best to not whimper or cry in pain. The explosion had been bad, Lexa didn’t remember much of it other than the blood and blinding pain that eventually knocked her out. But it felt like her skin was burned; her face, her arm, her sides, they were all screaming in pain but Lexa had no way of seeing herself to know how bad the damage was. Not only that but there had to have been internal damage; she couldn’t so much as stand up without crying out and Lexa was dreading to find out what whoever on the other side of the walls was going to do to her._

_When the door finally opened – a latch on the ceiling actually – and two men dragged her out, Lexa felt her body go rigid in an attempt to fight the pain she was feeling. She wasn’t entirely sure what was worse, the way her insides were throbbing in pain or the way her skin felt from being burned when they held her, but she knew that being moved hurt, hurt more than it did the past day. Lexa wasn’t quite present, not enough to analyze her surroundings like she was trained to - everything hurt too much for her to be able to focus, her mind was cloudy, and her vision blurry. They seemed to drag her into a room, rundown and dirty with cracked tiled floors, before letting go and Lexa fell to her knees, unable to keep herself up._

_“Commander,”_

_Lexa’s head turned to her side at the voice. A wave of relief washed over her as she recognized the person it belonged to, it was Corporal Ryder, one of the three soldiers she was on patrol with. “Ryder? Where’s everyone else?” He looked bad, about as bad as Lexa expected herself to look. His skin was burned badly, there was dried blood and dirt caked on the side of his face, and that was only what Lexa could see, god knows what else was hidden by his clothes. He was still in uniform - much like herself - but it was bloodied and dirty, some rips from the force of the explosion._

_“They didn’t make it.”_

_Another voice replied from her other side. It was Sergeant Quint. Okay, that was bad news but at least she wasn’t alone._

_Their conversation was cut short when a group of three men returned to the room - they must have been right outside the door, although Lexa didn’t even remember them leaving, they wouldn’t leave three trained soldiers alone. They were armed, sub machine guns slung around their shoulders and once again Lexa was too preoccupied with the pain she was feeling to get a proper read on them or their weapons. Before long, the three of them were being pulled up to their feet, one of the three men searching through each of them, looking into their pockets and jackets for any personal belongings. It was clear that they didn’t have any of their weapons on them, but it seemed like they left everything else on them._

_Lexa froze at the way the man’s hands were roaming over her body. He was feeling her up more than searching her like the others were doing with her male counterparts. His hands ran up the inside of her leg, going a little too high and Lexa could swear she saw him smirk before moving to search behind. But that wasn’t even that bad considering he slipped his hands under her shirt. It made Lexa’s heart pound, a sick feeling growing in her stomach as rough foreign hands moved along her skin. Her breathing grew shallow, she wasn’t entirely sure what felt worse, the feeling of her burned skin being touched or a very hostile stranger cupping her breasts in front of his equally hostile friends._

_“Found a picture.” The man was finally moving away, the other’s seemed to be a lot quicker with their search of Lexa’s soldiers. She couldn’t help but wonder when he actually searched her – he seemed a little too busy groping her instead._

_“Let’s see,”_

_One of the other men asked and Lexa’s heart dropped. She knew what it was, it was a picture of her and Clarke that she kept in her jacket pocket. She didn’t leave base without it, hell she didn’t leave her room without it. It was her good luck charm, it was her way of staying close to her, close to her heart. And now it was...in their hands._

_“Who is this?” The second man asked Lexa but she didn’t answer. “Looks like a girlfriend.” He said to the first man._

_“Oi Commander,” The first man called out, Lexa finally bringing her eyes up to look at him. “Are you gay? Is this your girlfriend?”_

_Lexa didn’t answer. She didn’t feel like she had to, besides she had no intention of speaking at all to these guys. Maybe she was too far out of it too actually pay attention and do the things she was trained to – like analyze her surroundings, her captors, look for exits, and weapons she could see – but rule number one of being captured was to stay quiet and Lexa could remember at least that much._

_“She’s not a talker,” A third voice called out, another one of the men but he was easier to discern from the others as he was bald – the other two looked very similar._

_“Those are always the fun ones.” The second man spoke, there was a malicious smile on his face as he approached Lexa. “This is just a simple personal question, yet you refuse to talk.” He said to Lexa. “We have a lot more interesting ones for later, this is easy, not even that important.” But she was just glaring at him, determined not to speak but the punch to her stomach came without any warning and Lexa was doubling over from the impact._

_“All we’re asking is if you are gay.” The bald one added. It seemed like they had no interest in the two other soldiers. But from the way they were behaving, Lexa had a feeling the person in charge wasn’t amongst these guys, they seemed to just be entertaining themselves – so far, no one had asked a single relevant question._

_When Lexa didn’t answer, there were two more punches; another to her stomach and the next to her face. She could take a punch, on a good day it was no big deal. But when Lexa was certain she had already been bleeding internally, and when her face had been burned by an explosion that killed two of her people, she couldn’t really take a punch and was falling back to her knees. “Yes.” Lexa choked out her answer, she could already feel the blood in her mouth. Her voice smaller than she thought it would be but well, after everything, she didn’t know what else to expect. “I’m gay, happy?”_

_The three men shared a look of disgust before the one who had searched her spoke, “Who is that in the picture?”_

_“My partner.”_

_Great and now they were smiling. “Well, boss isn’t here yet,” The bald one said to the others who nodded, “We got some time to kill.”_

_The one holding the photo of her and Clarke looked between it and Lexa, mulling over his thoughts before nodding to his associates. “Maybe we’ll find a way to fix this,” He held up the piece of paper to the other men, “We got her for a while, right?”_

_The other man nodded, “No one’s coming for them, not here. They might as well be dead.”_

_“Come on, you.” The one who had searched her went back to grab her by the arm and yank her up to her feet._

_“What?” Lexa looked around in a panic, she knew where this was headed, it was clear from the moment he touched her the first time and the way they were talking only confirmed it._

_They laughed, they actually laughed at her tone. “It gets boring here,” The one holding her up spoke, dragging her towards the door she had been brought in through. “Just us guys.” Lexa’s heart was pounding, a lump in her throat as she tried to keep her cool. “But between us, I think we’ll be able to fix you up by the time we’re done with you lot.”_

_The panic kept rising in her chest, using what little strength she had to resist but it wasn’t much, probably not even enough for the man to notice. She felt helpless, almost as much as she did waking up in a black empty space. Lexa kept looking around desperately, wanting someone to step in, someone to stop him because Lexa knew she had no power right now. Maybe she would if she was at full strength, maybe then she’d have a chance but not only was this guy twice her size but he was armed and had backup. Maybe even more than the two other men here, she didn’t know how many of them there were, they had already mentioned their boss not being here yet._

_“Take these two to the cells.” The man called out to his partners, giving them a wink before walking away. “I’m taking her to my quarter.”_

_She struggled down the hallway, resisting as much as she could but the man dragged her effortlessly. Lexa wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings, that wasn’t on her mind right now, right now she was just scared and anxious and panicking about what was to come. But if she was paying attention, she would know this was an abandoned office space that had most likely been a warehouse given the layout before it was converted. It was clear from the walls, and the floorings, but it was all rundown and dirty, almost like something bad had happened here from the structural damages. But that made it the perfect location for a rebel base. Only, Lexa had no idea where this could have been – if she was paying attention to this now – from all their intel, there was no place like this anywhere around – they would have known about it, so this had to be very far away._

_Reaching a door Lexa could only assume was his room, the man pulled it open before shoving her inside. He closed the door behind him, finding Lexa already fallen on her knees, she didn’t have the energy to stay upright. “Please don’t.” God, she was already begging. Lexa didn’t think she would crack this easily but then again, this wasn’t really an interrogation, was it? This was just personal._

_“Do you have any idea how long it has been since we had a woman here?” His voice made Lexa want to throw up, it sent shivers down her spine and gave her the urge to run off. “And after seeing that, I couldn’t wait much longer.” He added in reference to the picture of Clarke and Lexa. “It’s not right you know? But maybe I can, uhh,” He pulled Lexa up to her feet, her jacket was already gone and she was left in a t-shirt and work pants. “Fix this,” He was looking Lexa in the eyes, holding her gaze no matter how hard she tried to look away. “Now,” He reached into his utility belt, pulling out a fold-out knife and pressing the little button to open it. “Are you going to take that off,” He pressed the tip of the knife at her chest, pointing to her shirt. “Or do I have to?”_

_Lexa didn’t respond, did her best to glare at him but the fear were probably evident in her eyes. There was no way she was doing anything this creep asked her too. What was about to happen was inevitable, but it didn’t mean she had to give in. So the knife dug a little deeper, the tip pressing into her skin until it had cut through the material of her t-shirt. He pulled it down, cutting straight through the shirt and then bringing it back up to cut through the front of Lexa’s sports bra before he put the knife away and ripped the rest of the fabric and pulled them off of her. Lexa looked away, her eyes on the floor as the man shoved her towards a small bed in the corner. She continued to struggle, continued to resist but it didn’t make much of a difference as he pushed her onto the bed on her front._

_“Please,” Lexa pleaded, a tremble in her voice as she felt him reaching for her pants and undoing it. “You don’t have to do this.” In a matter of seconds, her pants were gone and Lexa was laying on this disgusting tiny mattress, completely naked._

_“_ This _is what nature and god intended.” She could hear him setting down his gun. “A man and a woman.” He was undoing his pants now, Lexa could hear the belt buckle, the button, the fly. “Not whatever the fuck you do back home.”_

_Lexa could feel her heart pounding in her chest, the sickness in her stomach only growing as she finally felt hands on her back. She was struggling against it, and it didn’t take much for him to hold her down before forcing himself inside her. The only noise Lexa remembered were her own cries, her pleas for him to stop. But it didn’t do much good, it didn’t stop him from holding her down and pressing her face into the mattress to keep her quiet, didn’t stop him from repeatedly and forcefully pushing into her. And Lexa couldn’t help but think how often she would have to go through this – any other method of torture sounded…better than this. At least, the others would be for something, they would be to try to get answers out of her or punish her or something. This was for absolutely nothing, this was for entertainment and for pleasure and right now Lexa was no more than just their cum rag._

_It hurt, it just hurt and that’s all Lexa could think the whole time it went on. It hurt to have him inside her, it hurt being held down, it hurt being pressed against something when her skin was burned and raw. God, it just hurt. She tried, she tried to give in, tried to make her body go limp and pliant because maybe then it would hurt a little less. But she couldn’t, she couldn’t help but struggle, help but try to resist. Eventually he was done, Lexa sighing in relief that he at least had the decency to pull-out. It was over, at least for today it was over; but that’s only what Lexa thought. Because the moment he got dressed and left, one of his other pals were here taking his place on top her._

* * *

* * *

“Lexa!”

Clarke’s voice loudly calling out to her brought her out of her thoughts, brought her back to the present from her not-so-little flashback. Lexa blinked a couple of times, shaking her head and readjusting to where she was before looking at Clarke, “Hmm?”

Clarke gave her a concerned look, clearly worried. “Are you okay?” She finally asked, she had been trying to talk to Lexa and get her attention for at least a good minute now. But Lexa hadn’t been responding; she seemed to have been completely spaced out.

Lexa rubbed her eyes as she finally settled back into reality and the images of the flashback started to fade, well, it started to feel more like just a flashback and not like she was right there again. “Yeah,” She muttered under her breath, nodding mostly to herself before her arms came up around her. Lexa hugged herself, almost like she was trying to put a barrier between her body and the rest of the world.

Clarke continued to watch her, watching her posture and the way she was holding herself and withdrawing. It was hard to not be worried right now. “Where’d you go?” Clarke asked her lightly, “You zoned out for a minute there.”

“Nowhere,” Lexa was retreating into herself, bringing her legs closer to her body and trying to make herself smaller, take up less space. “I’m fine.”

“Lex?” She looked worried and anxious, and Clarke wasn’t entirely sure what was causing it. It had to do with Lexa zoning out, that much was clear because she had been fine up until then. Trying to soothe her, Clarke brought her hand up, gently touching Lexa’s arm. But that proved to be a mistake because Lexa jumped at the contact, pushing herself to sit up straight and getting ready to stand up. “I’m so sorry,” Clarke apologized immediately, eyes widening at the unexpected negative reaction as she withdrew her hand. Physical contact usually had the opposite effect when Lexa was feeling like this, it tended to comfort her.

But Lexa was shaking her head, clumsily getting up from the couch and stumbling to grab her crutch. Her hands were shaking, not entirely sure what she was feeling as she managed to grab it and use it to stand up and lean against. “I have to go,” She muttered, eyes on the floor as she tried to step away from the couch and Clarke as quickly as possible. She didn’t want to feel like this, she didn’t want to think about this, at least not in front of Clarke because it would be so so easy for her to slip and tell her what had happened. And Lexa couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t talk about it, she didn’t feel like she was allowed to bring it up without putting herself down. And god, she didn’t even want to think about how Clarke would react to knowing about it. Lexa was convinced it would change the way she saw her, make Clarke see her as dirty or something.

“No, no.” Clarke tried to tell her, “You don’t have to go.” But Lexa was already making her way out of the living room. “Lexa please.” Clarke called out, but she didn’t stop. “What happened? Please talk to me.” But by now, Lexa had already left the room and Clarke could hear her walking towards the back of the house. She would have gone after her, she would’ve followed her out and asked what was wrong because Lexa didn’t have to leave and she could always talk to Clarke no matter what it was about. But it didn’t seem like Lexa wanted that, if she jumped when Clarke touched her, it was pretty clear that she didn’t want anyone in her space right now.

Lexa was gasping for breath as she finally got out of the living room. It felt like she couldn’t breathe, it felt like the walls and floors and ceilings were closing in on her. She needed to get out, she needed to be outside because right now it felt like all the air from the house had been sucked out. Lexa just about managed to stumble to the back of the house without tripping or falling. She felt…stuck, trapped, like she was a prisoner again and only being outside could take that feelings away. At least, she could walk out right now, get some fresh air, look at the goddamned sky even if it was cloudy right now. Doing her best to keep her breathing consistent and steady, Lexa reached the backdoor before fumbling with the lock and opening it to _finally_ step outside.

“I’m not there I’m not there I’m not there…” Lexa kept muttering to herself under her breath in hopes of convincing herself that _this_ was her reality right now, not where her mind had taken her to only moments ago. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to fall and all Lexa could do was stay upright until she reached the patio armchair before collapsing onto it. It was hard to breathe, it was hard to concentrate on the present. Suddenly it felt like she could feel all the places she had been touched, her skin lighting up in burning pain in those places and Lexa couldn’t quite understand how she could physically feel it. “I’m home I’m safe,” Lexa spoke aloud to herself, hoping that hearing it would help her believe. She hugged herself, rubbing her hands over her arms and trying to get rid of that sensation on her skin. It felt dirty, _she_ felt dirty; her body felt like it had been tainted and it could never be clean again, not after the way she had been touched.

.

Clarke was only a few steps behind Lexa, deciding to wait until Lexa had stepped outside before so much as getting up from the couch – she didn’t want to make her feel any worse than she already was and it was very clear that she wanted to be alone. Making her way to the back door, Clarke stood on the other side of it, not opening it no matter how much she wanted to. She could hear Lexa outside – the patio furniture was only a couple of feet next to the door – she was trying to talk herself down. Clarke wanted so badly to go out there, to hold her and comfort her and kiss her and do whatever she could to make her feel safe. But it seemed like this was all she could do; if what happened a little while ago was anything to go by, leaving Lexa alone was the only way Clarke could _help_ – it didn’t feel much like helping though. So Clarke just stood there and waited, listening and hoping for some sort of cue from Lexa to go out to her because she didn’t want her to have to deal with whatever this was alone.

About two minutes passed when Clarke finally realized Lexa hadn’t taken a jacket with her. Sure it wasn’t the most important thing to her right now, but it was to Clarke; it was January and well below freezing outside – besides, given Lexa’s injuries, being exposed to the cold for too long would only make her ache later on. Pushing away the urge to just barge outside with a jacket or a blanket to warm her up, Clarke decided to let a bit more time pass before she went out to her. So instead, Clarke decided to put the kettle on for some water. She decided to make some tea for Lexa and herself, then grab her something to warm up before going outside. It would take a few minutes, and that would be enough time to let Lexa be alone and calm down enough to see Clarke. She’d leave her alone for longer if that’s what Lexa wanted, as long as she needed, Clarke just wanted to make sure she was comfortable. But she’d do that once she made sure Lexa was at least warm because she didn’t want her to be in pain later tonight.

Once she had two mugs of steaming tea sitting on the kitchen counter, Clarke left the kitchen to grab a blanket from the living room as well as her own jacket. Picking up the mugs and the blanket now draped over her arm, Clarke made her way to the back door and pushed the handle down with her elbow, being careful to keep the tea from spilling. Stepping outside, she could see Lexa sitting on the armchair with her head in her hands, crying softly. Clarke let out a small breath, her chest aching at the sight as she approached carefully. “Hey, baby.” She spoke softly, not wanting to startle Lexa as she set the mugs down on the wooden coffee table and the blanket on the armrest of the chair Lexa was sitting on.

Lexa didn’t respond, well it seemed like she wanted to but all that came out was a strangled sob.

“Baby? What’s happening?” Clare knelt down in front of Lexa, looking up at her desperately. “What’s wrong? Please tell me what I can do.”

Lexa finally brought her face up, eyes red rimmed from crying but the rest of her face drained of color only partially due to the cold. “Can you stay with me?” Lexa managed to ask, her lips trembling as she watched Clarke with pleading eyes.

Clarke nodded, “Of course.” She gave her a comforting smile, resisting the urge to reach out and place her hand on Lexa’s knee. “I’m here.”

“Just…” Lexa started, hands shaking as she picked up the blanket and draped it over her shoulders. “Not too close.” She added. “I want you here but I…” Lexa rubbed her hands over her arms under the blanket, her words getting lost as she tried to warm herself.

“Don’t want to be touched.” Clarke finished for her, nodding understandingly and Lexa gave her a grateful nod. “That’s okay.” She pushed herself back up from her knees, stepping back and sitting down on the small two-seater couch next to Lexa’s armchair. “I’m here, alright?” Clarke placed her hand on the armrest of the couch, wanting Lexa to know she could reach out if she wanted to but there was no pressure to.

Lexa leaned forward and picked up the mug, cupping her hands around it and sighed at the warmth. She brought it to her lips and blew on it before taking a tentative sip. Clarke watched her with a soft look in her eyes, watched as Lexa leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes for a moment. “Thank you.” Lexa muttered quietly, not needing to say anything else as the two of them sat there. Her mind was finally back in the present, but it was still difficult to brush away the memories and even sensations that came back with that flashback. _I’m okay, I’m safe_. Lexa tried to remind herself. She was, she was okay now, she was safe. But why was it so hard to convince herself of that, why was it so hard to actually feel like it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm kinda new to writing stuff like this, and this is kinda pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. like. not that it makes me uncomfortable. i want to write it but i keep holding myself back coz i don't want it to be??? too icky??? idk how to explain it. but i wrote out the flashback scene like three times because i needed to get the vibes icky enough. anyways. thanks for reading. let me know what you thought.


	18. New routines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little lighter than the last chapter. Lexa is feeling better today, it's also her first time heading outside since being. She's not entirely sure about it given the very visible scars on her face but it's still another step in normality. There are setbacks sure, but there's also progress, there's still steps forward and this chapter really shows that. Being back home now is different and things are different but they're starting to find new routines and how things work for them now. Some other things though, seems to be very easy to fall back into the old routines of, like making breakfast in the morning or getting dressed before going out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed all the chapter names if anyone even noticed lmao. last chapter was. heavy. and dark. so i thought a little lightness was called for. i mean. as light as it can be with fic but its mostly a nice chapter i promise. there's only a couple of small moments that are sad but its mostly good.

Today was the first day since getting back that Lexa actually left the house. Four days back home, no one being here for a month before that, they were running a little low on any sort of food in the house. So it was a no brainer that they needed to go grocery shopping but Lexa wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to go. She didn’t want to say home alone, and well, the thought of going out somewhere – even if it was just to their local Walmart – actually sounded nice. The part that she was iffy about was, well, being out in public; walking could be hard sometimes, talking at the moment wasn’t really Lexa’s strong suit, and there were some very visible scars over her body – _namely her face_. Today had been a good day so far though, physically anyways because her leg was feeling quite good; it had been settling in since getting back.

Finally putting on clothes that weren’t sweatpants or pajamas felt oddly…comforting. It was another step towards getting back to normal, made her feel like she was moving forward and not just stuck where she had been the day she got home. They had moved back upstairs to their room last night too; and although it was a little difficult climbing the stairs, the moment she had stepped inside, Lexa felt a huge wave of calm and security wash over her. It was also the best night’s sleep she’d had in a year. Right now, they were both getting dressed, a little surprised at how easy it was to fall back into their old routine of it as Lexa stood by her end of the closet and Clarke by her’s.

“Clarke,” Lexa called out, she was standing in her jeans and an undone bra. Clarke turned to look at her, dressed about as much as Lexa in addition to a t-shirt. “Can you give me a hand with this?” She motioned to her back, asking Clarke to hook her bra.

“Yeah, sure.” She stepped up to Lexa’s back, reaching up to move her hair out of the way before hooking the clasp on her bra. Clarke brushed her fingers against Lexa’s back, grazing lightly against the long scars. “You good?” She asked her lightly, stepping away as Lexa picked up her flannel shirt and slipped her arms into it – her shoulder had definitely made the most progress since getting back.

“Yeah,” Lexa turned around to look at her, giving Clarke a soft smile. “I’m good.” Despite what had happened when she was held captive, not for a moment did Lexa feel _unsafe_ or uncomfortable around Clarke. This wasn’t the first time since being back that Clarke had seen her mostly naked, she had multiple times at the hospital and then at the hotel, and of course at home. Lexa wasn’t entirely comfortable with anyone else touching her or seeing her when she was at the hospital, but if anything, after seven months, she had gotten _used to it_ , or at least she had learned to ignore it or just give up and not fight it anymore. But yeah, of course it was different with Clarke. This was _Clarke_.

Clarke returned the smile, her hands going to hook on the belt loops of Lexa’s jeans and gently pulling her closer. “You look good.” She let go of Lexa, glancing up at her face to make sure she was comfortable before going to button her shirt. Clarke missed the small flash of relief in her eyes as she looked down at her working hands. Lexa’s hands were still a little shaky, and her fine motor skills were…not great at the moment; she wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to button her shirt because there was no way she was going to get her fingers to cooperate. She wasn’t going to admit it, but trying to do small and almost _intricate_ actions like this, made her head hurt from trying to concentrate and force these complicated movements.

Yesterday had been alright, but the day before that was rough, really rough and Clarke still didn’t know what it was about. But today had been good, Lexa was a little anxious when Clarke said they needed to go out for groceries – she offered Lexa to stay but she didn’t want to alone. They were starting to get into a routine, some parts of it new, some of it going back to how it had been before Lexa left. Like breakfast, it was always Lexa who made breakfast when they were both home, she liked to cook, liked being in the kitchen so it was nice that she was starting to get back to it. So Lexa made breakfast today, Clarke offering a hand but letting Lexa be in charge; eggs, bacon, toast, nothing fancy but Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t miss a good breakfast. Yes, she could cook, just about enough to survive but it wasn’t anywhere being _good_. Lexa on the other hand though, was very much the opposite.

Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hand as she finished buttoning her shirt, holding them there before Clarke could pull them away. “Thank you.” Her voice was quiet, just barely audible as Clarke tilted her head up to look at her. “For everything.” It was quiet in the room, no sound other than each other’s breaths as Lexa looked into her eyes, it was so easy to get lost in them, to get lost in those blue oceans when Clarke looked at her. There was so much love there in Clarke’s eyes, and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder how she managed to look at her the same way she did back before all of this.

Clarke placed her hands flat on Lexa’s upper chest, letting Lexa hold her wrists as they continued to just look at each other. It felt like the whole world disappeared around them and all that there was, was just them. She had missed her, she’d missed her incredibly and for months Clarke had no idea if Lexa was even coming back. But now she was here, only inches away from her and all Clarke could do was just…watch her. It had been a month since she was back yes, but being back home was still new and there was something different about being so close to her right now when the world was quiet and the sun was shining on them through the cracks in the curtain. Clarke leaned in, closing the distance between them as she kissed Lexa softly. “I love you,” She whispered against her lips, Lexa not waiting before kissing her back. It was soft, and it was slow, it was everything they had missed and everything they wanted more of. It was a reminder of how things used to be, and it was also enough to make them both believe that no matter how much things had changed, there would always be certain things that they could always turn back to.

.

They sat in the car in the parking lot, the engine off as they pulled their jackets on and got ready to leave the car and go inside. But Lexa looked…hesitant, she was looking at herself in the rearview mirror, uncertainly touching the side of her face that was scarred. She wasn’t sure she wanted to get out the car, wanted to be seen by other people; people stared, they always stared – people at the hospital did, and at the hotel, the airport too. Makeup didn’t help too much in hiding it, evened out the color but it didn’t do anything to mask the change in texture. She tried some concealer and foundation before leaving but it did close to nothing and Lexa ended up wiping it off. Her skin was uneven and leathery and rough, some patches were darker in color but that was an easier fix than the bumps.

“Are you alright?” Clarke asked her carefully, watching how Lexa was studying her face.

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded, not sounding entirely convincing. “It’s just…” She swallowed the lump in her throat, bringing her eyes away from her reflection and turning to Clarke. “This doesn’t bother you?” She asked her not for the first time. “My face looking like thi-s doesn’t b-bother you?”

“No,” Clarke shook her head, “Of course it doesn’t bother me.” She reached up, gently brushing her thumb against the side of Lexa’s face. “I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it, okay? But it doesn’t bother me, not the scars on your face, not the ones on your arms, not the ones on your body.”

Lexa forced a smile, trying to believe what Clarke was saying. “What about when people stare?” Clarke was about to object but Lexa stopped her, “They do, you know they do, you’ve seen it.” Lexa sighed, shaking her head slightly and casting her eyes down. “People s-stare, and they talk, and- and they look at us an-” Her breathing was picking up, she was starting to feel overwhelmed. People talked about it, they talked about the scars, and wondered how she got them. Lexa couldn’t help but think they also thought about how someone like Clarke ended up with someone with a face like that.

“Hey, hey,” Clarke tried, she could see her starting to get worked up. “Just breathe,” She brought up her other hand, gently holding Lexa’s face. “It’s okay, everything is alright.” She gave her a small smile, trying to calm her, trying to stop her from panicking. “Baby look at me,” Clarke spoke softly, it was becoming increasingly clear that’s Lexa’s mood could change very quickly.

Lexa’s eyes were watering, her lips quivered as she looked up to meet her eyes. “Why is it…so hard…?” She couldn’t help but ask. “Why can’t I keep a lid on my feelings?”

Clarke only sighed, “Come here,” She leaned across the center console, pulling Lexa into a hug. She relaxed into Clarke’s arms, letting out a long breath. Clarke knew why, and knew Lexa knew why too; it was because of her brain injury, it had done some substantial damage and this was one of them. “We can go back home if you want.” Clarke offered as they pulled apart. “Come back later in the night when it’s not busy.” It was open twenty four hours, so coming by later would be fine if Lexa would be more comfortable then.

Lexa shook her head, “No, it’s fine.” She told her, bringing her hand up and wiping under her eyes before any tears could spill. “It’s noon on a…w-w…Wednesday.” She shrugged. “Won’t be busy.”

“Only if you’re sure.” Clarke told her with a gentle smiling, waiting until Lexa nodded before unbuckling her seatbelt.

Walking into their local Walmart, Lexa was a little surprised at how little things had changed. Almost everything was exactly the same as it was before she left, it was almost like time had stood still here. She felt her mood picking up a bit as they made their way through the aisles, Clarke pushing the trolley and going through the list as Lexa picked up the things they needed from the shelves. It was fairly empty, only a handful of people really given the day of week and time right now – and Lexa was immensely thankful for that. Clarke could see the ease in Lexa’s movement, much different to a few minutes ago in the car and made a mental note to make sure they did their grocery shopping around this time in the week to avoid the busy crowd.

This was easy; this was something she used to do before but unlike most things from _before_ , this was easy and didn’t make her head hurt. Lexa liked grocery shopping, and right now it made her feel useful. They usually did the weekly grocery together, and it tended to go how it was going now with Clarke manning the trolley and the list – because Lexa was bad at making lists, there ended up being either too many things on it and not enough of the important ones – and Lexa picking things out as they made their way through the supermarket. It was calming really, she was doing _something_ but it didn’t require too much thinking.

Thinking was just hard right now, it was hard to do anything that required Lexa to have to use her brain. Like reading as she learned yesterday; it gave her a headache, the letters, the words, the way her brain was working to process them just made her head hurt. It was almost like Lexa could physically feel the cogs turning as her brain processed the markings on the paper and after a page, Lexa gave up. Clarke probably noticed her a little upset or a little off yesterday because of it, but Lexa hadn’t explained much, only that she had a headache – to be fair, that was still half true.

She still hadn’t been to see a doctor – actually the one Dr. Jackson had referred her to – but from back in DC, they had recommended Lexa try to do little things that would get her brain working. It didn’t have to be anything much, maybe just doing some daily vocabulary practice, or reading simple things like magazines or the comics in the newspaper. As useful as the daily vocabulary practice sounded – especially given how hard it was for Lexa to just talk or at least find words she didn’t use too often – she didn’t think she wanted to do that because Lexa had a feeling it would only make her feel worse when she tripped on her words and forgot them. Reading sounded like a safe bet, it couldn’t possibly be that hard, it was just _reading_. But obviously, she was wrong. It was harder than speaking apparently and Lexa wasn’t expecting that.

So yes, getting to be _useful_ today felt good.

“What do we want for dinner tonight?” Clarke asked as they walked through the meat aisle. They had enough groceries for their typical dinners the rest of the week; that’s what they tended to do, make sure they had the staples so they could go for mostly anything they were in the mood for. Lexa would stop by the shop for extra or special ingredients if they needed something for what she wanted to make for dinner that night.

_Oh right, speaking of_ , “Is it okay if I make dinner tonight?” Lexa had been thinking about it lately, this was her thing, making dinner was her thing and she had been making breakfast so she really wanted to get back to another one of those _normal_ things.

“Oh god, please.” Clarke spoke in relief, stopping to talk to Lexa. “I’ve missed your food.” She told her honestly, “My cooking sucks.” They had been getting takeout and premade meals for dinner since they got back from DC; Clarke had been helping Lexa with breakfast, and lunch was light, usually sandwiches or wraps, as was their regular.

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her, “It does not suck.” She tried to tell her. “How do you feel about pasta tonight?”

“Yes!” It was hard to keep her enthusiasm down, Lexa’s pasta sauce was hands down the best thing ever. “Babe,” Clarke started, a bit calmer now, “I always want your pasta.”

A chuckle escaped Lexa’s lip and she rolled her eyes, but it was a nice feeling. It was small things like this that made her feel normal, that made her feel like things were headed in the right direction and would continue to despite setbacks every now and then.

.

Lexa let out a sigh as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror without her shirt on as they went about getting ready for bed. It had been a while now since she had gotten back and it had been even longer since she got her wounds so most of them had definitely scarred. They had stopped by the pharmacy today after getting groceries, Lexa needed a refill on her antibiotics – just one more week and that was it – and she also picked up a tube of scar cream. It wouldn’t fix it, it wouldn’t make it all magically go away, but it would help to some extent at least and it would make them feel a little more comfortable – right now it was all dry and a little flaky and regular moisturizer wasn’t really cutting it. Apparently the scar cream would help with the surgery incisions more than the others, it made sense given that these were newer and cleaner cuts but it would help the others too.

“Hi,” Clarke said casually as she poked her head into the bathroom, Lexa had left the door half open. “You okay?”

Lexa turned her head from the mirror to look at Clarke and forced a weak smile, “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.”

“What’s up?” Clarke asked, stepping inside, watching how Lexa was standing still and stiff with the unopened tube of scar cream in her hand.

Lexa let out a defeated sigh. “It feels weird to touch them.” She admitted in regard to her scars. “I don’t know…” She placed the tube on the counter by the sink, looking down as her hands grabbed the edge for some support. “Feels weird to think…this is my body now.”

Clarke gave her an understanding nod; she wasn’t wrong, none of the scars were even close to being subtle and given that none of them healed right or got any medical attention, it looked even more prominent. It was different, it was very different now, Lexa’s skin felt different under Clarke’s touch, it looked different but at the same, it was still _Lexa_. “Can I do it?” Clarke asked carefully, nodding towards the untouched tube sitting on the bathroom counter.

Lexa tilted her head, looking at her in slight confusion and unsure if she had interpreted Clarke correctly. “What do you mean?” She asked her to clarify, because why exactly would Clarke want to apply cream on her scars? They looked awful, they felt awful, it made Lexa’s stomach turn when she had to touch them.

“I mean,” Clarke started, stepping up to her and picking up the small tube. “Can I put the cream on you, is that okay?” She explained.

“Why would you want to?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask, the words coming out quicker than her mind could catch up with what she was saying.

Clarke shrugged, not entirely sure about the answer but in her opinion, she had no reason not to want to help. This was her partner, this was something she was struggling to do herself, and Clarke wanted to help, that was it. “Why wouldn’t I?” She unscrewed the lid and began to peel away the foil seal, “And don’t even think about saying you’re worried about it making me uncomfortable.” Clarke stopped her before Lexa could, squeezing a small amount of the cream onto her fingers. “Because it doesn’t, it never will.” She started to gently rub it onto a section of Lexa’s back, onto a few of the cuts made there from a whip. “It’s your body, Lex. I know it looks a little different on some parts, but it’s still you.” Clarke pressed a kiss to her shoulder, her hand continuing to work. “And I love you, and honestly, if it’s okay with you I wanna do this every night.”

“Are you sure?” Lexa asked hesitantly, of course it was okay with her. It made her feel a little better knowing there was something she could do about the scars now, it felt like it was something she could do about the effects of the past months. But well, it was hard to do it herself and she missed the way Clarke’s touch felt on her skin. After everything else, after every other person that had touched her and violated her, she almost craved Clarke’s touch. It was soft and gentle, it made her feel safe and loved and at home, it put her at ease almost instantly – most of the time. The past seven months, every physical contact, every time she was touched, it was negative – whether they were for interrogation purposes and Lexa was being beat up or whether it was _after hours_.

“Yep,” Clarke nodded instantly, “Absolutely.” She told her, working the rest of the cream onto her skin before squeezing some more out. “It’ll just be a new part of our nighttime routine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god. i have been so busy lately. we just moved house so i've been v busy with that and getting everything sorted. unpacking is a bitch. and on top of that we don't have proper wifi yet. i was busy all week and barely got to write. i churned out half of this chapter last night and surprisingly??? i'm happy with it. 
> 
> thanks for reading. let me know what you thought.


	19. Outburst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are...difficult. They're never easy but for Lexa, it's a lot harder now than it used to be. Things have been getting better, they're both starting to find a new routine, new things that work for them both. But there's still bad days. Days when Lexa wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and then the rest of the day is...not great. Today is one of those days, one of the worse ones since being back home really. And its a very different emotion today, something Lexa doesn't usually feel and she doesn't really know how to handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> righty o. new chapter here we go. its a difficult chapter, lexa's sad and....angry? angry and frustrated. so yeah, as the chapter suggests, there's kind of an outburst. but yeah. i dont have much to say without giving the chapter away. so yes, hope you like it.

It had been an _off_ day ever since waking up this morning. Lexa had been in a bad mood since waking up, she woke up later than usual, missing her usual morning tea out on the patio. That had become a thing for her, it had been a week of being home and Lexa was starting to get settled into a new routine; she tended to wake up a little before Clarke, then slowly got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen for a mug of tea before grabbing a blanket – that Clarke made sure to leave by the back door every night – and going out on the backyard to sit on the patio until Clarke wordlessly joined her. Okay, a couple of times Clarke had woken up before Lexa in the morning, but she stayed in bed, pretended to still be asleep until Lexa had woken up and gotten out of bed – she just liked being the first one up.

Lexa was always an early riser, always had been, and it made her feel good to still be able to do that – like there was a part of her old self still here and maybe more of it would start to show up too. And being outside first thing in the morning was very peaceful, it helped her get her bearings for the day, slowed down her brain and got it going on the right way. It was quiet and slow and peaceful, and Lexa could just take a deep breath and relax before having to start her day. It made things a little easier, it was becoming increasingly clear how seriously the brain injury had changed things and how much it was affecting her, and Lexa was starting to learn how to deal with it. New things were still showing up, new symptoms, things that ticked her off, triggers, and it was hard, it was really hard to handle it or even understand it well enough let alone handle it. There seemed to be one thing that helped on some level no matter what it was though, and that was the quiet; just being able to take it easy and relax and be in silence helped get her mind in order, it allowed her to slow down.

So when Clarke had woken up to Lexa still in bed, wide awake next to her, she was a little confused. Lexa looked upset, and Clarke couldn’t describe the expression on her face as anything other than just _off_. Clarke had looked at her a little surprised, saying she wasn’t expecting Lexa to still be in bed but she had just shrugged, said she just wanted to stay in bed a little longer because she was tired today. Clarke gave her a worried look, brushing her hair away from her face and asking if she wanted or needed anything. Lexa shook her head, telling her to just give her some time alone and Clarke could go ahead and get started on breakfast. So she did, it was very clear that Lexa wanted to be left alone, and Clarke was more than happy to give her just that.

Now was a little into the evening, Clarke in the kitchen prepping dinner – which again, was out of the ordinary because Lexa had started taking over dinner because she liked doing it, it made her feel more normal, made her feel not as useless as she did every time she needed help with something. Besides it was what she used to do before so it gave her a sense of comforting now, much like being the first one to wake up in the morning. So Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what was going on with her today. Lexa hadn’t even spoken much to her all day, she was quiet and it seemed like whatever it was, she couldn’t talk to Clarke about it. So Clarke was prepping dinner tonight, nothing too interesting; potatoes were boiling for mashed potato, some veggies were waiting to be cut, and currently Clarke was seasoning the chicken before putting in the oven.

Lexa was withdrawn today, keeping her distance from Clarke, not talking to her much, no more than just what was necessary. She was up in the study right now, the door closed and Clarke was a little worried at the moment because she hadn’t heard anything for a while. She knew Lexa was having issues with anything that had to do with focusing and using her mind, like reading or writing, so Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what she was doing up there – she had been there for a while, for hours really. Actually Clarke wasn’t entirely sure when she had seen her last because Lexa had been in there for most of the day it seemed.

The study was upstairs, down the other end of the hallway to their bedroom, it was relatively big, bigger than you’d expect a home office to be so they had split it in half – half was Lexa’s home office, and the other half was an art studio for Clarke. The two halves of the room was night and day; Lexa’s side was more organized, book shelves, files, desk, chair, lamps, and Clarke’s side was painting aisles, canvases on the floor leaning against the wall, paint tubes and pots, brushes, everything kind of just all over the place. The floor was even different, Clarke’s side covered in paint droppings and splashes, and Lexa’s side with the polished hardwood.

Just as Clarke closed the oven door with the chicken inside, a sound of crashing and breaking surprised her. The suddenness of it made Clarke jump – if she was still holding the food, it would be on the floor now – and it took her a moment to make sense of what just happened before reacting. It came from upstairs, and Clarke was bolting for the stairs before giving a second thought to what could have even caused the noise – her only thought was that Lexa was upstairs and something happened. But something falling over and breaking was…unlikely; it wasn’t windy, and the windows were closed anyways so unless Lexa knocked something over, it shouldn’t have broken.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Clarke ran up the stairs and scanned the hallway for the source of the noise. Nothing was broken, nothing was on the floor, so her eyes went up to the doors to the rooms, they were all open save for the extra bedroom – that was empty for now – and the study.

Lexa was in the study, so it must have come from there.

“Lexa?” Clarke rapped her knuckles on the closed door, an urgency in her voice. But there was no reply, only a frustrated grunt coming from the other side. “Baby, what’s wrong?” She asked her, because the frustrated grunt was followed by another sound of crashing against the floor. “Lexa!” Clarke panicked, hand flying to the doorknob to try open it but there was something blocking it and she couldn’t push through. “Babe, please open the door.” This time a suppressed sob made its way through the door to Clarke, doing nothing but making Clarke worry even more. “What’s happening in there? Lexa let me in.” Another noise, this time something breaking on the floor and Clarke pushed the door with her shoulder, another attempt to get inside.

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered, struggling with the doorknob. Something was wrong, there were more noises, Lexa grunting and crying, a few more breaking and crashing sounds as Clarke continued to keep trying to get into the room. The door was blocked from the inside with something, like Lexa had put something heavy like a table or chair or maybe a shelf in front of it to keep it shut. Clarke continued to struggle with the door for a couple of minutes, shoving against it and doing her best to push past whatever was keeping her out. She was worried about Lexa, she sounded upset and distressed and frustrated and…angry. So Clarke had every reason to be worried, Lexa didn’t get angry easily; even after getting back, Lexa got irritated, and annoyed, but not really angry – Clarke could count on one hand the times she had seen Lexa angry.

Finally pushing past the door and practically falling into the room due the force she had behind that last shove, Clarke was quick to find Lexa kneeling on the floor on her hands and knees, breathing heavily and practically growling because it seemed like she was tired out from the screaming and shouting Clarke could hear only minutes ago. “Lexa,” She rushed to her side, noticing for the first time that her hands were bleeding. “Oh god,” Clarke whispered, hand going up to grab Lexa’s wrist, wanting to see how bad the cut was. Her hands were flat on the hardwood floor, on the shards of broken glass cutting into her skin.

“ _DON’T TOUCH ME!_ ” Lexa snapped back, pushing herself back and away from Clarke, putting a little distance between them.

That made Clarke flinch, the tone and loudness of Lexa’s voice was very much unexpected. Clarke pulled her hand back immediately, eyes widening at the reaction she received. “I won’t, I won’t.” Clarke was quick to reassure her, also kneeling down but being careful of the broken glass. “What’s wrong, what happened?”

Sitting back on her legs, Lexa brought her hands up and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hands – getting blood on her face in the process. “Fuck, I can’t do this.” Lexa said mostly to herself, gasping for air as her hands trembled. “I can’t do this I can’t do this,” She kept repeating to herself like a broken record, shaking her head now.

“Please talk to me,” Clarke tried gently, something was wrong. “Lexa you’re hurt.”

There were tears streaming down her face now, shaking her head as she blocked out Clarke. In a way, the pain in her hands were almost comforting, it was a way to keep herself grounded to reality, it was a very real sensation that she could hold on to and focus on – despite the bleeding. “I’m fine.” Lexa replied coldly, just about able to speak past her emotions.

“You’re bleeding.” Clarke spoke softly, not moving from her spot – she wanted to, she really did, she wanted to get closer to Lexa and wrap her arms around her partner. But Clarke knew it was best to give her that space now. Lexa had yelled at her, something that had never happened before this moment; so it was clear that whatever was going on, it was serious, Lexa never snapped like that – not at anyone, let alone Clarke. And Clarke knew her moving even an inch closer would cause Lexa to pull away again – she was starting to calm down, at least she wasn’t hyperventilating again. “Let me see it, please.”

“It’s nothing.” Lexa brushed it off, rubbing her face with her hand, smearing blood all over it. But she didn’t seem to notice. There was a faraway look in her eyes, looking blankly at the floor in front of her, at the broken pieces and discarded stationary from the desk. She had thrown them off the table, practically swept everything from her desk onto the floor once throwing them individually wasn’t enough. She had smashed some other things, a glass paper weight, a picture frame, and after about a minute, Lexa was completely lost and all she could see was a blinding white light and well, it took over.

“Baby please, you’re bleeding.” Clarke tried again, this time tentatively inching towards her.

Lexa shook her head, her eyes cast down as she refused to look up. “It hurts,” She was thinking out loud now, Lexa almost hadn’t realized she was speaking rather than thinking to herself.

“What hurts?” Clarke asked gently. “Your hand?”

“What?” Lexa looked up, clearly confused, looking at her hands for the first time. “Oh,” It seemed like this was the first time she even noticed the blood, it hurt and she had noticed the pain immediately – it was the one thing keeping her in the present right now. But Lexa hadn’t noticed the blood, not until Clarke had mentioned it. “I didn’t…” She shook her head, sitting back on the floor. “I didn’t notice.”

“Let me take a look,” Clarke reached out slowly, offering her hands to Lexa but she only shook her head.

“Please just leave me alone,” The tears were coming back, she was a mess, Lexa knew she was a mess and right now she felt like it too. She was overwhelmed and everything felt like it was too much, she was hurting, and it felt like there was a weight crushing down on her. A sob escaped her, Lexa lowering her head to hide it from Clarke. She didn’t want Clarke to see her like this, didn’t want her to deal with this and Lexa wasn’t sure she wanted anyone to be with her right now. Well she did, she actually wanted comfort and Clarke was the only person who could offer her any. But at the same time, Lexa felt undeserving of it, she didn’t deserve to be held and comforted and taken care of and so she didn’t…want it. She did. But she also didn’t. It was strange, and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted right now.

“What’s hurting?” Clarke asked her instead, keeping her voice soft.

“Everything,” Lexa whispered, not intending for Clarke to even hear her. Another sob broke past her, cries following close behind as she sunk back onto the floor, hands going back on it to keep herself upright.

“Oh, hey.” Clarke reached for her, seeing as her hands went back the broken glass, cutting into her skin again. “Don’t do that, Lex-”

“ _Jus-t l-l- leave me alone C-clarke!_ ” Lexa’s head snapped up at her. Her eyes were red from the crying, tear streaks down her cheeks, a tremble in her lips, blood smudges on her forehead and cheeks. “Just leave,” She sounded resigned and defeated. Lexa was half convinced that Clarke would eventually leave because of…everything with her. She wasn’t who she used to be, she wasn’t like how she was before all of this, and well…it wasn’t really what Clarke signed up for. So as much as she didn’t want to, as much as she wanted Clarke here and to hold her, and make her feel safe, Lexa…felt bad about it, felt guilty about wanting that, for making Clarke _do_ all of this, make her deal with all of this. “You’re going to an…anyway-ys.” Lexa’s voice was low. “So just leave,”

“What!?” Clarke exclaimed. “Baby no,” Her heart ached at it. “I’m not leaving.”

Lexa looked at her desperately, the dam now broken as the tears fell freely. “You will.” It was so small and broken and Lexa was subconsciously moving towards Clarke, her mind seeking the comfort she desperately needed right now.

“No,” Clarke shook her head, unsure of where this was coming from. This wasn’t something Lexa had mentioned before. “God no baby, I’m not going anywhere.” A loud sob raked through Lexa’s body, Clarke unable to help herself from closing the distance and wrapping her arms around Lexa and bringing her close.

“JUST LEAVE CLARKE.” Lexa fought against her and weakly tried to push her away, not wanting to give in because what if all of this gets taken away? What about when Clarke realized how much work this was going to be? When she decided this wasn’t part of their plan? That she could do better?

“I’M NOT LEAVING.” Clarke matched her voice, hoping the loudness would get through to Lexa, enough for her to at least give in. “I’m going nowhere, okay?” Her arms were tight around Lexa, holding her close and trying to stop her from wriggling around to get free – Clarke could read her well enough to know what she needed when she was feeling like this. “I’m here and I will be no matter what.” Lexa cried against her, the fight dying down as she let Clarke talk her down and hold her, the blood from her hands getting on Clarke’s shirt. “I’m not going anywhere, I love you Lexa.”

“I’m not me, Clarke.” She muttered quietly,

“You are you.” Clarke tried. “You’re the woman I love. You’re the woman I fell in love with. No matter what has happened, no matter how much things have changed, I will always love you.”

Lexa stopped fighting it, fighting against Clarke to get free. She clenched her jaws, pressing her face into Clarke’s chest because right now it felt like she couldn’t get enough of her. Lexa needed more, wanted more, wanted to get closer to Clarke, be even closer to Clarke but there really wasn’t any distance between them. Lexa just kept holding onto her, hands searching and grabbing onto the soft material of Clarke’s t-shirt. “Not this Lexa.” She muttered against her, speaking quietly before pulling away from Clarke slowly. Lexa turned her eyes away onto the floor, over to where a broken picture frame was lying. It was of her the day she graduated from the Army Officer Candidate School; dressed to the nines in her mess uniform, the biggest smile plastered on her face and Clarke by her side with Lexa’s arm around her waist, eyes proud and unable to look away from Lexa even for a moment when the photo was taken. “I’m not…” Lexa started, weakly pointing at the picture with shattered glass. “…her anymore.”

“Yes, you are.” Clarke said as she saw what Lexa was pointing at. “Things changed, no one could have predicted the way it went.” She reached back, carefully brushing the glass off before picking up the photo. “But it did,” Clarke held up the photo to Lexa, “But baby this is still you, you’re still you. I know you think that because of what happened you’re broken and can’t be fixed but babe, there’s nothing to be _fixed_ , you don’t need to be fixed.” Lexa had said this before, said how she felt broken and dirty and unfixable. “You’re you, you’re Lexa. Nothing will ever change that.”

Lexa lowered her eyes, “I don’t know…” She mumbled. “This isn’t…who you fe-fell in love w…with.”

“It is.” Clarke gave her a soft smile, looking between the photo and the woman in front of her. “You’re the exact person I fell in love with.” A more serious look came on her face. “I know things have changed Lexa, I know they’re not the way they used to be, and it hasn’t really gone the way anyone could have predicted.” Clarke brought her hand up, keeping her movement slow and gentle as it went up to Lexa’s face. She brushed the back of her fingers against Lexa’s cheek, testing the waters before letting her hand rest there. “But that doesn’t make you any less of who you are.” Her eyes drifted back to the picture, looking at it for a moment before turning back to Lexa; the only difference Clarke could see was the spark in her eyes that used to be there. “I fell in love with you.” She told her, “I fell in love with those eyes, those lips, that nose,” Lexa’s lips curled up just slightly, it might have even been a twitch but Clarke wanted to believe that it was what could have been a smile. “That smile, the way your face feels in my hand.”

“Even with the scars?” Lexa asked after a moment, it worried her, it really did. The scars on her face bothered her more than any of the other ones.

“Yes.” Clarke replied immediately. “Of course, baby the scars don’t bother me. They haven’t since day one.” She has told her that, over and over, but Clarke would tell her that as many times as Lexa needed to hear it. Lexa’s lips trembled, tears filling her eyes yet again as another sob threatened to escape. But this time she fell into Clarke’s arms, trying to contain everything that wanted to get out and her body shook with it. Clarke put the photo down, arms coming up around Lexa and holding her to her chest. “I got you, okay?” She told her, kissing her hair and letting her rest. The tremble in Lexa’s body passed after a moment, and she relaxed against her. “I’m never leaving, I don’t want you to ever think that.” Clarke tried to tell her. “But I’ll tell you again and again and again if you need me to, if you need to hear it, okay?” Lexa nodded against her, Clarke giving her a small smile. “You’re the love of my life, nothing will ever make me love you any less.”

“Love you too,” Lexa spoke, muffled against Clarke’s chest. She sighed this time, sniffling before moving up and away from Clarke. “Sorry, I got uhh blood on your shirt.”

Clarke waved it off, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” But there were very obvious bloody smudges and handprints on her light heather gray t-shirt. “Let’s get it patched up, come on.”

Clarke moved to get up, but Lexa remained unmoving, looking up at her partner. “Too tired to get up.”

Clarke nodded understandingly, standing up nonetheless. “I’ll go get the first aid kit.” Lexa nodded, sitting back and leaning back against her hands – being careful this time to not cut herself anymore, there was a lot of glass and Clarke would take care of it after she patched up Lexa’s hand. “Be careful with the glass, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also a little update here. i'm gonna be updating the fic every other week rather than every week. Same with Unexpected if you're reading that, so it'll be this fic one week and Unexpected the other. i've been really busy lately and i'm gonna keep getting busier because i'm off to uni in a weeks. and i really really really enjoy writing these fics so i don't want to half ass the chapters and rush to get out stuff i'm not happy with. so yep. updates every other week now, hope that's cool i just wanna make sure i'm getting stuff out i would read myself.
> 
> hope y'all liked this chapter, leave me a comment and let me know what you thought.


	20. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their friends are coming over for dinner tonight; Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, and Anya. Lexa hasn't seen them since coming up, and they want to see her just as much as she wants to see them. She's missed her friends and a normal night in with her friends sounds really good, sounds like it'll make her feel more normal, more like herself, more like how things used to be. But she's a little worried about the scars, worried that everyone's going to stare but there's not much she can do to cover it up. And once everyone shows up...well, it doesn't go how either Clarke or Lexa wanted it to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> late update, i know. and i am very sorry. there's been some pretty darn important and drastic changes in my life. i moved out, i started uni, this is my second week here and i'm getting into everything and settling in so i'd been busy as heck. i got unexpected up last week and now here's the new chapter for hollow stars. this chapter is a little extra long to make up for it all. kinda sorta angsty and well, lets just say the night doesn't go as planned.

“You’ve been in here a while babe.” Clarke said as she stood by the open bathroom door. Their friends were coming over for dinner tonight, ten days of Lexa being back home, they wanted to see her. It had been long enough since they had last seen her, they were worried about her and they missed her. Lexa had okay’d it, they had been texting Clarke asking when would be okay for a little while now and Clarke knew Lexa wanted to be alone. But eventually, she had asked Lexa, saying it was perfectly fine if she wasn’t up for it, but surprisingly she said yes; she missed her friends too. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Lexa replied, looking at Clarke through the mirror as she set the tube of concealer on the counter. “I’m okay.” Yes, it was her who had okay’d seeing their friends, but now that they were going to be here in about half an hour, she was having second thoughts. She missed them too, and she really wanted to see them but…Lexa didn’t want them to _see_ her. It was the scars, it was the talking, it was the leg and the crutch and the stuttering and the extra time it took to understand what people were saying sometimes. You don’t get back after something like that scratch free, and Lexa was hoping her friends would know that. But then again, even if they did, they wouldn’t expect the scars, at least not as serious as the ones that were visible.

“What’s up?” Clarke asked, walking inside and going to stand next to Lexa.

“Maybe…” Lexa started uncertainly, studying her face in the mirror. “I’m having…second thoughts about seeing them.”

“Why baby?” Clarke asked, but well, she had an idea. “You were looking forward to it even earlier today.” She was, she wanted to see her friends, it really had been a long time.

It made Lexa think that possibly, around them, she would feel a little more normal, maybe it would remind her of who she used to be before…everything. But that was the thing, and that’s what she was realizing now; she wasn’t who she was before all of this, she wasn’t _normal_. “I know but…” Lexa reached up to her face, rubbing her cheek. “They’re going to stare.”

“They’re not.” Clarke told her, wanting to believe it herself. There _were_ scars, and they were very obviously visible and well, Clarke had told their friends about it so the only thing she could do was hope they wouldn’t stare at them. But she also knew what people could be like “They’re our friends. They’re not going to stare, there’s nothing to stare at.”

Lexa scoffed, “Right,” She pointed at her face, “There is _nothing_ to stare at.” She said sarcastically. “It’s not noticeable. At all.”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed, going up behind her and wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist.

“Come on, Clarke.” Lexa stopped her. “You _know_ how it looks.” She leaned back against Clarke and closed her eyes. “Do they at least…know what to expect?”

Clarke nodded hesitantly, “I mentioned it when we were back in DC, but I didn’t say much, just that…” She continued hesitantly, not wanting Lexa to get upset over it. Lexa didn’t like people knowing her personal business, and this was very personal but Clarke only mentioned it so they’d have a head’s up and not get caught off guard. “There were some scars.” She finally told Lexa. “I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to. I just didn’t want them to show up and get caught off guard and…make you feel worse. I hope that’s okay babe.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s okay.” Lexa told her honestly. “Act-a-…actually I’m glad you did.” She turned in Clarke’s arms, facing her. “Did you tell them…anything else?”

“Nothing else, nope.” Clarke shook her head. “They didn’t need to know anything else, and you don’t have to say anything else to them.” That’s when a new realization hit her, what if they did ask about what happened? What if they asked about the scars and the leg? Because Lexa wasn’t ready to talk about it, she didn’t even like thinking about it let alone talk about it. Clarke knew about the scars she got from the explosions, the leg and her hand obviously, and that the rest were from being tortured but Lexa hadn’t said how _exactly_ she got them. And Clarke wasn’t going to push, she would open up in her own time. It would be good to get it out, and get it off of her chest, but Lexa needed time and that was okay. “If they ask anything you don’t want to answer or talk about, you don’t have to okay?”

“I just want a normal night.” Lexa admitted. “I want to see our friends, have dinner and…feel normal.” She let her head fall on Clarke’s shoulder, sighing and relaxing against her.

Clarke kissed the top of her head, “It’ll be a good night babe.” She promised. “Everyone misses you, I know you do too.”

Lexa nodded, bringing her head up. “Help me cover this up please?” She asked Clarke about her face, she was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt right now but was planning on pulling a plaid shirt over it so the ones on her arms wouldn’t be visible. “As much as you can anyways, I don’t want them to see how bad it really is.”

“You know you don’t have to, right?” Clarke asked her, she didn’t, this wasn’t something Lexa needed to be ashamed of. “You don’t have to cover it up and hide it.”

“I know.” Lexa nodded, “But I-I’m not comfortable with it yet, I don’t if I e-ever will be and,” _Fuck,_ there were tears welling in her eyes again and Lexa didn’t even know why exactly. She hated this, hated looking like this, hated having these constant reminders of what happened to her, hated how she felt, and how her mind reacted to everything now. Like this, how quickly and easily she got upset. “I’m not ashamed of this,” Lexa said in regard to her face, lips trembling before motioning towards the rest of her body, the scars hidden under her clothes. “But I am of all of this.” Clarke opened her mouth to speak but Lexa shook her head, telling to let her finish. “And my face…reminds me of,” She sighed, “Everything else. It’s what started i-it all.”

“Come here,” Clarke pulled her into her arms, holding her against her. “I’m sorry baby.” She apologized for telling her she didn’t have to cover it up, she didn’t have to, but if she wanted to then she could. “Come on, let’s see what we can do.” She said as they pulled away, leading her out of the bathroom. “Go sit down on the bed, I’ll grab my makeup bag.”

Lexa nodded, “Thank you,”

.

They were in the kitchen the doorbell rang, Lexa just finishing up with dinner and Clarke keeping her company, sitting at the breakfast bar. Clarke had offered to order takeout, it was just their friends so it would have been fine, but like before Lexa wanted to cook dinner and it also made Clarke happy to see her getting back into the things she liked to do. She didn’t want to take on much though, so it was _just_ – according to Lexa – pasta in what Clarke calls Lexa’s famous sauce, some garlic bread, and a salad. Everything was done, the sauce was sitting on the turned off stove so they could warm it right before dinner. The doorbell made Lexa pause, suddenly worried all over again as Clarke stood up from her seat and extended her hand out to Lexa. “Come on,” Clarke said as Lexa took her hand, leading her out of the kitchen. “Let’s go say hi to our friends.”

Lexa took a deep breath, nodding as she followed Clarke through the house and to the front door. She couldn’t help but absentmindedly touch her face again, it was still very much visible; the most that _covering up_ did was make the color blend in with the rest of her face, but it was still bumpy and rough – you could tell the skin was damaged one way or another from a mile away.

“You’re fine,” Clarke gently grabbed her wrist, putting her hand down and away from her face. “I promise, it’s fine.” Lexa didn’t look too convinced but another impatient knock on the door brought them out of it, “I’m coming, hold on.” Clarke called out then turned back to Lexa. “Baby you’re beautiful, okay? The scars don’t define you and no one’s going to make a deal out of it.”

“It doesn’t look too bad?” Lexa asked uncertainly. It did look better than it did before Clarke helped slather on a very thick layer of foundation and concealer.

“It doesn’t look bad at all.” Clarke reassured, flashing her a reassuring smile as Lexa took a step behind her and Clarke finally opened the front door to greet Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, and Anya; Bellamy was supposed to come too, but he had texted this morning to cancel, saying something had come up. It had been a good few months since Clarke saw any of them, the last time she even hung out with Octavia and Raven was way too long ago – actually Clarke couldn’t even remember when that was. “Hi!” She greeted cheerfully, hugging Raven, Octavia, then Lincoln as they crossed the threshold and into the house – Anya wasn’t the hugging type. “It’s been forever.”

But all the smiles and cheeriness seemed to drop to awkward silence as they walked into the hallway, coming face to face with Lexa. They didn’t seem to know how to react, thrown off completely at the site of Lexa in front of them. It…wasn’t like before, Lexa wasn’t standing tall and smiling and looking…like herself. She looked small and uncertain, and she was leaning on a crutch – which caught them most by surprise – and there were scars on her face. _Well, this is a great start_. Lexa couldn’t help but think to herself, sighing as she did her best at giving them a smile. “Well, nice to meet you. I’m Lexa.” She introduced herself jokingly, hoping to ease the tension – they were looking at her like a stranger. She mentally patted herself on the back for not stuttering or stammering given how nervous she was right now. “And you are?” Lexa quirked an eyebrow.

It didn’t work. It did the opposite really because suddenly they all looked even more concerned, looking at her worryingly before Octavia spoke. “Oh, Lexa it’s us-”

“Oh my god,” Clarke groaned closing her eyes for a moment before shaking her head at their friends. “No, no. She knows who you are.” Clarke looked…a little annoyed. Okay, they couldn’t _think_ Lexa was being serious. Did they think she had amnesia? They were all standing there like strangers and Clarke was actually a little impressed that Lexa had it in her to make a joke right now. “She’s making a joke because you four are standing there like you’ve never seen her before.”

Awkward chuckles as their friends shared awkward glances before Anya finally spoke. “Well, don’t I feel like an idiot.”

“You’re spending too much time with these two.” Raven quipped, nodding at Octavia and Lincoln.

“Pfft, whatever.” Octavia waved it off, finally turning to Lexa. “It’s so nice to see you Lexa,” She took a step forward, wanting to hug Lexa. But Lexa took a step back, getting away from Octavia just in time to not get caught in her arms. No, she wasn’t great with physical contact, not unless it came from Clarke. It was difficult at the hospital and if the past week was anything to go by, sometimes she didn’t like it even when it came from Clarke.

_Right, I should have given a head’s up about that,_ Clarke sighed. But the awkwardness was back, full force again. Their friends looked a little uncomfortable, they weren’t entirely sure how to react or what to even say to Lexa. Because right now it felt they didn’t know who this was, this didn’t seem like the Lexa they used to know and it was just plain awkward.

Lexa took a step back, “I-I’m g…gonna go to th-” _For fuck’s sake, not now_. She was walking away before she could even finish, her brain firing to find the words she was looking for. “Kitchen,” Lexa finally called out, having walked away from everyone. “Ch-check o-on dinner.” She was walking away as fast as possible, moving as fast as she could to just get away from everyone. This wasn’t what she wanted for tonight, but Lexa would be lying if she said this wasn’t what she expected. And right now all she wanted was to get away and be alone. _Why did I want to do this?_

“Right!” Clarke spoke after a long second, once Lexa was far enough away. “Why don’t we go inside?”

They all nodded uncertainly, throwing a few glances Lexa’s direction before following Clarke into the living room. “Is Lexa okay?” Lincoln couldn’t help but ask, keeping his voice down, not sure if he’d want Lexa to hear that.

“Give her a little space,” Clarke told him honestly. “She’s fine.”

The rest of the night went about just as well. A few minutes later, Clarke went to get Lexa from the kitchen. It took a little convincing, and Lexa seemed already upset but eventually she went back out with her, going out to the living room to where everyone was already seated. They were all in their usual spots, like every other night that was spent together at the house with Clarke and Lexa; Lincoln on the armchair with Octavia on her lap, Raven and Anya on the couch, Clarke’s spot empty next to them, and the other armchair waiting for Lexa.

But that was the only thing that was like before; conversation didn’t flow as easily, no one was meeting Lexa’s eyes even when talking to her, they weren’t talking _directly_ to her as much, they were staring when they thought Lexa wasn’t noticing, and they were just…treating her like a complete stranger. Lexa noticed every little thing, she didn’t talk as much because she noticed how everyone stared when she took a moment too long to answer or finish her sentence. She kept her crutches behind the armchair, out of everyone’s view because the scars were getting enough looks as it was. It was well into the evening when Lexa realized what everyone was stealing glances of on her lap, and that was her left hand – or maybe it was just the bandages on both her hands from that incident the other day. It had been months now, and honestly Lexa was getting more and more used to the missing fingers; yes, it wasn’t nice and it upset her, of course it did, but it didn’t cause much inconvenience anymore. Clarke didn’t make a big deal out of it either, even the first few days, she didn’t make Lexa feel weird about it, she didn’t give it a second thought anymore, it didn’t bother her; she still felt the same when Lexa held her hand or touched her.

Conversation was stilted and stagnant, no one seemed to have much to say and they were all just walking on eggshells around Lexa. If anything, this was getting tiring, Lexa was feeling it and she kind of felt like she needed to go lay down and rest for a while. It was a lot, it was exhausting, and Lexa wasn’t used to this. It was a lot of paying attention, a lot of talking, a lot of listening; things Lexa wasn’t good at anymore, things that took too much effort, things that made her head hurt. But she didn’t want to walk out, everyone was looking at her like she was fragile and like one wrong word or move would break her, so Lexa didn’t feel like validating that any further by walking away to the bedroom.

“Oh god, what happened to your arm?” Raven blurted out. Lexa had absentmindedly pulled up her sleeves; old habits – as she put it, she _had_ to pull her sleeves up, she was gay after all.

“Raven!” Anya glared at her through gritted teeth, an angry whisper as she realized what her girlfriend just asked.

Lexa’s face went pale, her throat closing up at her friend’s question. Her eyes went to her forearms, realizing what she had done before rushing to pull her sleeves back down. Her hands were shaking, and Lexa had to keep her whole body from shaking at that. _I’m so fucking stupid_ , Lexa couldn’t help but scold herself, still pulling at the sleeves although her arms were already covered. She kept tugging at them, pulling it over her hands and trying to hide what _everyone_ had just seen. It’s not like the ones on her face weren’t getting enough looks, _of course_ she had to show off some other ones too. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, they were all staring at the way Lexa was panicking to cover herself up – she had already covered it up, but it was difficult to feel like that was enough. She felt exposed and vulnerable, and right now she felt like an idiot as she kept tugging and pulling at her sleeve.

“Lexa?” Clarke started carefully, she could see her getting worked up and starting to panic. She was obsessively trying to cover up, her lips were trembling, and Clarke was worried this was going to spiral into something bigger. “Baby, hey?” She moved off her seat on the couch, slowly closing the small distance to the armchair Lexa was sitting on. Clarke moved on her knees, staying low and at Lexa’s eye level, she didn’t want to tower over her and overwhelm her. She didn’t care about the way everyone was watching them right now, namely Octavia and Lincoln, Anya was still glaring at Raven who didn’t look like she got why her girlfriend was mad at her.

“Nope,” Lexa shook her head at Clarke, she was right in front of her right now, hands on Lexa’s knees. “I’m fine.” She didn’t need Clarke to comfort her right now, well, maybe she did because Lexa was slipping and she could feel the world starting to disappear from beneath her. Lexa shook her head, hastily pushing herself off the armchair.

Clarke moved away to the side of the armchair, giving her the space to get up. She reached behind it, grabbing Lexa’s crutch and handing it to her. Lexa took it, a little thankful to Clarke for handing it to her. “Do you need anything?” Clarke asked her lightly, she knew not to make a big deal out of things like this. It was a big deal, and Clarke wanted to be there for her, through whatever she needed. Sometimes it was staying with her and holding her and comforting her, but sometimes it was letting her go and giving her space and letting her work through whatever it was on her own.

“To get out of here.” Lexa said in a hastily, taking the crutch and rushing away from the group of people.

“Alright,” Clarke gave her a nod, replying calmly despite the anxiety in Lexa’s tone. She had gotten better at doing that because Clarke did freak out every time Lexa got upset like this but she needed to keep her cool. She needed to stay calm and offer some form of stability in times like this, so that’s what Clarke did – it was hard to at first, it was hard to keep herself under control when things were like this, but she was getting a much better hang of it now. Her freaking out would only add more chaotic and stressful energy to the situation and this really was all Clarke could do to let Lexa feel more in control of the situation. “Call me if you need anything okay?”

Lexa nodded, taking heavy breaths and trying to calm herself even if it was just slightly. Everything and everyone was too much right now, so she was grateful that Clarke could offer some sort of composure.

“Lexa I’m so sorry,” Raven called out as she watched her friend leave. She felt bad, she really did. And Lexa…freaking out came as a surprise, she wasn’t expecting it, and it kind of made her panic.

Lexa didn’t answer, she just stumbled her way towards the staircase, doing her best to not trip over her feet and fall. That was the last thing she needed right now, to fall on her face and make another scene. And Raven calling out only made her try to rush out faster.

“Please just listen-” Raven tried to go after her, but Lexa was already out of the room.

Her heartrate was picking up even more, she felt bad now. She felt guilty for upsetting her friends and causing a scene – because god, she was, and she felt pathetic and embarrassed. But she couldn’t care about it right now, _I need_ _everyone to just leave me the fuck alone_. “I-I need a m-m…min- _fuck_!” Lexa couldn’t help but yell out as she left the room, like they hadn’t been staring at her and giving her pitying looks every time she stuttered or stumbled over her words, or couldn’t find a word she was looking for, or when it took her a second too long to comprehend something.

“Ray, let her go.” Clarke grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her from following Lexa out of the living room.

“No, but she’s upset, you can’t just let her walk out like that.” Raven argued.

“She needs her space,” Clarke stood up finally, “Please just sit down.”

“Actually,” Octavia spoke up, standing up from her seat, Lincoln following close behind. “I think we should get going.”

“Yeah, you guys have a lot going on right now.” Lincoln spoke up. “We should leave.”

She knew what this was about, it was about Lexa. It was about the scars, and the talking, and the crutch, and the way Lexa got upset over that question. And well, it hurt a little. They found it awkward to be around her, they hadn’t been treating her like _her_ , they were talking to her and looking at her like she was damaged goods, like she was someone else, like she was a stranger and not their friend. And maybe Clarke hadn’t gotten over how all their friends were ready to accept Lexa was dead a couple of weeks after she was declared missing. That bit still hurt, and maybe she wouldn’t get over it any time soon. “Oh come on,” Clarke tried to keep the irritation out of her voice. “Dinner’s ready and in the kitchen, stay a bit longer.”

“I don’t think we should.” Anya stood up, “I don’t really think Lexa wants us here.”

“Just say it.” Clarke bit out. Because Lexa did, Lexa really did, she had been looking forward to it all day. But since the moment everyone showed up, things hadn’t gone the way they had planned. “It’s you guys who don’t want to be here.”

“That’s not tr-” Octavia tried.

“Save it.” Clarke stopped her, “I’ve seen the way you guys have been all night, okay? You don’t need to try now.” She told them. “The way you talked to her, looked at her, hell you guys have been staring almost constantly.”

“Clarke,” Anya started. “Things are different, you can’t deny that.”

“Things are different, yes. But Lexa’s not. It’s still Lexa, she’s still your friend and it’s…” Clarke sighed, giving up, what even was the point because it seemed like they had already decided. “Whatever, if you wanna leave, just go.”

“We’re really sorry,” It was an empty apology. “We’re trying, we really are. But it’s…not that easy.”

“God, it must be so hard for you.” Clarke rolled her eyes sarcastically, letting herself fall back on the couch, shaking her head. She had been living through it everyday, of course it wasn’t easy. It was difficult to see the love of her life, her partner, her best friend, her everything hurting like that and going through what she was. But it was never hard to treat Lexa as herself, it was never hard to look at her like the woman she fell in love with and nothing less. What even was so hard about sitting down and making conversation with their friend? Why was that so hard? They couldn’t even look at in the eye for god’s sakes.

“Clarke, it’s…” Octavia moved to Clarke and sat down next to her on the couch. “Things are just different now.”

“Of course, it’s different now.” Clarke said, clearly infuriated. “You think I don’t know that? You think _Lexa_ doesn’t knows that?” She asked, looking around the room. “What do you think she’s living through every goddamned day?”

“We want to help, we really do.” Anya tried, standing across from her. “Just…not sure how to.”

“Well, treating Lexa like herself would have been a very very easy start.” Clarke sighed. “That’s all she wanted tonight.” She told them bitterly, her voice raising in annoyance. “She wanted to have a normal night with her friends. It’s been a year since she saw you, she’s been through so much, and she just wanted to spend the night with you guys, have dinner, and have a good time.” It was that simple, it really was, that’s all they had to do.

“I’m sorry.” Lincoln looked down apologetically. “We’ve been trying, really.”

“Sure, whatever. Tonight was a mistake, Lexa didn’t need this, she’s got enough going on as it is.” Clarke sighed, “I think you’re right, you guy should leave.”

Clarke didn’t even bother getting up to say goodbye, or walk them to the door. She sat and waited, she felt angry and annoyed, disappointed more than anything else. But then she heard the door open and close, the soft click of the automatic lock and Clarke finally got up. She slowly made her way to the kitchen to deal with their dinner – they were going to have enough pasta for at least a week, _maybe we can freeze some of it for later_. She wanted to go upstairs to Lexa, see how she was but she wanted some space now, so Clarke could give her that. So instead Clarke put the food away, distractedly getting Tupperware from the cabinets and putting the pasta and sauce in separate containers as well as the salad – the garlic bread was still frozen so one less thing to worry about. With the containers in the fridge, Clarke plated up the rest of the food for herself and Lexa and placed them on the breakfast bar. Hopefully, she’d get Lexa back downstairs for to, if not Clarke would heat it up and take it upstairs.

“Hi,” Clarke said softly as she stepped into the study. Lexa was sitting on the armchair in the corner of the room, the main light in the room was turned off, only the floor lamp turned on by the armchair on its lowest setting. “How are you?” She asked with a comforting smile, walking up to her.

Lexa looked up, giving her a forced smile. “Calmer.” She replied. “Is everyone gone?”

Clarke nodded, her chest tightening at how upset Lexa sounded. “I’m sorry baby.” She knelt down next to her seat, hands going on her arm and rubbing comfortingly. “Is there anything I can do?”

Lexa watched her for a moment, wanting to ask what she had been thinking for a while. “You’re not going to leave too, right?”

“Oh baby, no.” She looked at Lexa with sad eyes, “No no, I’m not going to leave.” Clarke pushed herself up, “Move up,” She said to Lexa, waiting until she scooted over until there was enough space for Clarke to squeeze in beside her. “Hey,” She placed her arm around Lexa’s shoulder, leaning in and kissing her temple, “Listen to me.” Clarke could see the tears escaping Lexa’s eyes, leaning against Clarke nonetheless. “I’m not going to leave you, I never would. I love you baby, nothing would ever make me want to leave.”

“You don’t know that.” Lexa reached up, wiping her eyes.

“I’m never leaving.” Clarke reassured. “I’m so sorry about what happened tonight Lex. I really didn’t know this was how the night was going to go. I’m so so so sorry about how everyone acted.”

Lexa shook her head, “It was my fault.”

“What?” Clarke sat up straight, causing Lexa to move back too. “Why would you say that? That’s not true.”

“Maybe if I was…a bit more normal, more st-s-stabl-le.” Lexa shrugged, “More like t-the person I u-use-d to be.” Her hands came up to her face, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head into it.

“No baby, it wasn’t your fault. You’re you, you’re still you, you’re still Lexa.” Clarke told her again. “I will tell you that, again and again and again, as many times as you need to hear it.”

Lexa sighed, “I don’t like it.” She spoke quietly, finally admitting it. “I don’t like how I am now.” Her voice trembled, speaking mostly to herself. “I don’t like how things are now.”

“Please don’t say that,” Clarke’s eyes welled with tears, it hurt seeing her like that, it hurt to hear her say that. She wanted to fix it, she wanted to make Lexa feel better, she wanted to make her feel like herself again.

Lexa shrugged, clenching her jaws and absentmindedly picking at the edges of the bandages on her hands. The cuts from the other night were still healing, Clarke had cleaned and changed the bandages earlier today. “I just want to…feel like myself again.” Lexa shook her head. “Wh-whe-when I felt…wanted,” She sighed, a little ashamed to admit it. “Needed.”

“Here,” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s arm, putting it around her own shoulders before snuggling in to her side. “Hold me for a while,” She said to her. “Like you used to.” Lexa nodded, her other arm coming up Clarke’s front and around her. “Close your eyes and relax.”

“I can do that.” It felt nice as Clarke melted against her side, Lexa leaning her cheek against Clarke’s head. They remained silent for a beat, silent tears rolling down Lexa’s cheeks. “You’re the only thing that still feels…like it used to.”

“I’ll always be here.” Clarke reminded her. “And I’m always going to want you, I’m always going to need you.” Lexa scoffed. “You still make me feel like you used to, okay? That hasn’t changed, it never will.” She told her. “When you hold me close and I feel your heartbeat against mine, feel you against me, I know I’m home.” Clarke turned her head, looking at Lexa with eyes misted over. “You’re my home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was rough. of course lexa feels awful given how they acted. who wouldn't if their friends treated them like that? but ugh clarke. what a saint. she's so good. she's too good. i love her. its what lexa deserves. the least she could get after the disaster that was this night. anyways, thank you for reading, thank you for waiting for the update, the next one will be on time (updates are every other week now not every week anymore), i'm 95% sure of that because next chapter is a third way done. and head's up. its another rough one.


	21. The spare bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a spare bedroom in the house, a room they had a plan for when they bought the place. A room with a plan, a plan for the future. Plans for when Lexa got back from her tour. But life rarely ever lets you follow through with plans, right? So that brings up the question of what it all means now, what those plans mean now that everything is so different. Lexa opens up a bit more to Clarke, finally brings herself to talk about somethings she didn't think she could. So it's rough, things aren't quite easy at the moment, but it really hadn't been since Lexa got back. But this is new, this isn't something Clarke expected and well, Lexa really didn't expect to be ready to talk about this yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a hard chapter. the first part is them talking about the spare bedroom and it made me really sad to write it. the next is. lexa opening up to clarke about something, maybe you can guess what it is. but yeah its. not an easy conversation. so yeah be prepared for some heart wrenching stuff. also the chapter ended up being longer than i expected.

“We were going to start planning after I got back from my tour.” Lexa said stated as she stood by the door to the spare bedroom, her voice quiet and heavy with thoughts of what could have been. It was just that, a spare bedroom; when they bought the house they had decided they wouldn’t do anything with it just yet and leave it empty, they’d wait until they were ready to start planning for kids and keep this room free for that.

They had talked about it, they wanted kids, they both did, and it was clear from the moment their relationship got serious that they would, one day, have children. But they hadn’t gotten to that point yet, not till very recently. They were ready to have a serious talk about it now and start planning. It was the perfect time right before Lexa left, it was _finally_ the perfect time; Lexa’s promotion, Clarke changing her job to the new school – which paid a lot better –, them buying this house. It was the right time. It was the perfect time. Things had been good, they were steady and stable, life was calm and in order, it was perfect to bring a baby into it.

They were going to start planning after Lexa got back from her tour; they hadn’t talked much about it other than just that they wanted kids, and how now was the right time. They had a lot to talk about, a lot to plan; how they were going to have the baby – adopt, surrogate, artificial insemination where one of them carried the baby, or that experimental method where they used both their eggs and no sperm – figure out a timeline and when they wanted everything to happen, work out the costs for the different methods, there was a lot to do. But it was supposed to be quite simple, Lexa was going to get back from her tour, they were going to start planning for a baby, a new edition to their family, well, they were going to start a family. That was the plan, they had a plan.

But plans mean nothing in the real world.

“Things were so good.” Lexa smiled sadly, “It was supposed to be the perfect time.”

Clarke let out a small sigh as she came to stand next to Lexa. “Plans change.” She kissed her cheek in an attempt to comfort her. “Doesn’t mean we have to scrape it completely. We just…have to postpone it for now.”

Lexa scoffed. “Postpone?” She asked. “With me like this?”

“No baby,” Clarke wrapped an arm around her waist. “You’re still recovering, okay? Things won’t always be the way they are now.” Lexa didn’t seem convinced by it. “You’re already doing so much better, and you’re going to keep getting better. I know there are some things that are permanent but that doesn’t make you any less of you who you are, and it’s not going to make you any less of a mo-”

“No.” Lexa cut her off, shaking her head, there was a lump in her throat and a tightening in her chest. “You don’t know that okay?” She turned slightly in Clarke’s arm to face her. “With the way my brain works now…you can’t know that.”

Clarke looked at her with sad eyes, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead. “Do you still want it?” She asked her, her lips lingering over Lexa’s forehead. “Because if you don’t, we won’t even bring it up ever agai-”

“I do.” Lexa cut her off, nodding, “I want it. More than anything.” She muttered quietly. No, obviously not right now – or even soon – but she did want it. Lexa wasn’t sure if that was the best idea though given everything, given how she was, but god did she want it. The months away took away a lot of things from her, she didn’t want it to take away her shot at a family too.

“Then we’ll do it.” Clarke brought up her hand to Lexa’s chin, tilting her head up to meet her eyes. There were unshed tears pooled in her eyes and god, Clarke just wanted to take the pain away, take away the uncertainty Lexa felt about the future now, take away all the negative and do something, anything, to make her feel a bit lighter. She wanted to fix it, she didn’t know how but Clarke wanted to fix it. It wasn’t a realistic thing to want, she knew that, but this was Lexa, and Clarke would bring down the stars for her. But right now, it seemed like bringing down the stars would be easier. “We’ll put a pin in it for now, we’ll put a pin in the planning and come back to it in a couple of years.”

“What if I get worse?” Lexa asked reluctantly, she didn’t want that to be true.

“I don’t believe that for a moment.” Clarke tried to assure her, “You will get better, you _are_ getting better.” Lexa let her head fall on Clarke’s shoulder with a sigh. “It’ll just take some time. We don’t have to give up on anything.”

“You sure?” Lexa asked quietly. “Not now…but in a couple of years…you’d really want to bring a baby into this world? With _me_?”

“With no one else.” Clarke let out a small sigh, “Come here,” She pulled Lexa into a hug, her arms tight around her and holding her close. “We’ll do all the things we planned to, okay?” Clarke started, her own tears now spilling. “Nothing has ever stopped us, and nothing will.”

Lexa held onto Clarke, arms coming up and around her upper back before closing her eyes. “Not even this?” _Not even me?_ Was what Lexa really meant to say.

“Nothing.” Clarke reassured. “You’re getting better, and you’re going to keep getting better. There are permanent things, yes, but that won’t hold you back. It will take time, and it will take work, I know. But it’s nothing we can’t handle.” She kissed the top of Lexa’s head. “You’ll get a better handle of things, it’ll get easier, every day won’t be as hard as it is now.” Lexa nodded this time, agreeing. “Because baby, I know it’s hard,” There were tears falling now, “I know it’s so hard now; I see you every day, I see how hard it is, but I also see you fighting. And it won’t always be like this, you won’t have to fight to just get through the day.” She saw it, she saw it every day; somedays were better than others, but every day was a battle. The better days were easier to get through, and Lexa was more likely to let Clarke in and support her. Other days Lexa hid it better, kept it more to herself, didn’t let Clarke see how bad it was – she saw it. But on the worse days…well, Clarke knew all too well how those days went.

Lexa’s arms tightened around Clarke, pressing herself closer to her. “It’s hard.” She admitted, tears soaking through Clarke’s shirt. “It’s so hard Clarke.” It was difficult to admit it, but it had been. Sure, there had been better days, but not a single day since getting back had been easy. Okay, they had been easier than the months she was away, but god it was difficult in a completely different way now.

“I know baby.” Clarke spoke past the tears, doing her best to keep her voice from breaking. “I wish I could take the pain away, I wish I could make it easier. I wish I could do _something_.”

“You already do.” Lexa told her. “You do so much…you have no idea.” She wanted to tell her, she wanted to tell her about what happened the months she was gone, she especially wanted to tell Clarke about the one thing no one else knew, the one thing Lexa felt ashamed of, felt like she couldn’t bring up. She wanted to get that weight off her chest, needed to. But maybe that would be the thing that made Clarke pull away, made Clarke realize that none of this was worth it, that she wasn’t worth. What if it made her see Lexa as broken and unfixable and dirty as she felt? “Clarke?” Lexa brought her head up to look at Clarke. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Clarke gave her a concerned look, “What is it?”

“Can we go sit down?” Lexa looked a little defeated, a little uncertain of whether she was even ready to talk about it. Well, it was weird and Lexa wasn’t sure about anything related to this; because she wanted to talk about it and get it off of her chest. But she also didn’t, she didn’t want to ever mention it and just push it down and forget it ever happened. That had something to do with the fact that Lexa didn’t think this was worth talking about, or that she didn’t deserve to talk about it, didn’t deserve to get help about it. It was strange, she didn’t feel this way about any of the other things that happened to her – but well, this was different from everything else, the only reason she was put through _this_ was for her captors’ entertainment.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, unsure of what Lexa wanted to talk about. “Wanna go to the study?”

Lexa gave her a small uncertain nod, letting Clarke lead her away and down the hallway with her hand on the small of her back. Clarke wasn’t entirely sure what this was about, but Lexa looked…apprehensive, hesitant, and Clarke wasn’t sure if she wanted to ask her what this was about right away. Lexa asked to sit down first, whatever it was had to be serious. Clarke had no idea what it could be though, and she was a little worried, she couldn’t help but be worried given the look on Lexa’s face and the tone of her voice. So Clarke wordless led her down to the hallway; the study/office/art studio was at the far end of it.

Silently Clarke led Lexa to the armchair before sitting down herself and pulling Lexa onto her lap and Lexa settled in her favorite spot. This was their serious talk position, it was either here in the study or downstairs in the living room armchair; Lexa on Clarke’s lap with Clarke’s arm around her shoulder, Lexa’s legs draped over her lap, and head leaning against Clarke’s shoulder. This usually meant something was wrong, or it was going to be a very serious talk. So Clarke waited patiently, watching as Lexa fidget with her hands and rigidly sat against Clarke. She was stiff and nervous, not so much as looking at Clarke.

“What is it baby?” Clarke asked after a long quiet minute, “What did you want to talk about?”

Lexa shrugged uncertainly, face hidden against Clarke. “I don’t know how to start.” She finally spoke, voice low and quiet, muffled against her.

Clarke made small patterns with her fingers on Lexa’s shoulder in an attempt to soothe her. “Take your time.” She reached around Lexa’s front with her free hand, intertwining their fingers together.

Lexa pressed herself further into Clarke, wishing she could hide away and disappear. “…I don’t know.”

Clarke let out a small sigh as she watched Lexa, she looked so small and uncertain, almost scared and Clarke couldn’t help but get even more worried as the seconds ticked by. “It’s okay,” She kissed the top of her head, keeping her tone soft. “Just relax, alright? We have time.” Lexa was still tense.

The room fell silent, Lexa finally loosening up and relaxing against Clarke. She closed her eyes, taking slow breaths to keep herself calm and from getting more worked up. It was there, it was at the tip of her tongue, she wanted to tell her, she wanted to tell Clarke, she wanted to get this off her chest and just get it out. It felt like a huge weight on her that she was getting crushed under. But just the thought of saying it out loud made her heart pound and hands sweat. It brought back memories, ones she didn’t want to think about, but it was weighing her down, it was getting harder and harder to keep it to herself. But at the same time, Lexa was worried things would change if Clarke knew.

“I don’t think I can…” Lexa finally spoke, lips trembling as tears started to spill.

“Oh hey,” Clarke could hear the crack in her voice. “It’s okay.” She tried to comfort her. “You don’t have to. You don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to or don’t want to.”

Lexa let out a shaky breath, trying to get a handle on her tears as she spoke again. “Can we just stay like this?” She closed her eyes, burying her nose into Clarke’s t-shirt and trying to breathe her, trying to use it as a way to keep herself grounded and from drifting away and getting lost in those memories.

“Yeah, as long as you want.” Clarke nodded, giving her a soft smile although Lexa couldn’t see her.

She could feel Lexa’s tears soaking in through the material of her shirt. And well, Clarke was only more worried now, she really wanted to know what it was that got Lexa so upset but at the same time she didn’t want to push. Whatever it was had to be serious, it was making Lexa upset and she seemed conflicted about talking about it. So they fell silent, Clarke bringing her hand away from Lexa’s shoulder to stroke her hair instead. She tried to calm her because Lexa’s breathing was starting to pick up and she could feel how fast her heart was pounding against her. Clarke held onto her, kissing her head and stroking her hair, but it didn’t seem to calm her. It was a torturous couple of minutes, silent and tense, it seemed like Lexa was still pondering on whatever she had been thinking. Clarke couldn’t help but think about what it was that Lexa wanted to talk to her about, what she backed off on.

“I was raped.”

“What?!” Clarke’s eyes widened, a horrified and sick feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. A little uncertain if she had even heard her because…no, no, that couldn’t be right.

Lexa didn’t reply, only nodded. This was the first time she had actually used that word. It came out quietly and quickly, spitting it out before she could stop herself. Maybe this was a mistake, maybe she shouldn’t have said it, maybe she should have just stuck to her original plan of keeping it buried deep down until she herself forgot it happened, until it felt like nothing more than a bad dream.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked uncertainly, watching how Lexa was breathing fast and shallow. Her own voice was cracking, worried and concerned and wanting to…know what to do now. But Lexa didn’t reply, she didn’t even respond in any way, only pressed herself closer against Clarke. “Please talk to me,” Her voice wavered slightly, finding it more and more difficult to keep herself together as she watched Lexa. It was hard to not let her mind wander off to what Lexa just said, to keep her mind from being flooded with thoughts and images of what happened. It was _Lexa_ , it was _her Lexa_ , that…couldn’t have happened, not to her. Okay, maybe this had been a possibility from the start, but Clarke didn’t want to think about it, she didn’t want to think about something like that happening to Lexa. So she told herself it didn’t, Dr. Jackson hadn’t mentioned it, Lexa didn’t say anything that could have even suggested this, so Clarke let herself believe it didn’t happen.

Lexa only shook her head profusely, refusing to say anything. She didn’t trust herself to speak right now, not with the way the tears wouldn’t stop, or by the how rapid her breaths were. Instead Lexa only grabbed onto Clarke’s shirt, holding herself as close to her as possible. A quiet sob left her lips, but Lexa couldn’t even hear herself, there was a loud ringing in her ears, everything was overwhelming and too much and Lexa was practically gasping for air.

“Okay, okay.” Clarke tried to soothe her, she could feel her own tears rolling down her cheeks, unsure of what to say or do. But Lexa was crying, choked sobs breaking through her body and her breathing short. “We don’t have to talk.” Her arms tightened around Lexa protectively, trying to steady her because she was starting to tremble right now. “I got you.” Clarke kissed the top of her head, her eyes burning with tears and Clarke squeezed them shut in an attempt to keep the thoughts and images away. It was…not possible, Clarke still couldn’t believe what she had just heard, couldn’t wrap her head around it, couldn’t even begin to fathom that _that_ had happened. “I got you,” She repeated, holding Lexa close, letting Lexa grab onto her shirt and pull at it, trying to be as close to Clarke as possible.

It was a while before Lexa calmed down, or well, she pulled herself together enough to speak. She was trembling, hiccups from the crying as she finally spoke to Clarke, “Can you take me to bed?” She felt bad about asking, but she didn’t have the strength to get up or even move. Every ounce of energy had been drained out of her, if anything she was in the negatives right now. And she needed to lay down, she got tired more easily, especially after anything emotional, it just drained her out. It was hard saying it, the word left a bad taste in her mouth, made her feel like she had been struck down hard enough to knock all the air out of her lungs. And well, Lexa felt a little lightheaded, she felt like she could quite possibly pass out soon. “Please?”

“Of course.” Clarke could always pick her up and carry her, Lexa was on the lighter side. But ever since coming back she had been…a lot lighter; it was scary at first, she wasn’t much more than just skin and bones after returning. It was getting better now, she had been eating more, snacking more, getting more calories in, and Lexa was slowly getting back to her regular body weight. So Clarke gave her a small nod, her hand letting go of Lexa’s hand so she could put her arm under Lexa’s knees while the other stayed around her shoulder. She got up from the couch, Lexa in her arms – okay before Clarke couldn’t get up from a sitting position with Lexa, but it was quite easy right now. She was trembling, her fingers still tightly holding onto the fabric of Clarke’s shirt.

Clarke kissed the top of her head, quietly walking out of the study and down the hallway. Lexa wasn’t looking at her, eyes closed and face pressed against Clarke. She didn’t even noticed they were in the bedroom until Clarke was putting her down on the bed. Lexa let go off her reluctantly, letting her head fall onto the pillow with a sigh. Clarke kissed her forehead before coming back up, reaching for the comforter and pulling it over Lexa. She knelt down on the floor by Lexa’s side, watching her for a moment before speaking. “Do you want to sleep for a while?” She looked tired, emotional situations made her tired, more so than Lexa would care to admit. And sleeping helped.

Lexa didn’t answer, only nodded, her eyes still closed as she felt Clarke’s hand gently cupping her cheek and brushing the tears away. “Can…-” Lexa had to stop, another sob threatening to break past. So Lexa closed her mouth, swallowing it down before trying to continue, “Can we t-talk…about it l-later?” She asked uncertainly, “I’m just…n-not rea…ready yet.”

Clarke gave a small nod, “There’s no rush.” She told her gently, giving her a soft reassuring smile. “We can talk about it whenever you’re ready.”

There was an uncertain look in Lexa’s eyes, anxious, as she hesitantly reached up and placed her hand over Clarke’s on her cheek. “You’re not mad?” She asked her worryingly, but Clarke only gave her a questioning look, unsure of what Lexa meant by that. “That I didn’t…tell you about this f-for so long?”

“No,” Clarke shook, “No, baby not at all.” She gave her a soft smile. “You tell me when you’re ready.” She rubbed her thumb over her cheek gently, “I know the months you were there was no less than being through hell. And I also know I can’t possibly know what that must have been like.” Clarke leaned in, her hand still on Lexa’s cheek as she pressed her forehead to Lexa’s. “But I promise I’m always going to be here. It’s okay that you’re not ready to talk about all of it, it’s a lot.”

“I haven’t…t-talked about- any of it.” Lexa’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

“That’s okay too.” Clarke was quick to reassure her, keeping her voice soft and quiet too. “You go at your own pace, there’s no rush. And I’ll be right here the whole time.”

Lexa nodded against her, swallowing the lump in her throat. She closed her eyes again, doing her best to focus on her breathing and the feeling of Clarke against her. It was starting to work, she was starting to calm down now, it was getting easier to keep herself in the present, feel safe again. “I was scared to tell you.” Lexa finally admitted, eyebrows furrowing as she tried to push past the memories. She opened her eyes, tears welled and waiting to spill, “I was worried that…if you knew…you-” Lexa took in a shaky breath, scared to say what she thought, scared that voicing it might make it true because Clarke was still here and maybe if she said it, Clarke would realize it was true and…leave. “Y-you wouldn’t want to…touch me.” She admitted, pulling herself away from Clarke, putting some distance between them. Lexa almost wanted to push her away right now, it was complicated and she conflicted because as much as she wanted Clarke here by her side, Lexa felt like she needed to push her away. “Or-or be close to me.” She pushed herself further into the bed and away from Clarke. “Or hold me.”

“No, no,” Clarke shook her head, remaining in her spot to give Lexa the space she was looking for. “Why wouldn’t I baby?”

Lexa’s lips were trembling, the emotions building again as her eyes filled with tears. “Because I’m dirty,” Her voice was rising, “And tainted an-”

“No, no, you’re not.” Clarke reached out this time, taking Lexa’s hand in her’s, stopping her from yelling. Lexa looked at her pleadingly, tears rolling down her cheeks, and her breathing heavy. “You’re not.” Clarke told her firmly, wanting her to listen. “It wasn’t your fault.” Her tone grew softer again. “How could you be dirty or tainted?” She got up this time, sitting down on the bed across from Lexa.

“It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my fault…” Lexa repeated mindlessly, shaking her head. She was still laying on her side, but more on Clarke’s side than her’s, keeping a distance between them.

“It wasn’t,” Clarke shook her head, stopping her. “How could it be your fault?”

“Didn’t ha-h-happen to any o-of the guys.” Lexa clenched her jaws, grinding her teeth as she looked away from Clarke and at her joined hands.

Clarke sighed, that was the harsh truth though, male prisoners in situations like this wouldn’t generally go through a lot of the things female prisoners did. But that still didn’t make it Lexa’s _fault_. “So it’s your fault for being a woman?”

“And gay,” Lexa was quick to add, her voice small and just barely audible.

“Oh,” That was when realization hit her, realization that that could have made it worse, could have very much been the reason for it – on top of Lexa being the only woman there. “Was that why…?” _Was that why they did it? Was that why they hurt you? Was that something they thought they needed to fix?_ But the rest of the question remained unasked, she wasn’t quite sure she wanted to know. Well, maybe Clarke already did know.

“It made it worse.” Lexa was grinding her teeth again. “They thought they could _fix me_.” There was a sharp bitterness in her voice and Lexa let out a sigh, letting go of Clarke’s hand before turning around to face away from her. “It was my fault.” She repeated, finality in her tone.

Clarke bit down on her lower lip, trying to stop the tremble. There was an aching in her chest, her heart broke for Lexa more and more with everything she said. But Lexa saying it was her fault, Lexa _believing_ it was her fault was too much for Clarke to listen to; it hurt, it _physically_ hurt and Clarke wanted to take that pain away from her, do something, anything to make Lexa hurt less. “No,” Clarke breathed out, shaking her head. “It wasn’t your fault,” Her voice cracked, trying to blink the tears away, causing them to spill instead. “It wasn’t.” She insisted but Lexa didn’t respond. “What they did to you wasn’t you fault Lexa.”

“Then why do I feel so d-dirty?” Lexa spat out. “Wh- why do I f-f-feel like I ca-n’t ask for help?” Her voice was raising with every question. “Why d-do I-I-I feel like…this is w-what I d-d…deserved?”

“No no no, Lexa-” Clarke moved closer to her, wanting to get through to her, wanting to at least maybe make Lexa consider that this wasn’t her fault. Maybe she didn’t believe it, maybe she really thought she deserved it, and it would take a while for Clarke to convince her otherwise. But the least she could do now was at least get her to consider it, get her to consider the truth – that it wasn’t her fault, it _couldn’t_ have been her fault.

“Stop please.” Lexa shook her head, she sounded breathless and tired. “I can’t t-talk abou-t it.” She rubbed her eyes, refusing to turn back around to look at Clarke. “Not anymore.” Lexa felt a little lightheaded, short of breath, and there was a chill running up her body that made her tremble. It was a lot, it was all a lot and she wasn’t even planning on talking about this. Lexa didn’t know how draining it would be, didn’t think she would be feeling like this by the time she was done.

It seemed like Clarke was picking up on it, because she watched her worryingly. “You’re trembling.” She said instead, her voice soft and quiet, reaching out to place her hand on Lexa’s arm. “Are you okay?”

Lexa shook her head, she wasn’t okay, she wasn’t feeling remotely okay right now. “No,” She muttered, reaching out to grab Clarke’s pillow and hugging it. Lexa pressed her face into it, breathing in her scent and trying to let it comfort her. “I feel sick.” Her voice was small, speaking slowly.

“What can I do?” Clarke asked desperately. “Now. What can I do now to help?”

Lexa turned around to look at Clarke, the motion making her vision blur and Lexa had to close her eyes for a moment. “Make it stop.” She looked at Clarke with tired eyes, red rimmed from crying. “This feeling inside,” The feeling of disgust and dejection and heaviness deep in her heart. “It’s so heavy an-and makes me feel so…dirty and-an…and like I’m worthless.” It made her feel so much more than just worthless, so many worse things than just that. “And I just…” Lexa sighed, “Want it to stop.”

Clarke let out a breath, eyes softening as she reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of Lexa’s face. “I’m sorry baby.” Clarke traced her finger down her jaw, watching Lexa visibly relax at the contact. “I wish I could. I wish I could make it stop, take all the pain away.” She leaned down, kissing Lexa’s forehead softly.

Lexa didn’t let move away, she brought up her hand to Clarke’s cheek. “Stay here?” She asked her quietly, “I’m really tired.”

Clarke nodded against her, slowly coming away. “Yeah, come on, move over.” She moved to lay down on the bed next to Lexa. “You should sleep.”

Lexa moved over back to her side from Clarke’s but not letting go off the pillow she was hugging. Clarke settled in next to her, crawling under the covers and circling her arm around Lexa’s waist. “I don’t feel well.” Lexa had her back to Clarke, letting her hold her close while she hugged a pillow to her front.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked her, “What’s wrong?”

Lexa let out a long breath, the corners of her vision starting to go dark. “Like I’m…going to pass out.” Her voice was breathless, tired and weak.

No, that wasn’t good. But this was a lot, it was too much for Lexa right now. She shouldn’t be doing anything that overwhelmed her, whether it was physically or mentally, she was still recovering. “Okay, just close your eyes.” Clarke told her, her hand going up to Lexa’s hair. “Take a deep breath, and try to relax.” Lexa gave her a short nod, trying to do as asked. “I got you, okay?” She ran her fingers through her hair, gently massaging her scalp.

“Keep doing that.” Lexa told her drowsily. “Feels nice.”

“Okay,” Clarke gave her a soft smile. “You got it. Just close your eyes and try to sleep.”

Lexa held the pillow a little tighter as she closed her eyes. Clarke’s fingers in her hair made her feel more _present_ , made her feel less floaty because Lexa was starting to feel like she was slipping out of reality. She had been talking about _this_ and thinking about it too much today, and it felt like her mind was trying to cope by _not being here_ anymore. But this was helping, Clarke was keeping her here, bringing her back down to Earth, and getting her to calm down. Her touch was soothing, it made her feel safe, and it was slowly lulling her to some much-needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. well that was. rough. that was hard. but this is the first step right? talking about it, opening up about it. so that's good. but i mean. also sad. i feel bad for lexa, she's been through so much she shouldn't suffer anymore right? (says the writer who's making her suffer). anyways, thanks for reading, let me know what you thought.


	22. Opening up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts the day after their talk from the last chapter. There's a bit more focus on Clarke in the first half, she's under a lot of pressure too. It hasn't been easy since Lexa got back but she's been doing her best, only yesterday was a lot and Clarke is maybe having a hard time accepting that happened to Lexa. The second half is a Clexa moment, Clarke applying scar cream to Lexa's back. And Lexa opens up a bit, tells her about the scars on her back and how she got them. For the first time since getting back though, she doesn't feel as awful after talking about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya know what? its time to see how clarke is doing. its time to check in on her. because it has been a lot, she's dealing with a lot too, and it is really hard to see the love of her life hurting like this. so yes, more focus on clarke first half of the chapter. and lexa talks about the scars on her back in the second half. i mean? i guess y'all already know how she got them. but lexa hasn't really talked about any scars specifically until now. at least....i think she hasn't? anyways. angsty chapter. not as much as the last one. but def angsty.

Yesterday was a lot. It had been a lot, it was a lot to handle, and Clarke was…having some difficulty handling it. She didn’t want to admit that but it was difficult, it had been since Lexa got back, nothing about it was easy but yesterday…god yesterday, hearing Lexa tell her that she had been violated, seeing the pain her eyes, hearing the disgust she had for herself, it was too much. It was Clarke’s breaking point; like the rest of it wasn’t bad enough, like it wasn’t bad enough that she had been blown up, and captured, and tortured, no, no of course it wasn’t enough. It was upsetting, and it was overwhelming, and Clarke could feel her chest aching the more Lexa had talked to her about it, the more she told her about what had happened.

She was doing her best to cope with it, to keep herself together and stay strong for Lexa. But the truth was, it was hard now, it was incredibly hard. There was no way Clarke could have ever been prepared for this, and she was doing her best but it was a little overwhelming. She felt a little bad about it, Lexa had it so much worse but Clarke figured she could allow herself to feel how she was feeling. This wasn’t an easy situation, not for anyone, and Clarke had to remind herself that her feelings were valid right now, she was dealing with a lot too. A few years ago, Clarke would have felt worse about how she was feeling, she would feel guilty for complaining, not allow herself to be sad because _Lexa had it worse_ so she couldn’t be _allowed_ to feel bad. But Clarke was in a better place emotionally and mentally, she was more in tune with herself, and that’s why Clarke couldn’t beat herself up over struggling with the situation.

Of course it was harder on Lexa and Clarke knew that, she had it so much harder, and definitely much worse; she couldn’t even come close to imagining the horrors Lexa went through the months she was away. And Clarke just wanted to take it all away, to turn back time and stop it from happening…but she couldn’t, there was nothing she could do to undo the past. It was knowing how Lexa spent those months away, it was seeing her suffering and hurting now, it was listening to her talk about what happened, and it was having to accept all that. That was the hardest part, Clarke had to accept it, she had to accept what happened, she had to accept that Lexa – the love of her life, her partner, her best friend, her fiancée, her _everything_ – had been blown up, then captured, then tortured for months on end in who knows how many ways.

She was still trying to get that to sink it, to actually truly believe and accept all of it. Because it still felt impossible and unreal, Clarke had accepted parts of it, like Lexa getting hurt and being away for so long. But every time she thought she had a grasp on things, there was something new – like their talk yesterday. It didn’t feel real, and every time Clarke tried to tell herself that it _was_ real, to get herself to accept it, she got this sick and horrifying feeling in the pit of her stomach. Because this was Lexa, and Clarke couldn’t quite handle _knowing_ all of that happened to her.

She was standing in the shower now, under the stream of hot water trying to let it sooth her body and maybe clear her mind for a couple of minutes. But it wasn’t really working, the longer she spent alone in the silence with her thoughts, the harder it got to keep her emotions contained. The water felt nice though, it was an escape from reality when she first stepped in, but the longer she spent here, on her own, the harder it got to keep herself in check.

_Raped. She was raped._

A sob broke past her lips as the thought crossed her mind once again. The tears hadn’t stopped, but honestly Clarke couldn’t tell the tears apart from the water droplets right now. She couldn’t stop thinking about it, everything Lexa had told her was playing on a loop in her mind; seeing her like that yesterday, so upset and fragile and small, she couldn’t forget it, Clarke had never seen her like that before. There were moments at the hospital that came close, but it was nothing like she had been yesterday. She felt her knees wobbling, bucking and threatening to give out from under her as Clarke slid down the tiled wall until she was sitting under the shower.

It was overwhelming, it felt like she couldn’t breathe, it felt like the walls were closing in on her, and Clarke felt completely and utterly useless. She wanted to do something to help, to take Lexa’s pain away, fix the past, and turn back the goddamned clock to stop everything that had happened to Lexa. But she couldn’t, there wasn’t anything she could do to fix things and Clarke had to accept that. She couldn’t stop questioning it, questioning how all of this could have happened, why it had to have happened, what Lexa ever did to deserve the pain she had been through – was still going through. They spent almost a year apart, seven of which were spent with no one knowing if Lexa was even alive. Even just the thought of that hadn’t gotten easier, so much time apart, so much time Clarke spent not knowing how Lexa was, months of their lives that should have been important, that should have been spent together and Lexa was just…missing for it all.

The cries wouldn’t stop, her whole was body shaking with them as she brought her hand up to cover her mouth and stifle the sobs. Lexa was on the other side of the door, in their room, getting ready for bed and Clarke didn’t really want her to hear her crying. It was a little past nine right now, they’d had dinner a while ago, spent some time in the living room watching TV while just enjoying the silence in each other’s, before coming upstairs. Lexa then went about getting ready for bed, kissing Clarke on the cheek as she stepped away to the bathroom for a shower.

They had their – _new_ – nighttime routine worked out pretty well by this point; they spent some time after dinner downstairs, cleaning up and making light conversation in the kitchen before settling in the living room couch for some TV – actually it was more about the cuddling than whatever was playing on the screen, but there were a couple of shows Lexa used to watch that she missed out on while she was away so they were planning on catching up on those sometime soon. Then they’d come upstairs, get changed before Clarke applied Lexa’s scar cream for her, and then they’d go to bed. Maybe they’d spend some time relaxing in bed or talking, or they’d go to sleep, depending on what time it was and how tired Lexa was.

It was close to twenty minutes before Clarke finally emerged from the shower. The crying had eventually stopped, the sobs dying down until Clarke was just sitting under the shower stream counting her breaths to calm herself down. It finally worked, finally stopped and Clarke finally calmed down enough to pull herself together to get up and turn the water off. Getting out of the shower, Clarke stood in front of the sink and turned the tap on, setting it on its coldest setting. The mirror was fogged over from the steam, but Clarke didn’t really need to look at herself to know how red and puffy her eyes here right now. She splashed some water on her face, she didn’t want Lexa to know she had been crying.

Wrapping a towel around her body, Clarke finally stepped out of the bathroom. She took a deep breath, calming herself one more time as she closed the bathroom door behind her and turned around. Clarke couldn’t help the soft smile that came on her face when she caught sight of Lexa. She was already in bed, sitting crossed legged and dressed in a pair of cut-off sweatpants shorts and one of Clarke’s sleeping t-shirts – she preferred sleeping in them, it helped her sleep because being surrounded by Clarke’s scent was comforting, it made her feel safe. Lexa looked calm and peaceful, sitting there as she put lotion on her arms.

Clarke usually applied scar cream on her every night, but she didn’t shower every night so tonight was a little different. Lexa didn’t mind it today, she actually didn’t want it tonight, it hadn’t been a great day, not since she talked to Clarke about… _it_. She had been distant all day, in her own little world, and not quite even talking to Clarke as much. She felt vulnerable after opening up about that, and the only thing Lexa could do to hold onto some sort of control was shut down. It was worse last night, the morning wasn’t great either, but it started to get better as the day went on, Lexa finally started speaking again around noon, and Clarke had only smiled, knowing she was working through it on her own terms before kissing her cheek and not making a big deal of it.

Lexa flashed her a smile when she saw Clarke, Clarke doing the same before stepping away to the wardrobe. Wordlessly, Clarke pulled out an oversized t-shirt and underwear before dropping her towel and drying herself off to get dressed – pants were definitely optional when it came to sleeping. Her hair was still damp but not quite dripping before she picked up the towel and walked back to the bathroom to discard it. She returned to the bedroom, Lexa lying in bed now with the comforter pulled up to her chest. She smiled at Clarke, but that faded when she saw the upset look on Clarke’s face.

Wordlessly, Clarke crawled into bed and under the covers, moving close to Lexa before settling in against her. The lights were off now, only a lamp turned on on Clarke’s nightstand and even in the dimness in the room, Lexa could see the hurt look in her eyes. Clarke let out a deep breath, her arm coming up around Lexa who was laying on her back. Lexa returned it, her arm coming up to rest over Clarke’s, fingers gently stroking her forearm. Clarke pressed herself closer to her, face going in the crook of Lexa’s neck, her lips trembling, and Clarke placed the lightest kiss against her.

“What’s wrong?” Lexa asked quietly, her voice just above a whisper. She seemed upset and it was quite easy for Lexa to pick up on it, after all the years together, she knew Clarke’s cues better than Clarke did. “Are you okay?”

Clarke nodded against her, not looking up. “Yeah,” She answered quietly, but her voice gave her away, it was scratchy and hoarse from crying only a few minutes ago.

Lexa kissed her hair, leaning her cheek against her and letting a beat pass before speaking again, “You don’t sound like it.”

Clarke only shrugged lightly, “I’m okay.”

“Talk to me.” Lexa told her gently, suddenly worried. “What’s wrong?”

Clarke remained still for a moment before finally turning her head to look up at Lexa. She found her eyes closer than she was expecting, looking at her with so much gentleness and love, and that was enough for Clarke to tear up again. Her lips quivered, and Clarke really wished she had kept her eyes closed, “I wish I could take it all away.”

Lexa only gave her a questioning look, but she could see the sadness Clarke’s eyes, they were bloodshot and red rimmed and it didn’t take much for Lexa to figure she had been crying. “Clarke h-have you been cryi-ing?”

Clarke didn’t bother answering, Lexa already knew the answer to that. “Just everything you’re going through.” She said instead, explaining herself. “Everything you’ve been through, I wish I could take it away.” Tears welled in her eyes again, shaking her head slightly to try and shake those thoughts away. “I wish I could turn the clocks back and stop it from happening or just erase it, and…take it all away.” She finished with a sigh, shoulders slumping as she watched Lexa; she just wanted to make things okay again, take away the hurt, the pain, stop her suffering.

Lexa let out a slow breath, bringing her arm away from Clarke before turning on her side to hug Clarke instead. “At least I’m home now.” She said as Clarke hugged her back, pressing herself to Lexa. “I’m with you, and I’m home. I know I’m safe.” Her voice was only a whisper this time, and Clarke’s arms only tightened around her.

“I’m sorry Lexa.” She muttered against her. “I wish I could do something. Anything, to make things a bit easier.”

“You already do.” Lexa responded, burying her face in Clarke’s hair.

“But I want to do more. I don’t like seeing you hurting like this.” Clarke told her, “What can I do Lex? What can I do to help, make it a little better, a little easier?” She asked her desperately.

“Just stay.” Lexa breathed out, “Just stay with me and that’s enough.” It really was, it was more than enough really. “You keep me going Clarke.” She told her quietly, “It’s been…hard s-sin-since getting back. But…having you here, next to me thr-th-through it all, it’s,” Lexa sighed, it was only recently that she started to admit that things were hard now. She didn’t want to at first, because it was supposed to be easy now, the _bad part_ was behind her, it was over, she was home now. But it was still hard now, it was very hard and maybe admitting that was the first step to working on it. “It’s made it…a-a little easier.” It really did, it gave her the strength to keep going on the harder days, gave her the push she needed every so often when things got a little too much.

“I’ll be here every step of the way baby.” Clarke nodded, “Through everything.” She brought her head up, kissing Lexa’s jaw, “I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

Lexa was laying on the bed on her front, her shirt off and set aside with a light blanket pulled up waist. Clarke was sitting next to her, applying scar cream to her back. The scars there were long and raised, still very much red, some of them more so than the others depending on when she got them. But they were deep, Clarke could tell that much, a lot of them were healed enough by the time she returned to not need stitches but there were still a good few that needed stitches – they would scar less in the long run.

There was also a patch of her skin that had some off, it was still healing; she had an artificial skin graft over it, and the bandage came off for good only last week. Dr. Jackson had said that wouldn’t scar, it would fade in a few months, but the others definitely would, the stitched ones not as much as the ones that closed on their own. It was very clear how she got them, Lexa had mentioned it too but only in passing, she didn’t really talk about it, like most of the things she had been through the months away.

Applying scar cream was a part of their night routine now, Lexa didn’t like doing it herself, she didn’t like touching them or even looking at them. Clarke on the other hand, didn’t mind it at all, quite the opposite really; she liked doing it because it helped Lexa, and it was Lexa putting her guard down and letting Clarke in. She got to do something, physically help in some way, and it meant a lot to Lexa too, at the start she was more reluctant, she was worried about how Clarke would feel about the scars; she had seen them at the hospital when it was…much worse, but it was all still very obvious and visible. Lexa was just worried about it…making Clarke uncomfortable – she herself got uncomfortable touching them.

“Your back is so dry.” Clarke commented as she continued to work her hands on her skin. “You need to moisturize more.” The dryness was because of her scars, they were almost flaky and itchy; according to Lexa it had been irritating her all day.

Lexa shrugged lightly, “I can’t reach.” That was half true. Lexa tended to skip on her back, it was one of the ones that made her feel worse. The flogging was…quite constant, it happened more often than a lot of other things, it tended to go on for long periods of time – hours, days too sometimes – and well Lexa didn’t like thinking about it. She could put it in the back of her mind and not think about it – _out of sight, out of mind_ , she was glad it was her back and not somewhere she had to see regularly. So touching them didn’t help and Lexa slacked on moisturizing her back; the last time she tried it took her mind back to being back in her little cell, or strung up, or getting beaten up. But Clarke offered tonight, and Lexa decided to take her up on it.

“What am I here for then?” Clarke asked rhetorically, leaning down to kiss Lexa’s shoulder before the room fell back into silence.

It was a comfortable silence, Lexa putting her face back down on the pillow and letting the feeling of Clarke’s hands on her ease her and relax her. There was something about the way Clarke felt against her skin, it made her feel safe and calm, relaxed her and made her feel… _at home_. It was different from the way her own hands felt on the scars; her hands were different now like much of her body, the missing fingers, the callouses, the wounds from the explosions that burned her which were now scared, they reminded her of being away, being in pain, being hurt. She didn’t talk about it, she didn’t like to; her back, her leg, her shoulder, every other scar on her body, she didn’t like talking about them. Clarke had the general idea of what happened, some form of notion of how Lexa got a lot of the scars on her body.

“I think you can tell how I got these.” Lexa spoke quietly, uncertain as to why she was even bringing it up.

No, Clarke wasn’t expecting it, she wasn’t expecting Lexa to say anything at all. Her mention of…being violated a couple of days ago was a lot, and after that Clarke wasn’t quite expecting anything else soon. “What?” Clarke asked quietly, wanting to make sure she had understood what Lexa was actually talking about.

“The marks on my back.” Lexa clarified, her voice low and the words coming out slowly, “I think you can t-tell how I…got them.”

Clarke nodded slowly, not letting her surprise come through as she patiently waited for Lexa to continue. “Yeah I think I can.”

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, unsure of what had come over her but it felt like she had to say what was on her mind right now – she wanted to open up and honestly Lexa didn’t understand why. “They strung me up.” No, she hadn’t talked about it, but the more time she was spending home, the more Lexa was willing to open up and talk about things like this. But maybe this was a good thing, if Clarke was still here after their _talk_ the other day, Lexa didn’t think there was much that could _scare her off_. “Like I was some kind of animal.” Lexa let out a small breath, refusing to look up at Clarke. It was almost like she couldn’t stop herself right now, the words were coming out and Lexa didn’t think she could stop until she had finished.

Clarke remained silent, waiting for her to continue, she didn’t want to rush her. Clarke kept working on her back, her fingers moving slowly and comfortingly, keeping Lexa grounded because she knew how easy it was for her to slip into memories like this.

“They’d ask questions.” Lexa continued. “A lot of times I…didn’t even have the a-an-nswers.” She shrugged lightly, “I wasn’t that high up in the food chain just a…” Lexa sighed; Commander, she was a Commander, that title meant so much to her, she had worked so hard to get to where she was. And one tour with her new title and that was it. Just the thought of saying that was a lot, she used to hear it everyday, that was _her_. But now that word didn’t really mean much, mean anything really, and that hurt. It was just another reminder of what her old life was, what her old self was, who she was and who she was never going to be again. “Commander.” Lexa finally got out with a sigh, her voice no more than a whisper. She closed her eyes as she felt the tears starting to come. “Was,” She muttered to herself this time, “I…was a C-Co…Commander.”

Clarke squeezed her shoulder, bringing her back to the original point and encouraging her to continue, it seemed like Lexa was getting sidetracked. She could hear it in her voice, she could hear how hard it was to say it. Because that was Lexa admitting that that’s who she used to be, that she _was_ a Commander, past tense, not anymore. Yes, Lexa knew that, but that was very much different to saying it out loud.

Lexa cleared her throat, trying to push down the shakiness she was feeling. “They kept asking me questions.” She continued slowly, “And every time I…didn’t have t-the an-ans-answers,” _Dammit,_ it was getting overwhelming and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure why she wanted to talk about this in the first place. “There was…” Her breathing was getting faster, her body tensing, especially the muscles in her back. “A whip t-to my ba-b-back.” There was a quiver in her lips, and Lexa pressed her face into the pillow to hide it. “Again and again and again…” She kept repeating, shaking her head slightly, her voice muffled by the pillow.

Clarke massaged her back, trying to ease the muscles which were stiff and tense now. “You’re not there anymore.” She told her softly.

“I can’t forget it though.” She turned her head this time, looking at Clarke. Her voice was low and quiet, a faraway look in her eyes. “Can’t stop seeing it.” Lexa chewed on her bottom lip, looking away from Clarke as she thought about it. “I can still feel it Clarke,” There were tears pooled in her eyes now, threatening to spill. “My bl-b-blood dripping down my bod-dy,” She brought up her hand, wiping under her eyes to stop the tears from spilling. “The rope…cutting into my wr-wris-wrists.” Lexa paused, unable to stop the tears from falling now. “The whip on my back.” She rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hands, her mind was suddenly getting flooded with images of these memories and she wanted to get rid of them. “Every time I…touch my b-back.” She shook her head, “I can…fe-feel it.”

A beat passed before Clarke’s eyes widened and she pulled her hand away from Lexa’s back, “Oh god,” She had been working on one of the newer scars in the middle of her back. “Do you want me to stop?”

Lexa shook her head, “No,” It was different when Clarke touched her, she didn’t feel all those things, Clarke’s hand on her skin didn’t take her back to the time she was… _away_. It made her feel safe, it made her feel at home; if it brought back any other memories, it was of being home, it was of being touched in ways that made her feel good, of being touched by someone who loved her. “I don’t feel that when you touch me.” Lexa told her, her voice small and quiet. “I don’t know why or how but…” She shrugged. “You touch me…and I feel safe.” Lexa gave her a lopsided smile, looking up at her. “Even places like that.” It was just a whisper this time.

Clarke gave her a smile, nodding understandingly before leaning down and kissing the back of Lexa’s shoulders. Her lips were soft against her skin, a part of one of the scar brushing against her. Clarke kissed her way to her spine and then down it till she reached her lower back. “I love you,” She said quietly, her lips ghosting over her skin before Clarke came back up.

The room fell silent again, Lexa seemed to have said all she had to, it didn’t put her in as bad of a mood as she thought it would. She was relaxed back on the bed again, eyes closed as she let Clarke get back to what she was doing. Lexa was surprised by it herself, she was expecting to get more upset by talking about it, but it wasn’t too bad, maybe it was because she didn’t get lost in that memory, didn’t slip into the past. It was different to last time, maybe this time it was because she said it on her own terms, she was ready to talk about it, or because she didn’t feel guilty for bringing this up, didn’t feel like she wasn’t allowed to talk about it.

“Thank you.” Clarke said as she finished up, picking up the tube of cream and screwing the lid back on.

Lexa turned slowly, lying on her side because she didn’t want her back to touch the bedsheet yet, the scar cream wasn’t entirely absorbed into her skin. She gave Clarke a questioning look, unsure what for, “For what?”

“For telling me.” Clarke answered. “For opening up about this, I know it’s not easy.” She brought her hand up, pushing Lexa’s hair back and out of her face. “But I’m glad you’re finally able to talk about things like that. And thank you for trusting me to tell me about it.”

Lexa gave a short nod, it was good, this was a big step. Maybe today had just been a better day, but she actually felt a little lighter after talking about it. Clarke made it easier, she kept her grounded and from getting lost in it, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarke's going to be okay. she might start seeing someone or talking to someone about dealing with everything. because well, it is a lot isn't it? and lexa's making progress, she's talking about things now, yknow? she finally feels like she can let her guard down sometimes and open up.   
> anyways. thank you for reading. let me know what you thought.


	23. Rainy day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a rainy day, the weather isn't great; it's chilly and damp and all of that seems to be taking a toll on Lexa's body. She's tired, her joints are stiff, her muscles are sore and aching, and every little movement is taking way too much effort. And on top of that, her mood is acting up because of all this too. So all in all, it's not a great day. It's a day that involves naps on the couch and not moving too much. But it's also a day where Lexa needs a little extra help with doing simple things. And well, she doesn't like that, she doesn't like needing help or asking for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its not a light chapter. but its definitely lighter than the last two. the last two were pretty heavy. especially the second last one. so in comparison its much lighter. lexa's having a hard time but its physical this time rather than mental/emotional. and well, she hates asking for help so yeah its not a great day for her. the weather's really bad so that's kinda got her all achy and stiff. but yeah, not an emotional chapter so that's something. i also feel like i haven't brought up the physical stuff in a little while so :))

The weather wasn’t too nice today, it was drizzling outside, chillier than usual, and Lexa was starting to realize that the weather acting up made her whole body act up too. It made her ache, made it hard to move around as much, made her want to spend the day in bed. The more _problematic_ parts of her body were worse of, her shoulder and leg namely; they were both stiff and hurt to move too much. Her shoulder felt weaker, made it harder to lift or even move things, it was inconvenient really given that was the arm that had to hold her crutch. Her leg wasn’t much better off either, it felt heavy and numb, but also sore like it was bruised all over, it made it harder to walk than it already was.

She felt tired, she could feel the tiredness deep set in her bones and all it made Lexa want to do was stay in bed under the covers. Lexa knew it wasn’t going to be great day the moment she woke up, her body felt stiffer than usual, her leg and shoulder were aching, pain flaring with muscle she moved. Clarke could see it when she woke up too, Lexa had a distressed look on her face and well, Clarke was worried. Yes, she was used to Lexa being uncomfortable in the morning, her body tended to be stiff right after waking up and it usually took her a few minutes to stretch and loosen up before getting out of bed. But she didn’t look _just_ uncomfortable today, she looked like she was in pain, so of course Clarke was worried.

But Lexa tended to wake up before Clarke most mornings, she had time to herself then to stretch and loosen her muscles before getting out of bed. Things were getting better for the most part, Lexa had a morning routine that she stuck to and that consisted of her waking up early, making herself a hot drink, and then sitting outside in the backyard, mentally preparing herself for the days. But it was different this morning, Clarke saw it when she woke up, saw how uncomfortable Lexa looked and it wasn’t like her to still be in bed by the time Clarke woke up. Lexa had been up for a while, woke up at her usual time but her body hurt too much to get up. And Lexa could hear it outside, it was raining heavily, so that meant she wouldn’t be able to start her day the way she’d like to.

“Hey,” Clarke said as she turned on her side to find Lexa still there. “You’re still in bed?” She asked her uncertainly, this wasn’t the first morning it had rained since they got back, Lexa still liked to start her day alone and in the quiet – helped get her bearings for the day, helped her mind calm down and get settled.

Lexa gave her a tired look, nodding, “Body’s acting up.” She replied, voice sounding upset. “Everything is…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “Whatever it’s fine.” Lexa sighed, she was feeling off, it wasn’t just her body that was acting up today. Her mood was off too, it was like her brain was mush and Lexa felt upset and tired and irritable all at once.

Clarke touched her arm gently, “Are you okay?”

Lexa nodded, but her expression said anything but. She hated feeling like this, hated how her mood changed so quickly, hated how she got upset for no good reason, hated how she had such little control over her emotions. Her lips trembled, but Lexa turned around facing away from Clarke before she could see it. “Fine.”

She felt Clarke move closer, pressing a kiss to the back of her shoulder. “Do you want me to stay?” Clarke asked knowingly, Lexa liked to be alone sometimes, especially in the morning. “Or do you wanna be alone?”

“Alone.” Lexa muttered, taking a deep breath and wincing at the way her body moved as her chest expanded. “I’ll meet you d-ownst-stai-stairs in a little while.”

Clarke gave her a nod, leaving her be as she got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Lexa was still in bed by the time Clarke came back into the bedroom, the comforter pulled up to her face, practically completely under it like she was trying to block out the world. Clarke gave her a worried look, leaning down and picking up the hoodie she discarded last night before bed – no Clarke wasn’t the tidy one in this relationship, not in the slightest. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

.

Breakfast was ready by the time Lexa finally came downstairs, her movements slower than normal and it looked like every step was causing her pain. She was usually the one who made breakfast, and if for some reason she stayed in bed till later, Lexa still offered to help Clarke with it. But today was different, she went straight for the breakfast bar, stumbling onto the bar stool as fast as she could to get off her feet. Lexa let out a sigh, not catching the way Clarke was watching her worriedly before setting a plate of food down in front of her. They ate in silence, Clarke glancing over every couple of seconds, and Lexa not doing much more than just pushing her food around the plate.

Her shoulder hurt today, it hurt the way it did the earlier days at the hospital, when it was hard to pick up even the smallest things. On top of that, her right hand seemed to be developing tremors so it wasn’t the easiest using that for small things like maneuvering a fork. Her right arm sustained about the same injuries and trauma as her other side did, so this wasn’t a surprise, but earlier on, it had been her left hand so if Lexa expected tremors, it was from her right hand. There weren’t any serious injuries to her right arm or shoulder, like her left shoulder had been dislocated – there were missing fingers there too – so the only explanation for the tremors was that it was being caused by her brain trauma. She was told it was one of the things she could expect, there were still new symptoms showing up so Lexa wasn’t sure why she found it to be unexpected. But well, it was inconvenient, her left side wasn’t great, so she was hoping at least her right hand would be more _useful_.

Once they were done with breakfast – Lexa’s plate almost completely full – Clarke cleared the table and practically forced Lexa out of the kitchen and into the living room to go sit down on the couch. She helped her walk out, taking the crutch out of Lexa’s grip when she heard her very audibly wince the moment she leaned against. Instead, Clarke let Lexa grab her arm to support herself; letting her lean against her side to walk her out and to the living room couch. The crutch took effort, it was one of the reasons Lexa hated it so much, it was even difficult to grab it given the missing fingers on her left hand, the shoulder didn’t make it easier either. Just everything about it was inconvenient, and then there was the obvious reason or not liking it, that being how Lexa didn’t like _needing_ the help to do something as simple as _move_.

Clarke had a few chores to do around the house after breakfast, some cleaning, some tidying around, but she went in to check on Lexa after finishing up in the kitchen. She was seated on the couch watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel – something underwater, probably squids if Clarke knew her fiancée. She looked quite drawn into it, all her focus on the screen and Clarke couldn’t help but smile as she approached her and kissed her cheek. “Alright, legs up, get comfy.” Clarke told her, she wanted Lexa to relax, if she was in any sort of pain, she should be lying down or, more ideally, in bed.

Lexa did as asked, but instead of bringing it up on the couch, she stretched them out in front of her, resting her feet on the coffee table. She didn’t say anything, only smirked at Clarke – feet on the coffee table were not allowed in this house – with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Yeah Lexa was in a better mood now than right after she had woken up, her body was still definitely acting up, but at least her brain had settled down and she was feeling better.

“Funny,” Clarke deadpanned, shaking her head at her but it was nice to see her in a better mood. “On the couch dummy,” She gently tapped her upper arm with the back of her hand.

Lexa shrugged with one shoulder – the right one, the one that didn’t hurt. “Hurts to bend my leg.”

Clarke moved to help her this time, “Come on, lie down babe.” Lexa gave her a small nod as Clarke’s hands went on either sides of her, gently moving her to help her lie down. “Alright, I have some stuff to do, do you need anything?” She asked as she stood up, about to step away.

Well, there was a bit more to do around the house now because not only was finally Lexa back home, but she couldn’t really help out with chores. Clarke didn’t mind it, she had a whole year of doing things on her own without Lexa, and now all that mattered to her was that she was back; she wouldn’t change anything, she didn’t have any complaints. Other than the obvious, which was the fact that Lexa was hurt and had been through so much; Clarke’s only complaint was that she couldn’t fix things, that she couldn’t make it better for Lexa. Lexa had offered to help out with chores, but there was no way Clarke was going to let her, Lexa needed rest, she needed to not strain herself. She helped with the cooking, and that was more than enough, she tended to help with the cleaning too afterwards, but Clarke made sure she took it easy and didn’t tire herself out. She was recovering, she was healing, she needed to take things easy.

“Do we have any Advil?” Lexa asked Clarke.

“Yeah,” She nodded, “Want me to get you some?”

“Please.”

Clarke nodded with a smile before walking away, returning only a minute later with a glass of water and two pills. Lexa took them from her gratefully, swallowing one at a time rather than both at once. Her gag reflex was off too – of course it was – swallowing pills were hard and Lexa couldn’t count the number of times she almost threw up at the hospital when taking her numerous pills. She was just more sensitive to a lot of things, things that used to be easy, things that she didn’t have to think twice about before that weren’t quite as simple now – and swallowing wasn’t the only thing.

It was things like having to notice her movements and having to pay more attention when she was cooking; small movements were harder, stirring sometimes hurt her wrists, made her hand cramp every now and then. It was taking too long to get out of bed because her body hurt and ached in the morning after waking up. It was needing to start her day off alone and quite because otherwise the rest of the day would be too overwhelming. It was needing to catch her breath after climbing the stairs, or having her head hurt when she tried to read something, or the way she jumped when there was a sudden loud noise. Yeah, things were different now.

By the time Clarke had come back downstairs after finishing cleaning upstairs, Lexa had dozed off on the couch. It was a little chilly, and Clarke couldn’t help but sigh before picking up the blanket that was draped over the armrest of the couch. Lexa had her arms around herself, no doubt cold, and Clarke only shook her head before unfolding it and placing it gently on Lexa – the blanket was right there. She pulled it up over her arms, watching as she snuggled into it and let out a content sigh. She needed the rest, Clarke had a feeling Lexa didn’t sleep too well last night, she could feel a lot of movement next to her. And Lexa didn’t seem too great when she woke up either, Clarke wasn’t entirely sure why but then again, there were somethings that things acted up without much reason. Like Lexa’s leg, thankfully that had been mostly fine since they got back home; that intense shooting pain she got was completely random, but it had only happened once since getting back, so Clarke saw that as a good sign.

Once Clarke had finished her work downstairs too – there wasn’t much, the dishes needed to be put away from the dishwasher, and the laundry needed to go into the dryer – she made her way back to the living room to Lexa. Clarke settled on the armchair with her sketchbook and a charcoal stick. The quiet moments were nice, Clarke had missed them so much, a lot of their weekends were spent like this, especially if they’d had a busy week. So now there was a certain comfort in moments like these, it was familiar and safe, it was finally seeing Lexa here and peaceful, it was being able to sit in the same room as her and draw and just relax without having to worry about how or where Lexa was. The seven months Lexa was missing was no less than hell, Clarke didn’t know a moment of peace, every second was spent worrying and being afraid and anxious. But she was here now, she was safe, and Lexa looked comfortable and peaceful as she slept only a couple of feet away from her.

.

“I think it’s the weather.” Lexa said as she looked up at Clarke, wincing quietly as she turned to lay on her back. It was past noon now, Lexa having woken up not too long ago. Clarke was sitting on the couch with her, Lexa’s head on her lap and Clarke running her fingers through her hair. “It’s cold and rainy and…” She stirred lightly, moving her shoulders to loosen them – no, sleeping on the couch didn’t help much, she really should have just gone to bed for a couple of hours. “I’m like an old person.” Lexa joked, “Joints hurt,” She sighed, “Muscles hurt.” Clarke leaned down, kissing her forehead, “Everything’s a-achy.”

“Do you want me to get your painkillers?” Clarke asked, the Advil apparently hadn’t helped. Lexa somehow managed to doze off but after waking up Clarke had asked if the medicine had helped and it hadn’t. She hadn’t offered Lexa her prescription painkillers yet, she didn’t like to take them unless she absolutely _had to_. And that tended to be when her leg hurt unexpectedly, she hadn’t taken them since the day they got back home, but the pain seemed to be bad today, so it might help if nothing else had so far.

But Lexa shook her head, it wasn’t quite that bad. She didn’t really like how they made her feel, made her brain work slower than it already did, made her foggy and sleepy and tired. “There’s…something el-se you might b-be able to do though…” She started hesitantly, uncertain about asking.

“Sure, what do you need?” Clarke asked, not needing to think twice about it. But there was a hesitance in the way Lexa asked.

Lexa looked away for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before opening her mouth. “Can…you…?” She started hesitantly, but stopped herself, shaking her head, “Forget it,” Lexa turned away, moving to lay on her side again so she didn’t have to look at Clarke.

“No, no, what is it?” Clarke asked her. “What do you need?”

But Lexa only shook her head, “Nothing,” She was going to ask Clarke to stretch her leg, the way Alie had demonstrated back when she was at the hospital. She had said to do the stretches every now and then, a couple times a week, and well, maybe Lexa hadn’t done them even once since getting back home. Clarke had asked a few times, especially in the first week but Lexa kept refusing, saying she was fine so Clarke had let it go, it didn’t seem that Lexa liked being asked about it and Clarke didn’t want to upset her. But maybe it would help today, okay maybe it would have helped if she’d done the stretches at least a couple of times since she got back but she kept refusing Clarke and now she felt bad about asking.

“Come on,” Clarke tried, hand still playing with her hair. “What is it? You know you can ask me.”

Lexa wiggled her body slightly. “Can you…” She gave in, sighing as she finally answered. She turned again to lay on her back, slightly embarrassed at having to ask her, “Can you…stretch my leg…?” She asked uncertainly.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” Clarke answered immediately, nodding at her. “Like Alie showed back in DC?” She asked, about to get up.

Lexa nodded slowly, “Please?”

“Yeah baby of course.” Clarke gave her a small smile, wanting to reassure her that it was completely fine. Lexa looked hesitant about asking, it seemed like she felt bad about needing to ask; well Lexa always felt bad about asking for things. She felt like she was being needy or a burden, not just now but this is how Lexa had always been like. So it was especially hard now, she needed help with a lot of things, and as much as Clarke picked up them, well, she couldn’t read her mind, she didn’t always know what Lexa needed. And that meant Lexa had to ask, which she hated so much. “Come on, get up.” Her hands went on either sides of Lexa’s arms, helping her sit up. “Wanna go up to the bed or on the rug?”

“Rug’s fine.”

“I’ll just move the coffee table out of the way.” Clarke gave her a small smile, getting up and stepping up to the coffee table. It was in the middle of the rug, and Lexa needed to lay down flat – Clarke had a feeling her shoulders could do with some stretching too – so it had to be moved out of the way for her to be able to lay down on the floor. It was a small table, so it didn’t take much to push it out of the way and towards the armchair so there was enough space for Lexa. Once it was out of the way, she reached back on the couch and picked up a cushion for Lexa’s head before setting it down on the rug.

“Come on,” Clarke got back up on her feet, helping Lexa up from the couch and watching how Lexa grimaced with the movement. She got up from the couch slowly, keeping her movements controlled as she leaned against Clarke for support and balance – god she felt worse than she did before her nap.

“Fuck,” She couldn’t really stop the groan as Clarke began to lower her down to the floor. Lexa’s face scrunched up as pain flooded through her lower body and she squeezed her eyes shut.

“Nope,” Clarke stopped, it was the way her knee was bending that was making it hurt. “You’re way too stiff, you can’t even get down.” She pulled her back up, Lexa standing up straight and letting out a whine this time – bending her knee caused her muscles to stretch so now that she was upright again, the sharp pain was dulling down again.

“Yeah,” Lexa rasped out, shaking her head. “Can’t bend my leg.”

“Tell you what,” Clarke sat her back down on the couch. Once seated, she grabbed her ankles and picked it up on the couch for her to lie down again. “You stay put, I’m going to run you a nice hot bath and that’ll loosen up the muscles.” She offered. “And then I’m going to get you into bed and stretch your legs and also possibly your shoulder if you want.”

Lexa had her eyes closed, breathing slowly as she waited for the pain to subside from just moments ago. “That sounds really great.” She finally answered. “But Clarke,” Lexa opened her eyes, giving her a sad smile. “I can’t go upstairs.”

The bathroom downstairs didn’t have a bathtub, it was more like _half_ a bathroom attached to the guest room. But both the bathrooms upstairs had a tub, didn’t really help right now because Lexa couldn’t go up the stairs. “Right, tell you what.” Clarke sighed, reached down and rubbing Lexa’s arm comfortingly. “I’ll get you the hot water bottle instead and maybe a warmer blanket for your leg. Then I’ll give you a massage to loosen things up and hopefully help with the pain before we can do the stretches.”

Lexa only watched her in silence, she really hated how _needy_ she was being right now. She really just wanted to hide under this flimsy blanket and block out the world and just deal with the pain on her own. It wasn’t _that_ bad, it hurt to move and it hurt to bend her leg, her shoulder hurt when supporting herself on the crutch – but that wasn’t _that bad_ , it wasn’t like when her leg started to hurt. She could deal with this, she should be able to deal with this on her own. She was being needy and weak and Clarke didn’t need to bother with this as much as she was; Lexa felt bad about it, Clarke had been worrying about her since they woke up and well…she didn’t need to, Lexa should be able to take care of it herself. “You don’t have to.” Lexa muttered quietly, a slight tremble in her voice. “I’m okay.”

“Hey,” Clarke sat down on the edge of the couch. “What’s up?” Lexa clenched her jaws, shrugging lightly. “Let me help you.” But Lexa closed her eyes and turned her head away and Clarke wasn’t sure what had changed suddenly – it was only minutes ago that Lexa was asking her to help stretch her leg. _Okay, right_. That’s why she was upset now, because she had _asked,_ Lexa didn’t like asking for things, it made her feel weak, made her feel like Clarke would get annoyed, or tired of her. “You know I don’t mind you asking if you need something.”

“I don’t.” Lexa replied coldly, slowly turning around to lay on her side and face away from Clarke. “I d-don’t need a…a-any-an-…fuck this,” She sighed. “I’m fine.”

Clarke let out a sigh, wanting to speak up and tell her again that it was fine to ask for things, it was okay to need things, it didn’t make her weak. But it didn’t seem like Lexa wanted to talk. So instead Clarke got up from her seat next to Lexa and walked away, Lexa wanted to be alone.

Lexa felt the couch move, felt as Clarke got up and heard as she walked away. She let out a shaky breath, kicking herself for the way she spoke to Clarke a second ago. Of course she got up and walked away, of course she left, of course she got sick of it _left_. She felt bad, she felt awful, and right now Lexa just felt all alone because the only person she could turn to just walked away. And that was her fault, she was being too much, she was being needy, and snappy, and cold. All Clarke was trying to do was help, she was just trying to help her and make things a little better, but Lexa only shut her out and pushed her away. And now she was regretting it, she felt bad about it, she felt guilty, this wasn’t how she should’ve behaved with Clarke.

But a couple of minutes passed and Lexa heard footsteps coming back, she didn’t say anything as she felt Clarke lean down and place the hot water bottle under her bad leg before draping a blanket over her. _Oh_ , Lexa thought to herself, _Clarke didn’t leave_ , no she went away for a few minutes to get some things for Lexa. God, she felt so bad, she got irritated and pissy and Clarke only stepped away to make her more comfortable. Clarke didn’t say anything, wordlessly ran her hand over her leg, smoothing the blanket down before leaning in and kissing her temple. Lexa was still turned away from her, not speaking but Clarke could hear the shaky intake of breath and it didn’t take much to tell her that Lexa was crying.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa muttered quietly, her voice just above a whisper, not having it in her to turn to so much as look at Clarke. “For the way I-”

“It’s okay.” Clarke stopped her, “You don’t have to explain.” She stood up straight, taking a step back. “Do you wanna be alone or do you want me to stay?” She asked her gently, if Lexa needed to be alone, that was fine with her. Lexa wasn’t having a great day, Clarke could do that little bit if it was going to help.

She didn’t want to be alone, but at the same time she needed some space right now. Lexa felt needy and weak and maybe some space would help her feel better about it. It was still hard to accept that she needed help now, she was never good with that and now there were days she couldn’t quite get by _without_ asking for help. She didn’t like it, and it would take a lot more time to get used to it let alone feel okay about asking. “Just…a little space.” Lexa answered. “Don’t leave.”

“Okay,” Clarke gave a small nod, taking a step back towards the armchair. “I’ll be right here.” She told her, taking a seat. “We don’t even have to talk.”

Lexa nodded, still turned away before muttering quietly. “Thanks.” She was grateful for it, she wanted Clarke here but she needed a little space after everything today. Lexa felt weak, she hated asking for help and she had one too many times today so she needed a little breather, needed to be alone to regain some sort of self-respect. Yes, she shouldn’t be but she was ashamed of herself, she felt fragile and small and needy.

Lexa had always been very independent, she got through most of life on her own – not by choice but she did it – she could take care of herself, and she could take care of the people around her. That’s what made her so good at her job, it was intuitive, she took care of her soldiers, of the officers under her, she was capable doing things herself. And now not being able to even take care of herself for a few hours, or do small tasks was taking its toll on her self-esteem. Which in turn was effecting her mental health too – on top of everything else and well…things just weren’t easy. And Lexa wasn’t quite sure if they’d ever be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the next two chapters planned out and i got the story progressing so i'm pretty excited. ok spoiler but the next couple of chapters will be heavy and rough on lexa i'm really really sorry BUT you will love every second of it.


	24. Difficult nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights aren't the easiest. But since coming back, things had been getting better, it's been getting easier to sleep through the night. The nightmares still got bad though, like the night we see in this chapter, it's one of the worst nights Lexa has had. She can't seem to snap out of the dream, can't seem to differentiate between reality and her memory. And it's a little worrying how long it takes to finally come back. But that's not it, there's another bad night where something very different wakes her up. All in all, Lexa's not happy with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nope not a happy chapter. i've been like reading back on the fic lately and :))) nightmare are fun to write :)) and there was this one where lexa woke up but like couldn't snap out of whatever she was dreaming about. sooooo went back to that because i feel like that would happen. again. so its happening again. but it is very different than the last time. its also. a lot worse. i teared up writing that scene so if that's any indication of how rough it is. ANYWAYS READ ON

Clarke’s eyes snapped open to the movement next to her. They had gone to sleep hours ago, things were fine all day, even in the evening, so she wasn’t expecting to be woken up in the middle of the night by anything much less this. Lexa was stirring violently in her place next to Clarke, even in the darkness of the room, Clarke could see the distressed look on her face. They had been home for three weeks now, and by now Lexa’s nightmares had toned down a lot. She still got them, more often than she’d like, but they were nowhere near as bad as they were back when she was in the hospital – or right after getting home even. But as time went on, as the days went by, things were getting easier – not by as much as Lexa would want but for the most part, they weren’t as intense as they used to be.

So it had been a while since Clarke had been woken up like this in the middle of the night. The last time Lexa had a nightmare, it was Lexa who had woken her up, her voice trembling and hands shaking as she called out to a sleeping Clarke to comfort her. So that’s what Clarke had done, she’d held her, talked to her softly, and did what she could to calm her. The nightmares tended to make her spiral, made her get lost in the memories, and Clarke seemed to be the only one who could help keep her grounded. But more so than anything else, the nightmares upset her, they made her feel scared and anxious and small, took her back to relive moments she would like to write off of her life.

But this hadn’t happened in a while, no more than once or twice since being home, but Lexa was thrashing and stirring on her side of the bed. Clarke immediately brought herself up, turning on the lamp on her nightstand before moving closer to Lexa. Her breathing was shallow and ragged, she looked distressed, it wasn’t hard to tell whatever she was dreaming about wasn’t good. “Lexa?” Clarke called out quietly, “Baby come on, you need to wake up.” But Lexa only responded with a grunt, turning away from Clarke. She looked like she was trying to get away from something or someone, her eyes squeezed shut as she weakly kicked her legs. “Hey,” Clarke placed her hand gently on Lexa’s arm to try and get her attention.

But she regretted it immediately when Lexa’s eyes snapped open and she jerked her body away from Clarke and closer to the edge of the bed.

“Lexa, it’s me.” Clarke brought her hand away, “Hey, baby listen-” But there was a panicked look in Lexa’s eyes and Clarke moving closer to her proved to be a mistake.

“No!” Lexa pulled back again, this time there wasn’t any more of the bed behind her and she ended up falling off and on the floor with a thud.

“Lexa!” Clarke’s eyes widened, hurrying to her side of the bed to help her up. She reached down from the bed, about to offer Lexa her hand.

“No,” But she was shaking her head, scurrying further away. “Leave me alone,” Her voice was small and scared, a tremble in her lips that made Clarke move back on the bed away from Lexa.

“Baby it’s me.” She told her gently, keeping her voice calm and trying to not let the panic come through. “It’s Clarke.”

But Lexa only shook her head at her, squeezing her eyes shut as she continued to retreat. Her breathing was rapid, and it was very clear that Lexa was on the verge of a panic attack. “Shut up,” She muttered uncertainly, talking back never ended well for her, as much as Lexa wanted _them_ to just shut up, it would only got worse for her if she yelled or raised her voice. Instead she brought her hands up, covering her ears and continuing to shake her head. “Just…ju-just leav-ve me alon-ne.”

Clarke let a second pass, watching Lexa uncertainly before moving again. She returned to the edge of the bed before very slowly getting off, she slid down against the side of the bed and onto the floor. Clarke kept her movements as slow as possible, not wanting to startle Lexa or even let her notice that she was moving closer to her. Lexa was trapped in her nightmare, this wasn’t the first time it had happened but this _was_ the first time it had happened since they had gotten home. So Clarke wasn’t too used to dealing with this, she hasn’t had to more than a couple of times – but she did get some good pointers for it from the psychiatrist back in DC – usually it was over when Lexa woke up, and then Clarke only had to comfort her and soothe her. It was a lot harder to snap her out of it.

“Lexa?” Clarke spoke quietly, Lexa was sitting no more than a couple of feet across from her, knees pulled to her chest, eyes squeezed shut, arms now wrapped around her knees.

“ _LEAVE ME ALONE!_ ” She screamed out, her voice going sharp and high and making Clarke flinch.

“Lex-”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa muttered quickly, bringing her voice down and regretting raising it. “I-I didn’t mean t-to yel-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Clarke was quick to reassure her, not moving this time. But she needed to get closer to her, close enough to touch her and hold her, and provide some form of tangible connection to reality.

“Please don-don’t hurt m-” Lexa brought her head up this time, the fear evident in her eyes as she looked at Clarke.

“No, no, no,” Clarke stopped her. It was almost like she didn’t recognize her, she was looking right at her but Lexa couldn’t even see her; Clarke could tell she was in too deep right now, way too deep into whatever memory she was reliving in her sleep – deeper than she had seen before to be honest. “No one is going to hurt you.” She told her immediately. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

But her lips trembled, eyes filling with tears. “Please don’t.” Lexa was scared, she was scared of being hurt, scared of the _consequences_ of her yelling, of her raising her voice. “I’m sor-”

“Lexa, it’s me.” Clarke tried again, keeping her voice soft and gentle. “It’s Clarke.”

She shut her eyes again, shaking her head. “No, no, no-” Lexa kept repeating to herself, “You’re not here.” She rubbed her face, shaking her head into her hand. “Clarke’s not h-here.” Lexa took in a shaky breath, the tears spilling as hopelessness spread through her. “She’s not here,” She cried out, “Please st-stop doing th-this to me-e.”

“No one is doing anything baby,” It was getting harder and harder to stay calm right now. “I’m Clarke, and I am here.” But Lexa shook her head again, a sob escaping her lips. “You’re home, you’re safe.” Clarke took a chance, inching closer to her. But Lexa was almost on hyperalert now, the moment Clarke moved, she jumped back with her back hitting the wall with a loud thud. Clarke sighed, no she couldn’t keep her movements slow anymore, she couldn’t be patient anymore because Lexa was spiraling further and further and Clarke _needed_ to bring her back, bring her back to reality, snap her out of what Lexa thought was reality. And she was hurting herself at this point, she fell off the bed quite hard, and now she hit herself against the wall – very hard actually, Clarke was half expecting a bruise by the morning – she had to calm her down. So Clarke moved closer, Lexa didn’t have space to move back anymore, and placed her hand on her arm.

“ _NO!_ ” Lexa’s voice cracked with how loud it was, weakly shoving Clarke’s hand off of her. “ _Stop it!_ ” She lowered her eyes, looking away from Clarke.

“Lexa, I promise you, you’re not where you think you are.” Clarke didn’t budge, moved closer until she was right in front of Lexa. Any form of contact is supposed to help, any contact as long as Clarke got her to register it for what it really was, and make her feel connected to reality. “You’re home,” She placed her hand back on Lexa’s arm.

The new contact made her snap her head back up, noticing for the first time how close Clarke was. It made her panic, she looked like a deer in headlights and shoved Clarke away from her with more strength than Clarke was expecting. She stumbled back, placing her hands behind her to stop herself from falling back. “ _LEAVE ME ALONE!_ ” Lexa yelled back, “All I want…i-is a co-couple o-of hou-rs, _please!_ ” Clarke moved back closer to her, grabbing her wrists this time. “I-I- I can’t t-take anymore tod-t-today.” Lexa fought against her hold on her, trying to make her let go.

Clarke watched her worriedly, watched as she desperately tried to break free from her hold, she looked anxious and scared – actually no short of terrified. Lexa was still in her nightmare, in her memory, in whatever she was reliving, and Clarke was doing all that she could to bring her back out of it. “I need you to listen to me, Lexa please.” She asked her desperately, nothing was working. “Stop fighting me and listen please.” Her grip on Lexa’s wrists tightened, making her look up at Clarke. “Wherever you think you are, you’re not.” She held her gaze, not letting her look away. “You’re home, you’re in our bedroom, you’re with me, your fiancée.”

But Lexa weakly shook her head, “I’m not,” The tears kept falling, Lexa wasn’t sure how to make it stop. “Please don’t mess with my head like this.” She spoke more slowly this time, not stumbling over her words as she desperately watched Clarke.

“No one is messing with your head baby.” Clarke tried. “What can I do to convince you? You’re stuck in your nightmare, stuck in a memory, whatever you think you’re living through isn’t real.”

“Then w-wh-…what is re-al?” Lexa asked her desperately. “I don’t…” Her breathing grew heavy, “I don’t know…what’s real.”

“Alright, let’s start with taking some deep breaths okay?” Clarke asked her, at least Lexa was listening to her now. “With me,” She instructed, inhaling and watching as Lexa followed then exhaled. “One,” Clarke counted, taking in another breath, Lexa following. “Two.” She gave her a soft smile this time, “Three. You’re doing good baby, keep going.” She took two more breaths, counting them as Lexa followed. “That’s it baby, now listen to me.” Lexa couldn’t take her eyes away from Clarke’s, calming down for the first time. She still looked lost and confused, uncertain of where she was. “You’re home, back in Seattle.” Clarke spoke slowly. “You have been home for three weeks now.” She added. “You’re safe, there’s no one here other than just the two us.” Lexa was listening to her, her breathing steadying. “It’s past three am right now, we’re in our bedroom, we fell asleep together around midnight.”

“Am I really home?” Lexa asked uncertainly.

“Yes.” Clarke nodded immediately, squeezing her wrists for a moment. “You’re home baby, I promise you’re home.”

But Lexa’s demeanor changed again, lips trembling as tears started to fall again. “I don’t know.” She croaked out, shaking her head. “Can’t tell wh-what’s real.”

“Trust me.” Was all Clarke could say. “I’m Clarke, _your_ Clarke. You can trust me.”

Lexa choked out a sigh, but instead of saying anything she lunged forward, capturing Clarke’s lips in her own. She kissed her hard and forcefully, teeth clashing against Clarke’s as she tried desperately to feel something _real_. If this wasn’t real, this kiss wouldn’t feel like anything, it wouldn’t make her feel anything. But god it did, a feeling of warmth spread through her chest, lighting a fire in her and it just made Lexa keep going. Her lips trembled as she kissed Clarke, pressing hard against her and pouring every ounce of doubt she had into it. _Yes, this is real_. “Clarke,” She breathed out against her lips, moving away only about an inch to catch her breath.

“Yeah baby,” Clarke nodded, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s. “It’s me.”

A sob sputtered past her lips, her whole body trembling as she fell onto Clarke. “Clarke,” She sobbed out, Clarke letting go of her wrists and wrapping her arms around Lexa instead.

And so she held her, Clarke held onto her, tightening her arms around Lexa and holding her close. Clarke let out a sigh of relief, it had never taken as long as that to get Lexa to snap out of her thoughts and back into reality. “I got you,” She kissed her hair, letting Lexa cry into her chest.

A long couple of minutes passed, the sound of Lexa’s cries filling the room as she clung onto Clarke. “I’m s-sc-scared.” She finally spoke. “Why can-can’t I tell betwe…between-” A sob cut her off. “Clarke I’m scared.”

She was scared too, Clarke was terrified, it had never been like this. Time was supposed to make things better, it was supposed to make the flashbacks not as intense, the nightmares were supposed to get better. But this was anything but, this was worse than anything Clarke had seen since Lexa got back, worse than she had seen _her_ in the whole time she had been back from Cyprus. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” Was all Clarke could say, that was the best she could do right now. They’d figure it out, they’d work on it, they’d get through this like everything else so far. “It’s scary, I know, I’m not gonna lie Lex, I’m scared too.” She admitted, “But everything is going to be okay. We’ll work on it, we’ll find a way to make this easier, better. I promise, you’ll be okay.”

But Lexa wasn’t convinced, she was scared of what happened tonight, she was scared of how easy it was to just get lost. She was scared of herself if anything, she screamed and yelled at Clarke – hell she even shoved her away, _oh god, what did I do?_ “I’m scared.”

“Come on,” Clarke told her gently, hands going on her sides. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

Lexa looked a little confused, looking around for a moment, trying to figure out when she ended up _off_ the bed. “Thought we were…on the bed…?”

“You rolled off.” Clarke gave her a comforting smile, “Come on.”

Lexa let her help her up on her feet, but the moment she put weight on her left leg, her ankle screamed out in pain. “Ow ow ow,” She was close to landing back on the floor, but Clarke held her up, supporting her. “Something’s wrong with my ankle.” Lexa clenched her jaw, letting Clarke slowly move her to the bed before sitting down.

“Bring your legs up, let me take a look.” Clarke sat down by the foot of the bed, waiting for Lexa to sit back. “Let’s see.” She gently touched the ankle Lexa was complaining about, fingers tentatively pressing on the skin only to receive a whine from Lexa. “Baby I think you sprained it when you rolled off the bed.” Clarke leaned over her, turning on the lamp on the nightstand on Lexa’s side to get a better look. Lexa only sat back, leaning against the headboard, a blank look on her face, not really sure what she was even thinking about. “Doesn’t look too bad, I think just icing it should be fine.”

Lexa let out a tired sigh, “How did I fall off the bed?” She finally asked Clarke, her voice slow and quiet.

“You rolled off,” Clarke shrugged it off, she didn’t want to say her nightmare made her practically jump off the bed.

“That’s great,” Lexa rubbed her eyes, “It’s not like…this leg wa-w-wasn’t bad e-…enou-enough.” Clarke gave her a sad smile, about to get up to go downstairs to get her an icepack. But Lexa stopped her, grabbing her wrist before she could get up. “Where are you going?” She asked her worriedly, growing anxious all over again because Clarke needed to _stay here_ , Lexa needed her to.

“Just down to the kitchen.” Clarke explained, not moving, “To get you an icepack for the ankle.”

But Lexa shook her head. “No,” Her voice trembled, she didn’t want to be alone, she didn’t want Clarke to step away for even a moment. Everything was still blurry, a little fuzzy, reality wasn’t entirely clear yet and the only thing that was holding her here and keeping her from slipping back into the past was Clarke. “I need you here.” It was quiet, just barely audible and Clarke almost missed it.

“Okay,” She nodded to her, “I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke reassured her. “We need to keep it elevated at least,” With that, she got up, Lexa letting her walk away to the other end of the room to where the armchair was. All the extra pillows from the bed were on it; as much as Clarke liked having half a dozen pillows on the bed, it wasn’t entirely practical to sleep with all of them. Stepping up to it, Clarke picked up a pillow and went back to the Lexa. “Come on lie down.”

Lexa did as asked, letting herself fall back on the bed, closing her eyes as her head hit the pillow. But she opened them in no less than half a second, suddenly being bombarded with images and flashes of memories she didn’t want to see. Clarke didn’t catch the sharp intake of break as she raised her foot – or maybe she thought it was because she moved her ankle hurt – and set the pillow under it. Clarke sat there for a moment, watching Lexa with worried eyes before finally moving. She silently made her way back to her side of the bed and lied down. “I don’t think I can close my eyes.” Lexa muttered quietly. “I can’t go back to sleep.” She shook her head, subconsciously moving closer to her partner and pressing herself against her. “Why is this happening?” Lexa asked her desperately. “Everything is still fuzzy,” Her voice wavered. “I still can’t…really t-tell the di-d-diff…difference between w-wh…what’s re-real and what’s not-t.”

“Well, this is real.” Clarke put her arm around Lexa, bringing her closer. “This room, this bed, me,” She looked around the room, trying to find something that might help bring back some _positive_ memories. “That scuff on the wall,” She pointed in front of them at the wall across from the bed, to where there was a small black mark halfway up. “That you made when you were bringing pieces of the bed upstairs.” Clarke smiled at her, “Because you were convinced you could do it on your own and ended up with one of the longer pieces scratching up the wall.”

“It was our second day at the house.” Lexa answered, thinking back to the memory of it. “The delivery was late…it was meant to g-get here the day we moved.”

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, giving her a small smile. “They wouldn’t even take it upstairs, remember?”

“Yeah,” Lexa breathed out, nodding against her. “Why didn’t we cover it u-up?” She asked her. “Pa-paint ov-over it?”

Clarke grinned, turning her head to look at Lexa. “Because it was an _I told you so_.” She reminded her. “’Coz I told you you’d end up either breaking or damaging something by being reckless, and to let me give you a hand.”

“But…” Lexa thought back to it, having to think a little hard to remember why she hadn’t let Clarke help. “You hurt your back.” She replied. “I think it was…the day before.” She looked up at her, “You lifted a b-box that was too heavy.”

“I completely forgot about that.” Clarke admitted. “It’s still an _I told you so_.”

“Of course it is.” Lexa pressed her face into Clarke’s neck, taking a deep breath as the corner of her lips tugged upwards slightly. She felt a lot calmer now, it helped being close to Clarke, the feeling of her arm around her, the sound of her heart beating under her ear, Lexa finally felt safe enough to close her eyes.

* * *

No this wasn’t how Lexa wanted to be woken up tonight; since coming home, it had gotten easier to sleep through the night – the night before last excluded of course. The nightmares didn’t come as often, and with the other night being an exception, they didn’t tend to be as intense either so Lexa slept though most nights and the times she didn’t it was owed to a nightmare which was either a memory or some variant of something that had happened to her. But that’s not what woke her up tonight, it wasn’t a dream, it had been a blissfully dreamless night so far when the pain shot through her leg.

This hadn’t happened in a while, her leg had been fine since coming home, it was only the first day when she got this pain. It had been fine since then, sure it acted up every now and then, but the pain from that was nowhere near as these little _episodes_. And _this_ hadn’t happened before, the pain coming in her sleep and waking her up hadn’t happened before. Yes, there was never a reason to it, there was never anything that caused it, but usually it happened when Lexa was awake. As inconvenient as that was, this seemed to be a lot worse. Lexa didn’t wake up when the pain started, when it wasn’t quite as bad, no, it didn’t cause her to wake up until the pain was at its peak.

So she woke up with tears stinging her eyes and sweat covering her back and upper chest. Lexa was gasping for breath as her eyes flew opened, mind going blank and to the only thing that seemed possible when she wasn’t fully awake – that she was being hurt in her sleep, or being hurt while unconscious, being woken up painfully wasn’t new, it was something Lexa had grown accustomed to in her months away. So it wasn’t easy waking up like this, old memories flashed through her mind, too many in too little time before Lexa placed herself. She was home, she was in bed, she was safe.

And she was in a lot of pain.

Lexa let out a groan, clenching her jaw before letting out a labored breath. Everything hurt, her mind was still too cloudy with sleep to even figure out what was hurting, all she knew was that it was intense and she was on the verge of crying because of it. A second passed before Lexa managed to place where it was originating from, realizing it was coming from her leg. But it had spread to her whole body at this point, hurt to move even a muscle, there was no way she was going to manage to get up to get her medication. They were on the dresser, most of the drugs were in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom but there were two bottles of Fentanyl in the house, one downstairs in the living room and the other on the dresser, both for easy access when something like this happened.

She turned her head slowly, every movement measured in an attempt to control the pain and keep it from worsening. Clarke was peacefully asleep, lying on her side and facing Lexa. She didn’t want to wake her up, Clarke did enough for her during the days as it was, Lexa didn’t need to wake her up in the middle of the night too. She did a couple of days ago anyways, well, her nightmare did. But as bad as she felt about it, there was no way Lexa was going to get through this without her painkillers, ones she couldn’t get herself – she couldn’t move, it hurt to even breathe, there was no way she was going to get out of bed and walk over to the dresser.

“Clarke?” Lexa choked out, her voice just barely audible, pushing past the pain. But Clarke didn’t seem to move, she didn’t seem to even hear Lexa. “Clarke,” She brought up her hand this time, wincing at how the pain flared at the movement. “Babe,” Lexa tapped her arm sloppily. “Wake up, please.”

Clarke stirred this time, eyes fluttering open before they found Lexa. “Hey,” She breathed out, voice heavy with sleep. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Even in the darkness of the room, Clarke could see the distressed look on her face. It wasn’t completely dark, Lexa didn’t like that and after spending the first few days with a crack in the bathroom door, Clarke got a nightlight for the bedroom.

“Leg.” Lexa gasped out. “Hurts.” There were tears already stinging her eyes and it was only a matter of time before they spilled.

“Oh,” Clarke nodded, moving to get up immediately. “Yeah, hold on.” She practically jumped out of bed and rushed towards the dresser. Her movements were a bit sloppy, the sleep still clinging onto her body and making it feel heavy. But she pushed past it, making her way to the dresser to grab the bottle of pills before walking to the bathroom to get Lexa a glass of water.

Clarke was by her side in less than a minute, setting down the half full glass on the nightstand before turning the lamp on. “Here, baby come on.” She moved her hand to Lexa’s upper arm to help her sit up enough to take her medicine. Lexa nodded, struggling and gritting her teeth as moving caused more pain to spread through her body. “I’m so sorry,” Clarke apologized as Lexa let out a groan in pain, the discomfort very clear on her face. Clarke picked up her pillow, placing it behind her back on the headboard for Lexa to lean against. She let out a grunt as she leaned back – her back had bruised from the other night, even leaning back against a pillow hurt. She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath while Clarke opened the bottle and poured a pill out. “Hey,” She called her gently, waiting for Lexa to open her eyes before holding it out to her, “Here,”

Lexa took them from her wordlessly, putting it in her mouth and about to take the glass of water from Clarke’s hand. But that seemed to be a mistake because the moment Clarke started to let go, Lexa’s grip gave out. Thankfully the glass was only half full and only a little spilled out before Clarke managed to grab it and stop it from falling. “Fuck,” Lexa muttered under her breath, even just moving her hand to the glass was hard, the smallest of movements made her hurt more.

“Here,” Clarke said instead, bringing the glass up to her lips instead and letting Lexa take a tentative sip. She waited till Lexa had swallowed the pill before bringing the glass back to her lips for another sip.

Lexa sighed and closed her eyes. “Thank you,” She muttered, sounding tired and drained; she still didn’t understand how easy it was for this to make her tired.

Clarke only gave her a small smile and nod, before leaning down and kissing her forehead. “Baby, you’re sweaty,” She commented, her voice low and still sleepy; she reached to down to Lexa’s neck, feeling it with the back of her hand to find it cold and sticky with sweat. Clarke was walking away back to the dresser already with Lexa only watching her in confusion. Wordlessly, she opened the second drawer – Lexa’s one – and got out a t-shirt. “You’re gonna catch a cold if you sleep in that.” She explained, walking back to her.

“Oh,” Lexa hadn’t realized that, she hadn’t actually realized how sweaty she was from the pain. Clarke returned to her side, gently helping her get out of the shirt she was wearing. It took longer than Lexa would have liked it to – moving just hurt, that was it. “Thank you.” She told her again, body still stiff as she waited for the painkiller to kick in.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Clarke told her, stepping away from the bed and towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Lexa asked her slowly, relaxing against the pillow behind her, taking deep breaths and trying to ignore the pain still flaring through her leg and up her body.

“Down to the kitchen,” Clarke explained. “To get the hot water bottle for your leg.” She gave her a drowsy smile, Lexa was in pain, a lot of pain; Clarke knew what this was like, this wasn’t the first time she had seen Lexa getting pain in her leg. And yes, she was sleepy, still probably half asleep but Clarke was going to do whatever she could to help ease that distressed look on Lexa’s face. “Sit back and relax, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww my poor little baby. nightmares are hard. and this has been the worst one so far. clarke's worried too. the leg pain isn't great either but at least they know what to do to stop it. ANYWAYS thank you for reading leave me a comment. i'm already working on the next chapter and spoiler warning: it does not get much better for lexa. poor bby she needs a break, the person making her suffer should definitely stop or at least give her a break. that person is definitely not me.


	25. Downhill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's health has been acting up lately. It seems to have come out of nowhere, they can't figure out why it's happening, or what exactly is wrong. But it started off as one bad day, one that both Clarke and Lexa thought was a one-off thing so they wrote it off. Only it seems to be continuing, and Clarke is very concerned. She wants her to see a doctor, this isn't expected and they really need to figure out why she's so low - health-wise (also maybe emotionally too). But Lexa really doesn't want to, she's certain it's nothing and it will blow over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo as the summary goes, lexa's health is taking a dip. and they're not really sure what's wrong. but yeah, she's not doing that well and it seems to be getting worse as the days pass. so this chapter is over five days, and yeahhhhh not nice. she's not doing great, physically or mentally or in any way really lol.
> 
> [ALSO i just realized that the update is early???? i didn't realize that but i'm not done writing the next chapter for unexpected but done with this one?????? so i'll put this one up. i want to update every week]]

Things hadn’t been great the past two days. Neither of them were sure what it was, or what was causing it, because lately Lexa had been getting better. Physically she had been getting better, the weather was on the up, even the rainy days weren’t too bad and it really did seem like Lexa was making some real progress. She was spending less time in bed, she seemed to have more energy, Clarke was happy with the progress Lexa was making, it made her happy to see her getting better. But something was wrong, had been wrong the last two days. It started on Thursday, Lexa had woken up feeling sluggish and tired, about as aching and stiff as any other day, but feeling a lot weaker.

She felt lightheaded, almost out of breath, and it made it difficult to get out of bed for most of the day. Clarke had stayed with her for the most part, worried and concerned, unsure of what was causing this. It was new, this was quiet new, thinking back to the time since Lexa had returned, Clarke couldn’t really think of any other time she had seen Lexa like this. The first few days, sure, but that was to be expected – she was in critical condition right before getting to the States, she was recovering from multiple surgeries, and not to mention the shock to her system from the massive change. But since then, there hadn’t been too many times Lexa had been _this_ weak.

They had both written Thursday off as an one-off thing, bad days happened, that wasn’t new, and most of them were just very different to the last. Like the last rainy day had Lexa stuck on the couch, some days were more emotionally draining than the others for one reason or another; so they expected this to be like that, expected Lexa to go back to her usual – now-usual – self after a good night’s sleep. She slept like a log that night, she had slept quite a lot throughout the day too so Clarke was half expecting her to not be able to sleep much during the night. But she had, she was practically passed out by the time the clock hit 11pm.

But then the next day was no better, worse if anything. Lexa had woken up feeling sick, her head spinning and unable to so much as stand up. She had tried to brush off, say she was fine and that this would just blow over like most things did since coming back. She wasn’t well, Lexa knew that, and she knew there would be highs and lows, she was still working on accepting that but it was still hard when the lows hit. For the most part, the lows had been more emotional than physical; other than the couple of off days where her body acted up, her physical health was making steady – but very slow – progress. Okay, maybe that wasn’t entirely true, Lexa was regaining her strength but her leg was still permanently wounded, her shoulder was a lot better but some movements still hurt, and Lexa was starting to develop more constant tremors in her hand.

Today seemed to be the worst of it though; Lexa woke up feeling as bad as she had the past day with the added bonus of a splitting headache and a sensitivity to light. Okay, maybe she woke up feeling worse day than yesterday. Her body felt cold, there was a chill down her spine, a tremble in her hand, and a shakiness in her voice. Clarke saw it the moment she woke up, saw that something was wrong yet again – any morning she woke up with Lexa still in bed tended to mean it wasn’t going to be a great day for her.

“How are you feeling?” Clarke asked her quietly, placing a hand on her upper arm. She was cold, freezing really and Clarke removed her hand to pull the comforter over her exposed skin.

Lexa shook her head at her, “Not great,” She admitted reluctantly, they were both hoping today would be different to the last two; things like that only lasted a day, she had bad days but they were never consecutive. “I think I’m just going to stay in bed today.” Lexa spoke slowly, letting out a sigh.

“Again?” Clarke asked her worryingly, reaching out and pushing Lexa’s hair back out of her face. “Babe I’m getting a little worried.” She told her, keeping her voice soft and gentle. “This is the third day in a row.”

“It’ll pass.” Lexa breathed out, closing her eyes at the feeling of Clarke’s fingers running through her hair. “I’m just tired.”

“There seems to be a bit more than just that.” Clarke pointed out, “You couldn’t get out of bed yesterday without getting dizzy.”

“It’s just…” Lexa tried to brush it off, before bringing her hand up and pointing to her head. “This fucked up thing.” She sounded more annoyed than she wanted to, more annoyed than she wanted Clarke to know she was. Lexa wasn’t entirely wrong with her saying that it was because of her brain, it most likely was, the doctors back in DC had said headaches were to be expected every now and then, the occasional dizziness, and a million other things really. It seemed like whatever it was, whatever was wrong, Lexa could potentially trace it back to it being caused by her brain injury.

Clarke sighed, leaning forward and kissing Lexa’s forehead. “I’m worried.” She told her again. “Maybe it’s time to see a doctor, Lex.” But Lexa shook her head and Clarke brought herself away, “Babe please, you were meant to after getting back home.” Clarke tried. “Dr. Jackson referred you to someone here, maybe it’s time we see them.”

“No doctors.” Lexa’s voice was suddenly steadier, firmed. “I’m fine.” She repeated, “I just need some rest and I’ll be back to…normal…?” It came out as a question, Lexa wasn’t intending on that, “Whatever normal is, you know?” She shrugged, “I…really don’t want to go to the doctors.” She turned her eyes away from Clarke, looking at the space between them. “I spent long enough in DC at the hospital. I’m a little…tired of st-s-strang-ers poking and p-proding me.”

Clarke watched her for a moment, very much concerned for whatever was wrong right now. This would be three days of…whatever it was, she had been getting better, she had been getting stronger, and maybe Thursday wasn’t as unexpected – bad days did happen – but the next was, and so was today. It wasn’t normal for things to be _bad_ for so long, even the days before when Lexa wasn’t feeling her best, she still got out of bed, went downstairs, spent it on the couch at worst. “Alright,” Clarke gave a nod, giving in. “I’m gonna go downstairs, make us some breakfast.” She told her, moving to get up. “I’ll bring it up, you stay in bed.”

“Don’t bother,” Lexa said as she pulled the comforter halfway over her face, settling back in. “I don’t f-feel like eating.”

“Babe,” Clarke sighed, pulling on a hoodie and returning to the bed instead of heading to the bathroom. “You need to at least eat.” She told her, “You barely had dinner last night.”

“I feel weird.” Lexa tried to explain, “The headache…it’s making me nauseous.” She rubbed her forehead, “I don’t want to eat,” She sighed, “Not yet, I’ll eat later.”

“Okay well,” Clarke moved to get back into bed. “Then I’m staying with you.” It was still early, Clarke wasn’t hungry either, not yet but she was hoping to get some food into Lexa as soon as possible because she barely had two bites of dinner last night.

Lexa nodded, letting out a shaky breath. “Good.” She moved closer to her. “I’m cold,” She muttered quietly, cuddling up against Clarke, slipping her hands under her hoodie. Her lips trembled, pressing her face against Clarke’s chest, no she wasn’t feeling too well. When she woke up, Lexa didn’t feel much worse than she had yesterday, but right now, she felt a lot worse.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded disapprovingly, “You’re telling me,” She wrapped her arms around Lexa, bringing her closer. “Baby you’re trembling.” That was a new development, a very recent one at that, even a minute ago Lexa wasn’t trembling, she was cold since they woke up thought.

“Babe?” Lexa spoke after a moment, her voice muffled against her, “I don’t feel great.”

Clarke only kissed the top of her head, tightening her arm around her. She was worried, she was really worried, and she was hoping that by noon at least, Lexa would be feeling better. If it was up to her, she’d take Lexa down to see a doctor, it wasn’t normal for her to be feeling like this three days in a row; if it was just one day, Clarke would have let it go but this was concerning. Dr, Jackson had referred her to someone closer by, recommended that she see them actually as soon as she could, just to get things in order, have a doctor who closer who knew her and her situation. He had already sent her files over, as far as Clarke and Lexa knew, he had even talked to them but Lexa was reluctant to. As she put it, she wasn’t too keen on anymore strangers _poking and prodding_ her.

.

It was past noon now, almost 2pm as Clarke walked back into their bedroom with two plates in her hands. Lexa didn’t eat much of breakfast; she had fallen asleep with Clarke and woke up about an hour or so later. And Clarke had gone down to get breakfast, returning with two bowls, bottle of milk, and a cereal box – Lexa had said she wasn’t in the mood for anything savory. And she stayed in bed after that, the sugary carbs having given her a small boost in energy. But she was back to how she was after waking up by now, she was tired, exhausted, _weak_.

She couldn’t even get out of bed, not really; the first time Lexa got out of bed – a little after breakfast – she ended up falling back on the bed because her head was spinning from getting up. Clarke almost panicked at that, Lexa losing her footing and falling back on the bed and Clarke wasn’t sure whether it was because she was feeling dizzy or if it was because she was so weak right now that her legs gave out. The second time wasn’t much better either, Lexa got up, taking a moment to steady herself before needing Clarke to help her walk up to the bathroom – she really didn’t have the strength to carry herself even a few feet away.

“I’m not really i-in the mood foo-d,” Lexa spoke quietly from her spot on the bed, turning on her side to look at Clarke. “Not hungry.”

“You sound tired,” Clarke said instead, stepping up to her and placing the plate of food down on the nightstand. “More so than even an hour ago.”

Lexa glanced over at the food, she didn’t have much of an appetite but the sight of it was a bit tempting. “Chicken nuggets?” She asked Clarke, a ghost of a smile coming on her face.

“Yeah,” It was Lexa’s comfort food, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and smiley fries with ketchup and mayonnaise. It was her go-to snack during college, before she realized she actually liked to cook – but even then, after a rough day, or even a rough morning, this tended to be enough to bring her mood up. Even now – well, up until Lexa had left – Clarke knew a plate of dinosaur shaped processed meat and fried potatoes would comfort her. “And smiley fries,”

“No greens?” Lexa asked with a smirk, moving to sit up.

“Didn’t think you’d eat them,” Clarke smiled, moving Lexa’s pillow to behind her so she could lean back against it. “Here,” She picked up the plate and put it down on Lexa’s lap. “Even if it’s only a couple, it’s better than nothing.” Clarke explained, taking her own plate to the armchair before sitting down. “And I know you can’t say no to the dinos.”

“Yeah,” Lexa picked one up, using it to mix the ketchup and mayonnaise that was already on the plate. Her lips twitched, a smile coming and going until she finally took a bite. “Some things never change.” She wasn’t entirely sure if that was a comforting thought or not, in a way it was, but on the other hand it was also a reminder of all the things that were different now.

Clarke nodded at her, picking up a fry and dipping it in the barbeque sauce she had on her plate, “Still makes me feel like a kid.” She told Lexa as she took a bite. “They still taste exactly the same.”

Lexa ate slowly, doing her best to stomach as much of it as possible. She really hadn’t eaten much since last night and she was starting to feel the effects of it. It was making her feel weaker, more tired, and Lexa didn’t have much of appetite but Clarke was right, she couldn’t say to no to this. And it did help, she didn’t feel much better but she felt a bit stronger; the headache was still bad, moving much made her sway on her feet, getting up too fast made everything spin. But it was enough to get her out of bed and downstairs.

That felt good, after spending two days and a good part of the third in bed, it felt good to be able to finally get out. But it was still harder than Lexa was willing to admit to get herself down the stairs – and she did let Clarke help, but it still took a lot of effort. She got settled in the couch instead of the bed, Clarke draping a blanket over her before turning the TV on and settling in next to her. Lexa didn’t look all too well, she looked paler now that she saw her in brighter light than the dimness of their bedroom, she was still cold and even the hoodie she was wearing right now wasn’t doing much.

“I know neither of us are cat people.” Lexa said a while later, well into their third episode of the day. She was cuddled up close to Clarke, legs draped over her lap as they watched She Ra. “But if we ever get a cat,” She turned to look at Clarke, “Can we name it Catra?”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh, nodding at her fiancée. “But if we get a dog,” She started, mindlessly massaging Lexa’s leg. “We should definitely name it Adora.” Lexa gave her a nod, smiling. “Hyperactive, adorable, full of energy.” Clarke explained. “Small attention span.”

“Adora’s a golden retr-tr-re…” Lexa sighed, taking a breath and composing herself. “…retriever”

“Definitely.” Clarke nodded, noticing the relieved look in Lexa’s eyes. The talking had gotten better, easier over the past almost month of being home. But it was still difficult, there were still words that just wouldn’t come, sentences that wouldn’t end, even when she was calm. Of course it got harder when she was more worked up, made her mind race, made it harder to keep her thoughts in order.

But Lexa got more upset over it when she wasn’t feeling like that, when she was calm and her mind was at ease, it made her more upset when she stuttered or forgot a word, or just couldn’t _say it_. Clarke was patient with it, she never pointed it out, never so much as mentioned it, only waited for Lexa to get to it herself. And it wasn’t much, Clarke wished she could do more, but she could still see how much of a difference it made when she got to a word herself, or finished a sentence she was struggling with without. It was usually relief, sometimes there was a flash of pride even and it made Clarke happy to see it.

* * *

The rest of the day had gone by just fine, better than the morning and they were both hoping that that would mean things were improving. But come night time, and Lexa could just about make it up the stairs to get to bed. So it was no shock when Lexa had woken up on Sunday morning feeling just as bad as she had the past couple of days. Clarke was concerned, of course she was concerned, but no matter how much she tried or asked Lexa, there was no way she would give into going to the hospital. But that might have been a good idea, Clarke was insistent that just a quick check-up wouldn’t hurt but Lexa wouldn’t budge.

Clarke didn’t quite get why, she did spend a while in the hospital back in DC but this would just be for a check-up, to see how she was doing and to see what was wrong that was causing all of this. So the best she could do right now was take care of her, keep her in bed, make sure she was eating and staying hydrated, and not straining herself. But she was weak, she was tired, and exhausted, and four days now without any improvement was concerning to say the very least. Actually, forget improvement, Lexa was getting worse with every passing day. And Clarke wasn’t quite sure how much longer things would go on until something bad happened.

So Lexa had spent most of Sunday on the couch – much to her dismay because the weather was really nice for that time of year and she would have very much liked to spend it outside in the backyard with a hot drink – and the rest of the day up in bed. She hadn’t eaten much throughout day, she didn’t have much of an appetite, and even the couple of times she felt like eating, the food made her feel nauseous and unwell. And come Monday, it was hard to eat and keep food down. Breakfast was the first and only meal she managed to actually keep down, and even that wasn’t much more than one pancake and half an apple. Lunch came right back up and that only left Lexa feeling worse than she was before that. It felt like it drained out the little energy she had left and other than a few light snacks – a handful of dry cereal – Lexa didn’t eat anything the rest of the day.

All of today was spent in bed after that, Clarke doing her best to make sure Lexa was at least keeping herself hydrated because having thrown up twice already today, she didn’t want her to get dehydrated. This was only more concerning really, it made Clarke worry more, at least the past couple of days she was eating – albeit not that much – she was getting some sort of energy into her body. But if this kept up, there was a potential for things to get bad and Clarke really didn’t want something to happen that would make Lexa worse. The most she could do right now was ask her to eat something if she felt like she’d be able to keep it down and drink enough fluids to not get dehydrated.

Clarke had gone out to the convenience store a few minutes away from their house to get Lexa some sugary drinks – soda, sports drinks, juices. And by the time they went to bed, there were half a dozen bottles littered around the room. On top of that, Lexa seemed to be cold, even with the sweatshirt and blankets – and cuddles from Clarke – she was still feeling cold. But it was weird too, because Lexa couldn’t seem to get too wrapped up because then she’d start sweating – and at this point, she had gone through two t-shirts today. So it was safe to say that today was very much an uncomfortable day. By the time they finally fell asleep, it was well past midnight and Lexa didn’t even know how she managed to stay up that late when she was _so tired_.

So Clarke wasn’t expecting to be woken up any time soon, Lexa was tired, she’d sleep in till late after the evening she’d had – not to mention the rest of the day. But it wasn’t more than a couple of hours later that Clarke felt herself stir awake from a light hitting her eyes. Slowly blinking her eyes open, Clarke let it adjust to the stream of light shining into the otherwise dark room from the bathroom. The door was wide open, must have been for a good while if it woke her up and it didn’t take more than another couple of seconds to realize that it was Lexa in the bathroom as she wasn’t in her spot in bed by her side.

Concerned and slightly confused, Clarke pushed herself up and off the bed before dragging her feet in the direction of their bathroom. As she got closer, she could hear Lexa inside – she was throwing up again. Clarke let out a small sigh, walking up to the threshold before finding her partner on the floor hunched over the toilet before entering. The first thing Clarke noticed was the smell, it reeked of puke, and the next thing she noticed was the small puddle of vomit right next to the toilet – Lexa seemed to just about make it to the toilet. Yeah, that would need to be cleaned but Clarke couldn’t worry about that just yet when Lexa sounded like _that_.

Hearing the footsteps approaching, Lexa pushed herself up slightly and just enough to reach the plunger for the flush before pushing it.

“Hey,” Clarke said as she came up to her. “I wasn’t expecting you to be up.” She told her quietly as she grabbed a glass from the counter next to the sink. “Are you feeling okay?” She asked Lexa as she turned the tap on and filled the glass. Lexa seemed like she had thrown up every little bit she had left in her.

“Fine,” Lexa stated breathlessly, one of her arms around the toilet bowl and the other resting along the length of toilet seat with her head on it. She looked exhausted and out of breath, like it was hard to just keep her head up right now.

“Drink,” Clarke said as she knelt down, a hand going on Lexa’s back as the other held the glass up to her.

“I’m fine.” Was all Lexa said, slowly blinking as she continued to try to catch her breath.

“Have some water.” Clarke insisted, keeping her tone soft – if how she looked was anything to go by, she was close to being dehydrated. Yeah, they had actually gotten to that point once today and Clarke really didn’t want it to happen again.

“I don’t need it.” Lexa bit back, but her voice was raspy and quiet, throat burning with every word she spoke.

“Lexa please,” Clarke tried. “Drink some wa-”

“I’M FINE!” She yelled out, a swift movement cutting Clarke off as Lexa knocked the glass of water of her hand and onto the floor. It landed with a loud smash, breaking into thousands of pieces as it hit the floor.

It came so fast and so unexpected that Clarke found herself slightly jumping back as her eyes widened. No, she wasn’t expecting that – Lexa did tend to get angry more now than she used to _before_ , it still wasn’t much, Lexa wasn’t an angry person. But this was more aggressive than angry and it was the shock of it that made Clarke hold back a gasp than the action itself. Clarke could undoubtedly say this was the first time Lexa had done something like this, she never got angry at Clarke, she was never aggressive towards her; and even after coming back, the times she had gotten angry, it was never _at_ Clarke but this time it was directed at her. Clarke sighed sadly; no, it wasn’t Lexa’s fault, her brain worked differently now, emotions were more intense, they were harder to control too and outbursts…happened.

“I…I-I’m sorry.” Lexa stuttered out as she realized what she had done. No, she didn’t mean to do that, she doesn’t even know what came over to do that. “I didn’t mean to do that,” Her voice was low and rough, eyes cast down as her lips trembled and eyes filled with tears. She has never snapped at Clarke like this, never in all the years they’d known each other has she acted like this. “I’m just,” She swallowed the lump in her throat, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands. “Really sorry,”

Clarke didn’t say anything for a moment, only watched Lexa with worried eyes. She wasn’t angry at her, not at all, it wasn’t Lexa’s fault, it was because of her brain injury and they both knew new symptoms could still come up. They didn’t know the extent of it yet, from what they knew, new things could pop up for the next couple of hours. But before she could say anything, Lexa abruptly got up and started to clean up. “Lex, don’t worry about that,” Clarke told her as Lexa went about picking up pieces of glass. “I’ll clean it.”

“No, I got it.” Lexa shook her head absentmindedly, continuing to pick up glasses in her bare hand – miraculously she still hadn’t cut herself with it yet.

“Lexa, it’s glass.” Clarke told her. “It’s sharp, you’re going to hur-” Just as she said it, a piece of glass cut into Lexa’s skin. “Lexa you’re hurt.” It wasn’t deep, it was a big scratch, the screen angry and red. “That cut’s gonna get worse.” But Lexa still didn’t reply, continuing to pick out glass now from the small pool of throw up on the floor. “Can you please stop? You’re going to get that cut infected.” When she doesn’t receive a reply yet again, Clarke grabbed her wrists to stop her. “Lexa!” She finally looked up at Clarke, a blank look in her eyes. “Let me help, we can clean this later. You’re hurt.”

“It’s nothing.” Her tone was flat, trying to free her wrist from Clarke’s grip.”

“Yes, it is.” Clarke nodded at her. “You’re hurt and it needs to be cleaned.” She tried to catch her gaze but Lexa was only looking at the floor. “I’m not listening to you, let me patch it up.”

“I said I’m fine!” Lexa’s voice rose with every word until she was yelling against and breaking free of Clarke’s hold. She managed to push herself up on her feet, almost tripping and falling back but managing to stumble out of the bathroom. It was too much, it was all too much and Lexa couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t even explain what she was feeling right now, there was too much going on in her head, too many emotions, too many thoughts, just too much in general. Storming out of the bathroom, Lexa seemed to only make it about halfway to the bed before practically collapsing on the floor on her knees. She fell on her hands, breathing heavy as it felt like everything was spinning around her.

“Lexa,” Clarke called out, running out of the bathroom and rushing to her side. “Hey,”

“I-I’m f-fi…fine.” Lexa stuttered out. “Just l-le-leav-leave me alone.” She was still down on her hands and knees, breathing heavy and trying to just calm herself and stop the floor from spinning.

“Sure you are,” Clarke shook her head, watching her a second before starting to help her up on her feet. “Let’s get you to bed.” This time Lexa didn’t fight or resist, let Clarke help her up and walk her to the bed. No, she wasn’t okay, she was so far from it and she was weaker right now than Clarke had seen her all day.

Lexa could feel her body starting to tremble, quietly pulling her legs up on the bed and laying down. “Just…” She started tiredly, “Leave me alone, Clarke.”

Clarke sighed, leaving Lexa for a moment to walk over to the bathroom for the first aid kit. She opened the cabinet under the sink, pulling out a couple of bottles of cleaning bottles before spraying the toilet and the floor. Grabbing the first aid kit, Clarke left the bathroom and back to where her fiancée was laying in bed. “Never.” She sat down by the edge of the bed, placing her hand on Lexa’s arm. “Let’s see your hand,”

Lexa sighed, giving in and letting Clarke clean the graze on her hand. “Ow,” She hissed quietly as the antiseptic touched her open wound. Lexa closed her eyes for a moment before turning to look over at the plastic bottle of apple juice on the nightstand and grabbing it. She weakly unscrewed the cap and took a small sip. “I’m sorry.” Lexa muttered weakly, turning to lay on her back so she could look at Clarke better.

“It’s okay.” Clarke brushed it off as she watched Lexa for a moment, studying her. It was in her tone, in her movements before she left the bathroom, “You’re angry.” Clarke stated quietly, putting the first aid kit away.

Lexa nodded slowly. “I am.” She admitted reluctantly, but at least she could put a name to her emotions – somehow that was a little comforting.

“At what?” Clarke looked at her this time, speaking softly. “At me?”

But she shook her head immediately, regretting it as soon as she did because it made her head hurt even more than it already was. “Never at you.” Lexa muttered quietly.

“Then at what?” Clarke made sure to keep her voice soft and gentle.

“So much.” Lexa averts her gaze. _I’m mad at myself, at the people who did this to me, the circumstances that led to this, the world for allowing it to happen_. She shook her head, turning herself away so she was facing Clarke with her back.

Clarke only nodded at her, letting it go, it didn’t seem like Lexa wanted to talk anymore. She was tired, she needed to sleep. “Okay,” She grabbed the comforter, pulling it up and over Lexa, making sure to cover her arms. Clarke reached out, running her fingers through her hair and smiling slightly at the way Lexa relaxed at the contact. “Get some sleep, love.”

“Come into bed?” Lexa asked her quietly, not moving to look at her, still worried that Clarke was mad at her for the way she acted. But she was too tired right now, too tired to even think about anything let alone have the energy to deal with her emotions and feelings. “Please?”

Clarke nodded, getting up and walking to her side of the bed and settling in. “I’m right here, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i didn't edit this, not really. i ust finished writing it actually and its 4am. but i really wanted to get the chapter up because i'm excited for it and what's happening rn. and also what's going to happen. i'm gonna edit it tomorrow or something whoops but i will i just really wanted to have it up tonight. ANYWHOS leave me a comment, let me know what you thought, and don't yell at me for how lexa's doing :))


	26. Gatorade and pasta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing on with the theme of the last chapter, this one is an update on Lexa's health. There are some (very small) improvements, and a lot more not-so-great changes. Lexa is still very much refusing to go to the doctor or get any sort of help. And that's not even mentioning how hard it has been for Lexa to so much as keep food down - hence the gatorade and pasta, there are very few things she can actually stomach right now. But we kind of hit a critical point that even Lexa can't ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst bois. that's it. its angst. i really didn't think i'd get this chapter ready in time coz its been a shitty day both personally and....impersonally? covid, by that i mean covid. they legit announced 8 hours before midnight that we were going to lockdown...at midnight. it really came out of nowhere, it wasn't supposed to be until the 28th. so that shit's been getting to be. and there's been some shitty personal discoveries and all that blah blah blah so it was actually cathartic to write angst. also yeah angst. this will hurt and make you feel Sad for lexa. again.

It had been almost a week now, a whole week – minus a day – of Lexa’s health declining with no sign of things getting better. Things had been getting worse, Lexa was just barely eating, it was getting increasingly difficult to keep food down; since the day she had started throwing up, most of her diet consisted of crackers, bread, dry cereal, and various flavors of Gatorade. The headaches were getting worse too, but at least the dizziness had subsided, moving around wasn’t as hard as it had been even a couple of days ago. That’s when it was at its worse actually, just getting out of bed was difficult because everything would start to spin, she’d lose her footing and pretty much end up back on her butt either on the floor or on the bed. 

So the past two days, Lexa had spent it in bed, but waking up in the middle of the night today, she managed to get out of bed and to the bathroom without so much as waking up Clarke. But the day seemed to start with a completely new problem, okay maybe it wasn’t entirely new. It was the light, the moment Clarke opened the curtains, Lexa found herself squeezing her eyes shut to stop the shooting headache the light was causing. She was sensitive to light every now and then, since getting back really, but it wasn’t as bad as today, it had _never_ been as bad as this. 

“My head is killing me,” Lexa muttered weakly as Clarke pulled the curtains shut again and made her way back to the bed. “It was better last night…” A couple of Advils seemed to had done the trick to their surprise – it hadn’t been working, the over-the-counter drugs just weren’t strong enough and Lexa was reluctant to take the Fentanyl for anything other than her leg. 

“I’ve seen you sensitive to light.” Clarke commented, “But never like this.” She sat down on the edge of the bed, sighing as she placed her hand on Lexa’s leg. “Is there anything you want me to do?” She spoke to her quietly, not wanting to add more to make her headache worse. 

“Just…” Lexa trailed off, “Keep the curtains closed,” Her voice was muffled by the pillow, her face pressed against it. “Lights off,” She added. “Until w-what…whatever this is p-passes.”

“Can I get you breakfast?” Clarke asked instead, it was almost 11 am. “Maybe just some toast so you can take some Advil?” She shouldn’t be taking them on an empty stomach but Clarke was expecting Lexa to decline.

But instead she nodded, muttering quietly, “Yeah.” She was hungry, she was starving actually, her diet lately wasn’t too substantial or even remotely satisfying. “Extr-”

“Extra crispy.” Clarke finished for her knowingly, giving her a smile and nodding. “What about a little butter and sugar? It’ll taste better.”

“Sounds better than just bread, yeah.” Lexa nodded, “I think I can stomach that.” 

“Okay,” Clarke nodded, getting up and leaning down to kiss her cheek before leaving the room. 

* * *

“Are you okay?” Clarke croaked out as she stirred awake, finding Lexa sitting upright with her back hunched over and head in her hands. They had fallen asleep a while ago, Lexa managing a couple of spoonfuls of plain pasta for dinner. 

Lexa only shook her head, her whole body was trembling, there was a shiver down her spine that made her feel cold, and she wasn’t even sure what woke her up. Well, she wasn’t really sleeping, she couldn’t get past that weird stage where she _knew_ she was asleep but that wasn’t very restful. She had been up for close to an hour now, everything within her body feeling _wrong_ , Lexa had no other word to describe it. She wasn’t feeling well, she wasn’t getting better, things seemed to only be getting worse as the days passed and Lexa wasn’t sure about what to do. “I feel awful.” She mumbled past her hands, not bothering to turn to look at Clarke. 

Clarke let out a small breath, furrowing her eyebrows before sitting up and scooting closer to Lexa. “What’s wrong baby?” She placed a hand on her hand, immediately finding her trembling. “Lexa you’re trembling.” Clarke looked her over, scanning her eyes over her body. “Are you cold?” 

Lexa nodded. “And I’m hot,” She told her tiredly, “How can you b-be hot a…and cold at-t the same t-time?” 

Clarke leaned closer, placing a peck on her shoulder before speaking, “Come on, lay down.” Her hands went on Lexa’s arms, gently guiding her to lay back on the bed. 

But Lexa shook her head, “I can’t sleep.” She sighed, turning slightly to face Clarke this time. “I don’t…know what I’m feeling b-but it’s not…not nice.” She let her head fall, looking away from Clarke and at the space between them. “M-ma-maybe you’re r-right. I sh-shou-should see a doctor.”

Clarke only nodded, she really must be feeling unwell if she was volunteering to go to the doctor. Clarke had been trying to talk her into seeing someone for over a week now but Lexa wouldn’t budge. “Yeah,” She told her. “I’ll call the doctor who Dr. Jackson recommended in the morning and make an appointment.” 

“I don’t want to,” She admitted quietly, “But…I think I n-need to righ-t now.” Clarke gave her a small encouraging smile in return and a short nod before reaching up and gently caressing Lexa’s cheek. “Can…I ask you for a small f-fa-favor?” Lexa asked uncertainly after a moment and Clarke nodded immediately. She felt bad about asking, it was two in the morning right now, Clarke should be able to sleep through the night at least, she hadn’t all of the past week and a half because Lexa was up multiple times for one reason or another, or she was tossing and turning because she was uncomfortable. But well, Lexa was hungry, she had no more than a couple of spoonfuls of plain pasta and that was nowhere near enough food to keep her going till the morning. “Can you get me s-som-something to eat?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, withdrawing her hand from Lexa’s cheek, about to get up and out of the bed. “What are you in the mood for, babe?”

“Anything warm,” Lexa answered. “Is there pasta left over from dinner?” She asked her, keeping her words slow because it was getting a little difficult to speak right now. Lexa wasn’t sure why though, she was calm, she wasn’t upset, but she wasn’t feeling entirely great, or maybe it had something to do with how tired she was feeling – her mind did feel a little foggy, working slower than she would have liked it too. 

“Yeah,” Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her, happy that she was willing to eat. “I’ll get you some.” She got up from the bed, kissing Lexa’s cheek before placing her pillow against the headboard, “Lean back and rest, I’ll be back in a minute.”

With that Clarke left the bedroom, making her way down the stairs and to the kitchen. Leftovers from dinner were packed away in Tupperware containers in the refrigerator – Clarke had made pasta, her’s with sauce and Lexa’s plain just tossed with olive oil. Opening the fridge, Clarke grabbed the plastic container with the pasta and brought it out, placing it on the counter. Stepping away she opened the cupboard to get a bowl before pouring a small portion of into it and putting it in the microwave. While the food warmed up, Clarke went back to the remnants in the container, closing the lid and putting it back in the fridge; she did a quick scan of its contents, making a note to get some more sports drinks as there were only two bottles of blue Gatorade left before grabbing one of them for her partner. 

With the food and drink in her hand as well as a fork in the pasta, Clarke turned the lights off in the kitchen and made her way back up the stairs. But approaching the bedroom, Clarke could hear a small noise coming from inside, she couldn’t quite place what it was, there was a small irregular thumping, possibly against the hardwood floor. Slightly concerned, Clarke tentatively made her way inside. But what she saw was quite possibly the last thing Clarke was expecting to see. Lexa was on the floor, her body violently convulsing, and it was safe to assume that she was having a seizure. The bottle fell out of her hand, rushing to haphazardly put the bowl of pasta down on the bed as she ran over to Lexa’s side. 

Okay no, Clarke didn’t know what to do, her mind was racing and her breathing was growing rapid as her eyes scanned over Lexa’s body. She did her best to quieten her haphazard thoughts, think rationally, and help Lexa. What did she know about seizures, what did she know about helping someone having a seizure? _Right, don’t try to restrain the person and stop the seizure from happening,_ Clarke thought to herself, she had some basic knowledge from the training she got at school but none of her students were epileptic, no one at the school had had a seizure anywhere near her department – at least not since she had been working there – so maybe she was a little rusty. And seeing it in front of her was very different from the quiz she had to do after the basic medical training they got. 

“Lexa,” Clarke breathed out anxiously, kneeling down next to her. _Check the time_ , that was the second thing she remembered, she needed to know how long the seizure lasted. _And call 911_. She reluctantly pushed herself up from the floor to get her phone, her eyes not leaving Lexa for even a moment as she circled to the other side of the bed to her nightstand for her phone. _2:07_ her phone read, Clarke nodded to herself, making a note of the time – give or take a minute, or maybe even two, she didn’t know when it started since she was in the kitchen for a couple of minutes. Unlocking the phone and dialing 911, she made her way back to her fiancée’s side, kneeling down as the operator picked up on the other end. 

It lasted four minutes, four minutes before Lexa stopped convulsing and her breathing started to steady. She clenched her jaws, an aching washing over her body as her eyes adjusted to her surroundings again and found Clarke right next to her. There was a faraway look in her eyes, her breathing sounding a little wheezy as she felt Clarke’s hand coming to rest on her cheek and watching her mouth move. She was speaking to her, saying something but it took another moment before she could register the words. 

“Baby,” Clarke’s voice was small and gentle, her other hand on Lexa’s shoulder to stop her from trying to get up. “Don’t move, just lie back.” 

“Did I have a…” Her words were almost slurred, blinking slowly, the words getting lost.

Clarke nodded, a worried frown on her face as she watched her. “Just breathe, okay? You’re alright.” Lexa put her head back on the floor, noticing the stiffness in her neck for the first time and the tenderness at the back of her head from having hitting the floor while convulsing. “Ambulance is one it’s way. Should be here in about five.” 

“I’m fine.” Lexa groaned out, letting her eyes slid shut. She was tired, she was suddenly incredibly tired and all she wanted was to get into bed and drift off to sleep. “I don’t ne-” But before she could finish, she noticed something new, a wetness between and on the inside of her legs. Her hands flew to it, eyes flying open to look down at her shorts. “Oh fuck, no.” Lexa was shaking her head, ignoring the headache and fatigue in her limbs as she went to grab at the crotch of her shorts. “No.” 

“Lexa it’s okay.” Clarke tried to calm her, it was completely to lose control of some parts of your body during a seizure like this. Including the bladder, and that’s what had happened two minutes after Clarke called 911. “You’re alright, this isn’t a big deal.” She tried to tell her. “It’s normal.” 

But Lexa shook her head again, “I…wet myself, that’s…that’s n-not no-nor-n-normal.” 

“It is if you have a seizure.” Clarke tried to explain to her. “You need to take some deep breaths and relax baby, I’ll get you another set of pants and help you get changed but you need to relax after that, you can’t get worked up.”

“Cla-!” She exclaimed, trying to get up but stopped halfway and squeezed her eyes shut. Moving quickly made her head spin, made the corner of her vision go dark and Lexa had to close her eyes to keep herself steady. Her heart was pounding, it was difficult to breathe, and right now it felt like her whole world was spinning.

“Please.” Clarke pleaded, her bottom lip trembling and tears starting to sting her eyes – it was getting increasingly difficult to not get upset. “Please Lexa, just lay back for a minute and rest until the paramedics get here.”

“I-” She wasn’t trying to protest, Lexa was angry and upset at herself for what happened. But mostly, she was…embarrassed. 

“Please,” Clarke practically begged, “For me.” She was scared, her hands were trembling, her heart was racing, and she couldn’t get the image of Lexa convulsing on the floor out of her mind. “I’ll help you get changed and on the bed while we wait for the ambulance.” There was no room for argument about going to the hospital. “And yes, we _are_ going to the hospital.”

.

Lexa was lying in the hospital bed right now; it was nearing 3 am, Lexa was to stay at least the night for observation and they’d run some tests in the morning. She was too tired now, too exhausted to be doing anything and given the time of day, the doctor tending to her wanted her to get some rest right now more than anything else. The doctor she had been referred to by her medical team in DC worked at this hospital and she’d be here in the morning, so Lexa was mostly waiting to see her. But the doctor she had seen only minutes ago – who’s name she couldn’t remember – had asked about what had happened and how Lexa had been lately; Lexa had only nodded towards Clarke, too tired to speak for herself and saying how she could tell him everything. 

She was having a little difficulty breathing, it was taking more effort and felt almost like she was wheezing so Lexa had an oxygen cannula. The doctor had also given her a mild sedative to help her sleep and be able to relax, she was restless and needed rest now more than anything else. She was dehydrated too, that bit wasn’t surprising, Lexa had lost count of how many times she had thrown up during the day and there was no way she had been drinking enough to replace the lost fluids. 

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke, she was sitting on a plastic chair next to the bed. “I want to go home.” She muttered quietly. She hated being in the hospital, Lexa would much rather be at home and in their bed. She didn’t know what it was, why she felt that way, maybe it had to do with being away from home for all this time, or maybe it was because their bedroom was the only place Lexa felt safe in anymore.

“Sleep off the sedative,” Clarke told her gently. “We’ll go from there, okay?” She didn’t want to push anymore right now, they would stay until Lexa saw her new doctor but she was tired now, under the influence of the sedative they had given her. “Do you need anything?” Clarke asked her, reaching up to touch her arm. 

“No,” Lexa pulled herself away from Clarke’s touch. “I’m gross,” She explained, “Don’t t-touch me-e.”

“You’re not gross.” Clarke sighed. 

“I-I still have f-…fucking pee on me.” Lexa gritted her teeth, turning on her side and away from Clarke.

“You don’t.” Clarke tried. She had helped Lexa get cleaned up and changed by the time the ambulance had arrived. 

Lexa sighed, swallowing thickly. “Just go,” She resigned. “Go home, you don’t have to stay here.” Clarke didn’t, she didn’t have to stay here, didn’t have to spend the rest of her night in an uncomfortable chair in a hospital room yet again.

“I’m not leaving you.” Clarke told her. “Unless you want to be alone, then I’ll give you all the space you need.” She waited for a response, but Lexa only remained still. “Do you want me to go?” Again, no response, that was a no, that meant she didn’t want Clarke to leave, she knew her well enough to know that by now. “Do you want me to turn the lights off?” Lexa nodded this time, still not speaking. 

Clarke got up from her seat, first making her way to the bathroom to turn the light on and leaving the door open just a crack – no, Lexa still very much hated being in complete darkness – then turning the lights off before walking over to Lexa’s bed. She squeezed into the bed, sitting by Lexa’s head and smiling sadly at the way Lexa moved a bit closer to her. “I don’t want to leave,” Clarke said as she leaned back against the headboard, settling in as her hand came up to run through Lexa’s hair. “I _never_ want to leave, okay?” 

Lexa let out a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting the feeling of Clarke’s fingers on her scalp soothe her. “Can we go home in the morning?” She asked quietly, “I don’t…really want to be here.”

“I know.” Clarke nodded. “We’ll leave as soon as you see your new doctor, okay?” 

.

It was late in the morning when a very different doctor to last night’s knocked on the door and entered her room. She had been by earlier, the first time at eight but she came to find Lexa asleep and both her and Clarke agreed it was best to let her sleep in. She had introduced herself as Dr. Tsing, the one Dr. Jackson had referred Lexa to, so she was all caught up with her _history_ and condition, and Clarke was to call for her once Lexa was awake. Lexa had been awake for about half an hour, still feeling just as tired as she did when she fell asleep, but a lot more sore now, her muscles were tired and aching like she had had a very intense workout – or like she had been beaten up, yeah that was something she was more familiar with. 

“Good morning, Commander Woods.” Dr. Tsing said with a smile as she approached her new patient. 

But Lexa shook her head at her, looking away. “Not Commander.” She told her quietly. “Not anymore.” 

“Of course,” She gave her an understanding nod, “I’m Dr. Tsing, I’ve talked to Dr. Jackson and I’m up to date with your situation.” The doctor told her kindly, coming to stand by the side of the bed, on the opposite side to Clarke’s seat. “And I’ve also talked to the ER doctor who saw you when you came in.” Lexa gave her a nod. “So why don’t you tell me what happened?” 

“I think you already know,” Lexa answered, she did say she had talked to the ER doctor. “I had a seizure.”

Dr. Tsing nodded before asking, “How are you feeling now?” 

“Really tired.” She sounded it too, speaking slowly to not stammer. “Sore, and I have an awful headache.”

“Would you like some painkillers for that?” The doctor sounded nice, she had kind eyes, her voice understanding. “Nothing too strong,” Because this wasn't that bad of a pain, and also because Lexa’s medical records from DC had a note that said she didn’t particularly like opioids. “Either paracetamol or ibuprofen, but I’ll put it through the IV so it gets to work quicker.” 

Lexa nodded slowly, moving her head too much made the headache worse – her head just felt heavy, and moving it took a lot of effort, even strained her neck. “Yes, please.” 

“Okay, I’ll have a nurse come in with it.” Dr. Tsing nodded. “How have you been doing lately, Ms. Woods?” 

_Wow, that sounded weird_. Lexa was almost certain that she hadn’t been addressed as miss since leaving college, she was very much used to being called either just Woods, or just Commander, or Commander Woods. It took a moment before she even registered what the doctor had asked. “Uh…my brain is…a little f-fo-foggy.” She nodded towards Clarke instead. “Clarke can…tell y-you ev-e-everything.”

Clarke and Dr. Tsing stepped out to talk a moment later as a nurse came into the room to give Lexa the painkillers. She filled the doctor in on how things had been lately, how Lexa’s health was taking a dip, how she wasn’t getting better in over a week now but just worse. Clarke was worried, she still was, and Dr. Tsing had asked why they hadn’t come in to see her sooner, or even called but she understood when Clarke said Lexa didn’t want to. Lexa had been through a lot the months she was gone, a lot of things that had some long-lasting effects on her health, namely the brain damage, and from what Dr. Tsing could tell, a lot of what had been happening could have stemmed from that. As good as it was to have a reason, they still had to be sure, and whether that was the reason or something else, they still had to find out how to help Lexa and help her get better. 

The headaches, dizziness, general soreness and achiness, the sleeping problems, they were all symptoms of her brain injury. The other things, like having difficulty eating, keeping food down, feeling generally unwell were either side effects of her brain injury symptoms, or physical manifestation of her mental state, or something completely different. And that’s what they had to find out. Dr. Tsing wanted to run some tests, get a scan for not only her brain but the rest of her body too. She would have preferred an MRI scan – but she knew Lexa was claustrophobic and how she had a panic in the machine so MRIs were off the table for her – but they’d have to go with a CT scan. 

.

It was approaching 2 pm as Lexa laid back in bed after getting back from the CT scan. They were waiting for other test results too, and Lexa would have to stay back until at least then. But after learning about the past week and a half, Dr. Tsing wanted Lexa to stay here a couple of days until she was feeling better or at least improving because it had been downhill lately. Lexa wasn’t sure about that, she was itching to go back home, she hated being here. 

“I don’t want to be here.” Lexa spoke after a minute, her eyes not meeting Clarke’s because she knew what she was going to say. But after two blood tests, a physical exam, and a CT scan, Lexa was already done with strangers poking and prodding her. “I want to go home.” 

“It’ll only be a couple of days.” Clarke told her gently, now sitting on the edge of Lexa’s bed, hands going to pick up the thin blanket and drape it over Lexa. “Not even a week, alright?” But Lexa shook her head, her eyes looking past her. “Babe you haven’t been well lately, I’m worried. So is Dr. Tsing.” 

“I’m fine.” Lexa clenched her jaws, turning her head away, looking to the side and away from Clarke. 

“You haven’t been able to keep food down for too many days, you’ve been in bed for a week, you can’t take more than a few steps without getting tired or dizzy.” Clarke listed off, slight disbelief in her voice at Lexa saying she was fine. And this wasn’t even mentioning the seizure that happened less than twelve hours ago. 

“Yeah,” Lexa sighed. At this point, Lexa wasn’t sure what was causing her health problems, but she knew it was directly related to the months she spent as a captive; namely, it was all somehow connected to the brain damage. That’s what she got from her time in the hospital anyway, there were a lot of things that it could cause, even some things that wouldn’t seem obvious but there was a lot more to it than just occasional headaches and the difficulty she had speaking. “But I’m fine.”

“They’re just running some tests.” Clarke did her best to not get worked up. She was scared, and worried, and upset, and right now all she wanted was to put her foot down and be firm with Lexa. But…Clarke knew that wouldn’t solve anything, Lexa was stubborn as it was – they both were, and sometimes that made things a little difficult but they knew how to work with that – and after everything that had happened, she was convinced that she was weak and broken and felt like she had to do whatever she could to prove that she _wasn’t_. “They wanna make sure everything is okay with you.”

“They don’t need to run any g-god-damned tests!” Lexa snapped, her voice rising and upset as she sat up on the bed. “It’s b-be-because of t-the br-bra-brain damage!” She couldn’t hold herself back anymore, her voice was trembling and cracking but she couldn’t keep the volume, it felt like she had been holding back for who knows how long. “ _It’s all b-b-…because of my f-fu-f-fucked up brain!_ ” Lexa continued to lash out, her breathing growing heavy now as tears filled her eyes. “ _Their t-t-tests aren’t g-go-ing to say any-an-anything diff-different._ ” She shook her head, swallowing the lump in her throat, unable to stop. “ _IT’S ME, I’M W-WHAT’S WRONG!_ ”

Given any other circumstance, Clarke would have raised her voice too, would have yelled right back at her but…these weren’t normal circumstances, nothing had been normal since the day Lexa went missing, and as close as Clarke was to bursting out of frustration with her incredibly stubborn fiancée. It was just the stubbornness that frustrated her, Lexa being unwell and needing to be taken care of was never a problem, it was not a problem to Clarke that she had to wake up in the middle of the night, or had to help her partner get dressed, or make her food, or even feed her when she was at her weakest. No, the frustration came from Lexa’s stubbornness, from her defiance to get any help. 

“Okay, maybe it is your brain that’s causing all of this.” Clarke spoke calmly after a beat of silence passed, taking a deep breath and watching Lexa with worried eyes; yeah, things like this were becoming increasingly common with her now. But after the past week and a half, Clarke couldn’t quite blame Lexa for lashing out like this, if anything Clarke had expected it to have happened sooner given how she was, given how her brain worked now, and given how easy it was for her to get upset. “But we don’t know that for sure.”

“It is.” Lexa quipped, voice quieter now, almost sounding hoarse from yelling. 

“Okay,” Clarke gave a small nod, giving in to her. “But the test results will still tell them what to do to help you.” 

“I don’t w-wa-want th-em to hel-p me.” Lexa clenched her jaws, looking away from Clarke, her voice now low. “They can’t.” The tears were now spilling freely, she wanted to go home, she wanted to be in _her space_ , she didn’t want to be around strangers in yet another new place. She wanted her bed, her home, her room, her partner in bed with her. _My partner who I just lashed out at, again_. _My partner, who has been here the whole time. My partner, who has been the most patient and understanding person in the universe. My partner who I keep snapping at_. But god, she couldn’t control it, she still didn’t have a handle on her emotions and Lexa knew it was part the brain injury and part the PTSD – that she still hadn’t seen anyone about to get a proper diagnosis, it was a given though. It would take time, she’d need to work on it, she’d need to better on it better than she was right now because it was only about time before Clarke had enough of her outbursts. 

“I’m sorry,” She muttered quietly, embarrassed about her behavior once again. “I just,” Lexa let out a shaky, letting her head fall into her hands. “Really…want to go home.” She shook her head slowly, “This place is…taking m-my mind b-back.”

Clarke gently squeezed her thigh, nodding understandingly. “It’ll only be for a few days.” She tried to tell her. “You’re not well, Lexa. You really need to be here right now.” 

“I don’t want to be here,” Her voice wavered, lips trembling as she looked up at Clarke with red eyes. “I want to go home.” 

“Lex, hey.” Clarke could see it was getting emotional, and within a blink of an eye, Clarke wasn’t frustrated anymore. She took her hands in her’s, holding her gaze. “Everything is okay, you’re okay.” She kept her voice gentle, giving her a soft smile. “Your body is just acting up, and needs a little extra help. Which the doctors can do.” But Lexa shook her head. “It won’t be for long.”

“Home,” Lexa said desperately. “Please.” She almost sounded scared, she almost was, being here reminded her of being back in DC, reminded her of being at her worse point since getting back, reminded her of when her injuries were at their worst, when she couldn’t wake, couldn’t so much pick up a spoon to feed herself, she could even remember the way her wounds felt under the bandages. And for some reason, it felt like being here would take her back to that point in her recovery. Sure, things were bad now, but it really had been a lot worse, she had made progress since the day she woke up to find Dr. Jackson at the foot of her bed.

“I’ll stay here with you.” Clarke tried again. “The whole time, you won’t be alone.” 

“ _Please!_ ” Lexa practically begged, fear in her eyes, voice trembling. 

Clarke gave her a worried look, nodding this time. “Okay,” No, she wasn’t expecting Lexa to sound so afraid. “I’ll talk to Dr. Tsing and get your paperwork filled out.” She tried to reassure her, no there was no point in putting more pressure on her emotionally, which might even lead to her getting worse physically. “Then we’ll leave, okay?”

Lexa nodded at her, visibly relaxing as Clarke finally agreed. “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry she will be okay. she really should stay at the hospital but its pretty difficult when it brings up memories like that. and i will get into whats been causing all this (to the best of my ability) and also slowly work on her getting better at least physically. i promise the fic will have a happy ending lmao. ANYWHOS thank you for reading. leave me a comment. let me know what you thought.


	27. Small improvements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts off with Clexa coming home from the hospital, and it's on a more positive note than the last two. Dr. Tsing let Lexa go home with a couple of new drugs and they've been helping her feel better. There's also a kind of sad conversation between Clarke and Lexa, Lexa talking to her about how it feels like now when she gets emotional or upset, and how hard it is to control. She also feels bad about the way she snapped at Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise this is a nicer chapter. it would have been up hours ago. but like i got AC Valhalla for xmas and i've been playing that. like oof its so good. but yeah i thought lexa deserved a little break so she's getting that now. lexa's test results are back too. she's on new medication. she's got a supportive gf. she'll get there, she'll be okay.

It was nearing 4 pm as Clarke unlocked the front door and led Lexa into the living room and helped her onto the couch. They left soon after Lexa’s _almost_ meltdown, she just seemed scared, and Clarke didn’t have the heart to argue with her. As much as she needed to stay at the hospital for a few days, both Clarke and her new doctor figured that putting her under mental and emotional stress would only make things worse. So Clarke had filled out the paperwork, helped Lexa get dressed, and they headed out with some more advice from Dr. Tsing who promised to call them once the test results were back.

It seemed quite clear that a lot of the symptoms were from Lexa’s brain injury, and Dr. Tsing said she would look into medications to help with them once they got the test results back to know for sure what was happening. In the meantime, however, she prescribed Lexa some drugs to help with the current issues; Atarax for the nausea and codeine for her headache. She was reluctant to really because this was an opioid after all, and given Lexa’s mental state – or any veteran’s – they had to be careful with drugs like this, drugs that they could potentially become dependent on. But what helped was that Lexa already had access to one opioid – fentanyl – and she had no issues with it at all, so Dr. Tsing felt confident in this being fine for her. Besides, this wasn’t as strong as the other one, and Lexa mentioned how she didn’t like how it made her feel so something less strong would be ideal; besides, over-the-counter drugs weren’t working for her.

The others were recommendations to pick up from the pharmacy as they were over the counter; Unisom SleepMelts to help her get a better night’s sleep, and a multivitamin and mineral supplement to make up for the past almost two weeks of not getting enough nutrients. Lexa was having a difficult time staying asleep throughout the night and right now, this was just a temporary measure to see how well it worked. Dr. Tsing had a feeling that it wouldn’t be as effective, but it was always best to start out with something weaker than to go for the prescription grade sleeping-aids. So they would circle back to this at Lexa’s follow-up appointment in about a week or so to see how it was working out, if it didn’t help her sleep, then she would give her a prescription for something more prominent.

Another pressing issue was Lexa’s seizure. It was quite a common side effect of people with traumatic brain injury to suffer from occasional seizures, but up until now Lexa had shown no signs of it and the doctor was hoping this was just a one-off thing because of her general physical state. So she had asked both Lexa and Clarke to watch out for anymore seizures, if it happened again to make a note of the time, and how long it lasted, and possibly anything that could have triggered it. Dr. Tsing also went over different types of seizures, telling them both that it wasn’t always as obvious to spot as convulsions. If this was, indeed, another symptom of her brain injury making itself known as something regular, she assured Lexa there was medication that would help keep them under control but they would have to wait to get the test results back and give it some time to see whether or not something like this happened again.

“Why is this happening?” Lexa spoke quietly as she leaned back on the couch. She really had no idea why this was happening, why she was so weak right now, why her physical health was declining with no sign of improvement. “I thought I was getting better.” Her voice was just above a whisper, so low that Clarke almost missed it as she sat down next to her. Lexa really had been getting better, she had been getting stronger, the pains and aches weren’t as bad, the tremors in her hand were controllable to the point they didn’t cause major disruptions in her days, her bad leg had been getting stronger so moving around had been getting easier. But now, the past almost two weeks, it felt like all of that was for nothing, like it had all been wiped out.

“You are.” Clarke tried, “You are getting better.” But Lexa shook her head, leaning against Clarke’s side and closing her eyes. “You’re healing and recovering from so much Lexa,” She told her, her arm coming up and going around Lexa’s shoulders to hold her close. “Physically, mentally, emotionally, it’s a lot.” Her other hand went to the side of Lexa’s head, gently urging it to move to rest on her chest. “And recovery isn’t a straight line, there’s going to be ups and downs.”

Lexa sighed, pressing her face into Clarke, mumbling quietly. “It’s just been…down the past two weeks.”

“I know,” Clarke nodded reluctantly, “We just have to wait to see what the doctors find, and then I’m sure things will start to look up.”

Lexa didn’t respond, only remained silent as she rested against Clarke. It was nice being back home, she felt safe, she felt comfortable but every cell in her body was screaming at her to go back to bed. “I wish I could go back.” Lexa spoke after a couple of seconds, her voice coming out low and scratchy. “To before all of this…to when things were okay.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, tears threatening to escape with every word she spoke. “When things were good.”

Clarke kissed the top of her head, her heart aching at the way Lexa sounded. “Give it time, things will get better-”

“It won’t fix it.” Lexa cut her off, sounding defeated. “Time won’t… _undo_ all the things t-that hap-happen…happened.”

“It’ll make it easier to deal with,” Clarke settled on instead; Lexa was right, it wasn’t going to undo all the damage, or erase the traumas she had been through, but it would at least become easier to handle as time passed.

Lexa took a deep breath, letting her body relax as she listened to Clarke, wanting nothing more than to agree but fearing that would just be getting her hopes up. “Maybe,” She relented. “Hopefully, at least.” Hesitantly, she turned her head up to look at Clarke. “Because…I don’t want m-my life t-to be like… _this_.” Her eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed from holding the tears back, there was a waver in her voice that made it very easy to tell Lexa was very close to crying. “I don’t want to live a life where all I am is…” She paused, taking a deep breath to pull herself together as she spoke slowly. “…broken, and damaged, and…” Her voice was cracking with every word that left her lips, “Nothing more than…a weak and helpless vet.” Lexa only watched Clarke, wanting her to say something, anything that would offer some sort of comfort.

“You’re so much more than that, Lexa.” Clarke told her, her own voice cracking as a lone tear escaped Lexa’s eye. “So, so, so much more,” She tightened her arm around her fiancée, wanting to bring her closer.

Lexa placed her head back on Clarke’s chest with a sigh, “I don’t know…” She mumbled. “Right now, it doesn’t feel like it.” She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. “I just want to feel okay again.”

.

“Feeling a little better?” Clarke asked as the two of them went about getting ready for bed later that night. Lexa had been taking her new drugs, she had to take the anti-nausea medication four times a day, the pain killers whenever she felt her headache coming on, and the sleeping pills were for half an hour or so before bed. So far, the anti-nausea one and the codeine had been helping. She managed to eat more for dinner tonight than the past week, not so much during the day because the drug still hadn’t taken effect, but it seemed to be a lot better by dinner time. And well, Clarke could see it already, Lexa already looked she was gaining strength, her cheeks weren’t as pale right now, her movements less sluggish.

Lexa nodded as she yawned, “Actually, yes.” She looked at Clarke as she made her way back to the bed from the dresser with a sleeping t-shirt. “I forgot food made you feel good.” She gave her half a smile as she sat down and set her crutch down on the floor next to the bed. “And remembered how awful,” Lexa paused as she took off the shirt she was wearing, “Just not eating,” She paused again, pulling on the new shirt. “Made me feel.” That was very much true, it seemed like the past week wouldn’t have been as bad as it was if she had been able to eat. The first few days weren’t _as bad_ , sure she didn’t have much of an appetite, but she was still able to keep the food down. So finally, finally being able to have a proper meal was already making Lexa feel better.

“Imagine what a good night’s sleep is also going to do then.” Clarke couldn’t help but smile, this was a very good improvement since this afternoon. “Here,” Clarke popped out a pill from the leaf, holding out the sleeping pill for Lexa.

“I…don’t think this is going to…help much,” Lexa shrugged lightly, taking it from Clarke as her free hand picked up the water bottle from her nightstand. “It would be nice if it did though,” Lexa added once she had taken it.

“Well, if it doesn’t, Dr. Tsing will prescribe you something stronger until your sleep settles.” Clarke told her, moving closer to her on the bed until she was sitting behind Lexa. “You’re doing good.” She told her, leaning forward to rest her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. “Trust me, this is the first step to things getting better again.”

“I hope so,” Lexa relaxed against her, feeling as Clarke’s hands went to rest on her hips. “I’m sorry about the last few days,” She told her quietly, hands going to rest over Clarke’s. “I know I’ve been difficult…and things have just…”

“I know,” Clarke stopped her, “I know, the last two weeks have been…bad to say the least. You don’t have to apologize for it.”

“I do for how I have been.” Lexa shook her head, speaking quietly and slowly. “You’ve been…so great and I’ve been awful Clarke I’m so sorry.” She turned in her place to face her partner, moving until she was sitting across from Clarke and holding her hands in her’s.

“Nope,” Clarke shook her head, giving her a soft smile. “I don’t want you to feel bad, okay?” She told her, this was only the first day back home from the hospital and Lexa was already making progress. “You hadn’t eaten, you hadn’t slept, you were pain, baby I can’t blame you for being upset.”

“It was more than just upset, Clarke.” Lexa looked down at her lap and away from Clarke, ashamed to meet her eye. “I snapped at you, _again_. I yelled at you. Got mad at you. For no reason at all.” She sighed, “That’s not me.” Lexa looked up at Clarke this time, her lower lip quivering. “You know that’s not me.” She shook her head. “I don’t want that to…become me.” Lexa was…almost scared about that, about that becoming her, scared that she would turn into someone angry and erratic and temperamental. She wasn’t like that, she _hadn’t_ been like that, but nowadays keeping her emotions under control was quite difficult.

Clarke leaned forward, kissing Lexa’s forehead, “I know that’s not you.” She reassured. “Look,” She sighed, giving in. “I know things are…different right now, and I know your mind works differently, and so do your emotions and sometimes they’re hard to…control.” Clarke didn’t want to say the wrong thing, didn’t want to make Lexa feel worse about it than she already did. But well, it was the truth, that was how she things were right now, her brain worked differently and Lexa was still learning how exactly it worked. “So I can’t hold it against you, Lex, it’s not your fault and I know that’s not you.”

“Clarke I’ve never raised my voice at you.” She told her sadly. “And I never wanted to.”

Clarke sighed, bringing herself forward and wrapping her arms around Lexa in a hug. “Oh baby, I know.” She told her, Lexa melting into her embrace. “I know you. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’re going through now, it’s difficult and it’s a lot to deal with. So sometimes it comes out in ways you don’t want it to.” Lexa took in a shaky breath. “That’s not your fault.”

“I gotta work on it.” She muttered quietly against her and slowly shaking her head. “I have to learn to control it because…right now I can’t, Clarke.” Lexa brought herself up, looking at worriedly. “When I get upset it just…turns to anger, into blinding white rage.” She hadn’t talked about it yet, she had barely thought about it herself really; from all the things she came with, this was the hardest to accept, it was hard to accept that her mind didn’t feel like her’s anymore and relearning to control it has been a learning curve. “And I…I don’t know how to deal with that, I’m not used to… _anger_.” Lexa really wasn’t, anger wasn’t something she’d felt often before all of this. “I never was. And now it’s…even harder to hold it back, Clarke.” Lexa sighed, clearly frustrated by herself. She hated how it felt now, whenever the emotions got overwhelming, Lexa found herself seeing red, unable to hold it in or contain it, it had her mind screaming, her body trembling and…she just had to get it out.

“We’ll figure it out.” Clarke spoke quietly, bringing her hand up to brush a strand of hair away from Lexa’s face. “You’ll figure it out, you’ll get a hang if it babe.”

“I don’t know,” Lexa said as she thought about it, “I can’t really…explain how it feels.” She told Clarke honestly. “It kind of takes over like, I’m there but…I’m not the one in control.” She furrowed her eyebrows, like she was realizing it herself for the first time, “Like driving. Before I was…in the driver’s seat, in total control. Now when I get emotional…it’s like…the car is on autopilot…?” It came out more as a question, she wasn’t good with analogies but this seemed to be the only way to explain it that made sense to her. “And I can’t turn that off…?” Lexa tilted her head in slight confusion, “Does that make sense?”

Clarke nodded slowly, “Yeah, I think it does.” She let out a sigh, thinking as she took Lexa’s hands in her’s again. “I guess we have to figure out…” She thought for a moment, “How to program the autopilot.” Clarke suggested, uncertain of what the right thing to say would be. She _knew_ what she wanted to say, but she didn’t know _how_ to say it. “So it can take the car where you need it to go, via the route you want,” She gave Lexa a small reassuring smile, “Even if you can’t control it.”

“But I don’t know how to do that.” Lexa admitted with a disappointed sigh.

“You’ll figure it out.” Clarke reassured. “It might take some time, but you’ll figure it out. And I’ll be here every step of the way.” Lexa seemed a bit more at ease at Clarke’s gentle smile. “I’ll help anyway I can, you’re not alone babe, things are just going to take some time.” To her surprise, Lexa nodded, she was in a much better mood tonight than the rest of the day, the rest of past week, past two weeks even. “Now come on, I’ll put some lotion on your back and then we can go to sleep.”

* * *

Things seemed to be improving since getting back from the hospital, since Lexa started being able to eat again, since she started sleeping a little better again, since the headaches started to get more under control. The painkillers and anti-nausea drugs were working quite well, the codeine didn’t make Lexa feel nearly as tired or sluggish after taking it as she did with the fentanyl, it wasn’t as strong but it was enough to help with the headaches. The Atarax was no short of a miracle, Lexa realized as she put her plate away after breakfast. It had really started to work since later on in the night of the first day, and even yesterday Lexa couldn’t stomach much food at a time without feeling sick. But it had still been helping immensely, even just being able to eat two _very small_ meals made her feel much better.

Today though, today had been better again, Lexa didn’t have much of a breakfast, worried that it would set her off again especially since she had just woken up. So she had stuck to a slice of toast with jam and some orange juice; she had only gotten back from the hospital day before yesterday, but Lexa could feel herself already getting stronger. _Oh what a difference a few extra calories can make_ , Lexa thought to herself as she made her way out of the kitchen, close behind Clarke and to the living room. She sat down slowly, feeling a little sleepy already – they hadn’t been awake for more than a couple of hours; over an hour had been spent in bed just cuddling after waking up, Lexa was in a better mood after all, then they had come down for breakfast.

“You already look better.” Clarke said as she settled into the armchair and Lexa on the couch, moving to lay down with her back propped up against the armrest. “Do you want to take a nap though?”

“Possibly.” Lexa nodded with a sigh, watching as Clarke picked up her sketchbook from the small side table and Lexa turned the TV on. “The sleeping pills aren’t really working.”

Clarke nodded, they weren’t doing much, she was sleeping more in the night than the past two weeks but it wasn’t by much. “Dr. Tsing is supposed to call later today with your test results, you can mention it to her.” She was going to call sometimes this afternoon, and Clarke had a feeling they hadn’t found anything _alarming_ , or the doctor would have called sooner. “She did say, she’d prescribe you something stronger if this didn’t work.”

The call came around one, Lexa having fallen asleep so Clarke answered and talked to the doctor. Lexa had given _clearance_ , so to speak, to Clarke over her medical information; she was a little too exhausted by it all, tired of hearing about all the things that were wrong with her, and besides, she could barely remember half the things her doctors told her. So Clarke didn’t mind taking the phone call, preferred it actually in case there was bad news, it would be easier for Clarke to break it to Lexa than for her to have to hear it from yet another doctor. But, thankfully, it wasn’t an eventful call, there wasn’t much news– not bad, not good, just not much news at all.

They hadn’t found much, and Clarke wasn’t sure whether this was good or bad; the scans hadn’t come back with much, compared to the brain scan from back in DC, there was practically no change. That was good in a way, it meant her brain hadn’t deteriorated further, but well, it also meant it hadn’t improved in the slightest either in all this time – Clarke knew the damage was permanent, so did Lexa. There was still a possibility of things to get better, it was supposed to really, but if this was anything to go by, that didn’t seem very likely at the moment, Lexa’s brain probably wasn’t going to physically improve any more than it had. Given the results from the scan, it was clear that her traumatic brain injury wasn’t the reason behind her seizure.

The blood test did come back with some things, but nothing too serious, most importantly that her blood sugar levels were low. That was to be expected after how little she had eaten prior to the hospital trip and this was also the best explanation the doctor could give for the seizure. Clarke filled Dr. Tsing in on how Lexa was doing too, told her that she was making progress, slowly but steadily thankfully. She told the doctor how Lexa was being able to eat more, it was smaller meals but it was definitely a lot more than before – she had only thrown up twice since getting back – and the increased calories were helping her get stronger. But her sleep wasn’t great, Dr. Tsing was expecting to hear that because over-the-counter sleeping aids weren’t too strong and with issues like Lexa’s, it wasn’t nearly enough.

Dr. Tsing penned Lexa in for a follow-up appointment in a week’s time to see how she was doing and make any necessary adjustments to her medications. She asked Clarke to have Lexa keep on the Unisom SleepMelts – unless her sleep improved on its own, of course – and they’d look into prescription ones during the follow-up if she needed it.

* * *

“Well, isn’t this a nice surprise.” Clarke said with a smile as she opened the backdoor to the backyard. This was the first morning in a while she had woken up to not find Lexa in bed with her. For a moment, Clarke was worried, looking around the room before getting herself off the bed and walking downstairs to check the backyard. And surely, that’s where her fiancée was; Clarke could see her through the frosted glass of the backdoor, sitting in her usual seat on the couch outside with a blanket around her shoulders and a steaming mug clasped in her hands.

“Good morning,” Clarke greeted as she stepped up to her before sitting down.

“Good, indeed.” Lexa replied with a half-smile, turning her head to look at Clarke who was only wearing a sweatshirt. “Here,” She scooted closer to Clarke, unwrapping the blanket from around one of her shoulders to put it around Clarke as well. “It’s a little cold.”

“You should be wearing a jacket.” Clarke commented, not protesting as Lexa shared her blanket with her. Well, she wasn’t wearing one either but Clarke hadn’t woken up and gotten out of bed with the intension of being outside when it was around 45oF out. “It’s cold.” She added as she snuggled closer to her partner, taking the mug from her hand to take a sip.

“I’m wearing a sweater.” Lexa shrugged, “And I have a blanket.” Clarke silently returned the mug to her hand, nodding and leaning her head against her shoulder.

“Why in the world are you up so early?” She asked jokingly, it was nice to see it though, Lexa must be feeling better.

“It’s eight.”

“It’s early.”

“It’s _past_ eight,” Lexa corrected herself. “You’re usually at work by this time.” She reminded her. “It’s not that early.”

“We have different definitions of early.” Clarke settled. “You look better,” She commented.

“I feel better. Good actually…I feel good.” Lexa nodded. “Oh,” She suddenly remembered. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Clarke brought herself up, looking at Lexa questioningly. “When are you going back to work?” She really hadn’t thought about it in a while, it seemed to have slipped her mind but it’d been a while since Lexa got back, since Clarke has been with her, so it was only a matter of time before Clarke had to return to work.

“Start of next month.” Clarke told her; she was on an extended leave given the circumstances, and she had been told she could extend it further if need be but it wouldn’t be paid – or partially paid even – if it was longer than that. “I can take longer if I want,” She looked at Lexa, “If _you_ want.” She told her. “The school knows what’s going on and they get it if I need to stay home for a while.”

Lexa nodded at what Clarke said, a part of her didn’t want to be alone, but there was another part that wanted to get settled back into her life. And that meant spending the days alone at home – besides, it wasn’t long, Clarke was a teacher after all, she wasn’t gone _all day_ – doing her own thing, looking after herself, keeping herself busy. She was doing alright with all of that before her health took a dip, she hadn’t been worried as much about Clarke going back to work as she was a couple days ago. “No, I should be fine.” She told Clarke, meaning it. “I mean, you’re home by…four. I used to work till later than that.” She shrugged, “I can keep myself busy till then.”

Clarke nodded, leaning in and kissing her softly on the lips. “See, things are going back to the new normal.” She pointed out with a smile, Lexa returning it. “You’re getting better again.” Clarke placed her head back on Lexa’s shoulder. “You’re up before me, you’re practically begging to catch a cold, and I’m snuggled up next to you.” She let out a small laugh, “Pretty normal for us.”

“Feels pretty normal, yeah.” Lexa agreed. It really did, and in moments like these, it did feel like things could settle down and go back to normal – well, to a new normal, to their new normal that they had been working on since Lexa got back home. It just…made her feel like life could feel normal again. The two weeks she spent…ill, sick, weak, whatever it was, it was just a bump in the road but it was enough to make Lexa feel scared, scared that it would be a recurring thing, scared that she wouldn’t get better but maybe just worse as time went on. But after knowing what her test results came back with, and after the past week of resting and recovering, Lexa felt a lot better.

They were seeing Dr. Tsing today, she had her follow-up appointment with her and the only thing Lexa could think to talk about was her sleep. It wasn’t as bad, but there were more nights than not where she couldn’t fall asleep, or if even did, she couldn’t stay asleep throughout the night. And it wasn’t even anything particular that woke her up, not nightmares or aches or flashbacks, she just wasn’t able to sleep through the night. Her headaches had gotten better with the new painkillers, they were less frequent now anyways so she didn’t need to take the drugs often. Her nausea had gotten a lot better, non-existent the past three days; she was nearing the end of her prescription and Lexa had a feeling Dr. Tsing wouldn’t ask her to stay on them much longer.

“I don’t want to jinx it,” Lexa started after a minute of silence. “But it feels like it’s going to be a pretty good day.”

“Yeah?” Clarke asked, “I think so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cute ending? cute ending. i have two things planned for the next chapter and one of those things involves Clarke more than lexa so i'm excited for that. anyways thanks for reading, leave me a comment with your thoughts.


	28. New friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts the day after the last chapter. Clarke is finally seeking out some sort of support and joins a support group for partners of veterans. It was about time she found someone to talk to, and everyone in the group is very nice and welcoming. One person in particular, her and Clarke get along well, to the point where the two of them decide to meet up - along with their partners, of course. So not only is Clarke finding someone who relates to her experiences and she can talk to, but Lexa might be too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update???? finally??? god i am so sorry. 4 weeks instead of 2 i'm so so so sorry. two reasons, 1) i had exams, exam week and all that, but i managed to get the baby fic updated. 2) i'm kinda sorta working on a book, and i got swept up by that too much to work on my fics. and 3) i wrote half the chapter like over a week ago. but it was shit. it was awful. and i could have rushed it, and gotten it out. but i didn't want to do that, it was just awful. so yeah.
> 
> so like. i figured out last night what i wanted this chapter to be. up until then it was blank. and then i started writing it. and out of nowhere this new character comes in. and then their partner too. and then by the time i was done with the chapter, it was completely different to what i had planned. ANYWAYS. clexa are making new friends and that is very exciting.

Clarke was seating in Lexa’s side of their shared studio/office behind her laptop. She was in a zoom group session that her therapist had recommended. Things were difficult, they had been since Lexa got back, there was no pretending otherwise, it had been difficult since she went missing really and Clarke was someone who believed in the benefits of therapy and counselling. She’s had a therapist since she was in college, even when it wasn’t something other people would consider _serious enough,_ she found it helpful to talk through her feelings and thoughts in a constructive and professional setting. So, it made sense to talk to her therapist now, Clarke had been meaning to for weeks, since they came back home but she hadn’t gotten the chance to until yesterday.

So, after Lexa’s appointment with Dr. Tsing and with things settling down, Clarke mentioned to Lexa how she wanted to see her therapist again. In other circumstances, Lexa would have been worried that she was being too much for Clarke, that Clarke couldn’t cope with everything Lexa came back with, but for once, Lexa actually listened to the logical part of her brain. The part that told her how Clarke went to her therapist back in college when she was stressed with a deadline, or when she’d had a fight with her mom, or when anything at all was wrong; Clarke benefitted greatly from therapy so Lexa knew this wasn’t about her or because of her.

Clarke had an appointment with him yesterday, filling him in on what had been happening. She admitted that things were difficult, not because of Lexa, no, Lexa wasn’t making things difficult, it was more of the things Lexa was going through. It was upsetting, and quite a lot to handle for one person without any other support. Clarke was quick to clarify that she wasn’t having problems with Lexa or with taking care of her but just that…she felt isolated in her experiences, even their friends had kind of just disappeared, it was hard seeing Lexa suffering and struggling and half the time Clarke didn’t know how to deal with her emotions. All she wanted was to be able to talk to someone about this, so her therapist recommended a support group to her, a group for partners of veterans and today was her first meeting with them.

The next in-person meeting was in a week’s time, but Clarke didn’t really want to leave Lexa home alone and it was a little out of the way. So it actually worked out perfectly for her because the next online meeting was the day after she spoke with her therapist. Lexa was currently napping, she knew Clarke had her meeting today and had encouraged her to go through with it because Clarke wasn’t entirely sure. It would be good for her, Lexa knew that, she was here to support her through it all since the moment she came back home, and if anything, it was about time Clarke found someone or something that could offer her some support with all of this. It hadn’t been easy, none of it had been easy, Lexa saw how Clarke got upset every time she wasn’t feeling well, or when she was having a bad day, it was a lot to go through on her own.

There were seven other people on the call with Clarke, all of whom seemed very nice and welcoming from the get-go. This was only the second meeting for the group, Clarke being the newest member because she didn’t want to wait till another group started. The meeting was for an hour, Clarke couldn’t quite explain how helpful and comforting it was to know there were others dealing with almost the exact same thing as her. The hardest part about it so far had been not being able to talk to anyone about it, her friends were next to non-existent at this point, and well, it was lonely.

There was about ten minutes left for the call when Clarke felt two very familiar arms coming down the sides of her neck before Lexa rested her chin on Clarke’s head. She hadn’t noticed her coming into the room, but couldn’t help but smile at her. “Guys this is Lexa,” She said into the screen. “They say hi,” Clarke said in greeting.

“Your camera’s on?” Nope, Lexa didn’t count on that, and quickly stepped back. “Sorry,” She said at the screen, not being able to hear what the others were saying as Clarke was wearing headphones. “I’ll be downstairs,” She said to Clarke, leaning down and kissing her temple.

Clarke nodded, turning her head to catch her lips instead for a quick kiss before Lexa began to walk out. “We have ten minutes left, I’ll see you then.”

It was…a little weird after that. A couple of them had questions about Clarke and Lexa’s relationship, saying how they were having a difficult time with their partners since they came back from their last deployments. Which was understandable really, it was a difficult situation but Clarke hadn’t for a moment felt like it put a strain on their relationship. But that wasn’t the consensus within the group. There were three other members of the group who’s partners had suffered a traumatic brain injury, one of who’s name was Karen, so Clarke should have expected what she said. Instead she was surprised when Karen said her and her husband had had numerous fights since he got back when he had outbursts or couldn’t keep his emotions in check or freaked out over something _insignificant_.

Clarke didn’t…understand that because why would you argue with your partner or fight over something like this? Over something that was out of their control? And well, it turned out that she was in the minority when it came to not having problems with their partners because of…the issues they brought back from their deployments. Yes, sometimes it was difficult to understand what they were going through, and it was painful to see them go through everything they were but…Clarke didn’t quite understand why anyone would get mad at their partner for struggling, or for not being how they _used to be_ , or needing extra support with basic tasks. With PTSD, or a traumatic brain injury, or both, their emotions and thoughts worked differently than _before_ , so it wasn’t their fault when they said the wrong thing, or acted out, or reacted too strongly, they didn’t really have any control over it. And Clarke couldn’t quite imagine being upset at Lexa for something like that.

There seemed to be only one other person who related to Clarke, saying how their relationship hadn’t been affected at all. Her name was Niylah, her wife was in the marines until three months ago when she came back from her last deployment. Luna, Niylah’s wife, had gotten blown up by a landmine and a lot of her injuries were similar to Lexa’s with the addition of having lost her left arm. Niylah agreed that the hardest part of it all had been watching her wife suffer and be in pain, both mentally and physically but it hadn’t put a strain on their relationship, not in the slightest. Clarke and Niylah seemed to click from the start, sure everyone was welcoming and nice, but they found it easy to talk to one another and by the end of the one hour, they had swapped phone numbers to stay in touch even outside of the group.

Closing the laptop and rubbing her eyes, Clarke pushed herself up from the chair and made her way out of the study to go downstairs to Lexa. She really should have been wearing her glasses, she was looking at the screen for a whole hour and the blue light always gave her a headache. Clarke didn’t need glasses, they weren’t prescription ones, but just blue light blocking ones. The headaches had started in her sophomore year of high school and there wasn’t any _medical_ reason for it that the doctors could find; her eyesight was fine, every test and scan came back clear – something her mom had insisted on, _just to be on the safe side, Clarke_ , Abby had said.

So the only thing Clarke could notice was that it happened after looking at screens in close proximity for too long. So she cut down on her screen time, took to taking her notes by hand rather than on the computer. It wasn’t until about a week after her and Lexa got together that she found a very simple solution to her problem.

_~ Flashback ~_

_“What’s wrong?” Lexa asked as she sat on Clarke’s bed, the two of them working on their respective assignments. Her girlfriend was sitting on the other end, currently rubbing her eyes and groaning._

_“Head hurts.” Clarke complained. “I’ve been looking at the screen longer than I should be.”_

_“The screen gives you headaches?” Lexa questioned, sitting up straight and tilting her head._

_“Oh yeah,” Clarke nodded, “It always has, since the start-ish of high school.”_

_“That’s why you have a billion notebooks,” Lexa said in realization, she had wondered why Clarke had so many notebooks when she still carried her laptop around._

_“And they’re pretty,” Clarke shrugged, closing the notebook next to her laptop and holding it up for Lexa to see. It was dark blue one, with golden constellations on the cover._

_“Here, try this.” Lexa took off the glasses she was wearing and tossed it across the bed to Clarke._

_“My eyesight’s fine,” Clarke told her, picking it up from the bed but not putting it on. “I had it tested multiple times.”_

_“I have twenty/twenty vision, I don’t need glasses.” She responded. “Try it on,”_

_Clarke put it on, blinking a couple of times before looking at her screen, “Oh, hello.” She said in surprise, everything looked…warmer and calmer, suddenly her eyes felt a lot less strained. “What is this?”_

_Lexa couldn’t help but laugh at how amazed Clarke was by it, “It’s a blue-light blocking glass, people usually wear it for gaming.” She explained. “I’m not proud to admit this but during high school I was very big on World of Warcraft, and a fellow player recommended these.” She told Clarke, “I don’t play World of Warcraft anymore but I hung onto the glasses – well, I bought multiple since then, but I hung onto the habit of wearing them when looking at screens for prolonged periods of time.”_

_“Well, you’re not getting these back till I finish my assignment.” Clarke leaned on her hands and knees, crawling closer to Lexa before kissing her softly on the lips._

_“I’ll survive,” Lexa told her, “These are a bit scratched up though, I’ll get you a new pair but you can keep it till then.”_

_~ End of flashback ~_

“What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” Clarke smirked as she walked into the kitchen, finding Lexa standing over the stove.

“Clarke,” Lexa let out an exasperated sigh; when they had first started dating, it was Lexa who dropped the cheesy lines and more than occasional pickup lines. And Clarke was the one who rolled her eyes at them, or let out annoyed sighs – all the while secretly finding it adorable. But it seemed like a lot of Lexa had rubbed onto Clarke, to the point where she had better – or worse, depending on how you looked at it – cheesy things to say.

“You love it,” Clarke joked, making her way over to her and snaking her arms around her waist. “You love me,” She lightly kissed Lexa’s jaw before looking down at what was on the stove top. “Mac and cheese?”

“I have a weird craving for it.” Lexa answered. “I think…I had a dreamt about it…?” She shrugged. “And given the weather, I figured you wouldn’t say no to it either.” It was cloudy and cold outside, possibly drizzling at this point too, so the thought of a warm and cheesy bowl of carbs sounded great right now.

“I’m not a monster,” Clarke stepped away from Lexa, removing her arms from around her to get a couple of bowls. “Of course I’m not going to say no to mac and cheese.”

“Do you have a headache?” Lexa asked knowingly, she had been on the laptop for over an hour, and last Lexa checked, it was without the glasses.

Clarke remained silent for a moment, opening an overhead cabinet and grabbing two bowls. “…maybe.” She closed it, muttering quietly.

Lexa sighed, turning the stove off and turning around to look at Clarke. “Clarke.”

“I misplaced the glasses,” Clarke admitted, setting the bowls down next to the stove and letting Lexa spoon the pasta into them. “But I’m fine, I’ll have some food and take some aspirin and I’ll be good.”

Lexa only narrowed her eyes at her, not entirely convinced as Clarke picked up her bowl and Lexa reached to pick up her one. But she stopped, her left hand trembling a little too much to be able to hold the bowl without dropping it. So Lexa closed her hand into a fist and put it away, bringing up her other hand and picking it up. Clarke had already stepped away to go sit down at the breakfast bar and Lexa was glad for that, her hand had been acting up more than usual all day but she didn’t want Clarke to know about it. She didn’t want Clarke to worry, it wasn’t anything new, and it wasn’t causing her any pain, so Clarke didn’t need to worry, it would pass soon enough.

“So,” Lexa started as she sat down, picking up the fork Clarke had set down by her seat. “How was it?”

“It was good,” Clarke nodded, digging into the bowl of pasta. It was Kraft mac and cheese, obviously, because the classics were unbeatable. But Lexa usually added some real cheese to it so it was gooey and stringy and Clarke couldn’t quite figure out why it didn’t turn out like this when she made it – the cheesy tended to separate from the rest of the sauce rather than come together. “Kinda met someone I got along with more than the others,” She started, taking a bite. “I think you’d like her and her wife too,”

“Oh?” Was all Lexa asked, she wasn’t too keen on meeting new people, especially after how meeting their friends had gone. But at the same time, it would be nice to have _some_ friends now, not to mention someone who might be able to relate – even _slightly_ – to what Lexa had experienced and was going through.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded. “Her name’s Niylah, and her wife, Luna, was in the marines.” She added before pausing. “I was thinking…it might be…good for you to…talk to someone who’s been through something similar…” Clarke spoke hesitantly, she didn’t know how Lexa would take to a suggestion like that, she had just gotten herself to talk to Clarke about some of the things she went through the months she was gone. It wasn’t easy to talk about it or to open up about any of it and Clarke knew that – Clarke also knew the things Lexa _had_ told her wasn’t even close to everything she had been through. “Like, not talk about _it_ ,” She added quickly. “But just talk to someone like Luna, whatever its about, it might be nice to have someone who you can at least kinda relate to.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, thinking about it and letting Clarke’s words get to her. She was right, Lexa knew that, and she knew she had been closed off since coming back. Clarke was there for her, through it all, and Lexa knew she would be no matter what; she was understanding and supportive and just…amazing in every way. But it would be nice to talk to someone or at least be around someone who went through similar experiences as her. A part of her still wanted to say no though, wanted to say she was fine on her own, and that she didn’t want to meet any new people when she was like _this_. But given the circumstances, Luna and Niylah didn’t sound like _just another couple_ , they sounded like them, sounded like people who would understand them, and relate to the things they were going through.

“You don’t have to if you’re not up for it,” Clarke said when Lexa remained silent, unable to read her face. “I know you don’t want to be around new peo-”

Lexa shook her head, stopping Clarke. “I think you’re right.” She finally answered, the corner of her lips tugging upwards slightly. “It might be a good idea.”

A smile broke out on Clarke’s face, eyes lighting up. This was a big deal, it was a big step for her, Lexa didn’t like being around people but she was slowly getting better at it. The most they went out was to their local Walmart, even that was at quiet times to make sure Lexa wouldn’t get overwhelmed. It had been over a month since their first trip there, something that still felt like a huge deal to Lexa, it was the first time she had stepped out of the comfort and safety of their home since coming back. A couple of times since then, Clarke and Lexa stopped by their favorite coffee place, Grounders & Co. something Lexa was reluctant of at first but couldn’t help but admit there was a certain comfort in stepping inside for the first time since being gone. It had made Lexa smile to sit down at their usual booth, smelling the coffee and looking at the familiar surroundings.

Just as Clarke opened her mouth to speak, her phone buzzed, the screen lighting up with a text. “Wow, talk about timing.” She huffed out a small laugh, picking up the phone and holding it up to Lexa, it was a text from Niylah.

“Must be a sign,” Lexa joked, letting Clarke unlock the phone and read the text. “What did she say?”

“She said it took a bit of convincing from Luna, but Niylah’s asking if we wanna meet them sometime this week.” Clarke told Lexa, watching her expectedly.

Lexa waited a moment before slowly nodding. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

“Wednesday?” Clarke asked what Niylah had suggested.

“Let me just check my schedule.” Lexa joked, a playful smirk playing on her face. “Yeah, I think I’m free on Wednesday.”

* * *

Maybe Lexa was regretting having agreed to meet with Clarke’s new friend and her wife. Or at least having second thoughts as they stepped into Grounders & Co. a couple of minutes before they were to meet them. They usually came around this time so it was quiet, only a couple of tables occupied and Clarke and Lexa made their way over to their usual booth. Niylah and Luna were coming to meet them soon, Clarke had suggested 2pm because she knew it would be quiet now; she had a feeling Luna didn’t like being around too many people either. Lexa was nervous, she wasn’t sure about _interacting_ with new people; sure she’s more used to being around people now than even a month ago, but after seeing their friends, Lexa wasn’t too keen on _actually_ meeting and interacting with anyone.

“Hey,” Clarke said, placing a hand on Lexa’s bouncing knee, “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Lexa looked up at her, “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.” But she sighed, giving in. “I’m a little nervous.” She admitted. “I’m…n-not good with pe-p-peo-…” Lexa shook her head, bringing her hands up and rubbing her face. _God, not now_. “Can’t t-ta-talk now, I g…guess.”

“It’s okay,” Clarke muttered, squeezing her knee comfortingly before leaning in and kissing her cheek. “If it feels too overwhelming, we can cancel.” She said quietly into her ear, brushing another kiss to her earlobe.

“I’ll be okay.” Lexa said slowly, trying to herself back under control. “Just…need to…calm down,”

“How about a drink?” Clarke asked, already getting up, the best way to help Lexa right now would be by giving her something else to focus on. Lexa nodded, “Hot chocolate?”

“With whipped cream, please.”

Niylah and Luna were here a few minutes later, Clarke and Niylah instantly talking whereas both Lexa and Luna found themselves sitting awkwardly after the initial greetings. But things warmed up soon enough, Luna had been a staff sergeant, so a soldier whereas Lexa was an officer, and they both found common ground in reminiscing about work. It was easy to talk to one another, they didn’t particularly talk about anything _serious_ but just about work, similarities and differences, Luna even making jokes about what a pain all commanding officers were, like they all had a stick up their asses. To which Lexa very dramatically gasped, saying how she was offended that a soldier would even _dare_ say that to an officer’s face.

“I have more years than you,” Luna argued jokingly.

“I still outrank you,” Lexa reminded, “Commander, as in an officer.”

“Play nice,” Clarke interrupted, unable to keep herself from smiling at the way her fiancée sounded.

“Yeah,” Niylah nodded, looking between the two of them. “We’re trying to make friends.”

Lexa felt…lighter, lighter than she had felt around anyone since getting back – other than Clarke, of course. She felt…like a person; after having seen their friends, it took a toll on her, it made her retreat further back into herself, made her more self-conscious around people about her leg, her scars, her difficulty speaking and even understanding sometimes. So this was a pleasant change, Luna looked at her like she was just another person, so did Niylah; neither of them stared, or looked at her weird when she took a second too long to get a word out or respond, no one awkwardly stared at her crutch that was resting against her chair. They both talked to her like she was just _Lexa_ , nothing more, nothing less. She could only imagine Luna felt the same, or at least similar, could imagine how others might have awkwardly and not-so subtly stolen glances of her prosthetic arm, or stared at the scars on her face which were very similar to Lexa’s.

“We should do this again,” Niylah said as they all began to get up. “Can’t speak for everyone but I had a great time.”

“You can speak for me,” Lexa responded, speaking quietly. “I had a great time too.”

“You finally found some interesting people, babe.” Luna said to her wife, quirking an eyebrow. “You should see our other…friends.”

“That bad?” Clarke joked.

“They’re all straight.” Luna stated, figuring that was enough of an explanation.

“Gross,” “Ew,” Clarke and Lexa said at the same time, both making a face – albeit jokingly – and receiving small laughs from the other couple.

“Look, it’s not my fault I grew up with straight people.” Niylah defended herself, helping Luna into her jacket.

“Definitely your fault.” Clarke quipped before turning her eyes to look at Luna. “It was really nice to meet you Luna,”

“Yeah, you too, both of you.” Luna nodded. “Thanks for making me feel like a person and not just this,” She held up her prosthetic arm, then pointed at the scars on her face. “Or all of this.”

“Oh god, same.” Lexa joked, but meaning it completely. “You know, this,” She pointed at her face, at the scars then nodded towards the crutch she was leaning against. “And th-t-this of c-c-course.”

“Of course.” Luna shrugged, “But I’ll still give you shit for being an officer.”

“I don’t get this,” Clarke sighed.

Niylah nodded, “Yeah, me neither.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW FRENSSSSS!!!!! good for them. they both deserve it. clarke could do with a friend like niylah and vice versa. and lexa and luna could 100% do with friends like each other. SO YEAH thanks for reading, please let me know what you thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Spotify for this fic, [listen here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2yDasUytjGPujbvWsp2qHI?si=trremzviQyqFgdmMQCEb9g)


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